# What HISTORICAL figure would you assassinate, given the chance? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 29, 2008, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096 "2008-10-29T15:42:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/81 "2008-10-30T17:33:19Z")
Well, it turns out that the forces pulling the plug on Zheng He’s naval expeditions weren’t as simple as I expected either, so I’m 0 for 2. Bother. :: continues searching for historical scapegoat :: :: maybe something in the _Reconquista_ of Spain? :: ---
**Author:** ![WormTheRed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/bbe5ce/32.png) [@WormTheRed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WormTheRed)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/82 "2008-10-30T17:49:53Z")
What about Caesar, just when he was about to cross the Rubicon? That would’ve made for interesting alternative history. (but that’s the only reason why I would want to wack him, so I’m staying with Gissur Súrsson) ---
**Author:** ![criminey.jicket](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@criminey.jicket](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/criminey.jicket)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 5:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/83 "2008-10-30T17:50:19Z")
I’d off Dr. Josef Mengele, the Angel of Death at Auschwitz, sometime just before he completed his thesis for his Ph.D. in Anthropology in 1935. I’d make him do all that work through all those classes, then waterboard and electric anal probe the pathological life out of him, long before he ever joined the Nazi party and the SS. Eeeeeeevil man. ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/84 "2008-10-30T18:14:30Z")
Does it have to be a politically significant historical figure or just someone well known? if not… Emily Bronte. Countless Englis Lit. students will be beholden to me without ever knowing it. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/85 "2008-10-30T18:29:51Z")
I wouldn’t assassinate anyone. It would change history, and the world could be a lot worse than it is. At least we haven’t had any nuclear wars. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/86 "2008-10-30T18:54:22Z")
[QUOTE=criminey.jicket] I’d off Dr. Josef Mengele, the Angel of Death at Auschwitz, sometime just before he completed his thesis for his Ph.D. in Anthropology in 1935. **I’d make him do all that work through all those classes** , then waterboard and electric anal probe the pathological life out of him [/QUOTE] Now _that’s_ my kind of op. Make the little bastard sweat through all the testing and schoolwork, and make it all for nothing. 🆒 Anyways… •Crucifying [Shiro Ishii](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shiro_Ishii) to the gate of the Japanese Imperial Palace or the [Yasukuni Shrini](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yasukuni_Shrine) in the mid 1950s, with “I AM A WAR CRIMINAL” branded into his blood-eagled lungs seems like a worthy goal. Make it a bit harder to sweep _him_ under the historical rug. •Ernesto Miranda. Maybe I’d want to try screwing with the course of American law and criminal justice by taking him out, or maybe I’d wait until the supreme court ruled on Miranda v. Arizona before splattering him on the sidewalk with a Phased Plasma Rifle. •Klaus Fuchs, or Igor Kurchatov, in the early 30s. Bah, scratch that…it looks like Fuchs only died in 88. Lousy non-dying commie…I guess it’s “[The Beard](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Igor_Kurchatov),” then. He deserves that much for stealing my look, anyway. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/87 "2008-10-30T19:35:40Z")
> [@Ranchoth](#): > > Now _that’s_ my kind of op. Make the little bastard sweat through all the testing and schoolwork, and make it all for nothing. 🆒 > > Anyways… > > •Crucifying [Shiro Ishii](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shiro_Ishii) to the gate of the Japanese Imperial Palace or the [Yasukuni Shrini](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yasukuni_Shrine) in the mid 1950s, with “I AM A WAR CRIMINAL” branded into his blood-eagled lungs seems like a worthy goal. Make it a bit harder to sweep _him_ under the historical rug. Seems like you’re jsut makinghim a martyr. The evil part of me approves, but why not give him a neat lead injection a few years earlier? Unless you just want revenge. You and Khan. In that case, carry on. ---
**Author:** ![kjckjc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e36b37/32.png) [@kjckjc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kjckjc)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/88 "2008-10-30T19:55:11Z")
Maybe Hussein Onyango Obama (even though he only died 29 years ago), simply because his death would have stopped The Messiah from being born. Without him we would never have had the World Unification of 2010, never had formed the Federation, never had initiated First Contact, and never had drawn the ire of the N’krsak of the Ygala System. And thus preventing the enslavement of the human race in 2341. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/89 "2008-10-30T20:21:31Z")
> [@OtakuLoki](#): > > **ivylass** and **Sampiro** , the problem with stopping John Wilkes Booth that I see is that there was a lot of people with a hard on for screwing the South after the Civil War. And for all that Lincoln did manage to impose his will on a reluctant country - that was during a time of war. I’m far less certain he, alone, would have been enough to prevent the punishing effects of Reconstruction. We don’t know that, do we? That’s the fun of the thread. I don’t believe the Emancipation Proclamation was very popular in Washington or up North either, but Lincoln did it anyway. And I swear to Og, **Sampiro** , I didn’t see your thread before I posted. Do you think a one-eyed gay Democrat and a married libertarian/conservative can be soulmates? ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/90 "2008-10-30T20:49:51Z")
[QUOTE=Skald the Rhymer] Seems like you’re jsut makinghim a martyr. The evil part of me approves, but why not give him a neat lead injection a few years earlier? [/QUOTE] I’m not making him a martyr, I’m making him an _example_. Like Eichmann, or Mussolini, or Gerald Bull. Plus, even aside from catharsis, what makes more of an impression on the world: half-forgotten asshole getting quietly capped in an alley, somewhere, or said asshole dying in a bizarre, over the top horrorshow that ends up inspiring slasher movie makers, potboiler writers, and ghost stories for decades to come? ---
**Author:** ![Illuminatiprimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/illuminatiprimus/32/11520_2.png) [@Illuminatiprimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Illuminatiprimus)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/91 "2008-10-30T22:03:57Z")
> [@kjckjc](#): > > Maybe Hussein Onyango Obama (even though he only died 29 years ago), simply because his death would have stopped The Messiah from being born. Without him we would never have had the World Unification of 2010, never had formed the Federation, never had initiated First Contact, and never had drawn the ire of the N’krsak of the Ygala System. And thus preventing the enslavement of the human race in 2341. Yeah, but if you do that then humankind stays divided and never develops any kind of space travel or weaponry, and thus is pretty screwed when the Philesian breeding swarm hits our system in 2638. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/92 "2008-10-30T22:07:44Z")
> [@kjckjc](#): > > Maybe Hussein Onyango Obama (even though he only died 29 years ago), simply because his death would have stopped The Messiah from being born. Without him we would never have had the World Unification of 2010, never had formed the Federation, never had initiated First Contact, and never had drawn the ire of the N’krsak of the Ygala System. And thus preventing the enslavement of the human race in 2341. Now you’re just being silly. My entire posting history should lead you to conclude that I am the architect behind that entire set of circumstances. Also the porn shortage. ---
**Author:** ![Gotterfunken](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/58956e/32.png) [@Gotterfunken](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gotterfunken)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/93 "2008-10-30T22:19:53Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > You don’t know much about the Civil War. Franco found himself leading it strictly by accident; specifically, the plane crash which killed the organizers. Not as much as you do, I’m sure. I’ll admit that most of my knowledge is derived from Anthony Beevor’s book, plus second-hand information from studies of artists affected by the conflict (esp. Picasso and Robert Capa), not from primary sources. However, I didn’t mean to suggest that assassinating Franco would have prevented the Civil War (it would have happened without him, as you point out), but that his absence would have deprived the Nationalists of a very strong commander. This would possibly have given the Loyalists a slightly better chance of victory. I’m not sure if Sanjurjo would have been able to unite the various Nationalist factions (Carlists, Falangists, etc.) under him as effectively as Franco did. And if the Loyalists would still have lost against Sanjurjo or Mola or whoever else would have commanded the Nationalist armies in Franco’s absence (as one could certainly argue would have happened anyway), then maybe the repression and executions that followed the civil war wouldn’t have been as severe as they were under Franco. That’s probably a very naive hope, however. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/94 "2008-10-30T22:31:34Z")
I’d kill the father of Smiling Bob. God I can’t stand that ad… and the music! Great, now I feel stabby. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/95 "2008-10-30T22:35:41Z")
I’d tag Joan d’Arc just before they lit her up. I’m reasonably sure she’d still be considered a martyr, but she wouldn’t have had to burn. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/96 "2008-10-30T22:38:50Z")
> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > I’d tag Joan d’Arc just before they lit her up. > > I’m reasonably sure she’d still be considered a martyr, but she wouldn’t have had to burn. Um…instead of rescuing her? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/97 "2008-10-30T22:50:55Z")
Dude. If I have to go back to 15th century Yurp, do you honestly think I’m going to piss off The Church? No way. I’d totally bag Joan and then start working the docks, steal a ship and head Westward across the Atlantic. By the time the Columboids got there behind me America would be a veritable fortress with well-armed stone-age natives (thanks to the replicator). It’d be a different story. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/98 "2008-10-30T22:53:52Z")
> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > Dude. If I have to go back to 15th century Yurp, do you honestly think I’m going to piss off The Church? No way. I’d totally bag Joan and then start working the docks, steal a ship and head Westward across the Atlantic. By the time the Columboids got there behind me America would be a veritable fortress with well-armed stone-age natives (thanks to the replicator). > > It’d be a different story. You wouldn’t sleep with her first? For shame… ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/99 "2008-10-30T23:22:01Z")
> [@Autolycus](#): > > You wouldn’t sleep with her first? For shame… Of course he wouldn’t, and neither would you. I don’t know whether Joan was a babe or not, but I’m certain she was dedicated to maintaining her chastity. I don’t see you or Inigo as a rapist. (Admittedly, her captors probably relieved her of the burden of virginity, but that’s not the point.) ---
**Author:** ![Morbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morbo/32/389_2.png) [@Morbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morbo)\ **Post date:** [October 30, 2008, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096/100 "2008-10-30T23:47:08Z")
Rufus T. Sorrensberger III. He knows why. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-historical-figure-would-you-assassinate-given-the-chance/470096.md?page=6)