# What is a reasonable number (of sexual partners)? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 4, 2022, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083 "2022-08-04T12:06:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![kenobi\_65](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kenobi_65/32/13178_2.png) [@kenobi\_65](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kenobi_65)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2022, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/41 "2022-08-04T21:46:30Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > If you limit the question to heterosexual pairings, the math dictates that the average has to be about the same for men as it is for women. Average, yes. **Median** , no. What it suggests to me, assuming that the numbers in the CDC study were reported accurately by the participants, is that having a relatively large number of sexual partners over the the course of one’s life is more common for men than it is for women. In the cite I gave, by the time that Americans are in their early 40s, over half (53%) of women have had no more than 4 different partners, while almost 2/3 of men (63%) have had 5 or more different partners. > [@Akaj](#): > > The CDC data doesn’t appear to make any distinction between hetero and gay respondents, while other data reported in the article found gay men to have 2.5X the number of partners as lesbians. That could account for the difference in the CDC report. Good point; I’m not sure that that would account for _all_ of the difference, but it would make sense that it’s a contributing factor. ---
**Author:** ![Esprise\_Me](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprise_me/32/2947_2.png) [@Esprise\_Me](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprise_Me)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2022, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/42 "2022-08-04T21:58:47Z")
The number itself is pretty meaningless. The reasons a person chooses to have sex or not at any particular opportunity can say a lot about them, but you have to have a real conversation to suss that out. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2022, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/43 "2022-08-04T22:49:25Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > Average, yes. **Median** , no. And median is absolutely the right way to think about issues like this. To take an extreme example: If almost all women have a single partner, and a few (perhaps sex workers) have thousands, the mean might be several partners per women. But the median is 1. And that’s the number most women will be comparing themselves to, as well, to the extent they think about the numbers at all. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2022, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/44 "2022-08-04T23:00:17Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > having a relatively large number of sexual partners over the the course of one’s life is more common for men than it is for women. > > In the cite I gave, by the time that Americans are in their early 40s, over half (53%) of women have had no more than 4 different partners, while almost 2/3 of men (63%) have had 5 or more different partners. And it seems weird to consider a difference of 1 or 2 in the median values as making the higher value “relatively large”. I mean, sure, arithmetically speaking 5 and 6 are indeed larger numbers than 4, but when considered in light of the feasible range, they seem like “about the same number” in informal terms. I guess really we’d need to see the standard deviations as well as the median values on these variables to understand them better. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2022, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/45 "2022-08-04T23:04:30Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > I guess really we’d need to see the standard deviations Are there any truly standard deviations? I was just counting unique partners. ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2022, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/46 "2022-08-04T23:08:40Z")
Time for a poll. ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2022, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/47 "2022-08-04T23:09:50Z")
Better make it anonymous – ---
**Author:** ![Akaj](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/akaj/32/145_2.png) [@Akaj](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Akaj)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2022, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/48 "2022-08-04T23:17:40Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Are there any truly standard deviations? Are we still talking about sex? 😜 ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2022, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/49 "2022-08-05T03:43:55Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > The George Carlin Equation! > > Anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. Don’t remember where I heard this: A “slut” is a woman who has sex with everybody but you. (And no, this doesn’t reflect my opinion.) ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2022, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/50 "2022-08-05T03:50:35Z")
Huh, I thought it was “A ‘slut’ is a woman who will have sex with somebody who isn’t you.” Not “with everybody who isn’t you”, which ISTM suggests significantly less pushback against commonly understood definitions of “slut”. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2022, 8:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/51 "2022-08-05T08:23:19Z")
> [@TreacherousCretin](#): > > > [@kenobi\_65](#): > > > > The George Carlin Equation! > > > > Anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. > > Don’t remember where I heard this: > A “slut” is a woman who has sex with everybody but you. > > (And no, this doesn’t reflect my opinion.) When I was in college, there were a couple of girls I had sex with who qualified as “sluts” (aa woman who has many casual sexual partners), i.e. one of them had a well-earned reputation for blowing guys and the other had sex with like five guys in my fraternity. So technically I think that qualifies. Now the real question is should such behavior be treated as “offensive” (slut, after all, is a derogatory term). Probably not. Although I don’t suppose that would make either of them “girlfriend” material. ---
**Author:** ![EDOK9Trainer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/838e76/32.png) [@EDOK9Trainer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EDOK9Trainer)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2022, 8:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/52 "2022-08-05T08:45:02Z")
Guess I am the “weirdo” here but that is okay with me. Met my wife back in the 70’s in high school and while we, meaning she, did not rush into sex she has been my one and only sexual partner. Married in 83 and while the frequency is of course lower as we age it most certainly has not disappeared. Boring sexual life? I guess it depends on how you look at things. I knew I never had to worry about who I could hook up with on my weekends when I was off. I have always known. ---
**Author:** ![DPRK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4491bb/32.png) [@DPRK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DPRK)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2022, 8:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/53 "2022-08-05T08:49:45Z")
You are wondering if calling someone a ‘slut’ may offend? ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2022, 8:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/54 "2022-08-05T08:50:26Z")
> [@kenobi\_65](#): > > > [@Akaj](#): > > > > How do we know it’s not the same woman having sex with all the different men? Couldn’t you theoretically have 100 men with one partner each and one woman with 100 partners? > > In fact, the actual numbers support the idea that men, overall, report having had more sexual partners than women do. > > The link below cites a CDC study, which reported that men ages 25-44 report having had a median number of 6.1 partners, while women report having had a median of 4.2 partners. > > The “median” is the number at which half of the population is reporting a number above that, and half is reporting a number below that. It’s a more meaningful measure than mean/average in this sort of case, because no one’s score can be below zero, but a minority of respondents with very high numbers pull the average score up disproportionately. > > (Also, those medians don’t include people who have had zero sexual partners.) > > In the study details, which are broken down by age group, by the time we get to the oldest group in the study (40-44 year olds), 39% of the men report having had 10 or more sexual partners over their lifetimes, while only half as many women (19%) report having had 10+ partners. > > I would suspect that that study was blind/anonymous, but it may also be that some men are over-reporting their number of partners, while some women are under-reporting. It may also be that there is not a universal agreement on what does, or does not, qualify as a “sexual partner” (see discussion earlier in this thread). > > [Average Number Of Sexual Partners For Women & Men: What's Normal? | mindbodygreen](https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-ideal-number-of-sexual-partners-for-men-women) It would be more interesting IMHO to see a sort of histogram, That would be more reflective of diverse sexual lifestyles. You have INCELS (and I suppose non-involuntary celibates) with zero. Maybe a lucky (or unlucky) few who meet the love of their life and that’s it (one). I would expect that most Americans follow a typical pattern of maybe a couple different long partners in high school and college, until they get married in their mid 20s. (3 to 5) That number might get bumped up to 10 to 20 or more if they had a particularly “wild period” in high school or college or an extended period of singleness their 20s or something. I think as you get to numbers like 30, 50, 100 or more you start getting into different, somewhat atypical lifestyles: - People who don’t want to settle down and would prefer to just have as much sex as possible - Or who do want to settle down but can’t or won’t maintain a relationship for more than a few weeks More than that, I think you are starting to get into celebrity territory or people who make sex a disproportionate (perhaps unhealthy) part of their life. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2022, 8:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/55 "2022-08-05T08:54:53Z")
> [@DPRK](#): > > You are wondering if calling someone a ‘slut’ may offend? No, I’m wondering why we still use offensive terms to describe a woman with lots of sexual partners. I mean I can guess why. I’m saying we probably shouldn’t. ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2022, 11:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/56 "2022-08-05T11:14:52Z")
Back to the actual question in the OP - I would say a reasonable number of sexual partners is completely dependent on your own personal value system. Nothing more, nothing less. Some people consider even a moderate number to be “slutty”. Some people will say that is “slut shaming” and that is a bad thing, that these people are instead “sex positive”. Both are valid, for a particular individual’s value system. So, your definition of “reasonable” is different than mine, and should be. I would also say that the mathematical discussions need to include the “Bill Gates/Jeff Bezos” effect that we see when we talk about wealth. Namely that any discussion of mean or average can be skewed by outliers. Saying that the “average” for high school males is 3 sexual partners could mean there are ~10,000 virgins, and ~10 “players” (bad example, but you get the picture). ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2022, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/57 "2022-08-05T12:35:26Z")
That’s why median is a better number than mean. When Bill Gates walks into a bar, and a random person walks out, the median income either stays the same or increases slightly. (Depending on whether the one who walked out had an income above or below the median.) ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2022, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/58 "2022-08-05T13:11:32Z")
And the risk in THAT discussion is that the “average” (in the colloquial sense) person does not have a strong grasp on the statistical definitions and distinctions between Average vs. Mean vs. Median. So when the OP quotes Averages, the man on the street doesn’t dig into the numbers and definitions. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2022, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/59 "2022-08-05T13:53:56Z")
But most organizations that do research understand the distinction, and in fact, most published estimates of the “number” are medians. ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2022, 2:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/60 "2022-08-05T14:00:24Z")
Indeed, but once it filters down to journalists, and click-bait videos that the OP watches, that distinction gets lost. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083.md?page=4)