# What if real life were more like porn? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 17, 2005, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/312904 "2005-07-17T21:29:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Ol\_Gaffer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Ol\_Gaffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ol_Gaffer)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2005, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/312904/41 "2005-07-18T19:13:32Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Why do you have to wear any now? No one’s forcing you to. Because if real life were more like porn, chafing would be non-existent. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2005, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/312904/42 "2005-07-18T19:44:46Z")
> [@Miss Purl McKnittington](#): > > Barnraising IV: The Awakening of Chastity Miller I just got the biggest kick out of this! 😃 If real life was like porn, my name would be _Dick Steel_, or _Harry Balzac_. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Weird\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7bcc69/32.png) [@The\_Weird\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Weird_One)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2005, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/312904/43 "2005-07-18T19:55:58Z")
All conversations would be stilted and meaningless. Bill Clinton wouldn’t’ve been impeached. ---
**Author:** ![Madd\_Maxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Madd\_Maxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Madd_Maxx)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2005, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/312904/44 "2005-07-18T20:04:28Z")
The commercials would be a lot more interesting. Viagra would be like Flintstones chewables. No one would ever get any work done. Especially after hours or “on-the-road.” I would be a lot closer to my neighbors. Wives. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2005, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/312904/45 "2005-07-18T20:32:47Z")
I’d still be sitting in the corner of the bedroom masturbating. But at least there’d be a threesome on the bed I could watch. ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2005, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/312904/46 "2005-07-18T20:35:16Z")
My wife wouldn’t burst out laughing every time I said, “Oh yeah, baby - take it! take it _all!_” ---
**Author:** ![rayh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@rayh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rayh)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2005, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/312904/47 "2005-07-18T20:40:37Z")
You mean [like this?](http://drew.corrupt.net/lp/index.html) ---
**Author:** ![Daithi\_Lacha](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daithi_lacha/32/5430_2.png) [@Daithi\_Lacha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daithi_Lacha)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2005, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/312904/48 "2005-07-18T20:56:20Z")
> [@rayh](#): > > You mean [like this?](http://drew.corrupt.net/lp/index.html) Amusing, but NOT work-safe! ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2005, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/312904/49 "2005-07-18T21:50:39Z")
> [@Daithi Lacha](#): > > Amusing, but NOT work-safe! Especially for those of us who work at Legoland. And if real life were more like GAY porn, my six pack abs and XXX large overstuffed jock would look great, but unfortunately, I would not be able to say much other than “dude” and “yeah”. Philosophical discussions would be limited. Still, I would always have work with my buddies in construction, military and law enforcement. ---
**Author:** ![Tentacle\_Monster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba9def/32.png) [@Tentacle\_Monster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tentacle_Monster)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2005, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/312904/50 "2005-07-18T22:11:07Z")
> [@DMark](#): > > Still, I would always have work with my buddies in construction, military and law enforcement. Throw in an Indian and a biker and you’ve got the Village People. ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2005, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/312904/51 "2005-07-18T22:13:20Z")
If real life were simulataneously like gay porn and straight porn, would it be the equivalent of matter and anti-matter colliding? ---
**Author:** ![DMark](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@DMark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DMark)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2005, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/312904/52 "2005-07-18T23:03:14Z")
> [@kunilou](#): > > If real life were simulataneously like gay porn and straight porn, would it be the equivalent of matter and anti-matter colliding? There is a black hole joke that could be inserted here… ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2005, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/312904/53 "2005-07-19T18:06:35Z")
Women would be skilled in ventriloquism (ventrilogasm?), so they could speak during fellatio, while the camera was on the other guy boinking her. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2005, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/312904/54 "2005-07-19T18:57:48Z")
> [@DMark](#): > > inserted here Heh, you said “inserted.” ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2005, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/312904/55 "2005-07-19T20:39:55Z")
Actually I think all delivery pizza places would go broke. Manager: Where is the money? Delivery boy: Well, ummmm Manger: You gave them pizzas for sex AGAIN! Actually there would be no currency. All items would be obtain by having sex with someone. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2005, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/312904/56 "2005-07-19T21:53:30Z")
> [@Zebra](#): > > Manager: Where is the money? > Delivery boy: Well, ummmm > Manger: You gave them pizzas for sex AGAIN! Manager: You know what you have to do now… {Cue music} ---
**Author:** ![ouryL](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ouryl/32/6067_2.png) [@ouryL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ouryL)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2005, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/312904/57 "2005-07-19T22:47:12Z")
Porn would then be like real life? ---
**Author:** ![whatsittoya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/13edae/32.png) [@whatsittoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whatsittoya)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2005, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/312904/58 "2005-07-20T03:58:48Z")
> [@Metacom](#): > > The husband would walk in on his wife with the plumber, divorce her, loose the children in a viscious custody battle, get screwed on child support, and end up living in a tiny 1-bedroom apartment and driving a 1987 corvette that needs body work. > > The wife would become an alcoholic slut, and spend the next several years boinking everything with a pulse and neglecting her children. Eventually, she’d settle down with “Randy,” a 23-year old motorcycle mechanic with a methamphetamine problem and poor teeth. He’ll spend all of her money before knocking over a convenience store and leaving her all alone in the world. Again. > > The male child will become a goth of the worst sort, wearing white facial makeup, dyeing his hair black, and wearing floor-length black robes to school. He will be mercilessly picked on by his peers, and will spend most of his free time writing angst-ridden poetry that has about as much sophistication and unique insight as “Police Academy XIV”. In college, he’ll become a furry and spend four years walking around with a plush tale hanging out the back of his pants. He’ll ditch it in order to get a job, and eventually settles into a reasonably normal life, but he’s forever marred by the stigma of having had his first sexual experiences while wearing a giant raccoon suit. > > The female child will, inexplicably, manage to come out relatively unscathed by staying as far away from her destroyed family has humanly possible. She’ll go to a community college, transfer to a four year school, get a BSN and embark on a succesful career has a nurse. She’ll marry a good man, and will enjoy a prosperous life, until her husband will come home early from a business trip on a day she’d taken off of work to supervise a plumber replacing her garbage disposal… A bit more flushing out and that could be turned into a major book deal. ---
**Author:** ![PhoenixFire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/cc9497/32.png) [@PhoenixFire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PhoenixFire)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2005, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/312904/59 "2005-07-20T13:40:49Z")
Cigarettes, would never actually burnout and they would make breath minty sweet and teeth pearly white. No male would ever have to worry about pubic hair, or any body hair really. Every pick up line would work. “my lady your dress… it’s made of fabric” “Oh take me here, now in front of god and everyone” and nobody would actually care ---
**Author:** ![Balle\_M](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/13edae/32.png) [@Balle\_M](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balle_M)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2005, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/312904/60 "2005-07-20T16:27:41Z")
All frumpy, overweight 65 year-old librarians would remove their glasses and suddenly look exactly like Jessica Alba, except hotter. In addition, they would demand satisfaction. Right here. Right now. Over the Reference Desk. Anally. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-real-life-were-more-like-porn/312904.md?page=2)