# What I Learned From CSI **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 26, 2004, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-learned-from-csi/247250 "2004-05-26T22:45:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-learned-from-csi/247250/1 "2004-05-26T22:45:50Z")
Inspired by [this](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=258259) thread, and specifically this post: > [@buckgully](#): > > I really want to see one of these threads for CSI. All photographs/videotapes are of infinite resolution. No amount of zooming in will create an image too grainy to be enhanced back to crystal clarity. DNA processing can be done in minutes, if absolutely needed. Florida is always tinted yellow. Prostitutes are never run down and haggard looking. ---
**Author:** ![interface2x](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@interface2x](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interface2x)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-learned-from-csi/247250/2 "2004-05-26T23:01:15Z")
The same guys who run the tests in the lab actually get to make the arrest. Not to mention standing in front of the alleged criminal and explaining his entire crime to him in great detail. ---
**Author:** ![brad\_d](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@brad\_d](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brad_d)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-learned-from-csi/247250/3 "2004-05-26T23:05:31Z")
That a slapped-together “experiment” to check some idea will always work _exactly_ as the real thing did. Not just close enough to demonstrate plausibility, but friggin’ dead on: These guys are real wizards in the lab. For example:[ul][_]A boat got pushed off of a dock in a nearby lake, and its current whereabouts are unknown. Let’s throw together a four-foot-wide “pond” in the lab, use a table fan to simulate wind, and slosh it around to approximate a current. Our paper boat will bob to the opposite shore within inches of where we should look for the real thing.[_]We have a theory that involves a slowly leaking bus tire. Let’s find another bus tire and go after it with a Bowie knife. It will bleed down - _to the second_ - in the amount of time required to confirm our theory.[/ul] ---
**Author:** ![Silentgoldfish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@Silentgoldfish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silentgoldfish)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-learned-from-csi/247250/4 "2004-05-26T23:14:21Z")
Put on designer clothes. Do makeup impeccably. Time for an autopsy! (ok, they sometimes wear scrubs, but they never use any facial protection and usually get close enough to tongue kiss the corpse!) ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-learned-from-csi/247250/5 "2004-05-26T23:37:12Z")
Nobody ever just gets shot and twenty people saw who did it. Every murder involves an elaborate plot and/or complicated forensics investigation to even figure out what happened, let alone make an arrest. If you _do_ come on the crime scene with a dead man and his wife standing over him with a blood splattered baseball bat, she assuredly didn’t do it. A one armed man did. Figuring this out will never be beyond the ken of today’s forensics. ---
**Author:** ![Jenaroph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e8c25b/32.png) [@Jenaroph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jenaroph)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-learned-from-csi/247250/6 "2004-05-26T23:49:24Z")
It is perfectly practical to wear four inch heels while inspecting most crime scenes, even those that are grassy or mountainous. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-learned-from-csi/247250/7 "2004-05-26T23:52:25Z")
The Nevada law enforcement budget is infinite, hence the ability to purchase supercomputers capable of complex 3D simulations that fit in a briefcase. ---
**Author:** ![SmackFu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/53a042/32.png) [@SmackFu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmackFu)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2004, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-learned-from-csi/247250/8 "2004-05-26T23:53:35Z")
What is a “police detective”? ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-learned-from-csi/247250/9 "2004-05-27T00:22:05Z")
Instantly accessible databases exist that contain the chemical signature of every substance known to man, the engine sound profile of every car ever manufactured, the foot imprint of ever shoe ever sold, and the fiber composition of any textile or piece of clothing ever created. ---
**Author:** ![hlanelee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3bc359/32.png) [@hlanelee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hlanelee)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-learned-from-csi/247250/10 "2004-05-27T00:22:17Z")
Anyone can solve a crime if they have a mini-maglite. I even got one for my wife, she loves it. ---
**Author:** ![Marvel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/779978/32.png) [@Marvel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marvel)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-learned-from-csi/247250/11 "2004-05-27T00:25:00Z")
Being a stripper leads to working for CSI. ---
**Author:** ![Wile\_E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c37758/32.png) [@Wile\_E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wile_E)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-learned-from-csi/247250/12 "2004-05-27T00:41:31Z")
> [@Hal Briston](#): > > … > > Florida is always tinted yellow. > … That’s really only Jacksonville. ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-learned-from-csi/247250/13 "2004-05-27T00:47:44Z")
> [@Hal Briston](#): > > Florida is always tinted yellow. It’s green on my map! Oklahoma is yellow, though. Have you been watching “CSI: Tulsa”? ---
**Author:** ![Kyla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/eada6e/32.png) [@Kyla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyla)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-learned-from-csi/247250/14 "2004-05-27T04:32:20Z")
My god, how could I be the first to say this? Make sure you have a bad pun at the ready at all times. ---
**Author:** ![Gunslinger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/4491bb/32.png) [@Gunslinger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gunslinger)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-learned-from-csi/247250/15 "2004-05-27T04:48:56Z")
Feudal Japanese Samuri armor (y’know, [this kind](http://www.darrellpeck.com/travel/2002-3-japan/images/19-08-fushimi-armor.jpg), from the 1600s) didn’t exist until Japan formed its national army in the late 1800s. :rolleyes: Here’s a [proper rant](http://friends.portalofevil.com/sp.php?si=3&fi=000026862&ti=1000562331&pi=1000562915) about it. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_Captor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f17d59/32.png) [@Evil\_Captor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_Captor)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 4:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-learned-from-csi/247250/16 "2004-05-27T04:50:57Z")
Odds are very good that murder victims/ murderers will be a member of some little know subculture, often sexual in nature, like the furries or the BDSM crowd. Or at least, Grissom seems to like these cases … ---
**Author:** ![Gunslinger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/4491bb/32.png) [@Gunslinger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gunslinger)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-learned-from-csi/247250/17 "2004-05-27T04:53:53Z")
From the same episode: A car battery provides enough juice to cause a wire of the same size as an overhead power line to whip about and spark just like a downed real 10,000+ volt (AC) power line. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-learned-from-csi/247250/18 "2004-05-27T12:11:19Z")
Being a divorced mom means you never have to see your daughter. There will always be a newspaper photo of someone related to the suspect/victim that will bring the final clue to solving the case. Everything happens at night. ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-learned-from-csi/247250/19 "2004-05-27T12:52:37Z")
That “the boys down at the lab,” as Columbo calls them, get to conduct interviews of suspects, and make arrests. That one person with very sharp eyeteeth can actually puncture someone’s neck, and suck 8+ pints of blood out of a person without either tearing her neck all to hell or making himeself very ill in the process. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2004, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-learned-from-csi/247250/20 "2004-05-27T12:56:34Z")
> [@Mausmagill](#): > > That “the boys down at the lab,” as Columbo calls them, get to conduct interviews of suspects, and make arrests. > > That one person with very sharp eyeteeth can actually puncture someone’s neck, and suck 8+ pints of blood out of a person without either tearing her neck all to hell or making himeself very ill in the process. Did you watch that episode all the way to the end, cause that’s not what happened. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-learned-from-csi/247250.md?page=2)