# What in the hell . . . **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 20, 2002, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832 "2002-09-20T16:34:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2002, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832/61 "2002-09-24T18:12:19Z")
OK, 10 minute time-out. Contestants to neutral corners. Livestock to the corral. Check all buttons and zippers. The Refreshment Committee will be coming around with juice and crackers. Remember to use your napkins. And when the whistle blows, take three steps to the left, one step forward, pause for a seven-count, then resume. Referees will be standing by with mashed potatoes. ---
**Author:** ![tiggeril](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tiggeril/32/7234_2.png) [@tiggeril](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiggeril)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2002, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832/62 "2002-09-24T19:12:11Z")
You’ve been molesting my penguins again, haven’t you?! ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2002, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832/63 "2002-09-24T20:21:22Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by tiggeril \* > You’ve been_\* molesting my penguins\*\* again, haven’t you?! I say! Is that an American euphemism? (If not, it should be!) ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2002, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832/64 "2002-09-25T00:37:41Z")
Molesting your own penguin is clearly in violation of Statute #3.5(a)(1), Section 4.529081. Everyone pass their penguin to the player on their right and then you can molest _that_ penguin. At the end of the round the person with the most spoons get the crunchy peanut butter enema. Ready…Go! And thanks to **FCM** for the refreshments. “Mmm-hmmm, I likes me them pertaters, mmmm-hmmm.” ---
**Author:** ![Skeezix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/839c29/32.png) [@Skeezix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skeezix)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2002, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832/65 "2002-09-25T03:54:22Z")
[The Far Side] And then, at that critical moment, Skeezix realized he had come to the seminar **without his penguin**. [/The Far Side] Mmm. Taters. Awww, hell. We’re _still_ out of cream cheese? I need to take a seventh frame stretch. Anyone want anything while I’m out? [sub]And which one a you yay-hoos hid 11th base?[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2002, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832/66 "2002-09-25T04:39:18Z")
Oops, sorry. Forgot to tell you 11th base was sent in for repairs. You’ll have to go to the corner of S. 38th and Okitentagroblomix Street and touch it with out any of the employees seeing you. While you’re out I need the following things: A football helmet filled with cottage cheese, naked pictures of Bea Arthur (pre-Golden Girls of course), a life size rubber Godzilla suit, and Bill Gates’ first dollar he ever earned. Here’s another brownie, try not to get it in your hair this time. Thanks a bunch. And fer g0d’s sake, WATCH OUT FOR THE CLOWNS! ---
**Author:** ![Skeezix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/839c29/32.png) [@Skeezix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skeezix)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2002, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832/67 "2002-09-25T05:09:42Z")
Can’t sleep, the clowns will eat me… **Horseflesh** , no more tabasco uzis for you, man. They make you way too cranky. Oooh, someone tell **tlw** they’re having a sale on horseradish pies at the Costco this week! I got three of 'em, just to be safe. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2002, 11:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832/68 "2002-09-25T11:53:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Skeezix \* > \*\*Can’t sleep, the clowns will eat me… \*\* No clowns. Decepticons! [http://www.supermegatopia.com/tmbgr/gallery/paranoia.shtml](http://www.supermegatopia.com/tmbgr/gallery/paranoia.shtml) 😃 ---
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2002, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832/69 "2002-09-25T12:00:32Z")
_puts on the cerermonial Moosehead and starts up the Rocket_ By the Power invested in me by the Chicago outfit, I now proclaim this thread **GUY STUFF 3** bwahahahahahahahahahahahaha! ---
**Author:** ![Mort\_Furd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Mort\_Furd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mort_Furd)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2002, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832/70 "2002-09-25T15:33:06Z")
::Staggers about in circles, holding his head and searching deperately for the door:: ::Water the cat, put out the fish, mow the carpet, feed the computer, turn off the dog …:: ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!! Help!!! ---
**Author:** ![Pabitel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/bbce88/32.png) [@Pabitel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pabitel)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2002, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832/71 "2002-09-25T16:55:57Z")
Please pay no attention to any of the previous posts as they are the result of disenfranchised youth taking out their frustrations on an unsuspecting public. I would like to take this opportunity to let everyone know what really goes on here. (get your hand off my thigh, Horseflesh!) This, in fact, is the place where good budgies go when they die. Those of us still sane enough to remember our charter, “A dead budgie is a happy budgy”, are trying to salvage the situation here. I won’t go into the breaches in protocol that have been going on lately. It is enough to say that those involved the recent spate of unauthorized badmitten will be severely disciplined once we stop laughing. Anyway. Please remember to put the penguins away in the equipment closet when you are done and don’t forget to hose down the rubber dogs for the next person. I would also like to repeat, due to the ongoing confusion, that parakeets are down the hall to the left. Thank You and please take some mashed patatoes home for the spanial. ---
**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2002, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832/72 "2002-09-25T16:59:35Z")
[No clowns](http://www.buffo.com). ---
**Author:** ![Toaster52](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/50afbb/32.png) [@Toaster52](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Toaster52)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2002, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832/73 "2002-09-25T17:06:34Z")
[Steve Martin voice] "And the most amazing thing to me iiiss… I get paid for doing this." [/Steve Martin voice] ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2002, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832/74 "2002-09-25T19:13:26Z")
Those responsible for the content and quality of **Degrance** ’s post have just been sacked. It will be replaced, at great expense and at the last minute, by the following: 40 penguins trained in lethal martial arts 6 Venezualan penguins 33 cheddar cheese dipped penguins 14 Mexican whooping penguins 75,000 rare Cheshire unemployed penguins 1 lusty m00se * * * Thank you. You may now return to your regularly scheduled thread. _Replaces **Degrance** ’s still beating heart gently back into the chest cavity, Scotch tapes it shut, stitches it with mint flavored dental floss, and fires seven rounds from the nail gun for effect._ There! That oughtta take care o’ that little problem. All better? ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2002, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832/75 "2002-09-25T19:29:21Z")
Checkmate! I got a goal! I think that makes the score 12 to Q to (3+2j). But there was chafing on that third axis when the mashed potatoes were distributed, and I think some on the apes’ side got mashed turnips instead. Yes, it’ll work, but the texture just isn’t the same. The referees haven’t paid any attention to this, and I’ve used the salad tongs as much as I dare. But what _stultulo_ put _thermal_ lubricant on the Rubber Dog? How are we going to get heat buildup now? Jacketing with mashed _anything_ just doesn’t work in this kind of environment. Can’t see who’s up next… ---
**Author:** ![Skeezix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/839c29/32.png) [@Skeezix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skeezix)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2002, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832/76 "2002-09-25T20:36:35Z")
**Sunspace** : That was me, sorry mate. I was trying to divert **Uncle Beer** ’s attention away from the brownies. You know how faithful he is to his sponsors. Back to the field, for me. :: gets to 27th base :: Hey! Who’s gonna clean up after the m00se? I got my hands full here! [sub]And I can barely see where I’m going in this Godzilla costume. Course, that’s the only way I managed to carry the pix of Bea Arthur this far without going blind.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2002, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832/77 "2002-09-26T05:51:44Z")
::releases the Balrogs cleverly hidden beneath trapdoors around 27th base:: Haul ass to the landing zone and you’ve got another point, **Skeezix**! Use those Bea Arthur pics sparingly on the Balrogs, they’re on loan from The Big Eye Guy. Watch out for **Mort Furd** planting the piranha in the rose garden on the way over. ::Slams football helmet on head and twirls around to get a nice cottage cheese shield layer going:: Now that **Sunspace** is done tapdancing, let’s see what kind of culinary talent this m00se has got. Yeah, I’m talkin’ to YOU, antler breath! ::Pointing:: Hey isn’t that Godzilla over there? ::Puts Bullwinkle in a sleeper hold:: Ha-HAAaa! This’ll be good for a first down in the sudden death 11th inning. Erm, can somebody get my mouthwash? I think I’m gonna hafta castle here soon. ---
**Author:** ![Skeezix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/839c29/32.png) [@Skeezix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skeezix)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2002, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832/78 "2002-09-26T06:26:16Z")
[message from reality] Just as I opened this thread tonight, the bloody Balrog rose up and burst into flame. Serves me right for letting THAT movie run as background noise for my web surfing. Honestly made me wonder if you were my neighbor, peeking in the windows, for a minnit. [/message from reality] Aiiee! A Balrog! A Balrog is come! :: runs screaming from the field, scattering nude pictures of Bea Arthur about :: Hey, wait, are the Balrogs on loan, or the pictures? If it’s the latter, **he** can bloody well get ‘em back hisself. I ain’t messin’ with no Schroedinger monsters, wings/no wings/it’s only a metaphor/oh grow up, it’s only a book… Where was I? Ah yes, bonus point! Which’d make the score 91 1/2 to Qwerty to A5. Time for the croquet mallet! ---
**Author:** ![Horseflesh](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horseflesh/32/7502_2.png) [@Horseflesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horseflesh)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2002, 7:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832/79 "2002-09-26T07:38:23Z")
Actually I’m in a helicopter a 1000 feet away and I’ve got you sighted on…my…heat scope… Never mind, that’s not true. Forget I said that. What’s really bizarre is that I tried to post that last one at 5:15 pm right when the boards went screwy (good thing I cut and pasted into Notepad) and I _knew_ you were gonna be watching that movie. ::Runs around to the other side of the house and peeks in **Skeezix** ’s computer room window:: Whoa! What’s with the Dorothy outfit and half dozen rabid munchkins? ::Snaps several Polaroids for future blackmail use:: Back to the game. If I can just pull this lollipop out…of…the… m00se. Uuurrrnnnhhhhh. Got it! Yay! Point for me! The score is now Blue to SQR(-1) to Snork. ::Sets up hamster ball for **Skeezer** ’s extra point:: Okay, all ya gotta do is knock this into yon missile silo and that’ll tie us all up. ::Anvil falls out of the sky and lands nicely on **UncleBeer** :: Ooh, time for the halftime show! Places everyone! [aside] Ya know, Calvin would be so proud of us right now if he were still alive. _Sniff_ [/aside] ---
**Author:** ![Hamlet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hamlet/32/2818_2.png) [@Hamlet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hamlet)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2002, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832/80 "2002-09-26T17:11:47Z")
::Lights go out, covering the scene in Darkness:: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!! YOUR ATTENTION PLEASE. TY-D-BOWL, PROUD SPONSOR OF THE FIRST ANNUAL **UNCLEBEER** GAMES IS PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE YOUR HALFTIME SHOW!!! FOR THE FIRST TIME ANYWHERE FOUR OF THE GREATEST MUSICIANS OF ALL TIME, ON ONE STAGE!! PAUL MCCARTNEY, QZ93KCO#sub[/sub]REX OF EPSILON 5, PUDDING, AND A MOOSE WITH HEMORROIDS!!! ::the crowd goes wild:: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-in-the-hell/128832.md?page=5)