# What is a reasonable number (of sexual partners)? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 4, 2022, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083 "2022-08-04T12:06:23Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2022, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/81 "2022-08-11T01:24:46Z")
> [@octopus](#): > > Is it though? There are public health concerns with regards to sexual activity. It’s not like there are zero negative externalities with promiscuity. […] The spread of monkeypox suggests folks aren’t being responsible during a pandemic. But wouldn’t getting and/or spreading monkeypox count as “interfering with the normal functioning of your life”? Acsenray already said that that would be a reason to be more restrained about one’s partner count. Again, the OP appears to be talking about total number of sex partners over one’s lifetime. If one is behaving responsibly in situations like (personal or public) health crises etc., I agree with Acsenray that there’s no intrinsic virtue in putting any arbitrary bound on that number. Nor is a smaller number automatically better than a larger one, nor vice versa. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2022, 2:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/82 "2022-08-11T02:28:40Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > I’m confused. Is this over a lifetime or the most at a time during your lifetime? I would give the same answer to both questions. ---
**Author:** ![Ruken](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f475e1/32.png) [@Ruken](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ruken)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2022, 11:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/83 "2022-08-11T11:22:00Z")
As long as you and your friends aren’t violating fire code, I say you’re good. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2022, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/84 "2022-08-11T13:34:20Z")
But…then you can’t be her first. Penetrating recesses she herself didn’t know existed, didn’t understand until you masterfully revealed them. Casting every man thereafter in her life as a comparative loser. You will become a force of nature fulfilling her naive maiden dreams. Exalted in her life-long memory. A god. (Reality: one of her big brother’s friends who cornered her when she was 12, remembered mainly for his hangnail when he fingered her). ---
**Author:** ![DPRK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/4491bb/32.png) [@DPRK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DPRK)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2022, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/85 "2022-08-11T13:43:06Z")
> [@pjd](#): > > n+1 42‌‌‌ ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2022, 2:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/86 "2022-08-11T14:43:25Z")
Moderating: > [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > But…then you can’t be her first. Penetrating recesses she herself didn’t know existed, didn’t understand until you masterfully revealed them. Casting every man thereafter in her life as a comparative loser. You will become a force of nature fulfilling her naive maiden dreams. Exalted in her life-long memory. A god. > > (Reality: one of her big brother’s friends who cornered her when she was 12, remembered mainly for his hangnail when he fingered her). Um … This really doesn’t belong in this thread. Maybe you wanted the “softcore porn gone wrong” thread? ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2022, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/87 "2022-08-12T00:16:04Z")
IAN Slithy\_Tove and cannot speak for her but I read that post as a sarcastic mocking of classic sexist “purity”-type objections to “permissive” viewpoints, like Acsenray’s remarks about how it’s fine to have whatever number of sexual partners you want. Not gonna argue with a mod if the ruling is that the tone of the post was inappropriate even in the context of sarcastic mocking, though. ---
**Author:** ![aceplace57](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aceplace57/32/3500_2.png) [@aceplace57](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aceplace57)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2022, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/88 "2022-08-12T00:41:38Z")
I think divorce plays a big part in tbe number of partners. Your suddenly single and perhaps approaching middle age. I can easily see someone dating and having casual sex. At least until they find someone special and remarry. I’ve never divorced. I had a few college girlfriends and got married soon after school. Based on the OP I’m average. ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2022, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/89 "2022-08-12T01:02:56Z")
I didnt start til I was 23. Ive had 11 and I am ashamed, because most were, I have to have sex with this guy or he wont be my boyfriend, and I am interested in him. But they didnt deserve me, and I shouldnt have let myself be used. There wont be a number 12. ---
**Author:** ![Moonrise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moonrise/32/14764_2.png) [@Moonrise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonrise)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2022, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/90 "2022-08-12T16:23:26Z")
> [@SuntanLotion](#): > > Ive had 11 and I am ashamed, because **most** were, I have to have sex with this guy or he wont be my boyfriend, and I am interested in him… I’m sorry to read that. However, I take your use of “most” (bolding mine) to mean that at least 1 or 2 were good guys. So, there may be a number 12, and he may be a keeper. ---
**Author:** ![JaneDoe42](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/janedoe42/32/14104_2.png) [@JaneDoe42](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JaneDoe42)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2022, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/91 "2022-08-12T18:17:05Z")
I guess I’m an outlier, then. Back in my late 20’s and early 30’s I had no guilt about enjoying sex. I felt no shame in having multiple partners and I still don’t. I’d put the number of casual relationships at over a hundred, mostly men. Then AIDS happened and sex got scarier. One night stands didn’t seem to be much fun anymore, so I thought I should probably settle down. So, over a hundred sexual partners in 15 or so years and one sexual partner in 35 years. For me, that seems to be a quite reasonable number. ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2022, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/92 "2022-08-12T19:04:15Z")
Well, my husband. He thought I was worth marrying. ---
**Author:** ![Moonrise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moonrise/32/14764_2.png) [@Moonrise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonrise)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2022, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/93 "2022-08-12T19:36:25Z")
That’s good then. I found your post was a bit depressing. ---
**Author:** ![SuntanLotion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suntanlotion/32/16165_2.png) [@SuntanLotion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SuntanLotion)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2022, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/94 "2022-08-12T19:45:45Z")
Sorry. I now have more self esteem and a man will have ro prove himself. I would not judge anyone. What someone does before dating me is not my concern. ---
**Author:** ![Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slow_moving_vehicle/32/291_2.png) [@Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slow_Moving_Vehicle)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2022, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/95 "2022-08-12T20:02:01Z")
> [@Robot\_Arm](#): > > > [@Akaj](#): > > > > How do we know it’s not the same woman having sex with all the different men? Couldn’t you theoretically have 100 men with one partner each and one woman with 100 partners? > > 1 woman having sex with 100 different men makes for 100 distinct couplings. Divide the number of couplings by the number of women (or men) and you get the average number of partners. In doreen’s example, the average (or mean, if you prefer) is 1 for both the men and the women. Dopers, man, I swear. Someone asks a perfectly reasonable question about sex, and it quickly devolves into a discussion of statistics. Get your minds in the gutter, people! ---
**Author:** ![EDOK9Trainer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/838e76/32.png) [@EDOK9Trainer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EDOK9Trainer)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2022, 10:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/96 "2022-08-13T10:03:21Z")
I read some of the responses here and count myself lucky. Met my girlfriend when I was in 12th grade and she 11th. That was in 77. We married in 83 after she finished college and are still going strong. Besides normal teen fooling around stuff before we met each other neither one of us had true sexual partners. For me it was not for a lack of trying but my family lived so far out from everything that meeting the girls was very limited. All things said I am glad they worked out the way they did. ---
**Author:** ![actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e79b87/32.png) [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/actualliberalnotoneofthose)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2022, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/97 "2022-08-14T20:39:10Z")
Mine is “too low” for my comfort personally, but I don’t think there’s a reasonable number. I’m sure I’ve turned down more (mostly unintentionally) than the lifetime average for a male. I’ve always had a lot of trouble with this stuff and my self-esteem. When I was around 13-14 there was a Disney movie that played for jokes that the main character (around my age) was a male virgin, and that also came up in medical and school/sports/locker-room conversation. On the show Roseanne there was a plotline around Fred having “only” 3 partners and Jackie averaging about 3 per year (“Since you were around 18?” - “OK, we’ll go with that”). It also always messed with my brain how many people who seemed to have not much going for them managed to do very well in this area, at least by quantity. Later I realized I’m somewhere on the aro-ace spectrums and also a “hetero” male who values emotional bonding and non-sexual touch more than sexual, which is very difficult to obtain without very careful navigation of sexual territory. ---
**Author:** ![Wolf333](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolf333/32/3460_2.png) [@Wolf333](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wolf333)\ **Post date:** [August 14, 2022, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083/98 "2022-08-14T20:57:00Z")
Just wait for one of those HUGE MATTRESS sales. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-a-reasonable-number-of-sexual-partners/969083.md?page=4)