# What I would do if I were a slice-'n'-dice film slasher **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [November 17, 2007, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801 "2007-11-17T03:22:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2007, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801/21 "2007-11-17T16:43:34Z")
Don’t get enamored of my cleverness and be more aware of my limitations. Sure, I might be the smartest slasher to walk the face of the Earth, but I am only _one_ smart slasher: Comparably, the police has access to a nearly infinite amount of resources and people. To that end: 1. Don’t send taunting notes. You’ll just piss them off and give them more incentive. 2. Don’t leave “bizarre” clues. You might think you’re being clever by using 13th-century Catholic imagery next to your victims, but think about it: You’ve just told the police that you’re _Catholic_, dipshit. 3. Work in a variety of states. Countries, if possible. Driving 10 miles away from home to do my work just won’t cut it in the age of Zillow and Google Earth. 4. Don’t take my work home with me. 5. _Don’t forget rule 4_. 6. Myspace is _not_ my friend. Corrolary: Don’t link to my marks on the Facebook page. DUH! You’d probably be best just ditching the computer altogether. 7. Learn that memories are best. Videos and sound recordings might be nice learning tools to improve your craft, but to the rest of the world they’re nothing but damning (and pesky!) evidence. 8. Always have a dead deer in the trunk/bed of your car/truck. That goes a long way towards explaining the blood. And the hatchets. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2007, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801/22 "2007-11-17T17:16:43Z")
[QUOTE=JohnT] 2. Don’t leave “bizarre” clues. You might think you’re being clever by using 13th-century Catholic imagery next to your victims, but think about it: You’ve just told the police that you’re _Catholic_, dipshit. [/QUOTE] Alternately, use random kinds of bizarre clues. Catholic imagery for one, a lyric from some obscure Eastern European death metal band etched into skin for another, a dog’s squeaky toy for the next, nothing unusual about the next, etc. Make them think there’s no possible link. If you use library books for hints about what to do next, don’t check them out. That anti-terrorist legislation where they track checked-out books might be used against you by a determined investigator. Better yet, go to a big bookstore and read the books on the spot; with a cup of coffee you’ll fit right in with everyone else who thinks those stores are coffeehouses with lots of nice reading material. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2007, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801/23 "2007-11-17T20:32:21Z")
If my abilities, invulnerability, or anything else about my role in the story appears to be supernatural, before proceeding with my fun I will learn all I can about the supernatural agency in question, including any inherent weaknesses that such power carries. I will also keep in mind that [any evil cult that appears to be helping me along at any point is as likely as not to vanish without comment in the sequels.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=351099) ---
**Author:** ![KGS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/90ced4/32.png) [@KGS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KGS)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2007, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801/24 "2007-11-17T21:22:39Z")
_Jason peered through the eyeslit of his hockey mask, watching as Michael Meyers stripped off his shirt, hefted the axe, and began chopping at the body of the teenage co-ed they had stalked the night before. Jason licked his abcessed lips as the muscles bulged and rippled on Michael’s body, sweat glistening on his swarthy skin, the veins of his biceps pulsating, as the axe went chop-chop-chop, pounding a seductive rhythm which Jason secretly longed to pound inside of him…_ Oh, you meant slashER film. Never mind. 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![Windwalker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/5e9695/32.png) [@Windwalker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Windwalker)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2007, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801/25 "2007-11-18T00:51:55Z")
I’d find a homeless or otherwise low-society (ideally a druggie) patsy to take the fall for each of the murders. I wouldn’t make it obvious, but maybe just his fingerprints on the hatchet, which is dumped miles away from where the homeless guy normally sleeps. Make the investigators work to figure out who the patsy is, so that they’ll be satisfied with catching him (hey it took hundreds of manpower hours). It’s a win-win, as they get to boost their indictment rate, and I get to slash again, somewhere far, far away. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2007, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801/26 "2007-11-18T01:18:41Z")
I will re-examine any important decision at least twice before acting, keeping always in mind that I am almost certainly insane, therefore prone to errors in judgment. It is amazing, yet predictable, how many in our field of endeavor lose sight of this. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2007, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801/27 "2007-11-18T01:25:31Z")
Before embarking upon my Great Work, I shall start an open-discussion thread on a relevant message board, in case the obsessive 'net-nerds might think of some precautionary rules that might have escaped even my fiendishly brilliant insight. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2007, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801/28 "2007-11-18T01:30:27Z")
Mindful of the exceptionally high risks of human-to-human contagion, I shall consume no flesh of my victims unless it has been cleaned and immediately and thoroughly cooked. It is embarrassing to brilliantly elude the Special Night-Snatcher Task Force for six months only to die of food poisoning. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2007, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801/29 "2007-11-18T01:39:14Z")
Unless my obsession with her or him happens to be the principal impetus of my career, I shall resist any temptation to fall in love with a potential victim, however attractive. It is unprofessional to allow work and social life to mix. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2007, 2:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801/30 "2007-11-19T02:13:41Z")
Despite a wealth of evidence plain to see in the genre, I will never operate on the assumption that officers of the law are clueless asstards. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2007, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801/31 "2007-11-19T03:00:52Z")
[QUOTE=KGS] _Jason peered through the eyeslit of his hockey mask, watching as Michael Meyers stripped off his shirt, hefted the axe, and began chopping at the body of the teenage co-ed they had stalked the night before. Jason licked his abcessed lips as the muscles bulged and rippled on Michael’s body, sweat glistening on his swarthy skin, the veins of his biceps pulsating, as the axe went chop-chop-chop, pounding a seductive rhythm which Jason secretly longed to pound inside of him…_ Oh, you meant slashER film. Never mind. 🆒 [/QUOTE] 😃 “I knew it was true love, when twelve bystanders died from the foreplay!” ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2007, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801/32 "2007-11-19T03:33:49Z")
To reiterate what others have said: don’t taunt – the police or your victims. Slashing is a job – do it and move on. Gentlemen slashers don’t complain and don’t explain. Personally, I would stay away from power tools. Too hard to clean. I don’t think a chain saw would fit in my dishwasher. Also, it’s important to remember that slashing needn’t always result in splashing. Blood, that is. Neatness counts. I have to ask this… is the goal to be a _successful_ slasher or a _popular_ slasher? Because, frankly, my ideal slasher would make for a fairly dull movie character. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2007, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801/33 "2007-11-19T03:40:53Z")
[QUOTE=Boyo Jim] Personally, I would stay away from power tools. Too hard to clean. I don’t think a chain saw would fit in my dishwasher. [/quote] I recall a B&W comic-book story I once read. The main character is a balding middle-aged nebbish with an obsession with slasher films and (IIRC) a drug habit. When a teenage girl drops by his place on some sort of door-to-door collecting business, he excuses himself, then pops back into the living room wearing a leather hood-mask and wielding a roaring chainsaw. She screams – and defends herself with the coffee table, into which the chainsaw is embedded, and abruptly stops. As she flees, the frustrated slasher muses in astonishment, “Hm! This never happened to Leatherface!” [QUOTE=Boyo Jim] I have to ask this… is the goal to be a _successful_ slasher or a _popular_ slasher? Because, frankly, my ideal slasher would make for a fairly dull movie character. [/QUOTE] We’re trying to devise rules useful from the slasher’s POV – so it all depends on his particular motivations, but successful would probably be preferred. (OTOH, remember Freddy Kreuger’s publicity-seeking motivation in [_Freddy vs. Jason._](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Freddy_Vs._Jason)) ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2007, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801/34 "2007-11-19T05:13:03Z")
If I’m one of those nigh-invincible undead slashers, I’m not going to bother attacking isolated teenagers at night, or tormenting people who’s story the authorities will never believe. No…I’m going to take creative advantage of my strengths. I’m going to attack _crowds_ of civilians, in broad daylight, with plenty of cameras present. I’ll wade through Time Square cutting a swath of carnage before me while the authorities unload everything in the arsenal into my shuddering hulk without any effect, until they actually run out of ammunition. Entire _continents_ will be gripped by the fear of me. Happy Halloween! ---
**Author:** ![OtakuLoki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ac8455/32.png) [@OtakuLoki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OtakuLoki)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2007, 5:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801/35 "2007-11-19T05:13:55Z")
Before we get too far along, I’d suggest that a good resource for some other basic precautions would be [The Evil Overlord List](http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html) . While my goals are not world domination, there are certain parallel interests. Not least are the shared concerns for the dangers presented by wise-cracking sidekicks, heroes, and law enforcement types. I would remember that no matter how appealing any of my victims may be, unless I have some fool proof means to dispose of bodies there are good reasons to ensure that I leave no DNA samples with the corpse. To that end, I will invest in a new look, too. I will shave my head, and make extensive use of dipilatory treatments to minimize the amount of trace evidence I leave in my wake. Of course, for some of us, that means getting Nair[sup]TM[/sup] in industrial quantities. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2007, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801/36 "2007-11-20T19:01:06Z")
[QUOTE=OtakuLoki] I would remember that no matter how appealing any of my victims may be, unless I have some fool proof means to dispose of bodies there are good reasons to ensure that I leave no DNA samples with the corpse. To that end, I will invest in a new look, too. I will shave my head, and make extensive use of dipilatory treatments to minimize the amount of trace evidence I leave in my wake. Of course, for some of us, that means getting Nair[sup]TM[/sup] in industrial quantities. [/QUOTE] However, while working I will wear a wig and fake eyebrows, so if any witness spots me, the authorities won’t be looking for a bald and browless killer. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2007, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801/37 "2007-11-20T19:17:19Z")
[QUOTE=Derleth] [ul]Does your cult-cum-feed-trough look a bit depleted? [/ul] [/QUOTE] Ewwww - keep it under your leather apron there, man! ---
**Author:** ![Jolly\_Roger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/91b2a8/32.png) [@Jolly\_Roger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jolly_Roger)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2007, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801/38 "2007-11-20T19:30:06Z")
[QUOTE=Zoggie] I just have to say that I love this. Can I make “be the cicada” my new mantra? [/QUOTE] I dunno…the name escapes me but there was an 80’s flick where the guy was a cicada man. Oh, yeah…“The Beast Within”. ---
**Author:** ![Will\_Repair](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a698b9/32.png) [@Will\_Repair](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Will_Repair)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2007, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801/39 "2007-11-20T20:13:10Z")
[QUOTE=Sitnam] …nobodys affraid of clowns. [/QUOTE] [http://www.clownz.com/stories.html](http://www.clownz.com/stories.html) ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2007, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801/40 "2007-11-20T21:07:32Z")
[QUOTE=Sitnam] I’d make my base of operations a party balloon factory, nobodys affraid of clowns. [/QUOTE] Except for, you know, everybody. Everyone knows clowns are evil. You know it. I know it. The American people know it. The FIRST thing the cops do when there’s an unexplained murder is round up the clowns and work them over until one of them talks. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-i-would-do-if-i-were-a-slice-n-dice-film-slasher/426801.md?page=3)