# What if you don't like your stepchild? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 11, 2016, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675 "2016-07-11T18:32:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2016, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675/61 "2016-07-13T19:19:18Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > Yes? I mean, if she’s unhappy because the guy doesn’t treat her well, sure, I agree. But if the guy is making an honest effort but she’s upset because, say, she is not used to sharing your attention, isn’t that something that she needs to learn to adapt to? Shouldn’t she learn that your happiness matters too? Not that my opinion matters much (I have no experience with this kind of situation), but I agree with you. There wouldn’t be a whole lot of second marriages if parents allowed their kids to vote on potential spouses. It’s not like kids are the best judges of character. A kid might not like a girlfriend or boyfriend just because they aren’t their mom or dad–not being able to appreciate the former is stand-up while the latter is the horrible one. If we allowed kids to make the decisions, we’d all be eating ice cream for breakfast and walking around without coats in the middle of winter. A kid might be unhappy with a new step parent for a little bit. But they are resilient and will get with the program soon enough, if we’re talking about a normal stepparent and a normal kid. ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2016, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675/62 "2016-07-13T19:20:59Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > Even though it’s all academic at this point, it might be enlightening to know if the OP and/or the GF grew up with siblings (and if so, where they fell in the birth order), and what’s the story on the little girl’s dad (still a part of her life, EVER a part, involved/disengaged), how long the GF has been a single mom, and how long were OP and GF seeing each other. > > If it’s too painful to go into right now, don’t feel obligated to indulge my curiosity. I wish you the best. No, it helps to talk about it. I think. Actually, I don’t know. But the answer is, we both have one sibling, she has an older brother and I have a younger sister. Ex GF has sole custody; bio father lives a few states away. He takes the daughter to visit him for about a twice a year, a week or so each time. They Skype occasionally. He’s not really involved but he thinks he is. They divorced about a year after the kid was born because he wouldn’t stop cheating on her, and I was her first major relationship after that. We were together for about a year, though there were lots of stops and starts because I didn’t know if I could be what she and her kid needed. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I would be a third wheel for the next decade. It was part ego and part abject fear about the ways my life would change, and what that means for a relationship. I waffled a lot. I wanted to change my feelings so badly, and be okay with it all. But I ran out of time. And she did give me a lot of time. I just made so many mistakes. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2016, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675/63 "2016-07-13T19:57:31Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > Are we doomed? Am I being unreasonable? Would appreciate some feedback. I don’t want to lose this woman, but I just can’t do this for the rest of my life. Will things get better? You need to get a fair amount of gone between you and the GF. She is clueless about being a parent and she will always take her kids side against you. Nothing good will come from this relationship. ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2016, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675/64 "2016-07-13T20:14:25Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > A kid might be unhappy with a new step parent for a little bit. But they are resilient and will get with the program soon enough, if we’re talking about a normal stepparent and a normal kid. Not always. Consider the cases where the birth parents didn’t split up until the kids were a little older. They remember their original family unit and a step parent means never having mommy and daddy back together. Another point I am facing first hand is when divorced parents try really hard not to be the “mean” parent and overcompensate by being overly lenient toward bad behavior. As the step parent, you can’t override the biological parent so a lot of misbehavior goes unpunished. Which leads to more bad behavior because hey, no consequences. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2016, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675/65 "2016-07-13T20:25:16Z")
> [@xizor](#): > > Not always. Consider the cases where the birth parents didn’t split up until the kids were a little older. They remember their original family unit and a step parent means never having mommy and daddy back together. I suppose anything is possible. I can easily imagine a kid who never gets over the “loss” of their non-custodial parent. Just like a kid may never get over losing their deceased parent. Bad feelings have a tendency to linger. But always having sore feelings about something doesn’t equate to misery, IMHO. And I don’t think a parent should hold their own happiness hostage to the emotional whims of a 7-year-old. I fail to see how living with a parent who is lonely and miserable would be a better situation for a kid than putting up with a good step-parent they just aren’t heads-over-heels about. ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2016, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675/66 "2016-07-13T20:44:50Z")
> [@xizor](#): > > As the step parent, you can’t override the biological parent so a lot of misbehavior goes unpunished. Really? Huh. My stepdad became 100% an acting parent, with equal rights to no or yes, as my mom pretty much as soon as he moved in when I was a preteen. (Bio-dad wasn’t really in the picture, it had been just me and mom from the ages of 5-12.) It never occurred to anyone in the house that he might have lesser parenting rights than Mom. And he was a lot stricter - Mom let a lot of things go when she was parenting solo that Kev put his foot down about. I wonder why some families are like this and some aren’t? Maybe it has to do with how committed the step is to being a parent? Or how much the bio-parent is willing to share the responsibility? ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [July 13, 2016, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675/67 "2016-07-13T23:21:23Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > No, it helps to talk about it. I think. Actually, I don’t know. But the answer is, we both have one sibling, she has an older brother and I have a younger sister. Ex GF has sole custody; bio father lives a few states away. He takes the daughter to visit him for about a twice a year, a week or so each time. They Skype occasionally. He’s not really involved but he thinks he is. They divorced about a year after the kid was born because he wouldn’t stop cheating on her, and I was her first major relationship after that. > > We were together for about a year, though there were lots of stops and starts because I didn’t know if I could be what she and her kid needed. I just couldn’t shake the feeling that I would be a third wheel for the next decade. It was part ego and part abject fear about the ways my life would change, and what that means for a relationship. I waffled a lot. I wanted to change my feelings so badly, and be okay with it all. But I ran out of time. And she did give me a lot of time. I just made so many mistakes. Thanks for sharing. **ReticulatingSplines**. Not having been in anything like your situation I can’t say for sure, but ISTM that it would have needed her on board with you receiving respect, if not acceptance, at least several months ago. You haven’t mentioned how Nana and Poppi felt about/treated you, but in order for this to have worked, they would have had to be on board with that too. Call us in a little sooner than the day she breaks it off, next time, okay? 😃 (I hope that wasn’t too flippant; my apologies if it was.) ---
**Author:** ![ReticulatingSplines](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@ReticulatingSplines](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReticulatingSplines)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675/68 "2016-07-14T00:16:59Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > Call us in a little sooner than the day she breaks it off, next time, okay? 😃 Haha, I thought I was doing that. The breakup sort of came out of left field. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675/69 "2016-07-14T01:37:46Z")
**General Questions** factual answer: military school, out of state. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675/70 "2016-07-14T04:30:36Z")
> [@ReticulatingSplines](#): > > Yes? I mean, if she’s unhappy because the guy doesn’t treat her well, sure, I agree. But if the guy is making an honest effort but she’s upset because, say, she is not used to sharing your attention, isn’t that something that she needs to learn to adapt to? Shouldn’t she learn that your happiness matters too? No. There’s time for me later. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675/71 "2016-07-14T04:33:52Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > Not that my opinion matters much (I have no experience with this kind of situation), but I agree with you. There wouldn’t be a whole lot of second marriages if parents allowed their kids to vote on potential spouses. It’s not like kids are the best judges of character. A kid might not like a girlfriend or boyfriend just because they aren’t their mom or dad–not being able to appreciate the former is stand-up while the latter is the horrible one. If we allowed kids to make the decisions, we’d all be eating ice cream for breakfast and walking around without coats in the middle of winter. > > A kid might be unhappy with a new step parent for a little bit. But they are resilient and will get with the program soon enough, if we’re talking about a normal stepparent and a normal kid. Could be. But at the same time, I’m not ruining my relationship with her to be with someone that doesn’t fit in. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675/72 "2016-07-14T04:40:40Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > I suppose anything is possible. I can easily imagine a kid who never gets over the “loss” of their non-custodial parent. Just like a kid may never get over losing their deceased parent. Bad feelings have a tendency to linger. > > But always having sore feelings about something doesn’t equate to misery, IMHO. And I don’t think a parent should hold their own happiness hostage to the emotional whims of a 7-year-old. I fail to see how living with a parent who is lonely and miserable would be a better situation for a kid than putting up with a good step-parent they just aren’t heads-over-heels about. Not all single parents are lonely and miserable. As a single parent, my life is way too busy to devote to a partner. My work, my art, her school, her hobbies. As I’ve said, if he’s a great guy, he’ll fit in. For my daughter to not like someone and act out would be massive red flags. It’s one thing for a kid to be unhappy and work things out, but it’s another if she was seriously unhappy with him. It’s just not worth the drama to me. Might I ask if you have children? ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675/73 "2016-07-14T06:19:06Z")
She doesn’t, but I’ve met parents who were on one hand busy as squirrels and on the other yearning for some adult company that did not involve their children in any way. And I don’t see anything in **monstro** ’s post which makes me think she believes _all_ single parents are lonely; she talks about those who happen to be. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675/74 "2016-07-14T06:24:05Z")
> [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](#): > > No. There’s time for me later. No, children need to learn that everybody gets respect and everybody gets a time to speak sooner rather than later. Training right the first time is a lot less difficult (note I did not say easier) than mistraining and correcting. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675/75 "2016-07-14T12:34:39Z")
I’ve said clearly that I am not talking about the speaking issue - that saying “my child comes first” to a normal parent has absolutely nothing to do with that- it has to do with running off at the last minute on a trip somewhere, staying out late on a school night, and the such. The “there’s time for me later” is in regards to my knowing I don’t have the time or energy for a partner right now and knowing that it’s not fair to him. So I don’t go looking for trouble. Just like the OP’s ex-girlfriend. If she knows her child will always come first - except in her case to the unhealthy extreme- she has no right dating. Every man is going to feel like the OP. I’m genuinely curious as to those giving advice- how many have children. It changes everything in ways you think you understand, but don’t. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675/76 "2016-07-14T12:39:59Z")
> [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](#): > > Not all single parents are lonely and miserable. As a single parent, my life is way too busy to devote to a partner. My work, my art, her school, her hobbies. As I’ve said, if he’s a great guy, he’ll fit in. For my daughter to not like someone and act out would be massive red flags. It’s one thing for a kid to be unhappy and work things out, but it’s another if she was seriously unhappy with him. It’s just not worth the drama to me. > Might I ask if you have children? No, I don’t have children. Frankly, I don’t see how that matters, though. Like everyone else in this thread, I was once a child. I remember how fleeting my emotions were as a kid. One day I could be absolutely miserable over something, and the very next day be fine with it just as long as candy or cookies were involved. My parents would have been a damn fool to consult me–as a 7-year-old–for decisions that really should be left to grown-ups. Of course not all single parents are lonely and miserable, but presumably we aren’t talking about all single parents, but rather single parents who become involved with a significant other to the point where they are contemplating marriage. Those people are NOT in the “single and loving it!” crowd. And some of these people don’t just have unmet emotional needs. Quite a few of them also need someone to help them raise their children. I really don’t think it’s wise to let a 7-year-old put the kibosh on a financially fruitful relationship just because Step-Dad doesn’t give horsey rides like Real Dad does. Yeah, the kid probably isn’t going to be overjoyed about having a step father, but she will likely be even more unhappy being poor or living with an exhausted parent. If you wouldn’t let your kid pick which house to live in, which schools she should attend, and what job you should work, why would you let her dictate what friends you will make? Or maybe you would do these things–I don’t know. But most parents wouldn’t, and I think that’s 100% okay. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675/77 "2016-07-14T13:54:48Z")
> [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](#): > > I’ve said clearly that I am not talking about the speaking issue - that saying “my child comes first” to a normal parent has absolutely nothing to do with that- it has to do with running off at the last minute on a trip somewhere, staying out late on a school night, and the such. The “there’s time for me later” is in regards to my knowing I don’t have the time or energy for a partner right now and knowing that it’s not fair to him. So I don’t go looking for trouble. Just like the OP’s ex-girlfriend. If she knows her child will always come first - except in her case to the unhealthy extreme- she has no right dating. Every man is going to feel like the OP. > > I’m genuinely curious as to those giving advice- how many have children. It changes everything in ways you think you understand, but don’t. I am/was a single parent. And the idea that you can’t date with out making your partner feel like a second class citizen seems ridiculous to me. ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675/78 "2016-07-14T16:40:37Z")
> [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](#): > > I wonder why some families are like this and some aren’t? Maybe it has to do with how committed the step is to being a parent? Or how much the bio-parent is willing to share the responsibility? It may be unique to my situation, but the bio-parent is more concerned with being perceived as the “mean” parent than doing what is best for the child. And being the step makes me feel, in my mind, that I don’t get to override that parenting philosophy yet. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [July 14, 2016, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675/79 "2016-07-14T17:21:19Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > I am/was a single parent. And the idea that you can’t date with out making your partner feel like a second class citizen seems ridiculous to me. That is really great for you (said with sincerity not sarcasm), but that’s how it is in my case. For example, my child in a way has affected my job choice. With my current job I have to travel more often than ever. They are day trips but I get home pretty late. She is old enough that it’s not a problem. If she was 5, I would not have taken this particular job. I love all the traveling, but if she were little I don’t feel it would be in her best interest- that’s the kind of stuff most normal parents mean when they say their kids come first. So between the traveling, her school activities, my work load, my friends, I don’t have much free time. When I was dating I would be upfront, tell them my time is limited (I’m not into the game playing). A guy asked when he could see me again and I told him my next available free day was in 3 weeks. He got all sorts of mad and went on about “if you don’t want to see me, just say so”. So, yeah, I can see how a guy can be made to feel like a third wheel in my life. It’s not fair to them so I am putting off dating. ---
**Author:** ![Tee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@Tee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tee)\ **Post date:** [July 15, 2016, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675/80 "2016-07-15T03:21:38Z")
My youngest is a girl the same age as the one in the OP. She is the product of my second marriage, daughter #5 in a blended family, and my only child with Christopher, who we lost to cancer two years ago. I am fortunate in that I’ve had a lot of experience with little girls before this particular one. The stakes are higher, I’m more careful, and more physically present than I ever was before; I am a lot more tolerant of this stage of life (7-10ish) and its ping-pong qualities - “I need Mom” and thirty seconds later, “I want to do it myself,” rinse and repeat all day. She’s my last baby and the years went by pretty fast for me, just as other parents warned me they would, with the last few years being particularly challenging. In a word. Some things I’ve read here remind me of other kids I’ve known, whose parents set little or no limits on their behaviors, even when the kids they are practically asking for them…other things struck an off note, like the constant battling over clothing. She runs the house but is not allowed to pick out her own shoes? At some point they want to dress themselves. You put your foot down when it’s outright sleazy or dangerous or something, but for a girl, this is huge and perfectly in line with a second grader in full I Gotta Be Me. I cannot reconcile those two things, so I’m stuck there. It’s the mother’s job to prioritize her time with you over time with the daughter, when and where appropriate, and she clearly wasn’t doing it, or not doing it enough. That is something I _really_ understand, because being the lone parent is a full-time job, and no one I know doing the job is walking around thinking how great they are at it. No, there’s a lot of self-judging and second-guessing, and guilt is a natural part of it all: How dare we put anything before our children’s wants and needs? Or we’re bargaining – I went out last night, had a great time, so I’ll make up for that today by doing five loads of laundry, cleaning the sink trap and baking cookies. LOL. You all sound pretty normal to me. But the mix is not right, not very advantageous for any of you. Just wanted to give you props for trying to make it work, trying to understand. I wish you well. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-if-you-dont-like-your-stepchild/759675.md?page=5)