# What HISTORICAL figure would you assassinate, given the chance? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 29, 2008, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096 "2008-10-29T15:42:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/41 "2008-10-29T20:21:37Z")
Karl Marx. Before he wrote anything. I’d off [Sheryl Leach](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sheryl_Leach), but she’s still alive, and thus disqualified. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/42 "2008-10-29T20:31:24Z")
The guy who ordered the destruction of the Library of Alexandria. Avoid the whole Dark Ages bit. ---
**Author:** ![ivan\_astikov](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@ivan\_astikov](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivan_astikov)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/43 "2008-10-29T20:48:31Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Then Adam is obliged to slink back to Lilith. She insists on always having coitus cowgirl style, which Adam objects to only until she introduces him to the blowjob, and then anal. So on the one hand, the missionary position never gets a foothold; on the other hand, more blowjobs given and fewer lifelong black cherries. I’ll have to think about this. It seems you already have! 😃 Not quite my line of thought though, **Skald**. I should have specified a pre-Forbidden Fruit assassination, thereby leaving Adam alone and immortal, and giving our planet a totally different timeline. I wonder what he’d be doing now? ---
**Author:** ![Tripler](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripler/32/21807_2.png) [@Tripler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tripler)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/44 "2008-10-29T20:51:07Z")
I’d what Sayyeed Qutb. While I’m extremely tolerant of others’ personal believes, and all for the expression of ideas, this guy’s lack of tolerance and fundamentalist visions have seemed to plant the whole “jihad” seed which later carried forth into Al Qaeda and other terrorist groups. I’m not saying the West doesn’t have its crackpots, but this guy seemed to pervert the teachings of a religion, and through his execution, be elevated to the equivalent of sainthood, which helped advertise his views even further. I see it along the same lines as Hitler’s ideas do to neo-Nazis now. Obligatory Wikipedia Link: [Sayyid Qutb](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sayyid_Qutb) Tripler Just my two cents. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/45 "2008-10-29T20:54:11Z")
I’ve tried to think of someone whose death may have interfered with slavery, but it started independently in too many places. I can think of several murderers I’d have offed- Dr. H.H. Holmes, Albert Fish, Manson, etc., but ultimately it would only have saved a handful of people. I’m trying to think of someone whose timely death would have benefitted millions. I’ve wondered if the assassination of Hitler (as verboten in the OP) would have made the world that much better a place. Certainly the Holocaust probably wouldn’t have happened, but like Iraq in the 1970s Germany required a military strong-man and if it hadn’t been Hitler it probably would have been someone not much less vicious. I’m also assuming that if Stalin is out the Lenin is out. Perhaps I’d assassinate assassins. If only one then John Wilkes Booth anytime before April 1865 since I think Reconstruction and the rebuilding of relations would have gone a lot better had Lincoln lived (even if only to die of natural causes shortly after as some bio-historians suggest he would have). For that matter: James Earl Ray, Gavrilo Princip (assassinated the Archduke Ferdinand) or Sirhan Sirhan. If it needs to be a more political figure, then I’d pay to have an explode-on-impact missile made to look like the ball fired from a dueling pistol and give it to Charles Dickinson, the man who shot Andrew Jackson in the chest in an 1806 duel. The military defeat of the Creeks and Seminoles would have happened with any halfway competent general and perhaps whoever would have arisen to fill the Jacksonian void would not have totally screwed the Indian allies like AJ did, and while the ultimate removal of the Cherokees and Creeks was probably inevitable, but I think most would have handled it at least slightly more humanely. > [@Tripler](#): > > I’d what Sayyeed Qutb. Thought of him also, but I think he was a hydra head. > [@BrotherCadfael](#): > > The guy who ordered the destruction of the Library of Alexandria. Avoid the whole Dark Ages bit. That’d be less assassination than mass murder since it was many people in different times. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/46 "2008-10-29T20:55:37Z")
Who’d I assassinate? Henry VIII before he divorces Catherine of Aragaon. Just because I’m curious how history would unfold absent all that later unpleasantness. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/47 "2008-10-29T20:57:10Z")
> [@chowder](#): > > Muhammed or Jesus. > > If I get the chance of naffing off two, then it’s both of 'em. > > There: That’s cleared up the religion bollocks. Great idea. Because Jesus dying a premature violent death would have completely ended Christianity.😃 ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Carrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f0a364/32.png) [@Captain\_Carrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Carrot)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/48 "2008-10-29T21:12:25Z")
> [@miamouse](#): > > [Gavrilo Princip - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gavrilo_Princip), before he assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand, The Archduke’s assassination being the reason often given for WWI, and WWI is often given as a contributing factor to Hitler’s rise and WWII, the end of which saw Israel created, and the start of all the modern wars in the Middle East. There. I’ve just created peace for the last 100 years. (until some history buff comes along and tells me I’m wrong) Nah, I think tensions in Europe were such that it would explode no matter what. > [@FallenAngel](#): > > FDR before he got a chance to forcibly inject socialist ideology and programs into the United States’ culture and politics. Yeah, stupid economy. He should have left it alone like Hoover did. As for me, I think I’d go after Eli Whitney. I’m betting the loss of the cotton gin, and resulting lack of economic revitalization of slavery, would have done more to mitigate the Civil War than the possible dearth of interchangeable parts promotion on his part would hurt the North. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/49 "2008-10-29T21:17:59Z")
[QUOTE=pravnik] Interesting question there. Assume for the sake of argument that Yeshua bin Yusef was a passionate but humble rabbi who merely preached that the then-current reading of Judaic scripture was overly legalistic, and made no actual claims as to his own to divinity. Would you still kill him to stop the worldwide religion that will be founded in his name? [/QUOTE] You could ice some of his followers who helped set the religion really get going. Saul comes to mind. (Ach… **Telcontar** beats me to the punch!) Let’s see, after that… •Either Will Hays or Joseph Breen. Maybe I could rig it so it looked like they murdered each other in a lover’s quarrel sparked by a dispute over Abwehr funds they were funneling to Capone, or something. •M. J. Kelly, the former prostitute turned nationalist radical, and one of the infamous firebrands of the first Irish war of independance, and later the putsch that “reunified” the country only to bring it into the Axis fold. Bloody handed bitch…my mother’s side of the family lost a lot of relatives to the _SS Brian Beru_’s auto-de-fes, or their vivisectionists. Hell, my great uncle barely flew off the _Saratoga_ before they sank her, only to go down escorting _Laggin Dragon_ to Cork two years later. Fascist bastards bayoneted him when he was still hanging from his chute. The worst part is, since ol’ “Marie Jeanette” moved around so much and avoided getting her bare face photographed so well, it’d probably be hard to even _identify_ her with enough certainty to assassinate her. The time traveler would probably have to just find a general time and place she was known to have lived in/at, and mow through the rabble of lowlife types she was known to surround herself with, just in hopes of getting her by chance. The whole thing just makes my blood boil…I mean, she was no Hitler or Beria, but if _anyone_ ever deserved a good dose of their own medicine, it was her. :mad: ---
**Author:** ![tr0psn4j](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@tr0psn4j](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tr0psn4j)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/50 "2008-10-29T22:26:02Z")
Is Osama too easy of a choice as well? What about Castro? Im not picking either of them but just curious. ---
**Author:** ![drastic\_quench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e36b37/32.png) [@drastic\_quench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drastic_quench)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/51 "2008-10-29T22:29:41Z")
I’d kill Job - just as an FU to God and Satan. Plus, it’d be merciful. \*not that I believe any of this (other than of course time travel…) ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Carrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f0a364/32.png) [@Captain\_Carrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Carrot)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/52 "2008-10-29T22:35:52Z")
> [@tr0psn4j](#): > > Is Osama too easy of a choice as well? What about Castro? Im not picking either of them but just curious. Neither of them have died in the last 30 years. ---
**Author:** ![tr0psn4j](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/958977/32.png) [@tr0psn4j](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tr0psn4j)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/53 "2008-10-29T22:50:56Z")
Oh that’s right. Forgot about that rule. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Amazing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@Captain\_Amazing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Amazing)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/54 "2008-10-29T23:13:41Z")
Leopold II of Belgium. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2008, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/55 "2008-10-29T23:47:46Z")
Back to the dawn of time and blow away the asshole who first invented the concept of religion. ---
**Author:** ![Sailboat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sailboat/32/461_2.png) [@Sailboat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sailboat)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/56 "2008-10-30T00:20:50Z")
> [@Clothahump](#): > > Back to the dawn of time and blow away the asshole who first invented the concept of religion. If someone started telling me there was an omnipotent, jeaolous being who knew all and would destroy nonbelievers…and was then abruptly destroyed by a superhumanly clean, tall manlike figure with a magical thunderstick, I think it’d cement the concept of religion _very firmly_ in my consciousness. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/57 "2008-10-30T00:32:28Z")
> [@tr0psn4j](#): > > Is Osama too easy of a choice as well? What about Castro? Im not picking either of them but just curious. The OP says your pick must have croaked, and Osama is unfortunately apparently alive and kicking. ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/58 "2008-10-30T00:45:15Z")
> [@ivan\_astikov](#): > > It seems you already have! 😃 Not quite my line of thought though, **Skald**. I should have specified a pre-Forbidden Fruit assassination, thereby leaving Adam alone and immortal, and giving our planet a totally different timeline. I wonder what he’d be doing now? Well he aint raising Cain! ---
**Author:** ![5-HT](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/5/f19dbf/32.png) [@5-HT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/5-HT)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/59 "2008-10-30T00:49:10Z")
Elvis Presley. He just bugs me. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/60 "2008-10-30T01:14:50Z")
> [@carnivorousplant](#): > > The OP says your pick must have croaked, and Osama is unfortunately apparently alive and kicking. HTF did I get that far out of synch? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096.md?page=4)