What if vertebrates had six limbs?

[_mostly_Harmless]

Nobody’s said it yet?

Okay, I’ll say it:

Four limbs good! Six Limbs bad!

[Try2B_Comprehensive]

@Leaffan

You could masturbate and type at the same time.

No, that’s the trouble with being a centaur. No whacking off, despite 6 limbs. Just can’t reach.

Using toilet paper would be a problem as well, along with all sorts of other hygiene issues.

[BrainGlutton]

@Try2B_Comprehensive

No, that’s the trouble with being a centaur. No whacking off, despite 6 limbs. Just can’t reach.

Using toilet paper would be a problem as well, along with all sorts of other hygiene issues.

Well, not every hexapod? sexaped? vertebrate need be designed like a horse/centaur; I daresay a canid-analogue could still lick its balls, and a primate-analogue could still masturbate like a chimp in a zoo-cage. But, it is unlikely any line, even a primate-analogue, would ever develop bipedal locomotion, because there’s no conceivable advantage to it (is there?).

[BrainGlutton]

@_mostly_Harmless

Nobody’s said it yet?

Okay, I’ll say it:

Four limbs good! Six Limbs bad!

No, actually, think about it, the Animal Farm-rebel-analogue species would be non-sentient species – dumb animals – that used all six limbs for locomotion instead of their forelimbs for manipulation, and that had been domesticated by sentient species with manipulatory forelimbs. So their cry would be, “Six legs good! Four legs bad!”

[Try2B_Comprehensive]

@BrainGlutton

Well, not every hexapod? sexaped? vertebrate need be designed like a horse/centaur; I daresay a canid-analogue could still lick its balls, and a primate-analogue could still masturbate like a chimp in a zoo-cage. But, it is unlikely any line, even a primate-analogue, would ever develop bipedal locomotion, because there’s no conceivable advantage to it (is there?).

Yes, but I think a centaur-like creature that couldn’t masturbate would be more likely to evolve in an interesting way. Off the top of my head I can think of examples of two geniuses- the character from ‘A Beautiful Mind’ and Mark Zuckerburg- who as young geniuses devoted their attention to the problem of getting laid. In a centaur population these types wouldn’t be isolated cases. Not being able to masturbate they would all apply themselves to the problem of getting laid from a young age, increasing the proportion of geniuses considerably over the feeble showing of mankind.

Not that humans haven’t tried. This link explains some of the history of ani-onanism efforts, namely through the circumcision movement. As you can see, the period of human history with the most circumcisions is also the most florid period of intellectual achievement in all of history.

1860: .001% of the North Eastern urban American male population circumcised

In cases of masturbation we must, I believe, break the habit by inducing such a condition of the parts as will cause too much local suffering to allow of the practice being continued. For this purpose, if the prepuce is long, we may circumcise the male patient with present and probably with future advantage; the operation, too, should not be performed under chloroform, so that the pain experienced may be associated with the habit we wish to eradicate.
[Athol A.W. Johnson. On An Injurious Habit Occasionally Met with in Infancy and Early Childhood. Lancet 1860;1:344-345.]

1935: 55% of the North Eastern urban American male population circumcised

I suggest that all male children should be circumcised. This is “against nature,” but that is exactly the reason why it should be done. Nature intends that the adolescent male shall copulate as often and as promiscuously as possible, and to that end covers the sensitive glans so that it shall be ever ready to receive stimuli. Civilization, on the contrary, requires chastity, and the glans of the circumcised rapidly assumes a leathery texture less sensitive than skin. Thus the adolescent has his attention drawn to his penis much less often. I am convinced that masturbation is much less common in the circumcised. With these considerations in view it does not seem apt to argue that "God knows best how to make little boys.

[R.W. Cockshut. Circumcision. British Medical Journal. 1935;2:764.]

…just to give you an idea of the trend outlined in the article. Of course it is too late today for your hexapods, but if say a phylum had arisen of 6-limbed vertebrates early enough in evolutionary history, I suggest the centaur-like creature would have won the race and would now occupy the place in the heirarchy of life that we humans currently, luckily, enjoy.

[jayjay]

R.W. Cockshut? I can’t figure out if that’s ironic or fitting.

[BrainGlutton]

I am convinced that masturbation is much less common in the circumcised.

Somebody warm up the time machine and send dude a copy of Portnoy’s Complaint.

[BrainGlutton]

@njtt

They’d be insects.

No, they’d be endoskeletal.

[JBDivmstr]

@Leaffan

You could masturbate and type at the same time.

Hell, I can already do that!
I guess it would make for faster typing, though.

[Damuri_Ajashi]

@jayjay

Or, as it were, an extra set of middle limbs to evolve into wings…hello, dragonishes, griffonishes, angelishes, etc…

or 8 limbs…centaurs with wings.

[Try2B_Comprehensive]

@BrainGlutton

Somebody warm up the time machine and send dude a copy of Portnoy’s Complaint.

OK!: A six-limbed, wing’d Portnoy.

[BrainGlutton]

@Try2B_Comprehensive

OK!: A six-limbed, wing’d Portnoy.

Actually, I think that’s a traditional heraldic beast or something.

[Try2B_Comprehensive]

@BrainGlutton

Actually, I think that’s a traditional heraldic beast or something.

Like, a coat of arms for instance?

[BrainGlutton]

@Try2B_Comprehensive

Like, a coat of arms for instance?

More like a rampant supporter.

[Try2B_Comprehensive]

Might come in handy in a Merovingian justice showdown:

“I see you have chosen the gladiator from Illycrium as your champion. To prove God favors my cause, I choose the 6-limbed griffin with the OCD hard-on as challenger.”