# What in the hell is wrong with my husband **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [May 8, 2003, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974 "2003-05-08T21:35:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974/41 "2003-05-09T14:33:36Z")
. . . Just make sure whatever you do, keep your daughter away from Zachary Scott! ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974/42 "2003-05-09T14:37:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by light strand \* > \*\* > You could do it from home, no licensing required, and if you’re good, you can make a killing through word-of-mouth. \*\* Are you sure about a license not being required? Granted, if pastries and such are sold “on the side” one is not needed. I do believe, however, to sell them legally, ones needs to be licensed in some manner in regard to health codes. Not being a naysayer at all, but I think that when dealing with food issues, one must be very,very careful. If someone were to get sick (or think they got sick) from a homemade pastry, you could have big troubles. I’m not saying it’s a bad idea. I just want to add to be careful in regards to licensing is all. One of my mom’s friend’s helped herself through a VERY hard time by doing the following: She invested in a few coolers. She would get up early in the morning and make loads of breakfast burritos. She would label them and would add a squeeze bottle of salsa. She would then take these to local business and leave the coolers. The Burritos were sold on a by honour basis for about 1.00 each. She would return at the end of the day to pick up the coolers. She never had a problem with theft and it really helped her out. ---
**Author:** ![SCSimmons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e495f1/32.png) [@SCSimmons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SCSimmons)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974/43 "2003-05-09T14:42:38Z")
One point I haven’t seen mentioned in all of the entrepeneurial exuberance bubbling up in this thread: **Get your own personal bank account for your own earnings.** It would really suck if the extra $300 a month you were able to bring in went towards a brand new $500 a month liquor budget … ---
**Author:** ![Elza\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Elza\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elza_B)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974/44 "2003-05-09T14:45:14Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bad News Baboon \* > \*\*Are you sure about a license not being required? Granted, if pastries and such are sold “on the side” one is not needed. I do believe, however, to sell them legally, ones needs to be licensed in some manner in regard to health codes. > \*\* I just talked to my brother, who’s a chef, and knows other chefs who sell out of their homes - he said that while he doesn’t think that a business license is required, they do need to be certified by the health department in terms of not having any health code violations in your cooking area. But he said he also thinks that this is pretty easy to get around. Of course, YMMV in other states. Ava ---
**Author:** ![papergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/aca169/32.png) [@papergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/papergirl)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974/45 "2003-05-09T14:51:57Z")
**Leifsmama** , I feel for you. I’m raising four kids on about the same income, without Dad in residence (which, actually, is a Very Good Thing). Before we split, money was one of our biggest Issues, and I well remember him spending $300 to attend a wedding out of town, then being pissed at me for needing $50 for groceries. Not a dynamic I ever care to repeat, believe me. There are some good ideas here, as far as making a little extra. If you live in a decent-sized town, I’d think you could make a nice little income doing pastry-chef work. If you can use the car very early, you might do a paper delivery…I make $1500/month that way, and I’m home by 7 a.m. every day. Even if you did a small route, you could pull in enough to help with bills. Anyway…just wanted to offer a little moral support from someone who’s been there. The main question is: Is money an issue just because there’s not enough of it, or is this a control issue? In my case, it was all about control, and that’s completely different than just being poor. I’d also point out that you ARE contributing to your household every single day. You’re doing the work that doesn’t have a paycheck attached, and that can easily deceive people into thinking that you don’t WORK or contribute. But you DO…don’t let anyone make you feel you don’t. You won’t hurt your children by choosing to be frugal and staying home; you won’t hurt them by finding a decent job (if you can find something that makes it worthwhile) and putting them into daycare. You WILL hurt them if money becomes a battlefield between you and your husband, and HE will be hurting them if he continues to spend that much of your income on booze. I wish you the best. Feel free to email me if you’d like. Best, karol ---
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974/46 "2003-05-09T15:50:23Z")
Oh boy, this is a tough one. I grew up in a similar situation - Dad was an alcoholic and Mom stayed at home. It really screwed both my sister and I up. I’m still screwed up. 🙂 Please, please, please get to an Al-anon meeting. If not for you, for your kids. They deserve better. I wouldn’t dare say that if I didn’t speak from experience. Their concept of an adult relationship will be based on the relationship they learned at home from you. I hope things get better. ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974/47 "2003-05-09T16:10:16Z")
Another thing you could do with your experience is maybe give lessons in cake decorating? The local craft stores here that sell Wilton decorating supplies all have classes, and in ours the instructor made a pretty good living making custom cakes on the side. Another part-time option: Have you considered picking up a few hours at a movie theater? If you live in an area with a large multiplex where the late shows start really REALLY late I’m sure there might be a shift that starts late enough for you to feed your husband and kids dinner before you have to leave. It doesn’t pay very well but it’s a fairly low-stress job and it’ll give you the chance to intereact with other adults instead of being cooped up with kids all day. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974/48 "2003-05-09T17:01:39Z")
Coupla things: 1. Home-catering laws vary widely from state to state. Some states are actually quite lax about home kitchens so you could be in luck and need few, if any, modifications to your home kitchen set-up (do you have pets? they can be an obstacle). There are a million books out there for starting your own home-catering business. Honestly, this is a great, high-profit business that you would probably get a lot of satisfaction out of to boot. 2. Take-home pay of ~$1000/mo is approx $35K salary, not $24K as intimated earlier. Taxes, people. Good luck, this sounds like a very difficult situation. ---
**Author:** ![Leifsmama](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a698b9/32.png) [@Leifsmama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leifsmama)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974/49 "2003-05-09T17:54:55Z")
I used to do the make-pastry-out-of-my-home thing in TX and was shut down by someone threatening to tell the health department. I’m really glad they threatened before they called as the fine can be substantial. There’s no way a health inspector would certify my little appartment kitchen for retail food production. Cakes are good if you have the space, but not very good with no space (refridgeration space specifically.) Also, if I’m going to work, I want to get out. Talk to adults, make friends. You know, kill two birds with one stone. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974/50 "2003-05-09T17:58:14Z")
How about making cakes _at_ a restaurant? If they’re agreeable, that would be flexible hours, and they’d supply the ingredients. ---
**Author:** ![TeleTronOne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4af34b/32.png) [@TeleTronOne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TeleTronOne)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974/51 "2003-05-09T18:00:46Z")
Lots of breakfast-y type places open quite early in the morning, and, if they have their own bakeries, I imagine they’d open even earlier. Maybe you could get in and out of there before hubby goes to work? Just a thought. ---
**Author:** ![Leifsmama](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a698b9/32.png) [@Leifsmama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leifsmama)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974/52 "2003-05-09T18:01:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by sperfur \* > \*\*Oh boy, this is a tough one. I grew up in a similar situation - Dad was an alcoholic and Mom stayed at home. It really screwed both my sister and I up. I’m still screwed up. 🙂 > > Please, please, please get to an Al-anon meeting. If not for you, for your kids. They deserve better. I wouldn’t dare say that if I didn’t speak from experience. Their concept of an adult relationship will be based on the relationship they learned at home from you. > > I hope things get better. \*\* Oh, **sperfur** , I want to go. You’re not the first person to mention this to me. I haven’t gotten there yet. I had a friend who’d been before and we were going to go together. So, I told my husband about it. At first he said OK, but then after an hour of thinking about it he came back and forbid me to go. It started this enourmous fight. He’s afraid that I’ll try to change him, which is something I promised I’d never do, not to mention that it’s just not possible to change anyone. They have to change themselves. I know that I still need to go. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974/53 "2003-05-09T18:01:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Hello Again \* > \*\*Coupla things: > > 1. Take-home pay of ~$1000/mo is approx $35K salary, not $24K as intimated earlier. Taxes, people. > . \*\* I don’t have a tax table in front of me but I can’t imagine that a 35,000 income supporting three people is going to be subject to 11,000 in taxes. See [http://taxes.yahoo.com/rates.html](http://taxes.yahoo.com/rates.html). For head of household filing the tax rate is 15% up to $ 37,450. ---
**Author:** ![mipiace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb9ed0/32.png) [@mipiace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mipiace)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974/54 "2003-05-09T18:04:16Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Leifsmama \* > \*\*We’re not a well off family. My husband brings home $997 every 15 days and four of us have to live off his salary. Eight days ago I paid the rent and informed my spouse that we had roughly $250 to live on. He screamed at me. What have _I_ done with his money? The only thing _I_ have spent money on in years is groceries. No new shoes, no new clothes, no facials, no pedicures, not even new glasses. The glasses I’m wearing right now I’ve been wearing for 6 years and they are very sad. > > So, what does he do? In the last eight days he has spent $120 on I don’t know what. He’s taken it all out of the ATM. He may have bought some gas with it, but the rest he’s spent on alcohol and cigarettes. Not realizing this, I bought groceries. We’re now overdrafted. Damn it! Why can’t he just live within our means? > > Now I know some of you are thinking why don’t I go out and get a job. We have one car (that’s all we can afford to license and insure) and he’s got it from 6:30 am to 7 pm five or more days a week, and not even the same days every week. Not to mention that my wage earing potential isn’t much more than it would cost to put the two kids in day care. I’d be earning $100-$200 dollars a month more than day care. > > God I hate money! I hate not having enough of it. I hate having to keep track of it. I hate that it’s the most fought over topic in my house. I fucking hate it. > > Actually, I could live like this if it didn’t bother Leifsdad so much. I don’t mind not having new furnature, not haveing the latest fasions, not haveing two cars, not haveing a house. None of that bothers me except for the fact that it drives my husband up a wall. Everytime any of our friends gets something new, he gets depressed. Whenever anyone buys a house, he’s completely incapable of being happy for their good fortune. All he see is our failure to be able to buy things. It’s driving me fucking nuts! \*\* Sorry it sucks, back when I was married I heard things like “why don’t you clean UNDER THE DRYER!” and you have “let yourself go” I woirked out evryday and weighed about 130 at 5’7"…idiot. I thoght he’d lost his damned mind. I am not suggesting you get divorced, but maybe you could sit down together and do a budget. I put all mine in Quicken and it’s really easy to see where all of your money goes, they even have graphs…hope it gets better. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974/55 "2003-05-09T18:18:25Z")
Tell your significant other that Al-Anon has nothing to do with changing him, and everything to do with you changing yourself so you can be happier regardless of what he’s doing. Then go to Al-Anon. Or go without telling him. Just go. QtM, MD ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974/56 "2003-05-09T18:26:14Z")
Well, **astro** with deductions for Federal withholding, state withholding, Medicare, Social Security, medical ins, dental ins, and a small 401k deduction ($70), I take home $972 every 2 weeks on 36K. And I only pay for for my own medical/dental coverage much less 3 dependents. I’m just saying. ---
**Author:** ![Bill\_H](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a5b964/32.png) [@Bill\_H](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bill_H)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974/57 "2003-05-09T18:32:05Z")
**Leifsmama** wrote > [@](#): > > He’s afraid that I’ll try to change (his drinking habits), which is something I promised I’d never do, not to mention that it’s just not possible to change anyone. They have to change themselves. Unfortunately, that’s the wrong attitude. If he has a serious problem that’s impacting not just him, but his family’s well-being as well, it’s imperative that you **do** try to change him. Yes, it’s true that change has to come from the inside, but that doesn’t mean you give up trying to help him see what he’s doing. Are there others he trusts that you can talk to and have them talk to him as well? Also, are there hopes that **his** income can be increased? Opportunities for him to advance in his field? Is there training or education he could do now that can make things better in time? Are there other fields he could move into that he has (or could get) expertise in? I suspect that everything here is circular. He’s probably not happy that his family isn’t better off, and that leads to further drinking and escapism. Think about a plan to make things better, even if it takes several years to implement. ---
**Author:** ![Leifsmama](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a698b9/32.png) [@Leifsmama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leifsmama)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974/58 "2003-05-09T18:59:15Z")
I’ve decided that we’re going to the the thing where you write down everything you spend money on down to the penny (who was it that suggested that?) He doesn’t have a good concept of how a dollar here and a couple of dollars there add up to a couple of hundred at the end of the month. **Bill H.** , Have you ever tried to change someone? I watched my parents do it for years. It drives that person away from you. It makes them angry and bitter, and causes them to stop trusting you. Not a good way to help anyone, let alone a spouse. \*\* And if you’re going to quote, you’d better let it be known when you added something to a quote. Putting the addition in parenthesis isn’t enough.\*\* I love my husband. He’s horribly bad with money, he drinks too much and can’t stop. BUT, he loves me and for the most part treats me with respect. He doing the best he knows how to provide for us, though he can’t see that it’s enough if we do it right. He’s been poor all his life and has a tendancy to see the grass as greener on the other side of the fence. This isn’t something I think will go away if our household income were to become $70,000 a year. There’d always be something we couldn’t afford and he’d feel poor and insuffecient. I wonder if it’s something with the alcohol that he can’t seem to feel secure in his providership. Then he spends money I’ve told him we don’t have. His mother goes shopping when she’s depressed. ---
**Author:** ![Leifsmama](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a698b9/32.png) [@Leifsmama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leifsmama)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974/59 "2003-05-09T19:04:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Eve \* > \*\*How about making cakes _at_ a restaurant? If they’re agreeable, that would be flexible hours, and they’d supply the ingredients. \*\* I’ve been looking for something like this, except that it has to be parttime, so I can sleep a bit and not be too craby with the kidos. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2003, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974/60 "2003-05-09T19:07:59Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Leifsmama \* > \*\*Oh, **sperfur** , I want to go. You’re not the first person to mention this to me. I haven’t gotten there yet. I had a friend who’d been before and we were going to go together. So, I told my husband about it. At first he said OK, but then after an hour of thinking about it he came back and forbid me to go. It started this enourmous fight. He’s afraid that I’ll try to change him, which is something I promised I’d never do, not to mention that it’s just not possible to change anyone. They have to change themselves. I know that I still need to go. \*\* How can he “forbid” you to go? You’re not a child! Personally, I think he NEEDS to change. He’s an alcoholic, and of course, he’ll always be one. However, he needs to stop drinking if he’s an alcoholic. Period. Stage an intervention, whatever. Tell him that you love him, that you care about him-and that is why you are doing this. Put your foot down on this one. Two hundred dollars a month on booze? Especially in the situation you’re in-that’s way too much. I’m not being nasty, but you’re NOT helping him by enabling him to do this. Be firm, be strong-do it for him, for your kid, and for yourself. Alcoholism runs in my family. I have a great aunt who is a counselor now for Al-Anon and AA. Another aunt, my dad’s sister, my godmother and my favorite aunt DIED of alcoholism. She was only 39, and it really wrecked our family. My grandmother will never get over it. The irony is that my aunt was just starting to get sober when she died. That was probably the most painful thing that ever happened to me, in our family, and I wouldn’t want to see anyone else have to go through that. I am going to be extremely blunt: if he does not stop drinking, if you let this continue, it will destroy you and your family. What do you want your child to think? > [@](#): > > I love my husband. He’s horribly bad with money, he drinks too much and can’t stop. BUT, he loves me and for the most part treats me with respect. “Forbidding” someone to go to a counseling session is not respect. Drinking away your money, the money you need, is not respect. Look, you have my utmost sympathy here. But something’s got to give. _HUGS_ Hang in there. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell-is-wrong-with-my-husband/173974.md?page=4)