# What I like best about Alphagene **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 23, 2000, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360 "2000-06-23T21:12:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2000, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360/21 "2000-06-24T00:04:50Z")
What I really, really love about **AlphaGene** is how carefully he disguises a warm, compassionate heart beneath that acerbic, lizard-hearted facade. The big lunk cries at _chick movies_! Terms of Endearment? Take along extra tissues; Alpha will be tearing up, sniffling, but trying to claim it’s just nausea. That rubber sheep? He just bought it because of it’s cute floppy ears and sad eyes. Mostly. The fact that it’s anatomically correct was just a bonus. He’s just been disguising his true emotions, the _inner_ AlphaGene! All along he’s been hoping perceptive Dopers would see through his protective disguise. Yes! Let’s seranade outside his window! _You light up my life_, _The Rose_…this is a man in transition, in PAIN! He secretly yearns for smurfs, and Hummels, and beanie babies! He wants the full collection of Oprah’s show on tape! We wov Alphie wots and wots. Veb ---
**Author:** ![neuro-trash\_grrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3ab097/32.png) [@neuro-trash\_grrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neuro-trash_grrrl)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2000, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360/22 "2000-06-24T01:06:06Z")
I like the way he folds on his hinges to accomodate himself to any size carrier. I like the way the birds sing when he eats Jell-O. I like it when he stretches his left arm into the ozone layer just to make sure it’s still there. I like the way he speaks Chinese in such a way that you can actually see the characters in a little speech bubble over his head. I like the way he emulates cinder blocks. But most of all, I like the way he takes all the spiders in my house that might bite me in the middle of the night, and makes ice cream from them. Is this guy great, or what? ---
**Author:** ![Angkins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/fbc32d/32.png) [@Angkins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Angkins)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2000, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360/23 "2000-06-24T01:14:06Z")
What i like best about Alphagene is that right now he is probably planning all of your demises… and when those fireworks go off, it will be very pretty. 😉 I will miss you all! ---
**Author:** ![Alphagene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Alphagene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alphagene)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2000, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360/24 "2000-06-24T01:25:15Z")
We mock what we do not understand. ---
**Author:** ![FreakFreely](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/48db29/32.png) [@FreakFreely](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FreakFreely)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2000, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360/25 "2000-06-24T01:26:56Z")
Nuh-uh! We mock what we understand too! ---
**Author:** ![FreakFreely](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/48db29/32.png) [@FreakFreely](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FreakFreely)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2000, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360/26 "2000-06-24T01:28:09Z")
I’m very “equal rights” about my mocking. ---
**Author:** ![Persephone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ecc23a/32.png) [@Persephone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Persephone)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2000, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360/27 "2000-06-24T01:28:45Z")
What I like best about Alphagene is that he just _understands_ when I get cramps. He brings me a hot watter bottle and some Motrin, and just smiles and pats my hand when I tell him that that last war was his fault. And he knows the right answer when asked “Honey, does this dress make my butt look big?” What a guy! ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2000, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360/28 "2000-06-24T03:01:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*\* > We mock what we do not understand. > \*\* Ooooh, but we _do_ understand, we _really, really_ **do** , Alpha! We understand the REAL you, the tender, aching kernel inside the tough shell you project! You don’t have to pretend anymore, not in front of _us_, we’re _here_ for you! ::dewey eyed blinking:: What _you_ need is good group hug, with a chorus of Kumbiyah…ooooh, look, he’s so overcome by emotion he’s retching. Poor baby; he just never _dreamed_ all his innermost aspirations would be seen and _validated_! Quick, someone hand him a teddy-bear; he’s obviously getting in touch with his inner serpent…uh, child. Veb ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2000, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360/29 "2000-06-24T05:01:06Z")
I love the way he hugs his blankie. I love his baby lisp. I love how he tries to feed the squirrels peanut butter sandwiches. And how he makes little faces on his hamburgers with ketchup. I love…hey, hey, what are you…_screams_ ---
**Author:** ![Doobieous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/da6949/32.png) [@Doobieous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doobieous)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2000, 7:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360/30 "2000-06-24T07:24:23Z")
I like it when Alpha tucks me in, kisses my forehead, and says “tomorrow is a new day, honey” whenever the meanie kids at school steal my lunch money. I like when alpha bakes a cake and lets me lick the bowl. I also like how chipper alpha is when he gets to watch his daily soap, and get a pedicure and a facial (and his pink towel and bathrobe with matching monograms makes him feel like a natural woman). I like how alpha shakes his groove thing to send peace, love, and happiness to the world. And gosh darn, doesn’t he look ultrafine in that bright pink playboy bunny suit of his? Oh and alpha makes a smashing shirley temple (he goes heavy on the grenadine, AND he adds two maraschino cherries)! ---
**Author:** ![Silo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac91a4/32.png) [@Silo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silo)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2000, 9:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360/31 "2000-06-24T09:13:42Z")
I like it when Alpha is drunk and hitting on all the chicks. Then the putzing begins… 😃 :::ducking::: ---
**Author:** ![ChrisCTP](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e36b37/32.png) [@ChrisCTP](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ChrisCTP)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2000, 9:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360/32 "2000-06-24T09:18:05Z")
…I made Alpha blush and sputter in Springfield… ---
**Author:** ![bunnymom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c4cdca/32.png) [@bunnymom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bunnymom)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2000, 9:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360/33 "2000-06-24T09:29:17Z")
I like the way Alphagene always cuts the crusts off my sammiches.I don’t even have to ask. ---
**Author:** ![Narile](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71c47a/32.png) [@Narile](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Narile)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2000, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360/34 "2000-06-24T15:34:45Z")
I…I wike the way he wawks me to…schooooool and, and, answers… all my, my questions, because…because I ask them. Unca’ Alpha…what’s felching? Unca’ Alpha…what are you doing with that big knife? ---
**Author:** ![Alphagene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Alphagene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alphagene)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2000, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360/35 "2000-06-24T19:58:51Z")
I spend every day hip-deep in the Pit deleting the mindless blather of trolls who as a result become fixated with me. They create sockpuppets with Alpha in their name in some bizarre attempt to project their inadequacies upon me. Yet despite this adversity, I manage to destroy these polyps on the colon of humanity before they raise havoc in other forums, including your precious MPSIMS. I tolerate your ribbing because I know my harsh urban east-coast ways repel you but my olive-oil charm makes it hard for you to look away. I also know that eventually some yahoo will decide to steal your email address, or register with a blank space before your screenname or post something so offensive that it threatens to shatter your perception of reality like a fragile Franklin Mint collectible. And when that time comes, you’ll be emailing me, begging me to help. And invariably, I’ll show up on the scene just in time like John Shaft, dispensing my unique brand of red hot justice upon the scum of society with a groovy _wackajawacka_ guitar riff playing the background. So by all means, continue the tomfoolery in this troll-free forum folks. You sleep under the very blanket of freedom that I provide. Damn right. ---
**Author:** ![MysterEcks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@MysterEcks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysterEcks)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2000, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360/36 "2000-06-24T20:33:36Z")
I really want to like Alphagene, but his name reminds me of the song _Billy Jean_, which reminds me of Michael Jackson, which gives me the willies. So…Alphagene, please change your name to Alphaelmer or Alphafred or something. Thanks. ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2000, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360/37 "2000-06-24T21:19:59Z")
> [@](#): > > **And invariably, I’ll show up on the scene just in time like John Shaft, dispensing my unique brand of red hot justice upon the scum of society with a groovy _wackajawacka_ guitar riff playing the background.** I thought it’d be more like _Hawaii Five-O_, Alpha. My bad. “Book 'em, Dano.” ---
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2000, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360/38 "2000-06-24T21:28:10Z")
I thought it would be more like Underdog. _The secret compartment of my ring I fill With acidic wit and the urge to KILL!_ He’s such a softie that way. ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2000, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360/39 "2000-06-24T22:07:02Z")
Somehow I envisioned Alpha in his SpiderMan Underoos… But the bit about removing polyps from the colon of humanity was _excellent!_ The “olive oil charm” brought back images of the iflatable sheep, though. Veb ---
**Author:** ![SSgtBaloo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac91a4/32.png) [@SSgtBaloo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SSgtBaloo)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2000, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360/40 "2000-06-24T22:24:18Z")
I like the way he lets me help field-strip his secret collection of automatic weapons, and doesn’t complain when I ask (for the hundredth time) “What is the Blish block supposed to do?” I like when we get up on the clock tower with silenced rifles and “thin the herd”. I especially like it when we get to make field trips to strange, foreign countries on forged passports and meet new and interesting people. Then we kill them. What a guy! ~~Baloo [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-like-best-about-alphagene/23360.md?page=3)