# What if David Cronenberg had directed Return of the Jedi? **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 26, 2011, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-david-cronenberg-had-directed-return-of-the-jedi/583330 "2011-05-26T18:34:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-david-cronenberg-had-directed-return-of-the-jedi/583330/1 "2011-05-26T18:34:43Z")
According to [David Cronenberg - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/David_Cronenberg), Cronenberg was considered by George Lucas to direct Return of the Jedi. As a big Star Wars fan, and a big Cronenberg fan (esp. his later, less vomit-inducing stuff), this blows my mind. How would the movie have been different? ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-david-cronenberg-had-directed-return-of-the-jedi/583330/2 "2011-05-26T18:35:59Z")
I’ll start. The Ewoks would have been insectoid, and would have defeated the Stormtroopers by sneaking into their barracks and laying eggs inside their sleeping bodies. Just as the rebels are surrounded, the eggs would hatch, the larva eating the Troops inside out. ---
**Author:** ![Pine\_Fresh\_Scent](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/43a26b/32.png) [@Pine\_Fresh\_Scent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pine_Fresh_Scent)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-david-cronenberg-had-directed-return-of-the-jedi/583330/3 "2011-05-26T18:57:09Z")
Christopher Walken, fresh from his leading role in Cronenburg’s _The Dead Zone_ steals every scene he’s in as a Jedi warrior. This would strongly influence his portrayal of Major Koons years later in \*Pulp Fiction: \* “The way your Dad looked at it, Luke, that lightsaber was your birthright. He’d be damned if any Jawas were gonna put their greasy yella hands on his boy’s birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something…” ---
**Author:** ![D18](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c57346/32.png) [@D18](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/D18)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-david-cronenberg-had-directed-return-of-the-jedi/583330/4 "2011-05-26T19:04:05Z")
Why, kinky inter-lifeform sex, of course. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-david-cronenberg-had-directed-return-of-the-jedi/583330/5 "2011-05-26T19:26:10Z")
The sarlacc would talk, of course, probably about Interzone. ---
**Author:** ![Anamorphic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/anamorphic/32/3057_2.png) [@Anamorphic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anamorphic)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-david-cronenberg-had-directed-return-of-the-jedi/583330/6 "2011-05-26T19:30:35Z")
I seem to recall that David Lynch was also considered for Jedi, which would have been its own brand of strangeness. The Ewoks would have been filmed in reverse, maybe? ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2011, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-david-cronenberg-had-directed-return-of-the-jedi/583330/7 "2011-05-26T20:02:05Z")
> [@Anamorphic](#): > > I seem to recall that David Lynch was also considered for Jedi, which would have been its own brand of strangeness. The Ewoks would have been filmed in reverse, maybe? “You can sit this one out, John - the soundtrack will be by Toto for no reason at all apart from obliquely indulging my _Wizard of Oz_ obsession.” ---
**Author:** ![Staggerlee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/staggerlee/32/3134_2.png) [@Staggerlee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Staggerlee)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2011, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-david-cronenberg-had-directed-return-of-the-jedi/583330/8 "2011-05-27T13:30:03Z")
I expect the standard way of sleeping would be to slash open a large animal’s belly and nestle into its intestines (rather than just in a survival situation). ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2011, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-david-cronenberg-had-directed-return-of-the-jedi/583330/9 "2011-05-27T13:40:52Z")
If he’d directed The Phantom Menace instead, JJ Binks’ head would have exploded in the first seen. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2011, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-david-cronenberg-had-directed-return-of-the-jedi/583330/10 "2011-05-27T13:53:59Z")
> [@Pine\_Fresh\_Scent](#): > > Christopher Walken, fresh from his leading role in Cronenburg’s _The Dead Zone_ steals every scene he’s in as a Jedi warrior. This would strongly influence his portrayal of Major Koons years later in \*Pulp Fiction: \* > > “The way your Dad looked at it, Luke, that lightsaber was your birthright. He’d be damned if any Jawas were gonna put their greasy yella hands on his boy’s birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something…” Darth has a fever… a fever for more cowbell! ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2011, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-david-cronenberg-had-directed-return-of-the-jedi/583330/11 "2011-05-27T13:57:24Z")
> [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](#): > > If he’d directed The Phantom Menace instead, JJ Binks’ head would have exploded in the first seen. So there ARE upsides to the substitution… ---
**Author:** ![John\_DiFool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_difool/32/19543_2.png) [@John\_DiFool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_DiFool)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2011, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-david-cronenberg-had-directed-return-of-the-jedi/583330/12 "2011-05-27T14:24:00Z")
Didn’t we have a game here a few years back where we would envision how a given movie premise would work in the hands of another director? ---
**Author:** ![Onomatopoeia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/onomatopoeia/32/4145_2.png) [@Onomatopoeia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Onomatopoeia)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2011, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-david-cronenberg-had-directed-return-of-the-jedi/583330/13 "2011-05-27T14:30:31Z")
> [@Pine\_Fresh\_Scent](#): > > Christopher Walken, fresh from his leading role in Cronenburg’s _The Dead Zone_ steals every scene he’s in as a Jedi warrior. This would strongly influence his portrayal of Major Koons years later in \*Pulp Fiction: \* > > “The way your Dad looked at it, Luke, that lightsaber was your birthright. He’d be damned if any Jawas were gonna put their greasy yella hands on his boy’s birthright. So he hid it in the one place he knew he could hide something…” Why does the idea of Christopher Walken in any project make me smile? 🙂 Christopher Walken in any Star Wars movie would have rocked! ---
**Author:** ![jayjay](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jayjay/32/6765_2.png) [@jayjay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jayjay)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2011, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-david-cronenberg-had-directed-return-of-the-jedi/583330/14 "2011-05-27T14:33:24Z")
> [@Onomatopoeia](#): > > Why does the idea of Christopher Walken in any project make me smile? 🙂 Christopher Walken in any Star Wars movie would have rocked! “Please, ewoks…scootch closer. Don’t make me tell you _again_ about the scootching!” ---
**Author:** ![awldune](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c77e96/32.png) [@awldune](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/awldune)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2011, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-david-cronenberg-had-directed-return-of-the-jedi/583330/15 "2011-05-27T15:28:45Z")
I feel like it’s safe to say we would have explored the psychological ramifications of Luke and Leia’s incestuous feelings a little more explicitly. OTOH, I doubt he would have changed Jabba’s palace or the Sarlacc pit much. Replacing Palpatine with a seductive female Empress (think Borg queen) would probably be right up Cronenberg’s alley. Or maybe just keep Palpatine but have him be disturbingly sexually aggressive toward Luke. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2011, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-david-cronenberg-had-directed-return-of-the-jedi/583330/16 "2011-05-27T16:23:35Z")
The gold bikini’s still there. On Han. ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2011, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-david-cronenberg-had-directed-return-of-the-jedi/583330/17 "2011-05-27T16:33:47Z")
> [@Onomatopoeia](#): > > Why does the idea of Christopher Walken in any project make me smile? 🙂 Christopher Walken in any Star Wars movie would have rocked! Did you realize that Walken did, indeed, read for the part of Han Solo in the original movie? ---
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2011, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-david-cronenberg-had-directed-return-of-the-jedi/583330/18 "2011-05-27T16:34:51Z")
> [@awldune](#): > > Or maybe just keep Palpatine but have him be disturbingly sexually aggressive toward Luke. That doesn’t take much change from the actual script. 😃 > [@Emperor Palpatine](#): > > I can feel your hate **swelling** within you. ---
**Author:** ![Onomatopoeia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/onomatopoeia/32/4145_2.png) [@Onomatopoeia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Onomatopoeia)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2011, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-david-cronenberg-had-directed-return-of-the-jedi/583330/19 "2011-05-27T16:35:33Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > Did you realize that Walken did, indeed, read for the part of Han Solo in the original movie? I did not know that. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![robardin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/43a26b/32.png) [@robardin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robardin)\ **Post date:** [May 27, 2011, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-david-cronenberg-had-directed-return-of-the-jedi/583330/20 "2011-05-27T16:53:02Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > That doesn’t take much change from the actual script. 😃 (“_I can feel your hate **swelling** within you_”) LOL! \*\*Luke \*\*(to self): Oh, my God… Is he coming on to me?! **Emperor** : Take your Jedi weapon. Use it! I am unarmed! \*\*Luke \*\*(to self): _gasp_ He IS coming on to me! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-david-cronenberg-had-directed-return-of-the-jedi/583330.md?page=2)