# What if all movies were merchandised like Star Wars **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [February 28, 2006, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521 "2006-02-28T21:27:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![St\_Ides](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@St\_Ides](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/St_Ides)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2006, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521/21 "2006-03-01T01:42:25Z")
> [@Laughing Lagomorph](#): > > I’m definitely seeing a line of _Fight Club_ designer bath soap… [Ahem…](http://www.kropserkel.com/fightclub.htm) ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2006, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521/22 "2006-03-01T04:36:12Z")
“_Birth of A Nation_ Dress-Up Set. Authorized by Mr. D.W. Griffith. Now your child can ‘re-create’ this epic motion picture with their own ‘Klans-man’ hood and uniform. Only 50 cents.”- 1916 Sears Roebuck Catalogue “_THE EXORCIST_™ Action Figures #2039 Regan. Head really spins! Vomits! Voice chip says “Your mother sucks cocks in Hell,” four other phrases. 99 cents. ©Warner Bros. Pictures”- 1973 Toys “R” Us flyer “_THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST_™ Crucifixion Playset Your child will have hours of fun recreating the epic climax from the hit movie. Comes with wooden cross, nails, and crown of thorns. Buy this in remembrance of Him! $6.99 ™&©2004 Icon Productions. Used with permission.”- 2004 Sears Wish Book ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2006, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521/23 "2006-03-01T04:49:20Z")
I was once given, a promotional item of 'There’s Something About Mary, 100% organic hair gel". ---
**Author:** ![Ins\_Outs\_What-have-yous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8797f3/32.png) [@Ins\_Outs\_What-have-yous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ins_Outs_What-have-yous)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2006, 9:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521/24 "2006-03-01T09:22:25Z")
_Office Space_–Red Swingline staplers could be purchased not only in office supply stores but in toy stores as well. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2006, 11:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521/25 "2006-03-01T11:36:53Z")
> [@robdavsuss](#): > > First of all, what the F is this? [Darth Vader with missle-launching glider cape!](http://www.hasbro.com/default.cfm?page=browse&product_id=16435) Now, I know that Lucas does not personally approve every bit of licensing and probably doesn’t even know this thing exisit, but c’mon. Missle. Launching. Glider. Cape. Jesus!!! Is that supposed to be camouflage, or the “glow” from lava, or did they attach the glider cape to Vader’s body after his bowels released when he died? Anyway… _Der Üntergang Führerbunker PlaySet!™_ Accurately and intricately detailed in 1/12th scale! Comes with speakers and VoiceChip™ system to work with all compatible _Üntergang_ figures! Plug in the “Dinner Jacket Hitler” figure to hear ten minutes of half-mad syphilitic ravings, in German! Plug the “Wrapped in Gasoline-Soaked Carpet Hitler” into the Action BombCrater to hear real CorpseSizzling Sound FX!™ \*Barbie’s™ American Beauty Playhouse!\*™ You’re a shallow, bourgois, latent ephebophiliac if you want to buy this toy! So buy it now, goddamnit! ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2006, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521/26 "2006-03-01T12:10:19Z")
Almost forgot… _Mad Scientist™_ brand _Guinea Pig: Flower of Flesh and Blood_™ kit! Comes with vats of Living Skin™, Beautiful Blossoming Blood™, one plastic Kama, rotating lighting gel wheel, and Lullaby of Hell™ Karaoke Tape! (Refills, clown white, and chicken sold seperately.) ---
**Author:** ![mobo85](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b19c9b/32.png) [@mobo85](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mobo85)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2006, 6:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521/27 "2006-03-01T18:50:58Z")
> [@ArchitectChore](#): > > _Office Space_–Red Swingline staplers could be purchased not only in office supply stores but in toy stores as well. Due to the popularity of _Office Space_, Swingline actually started manufacturing red staplers. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2006, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521/28 "2006-03-01T20:10:29Z")
> [@Ranchoth](#): > > Anyway… > > _Der Üntergang Führerbunker PlaySet!™_ Accurately and intricately detailed in 1/12th scale! Comes with speakers and VoiceChip™ system to work with all compatible _Üntergang_ figures! Plug in the “Dinner Jacket Hitler” figure to hear ten minutes of half-mad syphilitic ravings, in German! Plug the “Wrapped in Gasoline-Soaked Carpet Hitler” into the Action BombCrater to hear real CorpseSizzling Sound FX!™ Shindler’s List- Stationery set- The list is life- or your groceries, or just some doodles! It’s all up to you! Shindler’s list lice removal shampoo- Because sometimes, a shower really is about cleaning and delousing! Man In The Moon- Tony Clifton disguise kit-Includes wig, mustache, sunglasses, and salmon tuxedo jacket. Now you too can go so deeply into another persona, people will wonder if you’ve lost your mind. Official Man In The Moon Record player- Comes with the Mighty Mouse song and a record of The Great Gatsby. Intergender Wrestling Championship Belt- Because we all know that women are weak. Now you can prove to the world just how inferior they are, and grab their goodies while you’re doing it. Mal, The Malignant Tumor-Soft and cuddly, squeeze Mal and he says one of five fun things “Die, Kaufmann!” “Psychic surgery? Bwahahaha!” “Hey kid, I want friends! Start smoking!” “I like you kid. You’ve really grown on me.” “I beat chemo, and I didn’t even get a lousy t-shirt.” ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2006, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521/29 "2006-03-01T20:58:33Z")
**Hannibal Lecter** Fava Beans – great with liver! **Hannibakl Lecter** Chianti. It’s nice! **Fight Club** brand Soap – now in single serving size! ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2006, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521/30 "2006-03-01T21:16:35Z")
**Sin City** brand “Yellow Bastard” Erectile Dysfunction treatments. “When Viagra just isn’t enough” ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [March 1, 2006, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521/31 "2006-03-01T21:25:38Z")
**Ringu** brand Photo Developing **Ringu** brand Television Monitors. “So real, you’ll think it’s there!” **Signs** brand Baseball Bats “Keep Swinging” ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521/32 "2006-03-02T06:21:50Z")
The _Grizzlyman_™ beanie bear, "Mr. Chocolate."™ Don’t let the lil guy get too hungry! ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521/33 "2006-03-02T16:24:44Z")
If all movies were merchandised like _Star Wars_ I could get a _The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover_ lunchbox. But I’d be scared to look and see what might be inside it. ---
**Author:** ![D\_Odds](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/d_odds/32/2882_2.png) [@D\_Odds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D_Odds)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521/34 "2006-03-02T18:49:20Z")
> [@bubastis](#): > > He’s Spider-Man! He fucking swings about!! What about when he visits Aunt May in Queens? Not much swinging to be down from row after row of 2 story houses. ---
**Author:** ![Charger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df788c/32.png) [@Charger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charger)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521/35 "2006-03-02T19:06:58Z")
> [@CalMeacham](#): > > **Hannibal Lecter** Fava Beans – great with liver! Kids would have much more fun with the **Buffalo Bill** playset, complete with basket and lotion. The Catherine Martin action figure in the well would be simply labeled “it” on the packaging. There would be multiple skins for him to wear, kind of like Barbie’s marketing. “Malibu Buffalo Bill,” “Princess Buffalo Bill,” “Nurse Buffalo Bill,” etc. ---
**Author:** ![batsto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b2d939/32.png) [@batsto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/batsto)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521/36 "2006-03-02T19:07:11Z")
It’s no longer a problem, since Aunt May doesn’t live in Queens anymore. Yet he always seemed to find a way to swing even when she did live there, didn’t he? And he asked Tony Stark to give him ‘rocket boots’ in the latest issue of ASM, but Tony said ‘no’. (or was that in New Avengers?) Either way, there’s no need for a Spider-buggy or any other Spider-vehicle. And I’m trying really hard to forget that such a thing ever existed in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_MB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steve_mb/32/5339_2.png) [@Steve\_MB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_MB)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521/37 "2006-03-02T19:19:26Z")
> [@bubastis](#): > > I’m with you on the missile cape thing… I get pretty annoyed with all the spin-off toys that the “real” character would NEVER use… Batman toys especially; it isnt enough that a kid has a batman figure, he has to have super-combat-nightglo-heatseeking-ribbedforpleasure-deluxe Batman, loaded down with all sorts of shit that, if it were in real life, Bats would’nt be able to walk, let alone fight crime. Yes, but does he have a missle-launching glider cape? ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 10:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521/38 "2006-03-02T22:19:08Z")
The _Eraserhead_ playset, with Half-Formed Mutant Baby and Heat Register with Dancing Worm-Stomping Freak! Watch out for more in Mattell’s David Lynch line! ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521/39 "2006-03-02T22:58:09Z")
> [@KRC](#): > > If all movies were merchandised like _Star Wars_ I could get a _The Cook, The Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover_ lunchbox. But I’d be scared to look and see what might be inside it. Don’t forget the cookbook! “The Cook, the Thief, His Wife & Her Lover” Cookbook Heck, while I’m on the subject of cookbooks … The “Hannibal Lecter” Cookbook! ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2006, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521/40 "2006-03-02T23:23:33Z")
> [@BrainGlutton](#): > > The _Eraserhead_ playset, with Half-Formed Mutant Baby and Heat Register with Dancing Worm-Stomping Freak! Watch out for more in Mattell’s David Lynch line! Don’t forget the “artificial chickens”. A Sonny Corleone Hot Wheels playset with toll booth and machine gun noise and exploding body parts would be really cool. Abe Vigoda could also do voiceovers for a video game as could Pacino and lots of the other supporting characters. “_In Cold Blood Sausage_- now that’s _Tru Flavor_!” would be cool. A special edition of the game _OPERATION_ could be marketed in conjunction with _TRANSAMERICA_. The Fisher Price _CRASH_ racial tension inner city playset would be cool as well, especially if it came with the boat and a little rubber dolphin. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-all-movies-were-merchandised-like-star-wars/346521.md?page=3)