# What is it feel like, to be unattractive? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 8, 2015, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive/724541 "2015-07-08T01:53:42Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![LinusK](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@LinusK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LinusK)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2015, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive/724541/1 "2015-07-08T01:53:42Z")
Originally I was going to ask, “What is it feel like to be a woman, and be unattractive?” But then I thought, you know, there’s no reason to limit it to women. The reason for the thread is I came across some really interesting posts on another board. One of the threads has 208 replies, so I don’t expect anybody to read it, but I thought I’d throw out some excerpts, both in the hope that it will stimulate replies, and, well, just because they were interesting. The first excerpts come from [this thread](https://www.quora.com/Attraction-interpersonal/What-does-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive-and-desired-by-none): “What does it feel like to be an unattractive woman? I know this [thread] exists… But there are hardly any women weighing in… I’d like to hear some [women’s] thoughts about this.” > [@](#): > > It feels like you’re invisible. > [@](#): > > People are simply nicer to attractive women. If you go out with a cute friend you can see this painfully clearly. This isn’t to say that people are mean to unattractive women; they aren’t. It’s more like you’re invisible. > [@](#): > > You don’t get hit on, you don’t get people asking for your number, you don’t get people buying you drinks, you don’t get much attention of any kind really. > [@](#): > > 1. > > ``` > I developed that positive, sturdy, enduring “character” of which my father always spoke so fondly (and which seemed so elusive in my middle school years). I treasure this character today! > > ``` > > 2. > > ``` > My favorite escape – reading – became a life-long passion and benefit. > > ``` > > 3. > > ``` > I never had to wonder if someone liked my ideas, my work, or my company because of my looks. > > ``` > > 4. > > ``` > I developed a fierce compassion for others’ suffering at the hands/mouths/brains of the unenlightened, igniting my desire to educate others about injustice. > > ``` > [@](#): > > I have permission to say friendly things to male strangers and they never misjudge me or assume that I am flirting with them, because it’s obvious to them that I’m not. It’s almost a form of privilege. There are certain social perquisites associated with being very beautiful; I guess it’s only fair that there are certain social perquisites associated with being NOT beautiful. > [@](#): > > I can tell you that naturally occurring beauty has its advantages for women. During my most youthful adulthood, I think I was given opportunities, attention, and the benefit of the doubt more often than less attractive peers. > [@](#): > > Here are my thoughts: being unattractive (and especially being older and unattractive and wearing a wedding band) is really liberating in some ways, because I am extroverted by nature, and I enjoy talking to strangers - in line at the grocery store, waiting for a bus or train, you name it. I was on jury duty recently and in the jury room I got into a jovial conversation with the guy sitting next to me. I have permission to say friendly things to male strangers and they never misjudge me or assume that I am flirting with them, because it’s obvious to them that I’m not. It’s almost a form of privilege. There are certain social perquisites associated with being very beautiful; I guess it’s only fair that there are certain social perquisites associated with being NOT beautiful. > [@](#): > > \*n the workplace good-looking women have a certain kind of power over their male colleagues… > [@](#): > > It feels very “unfair”. > > 1. It is very difficult to make a first impression. People will not be able to appreciate your personality (no matter how appealing it is )the first time they set their eyes on you. So you have to be mentally prepared to accept when others do not take the effort to strike a conversation with you when there are better looking people around. > > 2.You constantly have to prove your worth. People will expect you to justify their trust on you. > > 1. You will always invite a few sniggers and exaggerated understanding nods if you proclaim that you are interested in fashion and other similar stuff. > > 2. The chances of getting hit on by a attractive male is very remote. There is lot of time and work involved in impressing your crush with your fine literary tastes , amazing culinary skills or likewise. > [@](#): > > Certain kinds of jobs, you can’t get, even if you’re skilled… And…if your husband stops having relations with you for any reason at all, you take it VERY personally Well, that turned out to be longer than I thought. AND I had to do a lot of culling. I’ll get to the other thread later, if there’s interest. Anyway, what are your thoughts? Is being attractive an advantage? Are there any advantages to being unattractive? ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Nylock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/77aa72/32.png) [@Mr.Nylock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Nylock)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2015, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive/724541/2 "2015-07-08T01:57:37Z")
I would love to meet more people like the unattractive woman who did jury duty - people like that are a rare find. ---
**Author:** ![Roderick\_Femm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/roderick_femm/32/14875_2.png) [@Roderick\_Femm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roderick_Femm)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2015, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive/724541/3 "2015-07-08T03:00:37Z")
In my opinion, being very attractive can be a burden; on the other hand, being better-looking than average is probably a good thing overall. I consider myself to be not attractive. Some think this is the kiss of death for a gay man, but not so. I have had compliments on my singing, my ass, my eyes, and various other physical attributes; I once had a guy, more than slightly drunk, who came up to me in a bar and said something like “I shouldn’t be interested in you but I am and I don’t know why.” Simultaneously flattering and not. So although I have very occasionally had the fantasy of being that hot guy with whom everyone wants to have sex, I am also sure that it would get old very fast. Yes, life has advantages for the good-looking, but there are compensations. Like one of the women said, I never have to worry if people are listening to me talk because they are held spellbound by my looks. I have other compensating features (being male, being tallish, being intelligent) for which I can claim little or no credit, but that have given me unearned advantages. Finally, I have the potential of surpassing some of those lookers as I grow old healthily and gracefully and they don’t. ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2015, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive/724541/4 "2015-07-08T03:44:45Z")
As a member of the brotherhood of ugly men, it hurts…but it hurts a lot less when you’re an adult than it does when you’re a teenager. Ugly teenagers suffer the furies of hell. Ugly grown-up men just shrug and get on with their lives. Also, the double-standard kicks in, big-time. Our society makes it a lot worse for ugly women, both young and old. I, at least, can go to the beach and not get too much hell, but a woman, about as ugly as I am, will get nasty comments, offered without any shame at all, the whole goddamn day long. Still, I’d a damn sight rather be ugly in the flesh than that kind of ugly in spirit. Mean people suck a lot worse than ugly people. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2015, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive/724541/5 "2015-07-08T04:57:17Z")
Another of the Brotherhood of the Non-Gorgeous here. I agree: non-gorgeous teenagerhood can be hell. But later there is a certain liberation. I never truly learned to be in a long-term relationship because I have never had one. I have had a few relationships that lasted three or four months, so I guess I was lucky in that sense. But I have had space and time to deal with my own struggles, and make my own art, and choose my own path. Hmm. That came out more positive than I expected. I was going to go on about what it’s like to be invisible to people, and how it feels to be permanently far behind in the social race, and all that, but now I’m thinking of the positives. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2015, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive/724541/6 "2015-07-08T05:11:21Z")
And I’m thinking of an incident that happened a few years ago. My trainer and I were at the gym, standing between the machines and discussing our next move. Suddenly, a gorgeous woman whom we previously hadn’t noticed walked between us. _Both_ of our brains seemingly shorted out, and we forgot what we were talking about. After around fifteen seconds of stunned silence, we both shook our heads and said, “What were we talking about again?” Now, we can make all sorts of jokes about ‘hard-wiring’, but I’m thinking about the effects of this on the woman. What does it do to someone to have this kind of thing happen around them on a regular basis? Most of the possibilities seem… not good. ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2015, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive/724541/7 "2015-07-08T05:20:29Z")
**Sunspace** : Agreement with both of your points: in time, and with maturity, being unattractive can actually be liberating… And people (especially women) who are absolutely gorgeous do suffer some from it. When I was in high school, there was the one beauty queen, absolutely sensational, and… She suffered hell for it. Huge jealousy from other girls, constant drooling lust from the guys. (I learned to masturbate fantasizing about her. Think how goddamn demeaning that is to someone!) The travails of the lovely are less ghastly than the travails of the ugly, but no one who stands out from the average in any way is going to be completely happy with it. (Maybe really strong guys. I don’t know of any drawbacks to being a boy, in school, and being very, very strong. I guess they get pressured to be on the football team…but when they are on the team, they usually do a great job as linemen. And they suffer slightly less from bullying. At least it makes the bullies gang up.) ---
**Author:** ![Onomatopoeia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/onomatopoeia/32/4145_2.png) [@Onomatopoeia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Onomatopoeia)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2015, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive/724541/8 "2015-07-08T05:23:46Z")
Of course there are advantages to being attractive. Life is, generally, better for attractive people all other things being equal. Any attractive person who says otherwise is either lying or delusional. This goes for taller people over shorter people as well, again, all other thing being equal. I am considered handsome, always have been. When I look back on my life, I see many instances where things were easier, or even effortless, for me than my less attractive peers. I never had to look for women to date for example, in fact I have never asked a woman out in my life and have never had a shortage of partners. My wife even chatted me up and later proposed to _me_ (which I have recounted in a number of threads on these boards). The only job I ever interviewed for in my life was as a McDonald’s cashier when I was a teenager, and that was just a formality, and I knew it at the time. In my early 20s I was given a managerial position in Macy’s Herald Square with absolutely no prior management experience. I was recruited by and worked for Goldman-Sachs during my graduate program. 30 years later and I own and manage a scientific agency. In fact, the only area that has been problematic for me is air travel, and that only since commercial flights resumed after 9/11/2001 as, because of my complexion, I tend to get mistaken for Middle-Eastern, which has caused delays in making flights from time to time after being pulled out of the queue and a few times caused me to miss the flight altogether as the TSA losers took their sweet time rifling through my luggage…and my pants. Other than that, my life has been pretty much a pleasurable roller-coaster ride. ---
**Author:** ![Mijin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mijin/32/9369_2.png) [@Mijin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mijin)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2015, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive/724541/9 "2015-07-08T05:35:22Z")
I think I’m pretty well qualified to answer the poll, as in my late teens early 20s I was very popular and did regular modelling work. Now…the best someone would say is unremarkable. And yeah, I’d go back in a heartbeat. There’s not really a downside for a good-looking guy (the situation might be little different for an attractive woman). In my case, I relied on my looks a lot and didn’t think I _needed_ to be interesting, or improve my social skills. But that was just a flaw in my personality, not some inherent flaw of being good-looking. Not all (or even most) good-looking people make that mistake. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2015, 11:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive/724541/10 "2015-07-08T11:19:06Z")
> [@Onomatopoeia](#): > > Of course there are advantages to being attractive. Life is, generally, better for attractive people all other things being equal. Any attractive person who says otherwise is either lying or delusional. This goes for taller people over shorter people as well, again, all other thing being equal. Didn’t we just have a thread with tall women indicating they were targets of bullying and had limited dating choices? That sounds distinctly not better. Or did you forget that women are people too? ---
**Author:** ![HandsomeGorilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ed655f/32.png) [@HandsomeGorilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HandsomeGorilla)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2015, 11:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive/724541/11 "2015-07-08T11:38:53Z")
> [@Mijin](#): > > I think I’m pretty well qualified to answer the poll, as in my late teens early 20s I was very popular and did regular modelling work. Now…the best someone would say is unremarkable. > > And yeah, I’d go back in a heartbeat. There’s not really a downside for a good-looking guy (the situation might be little different for an attractive woman). > > In my case, I relied on my looks a lot and didn’t think I _needed_ to be interesting, or improve my social skills. But that was just a flaw in my personality, not some inherent flaw of being good-looking. Not all (or even most) good-looking people make that mistake. Deleted. ---
**Author:** ![HandsomeGorilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ed655f/32.png) [@HandsomeGorilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HandsomeGorilla)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2015, 11:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive/724541/12 "2015-07-08T11:40:58Z")
> [@Onomatopoeia](#): > > Of course there are advantages to being attractive. Life is, generally, better for attractive people all other things being equal. Any attractive person who says otherwise is either lying or delusional. This goes for taller people over shorter people as well, again, all other thing being equal. > > I am considered handsome, always have been. When I look back on my life, I see many instances where things were easier, or even effortless, for me than my less attractive peers. I never had to look for women to date for example, in fact I have never asked a woman out in my life and have never had a shortage of partners. My wife even chatted me up and later proposed to _me_ (which I have recounted in a number of threads on these boards). The only job I ever interviewed for in my life was as a McDonald’s cashier when I was a teenager, and that was just a formality, and I knew it at the time. In my early 20s I was given a managerial position in Macy’s Herald Square with absolutely no prior management experience. I was recruited by and worked for Goldman-Sachs during my graduate program. 30 years later and I own and manage a scientific agency. > > In fact, the only area that has been problematic for me is air travel, and that only since commercial flights resumed after 9/11/2001 as, because of my complexion, I tend to get mistaken for Middle-Eastern, which has caused delays in making flights from time to time after being pulled out of the queue and a few times caused me to miss the flight altogether as the TSA losers took their sweet time rifling through my luggage…and my pants. > > Other than that, my life has been pretty much a pleasurable roller-coaster ride. Could you PM me your pic? I want to see what you mean when you say you’re attractive. ---
**Author:** ![Simplicio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c37758/32.png) [@Simplicio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simplicio)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2015, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive/724541/13 "2015-07-08T11:56:54Z")
> [@Mijin](#): > > I think I’m pretty well qualified to answer the poll, as in my late teens early 20s I was very popular and did regular modelling work. Now…the best someone would say is unremarkable. Yea, I never really thought it made much of a difference for men, until I hit around 30 and put on some weight. While I wasn’t hideous or anything, it definitely caused a step down in the looks dept., and I was surprised that it also caused a difference in how people treated me. Fewer people would strike up converstations, it was harder to get people to do minor favours, that sort of thing. I lost the weight and the status-quo more or less returned, so that would seem to rule out it just being an effect of my getting older or other changes. Certainly isn’t as large an issue as woman face regarding their looks, but it was enough of a difference that even someone whose relatively stupid when it comes to social queues and the like was aware of it. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2015, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive/724541/14 "2015-07-08T12:20:44Z")
I was pondering this just the other day, actually. There’s a certain freedom to never having to worry about losing your looks. I see so many women around my age (42) fretting about wrinkles, weight gain, etc. Because I’ve never been beautiful, I’ve never built my self esteem around that beauty. So now as I’m aging, my self esteem is unaffected by the changes happening to my body. ---
**Author:** ![Onomatopoeia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/onomatopoeia/32/4145_2.png) [@Onomatopoeia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Onomatopoeia)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2015, 12:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive/724541/15 "2015-07-08T12:29:28Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > Didn’t we just have a thread with tall women indicating they were targets of bullying and had limited dating choices? That sounds distinctly not better. Or did you forget that women are people too? Your snark aside, there is plenty of data available backing the claim that taller people, women included, have a better time of it, generally, than shorter people. Taller people are noticed more and usually noticed first (anecdotal - cite pending). Taller people are taken more seriously and generally given more of a benefit of a doubt than shorter people (anecdotal - cite pending). Taller people [make](http://www.livescience.com/5552-taller-people-earn-money.html) [more](https://ideas.repec.org/p/iza/izadps/dp4266.html) [money](http://economics.sas.upenn.edu/~apostlew/paper/pdf/short.pdf). [Taller people’s risk of coronary artery disease (CAD)](http://www.nejm.org/doi/full/10.1056/NEJMoa1404881) [and other common maladies](http://jech.bmj.com/content/54/2/97.full) is generally lower than for shorter folks. Of course there is an upper limit in height beyond which certain benefits end. For example, I contend that a woman who is 5’8" has an easier time finding relationship suitors than a woman who is, say, 6’2". Extreme height also presents additional health risks average height people don’t generally experience. ---
**Author:** ![Onomatopoeia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/onomatopoeia/32/4145_2.png) [@Onomatopoeia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Onomatopoeia)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2015, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive/724541/16 "2015-07-08T12:34:40Z")
> [@HandsomeGorilla](#): > > Could you PM me your pic? I want to see what you mean when you say you’re attractive. Yeah, why not. I will shoot one over later. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2015, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive/724541/17 "2015-07-08T13:59:35Z")
There is no doubt that I’d want to beautiful. I have only ever made it as far as “cute”. I know beautiful women have their own problems, but who wouldn’t want to be beautiful? But, since I am not, I have learned to compensate for it in other ways. And yes, I am more accepting of growing older, and growing older gracefully. Looks don’t remain, so I am always critical of people who insist their SO be beautiful or gorgeous. That is not going to last, people! Still, the people who get the most attention are not just gorgeous - they are gorgeous, with a nice personality, too. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2015, 2:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive/724541/18 "2015-07-08T14:16:54Z")
> [@LinusK](#): > > Anyway, what are your thoughts? I’m wondering if this is a trick question. > [@LinusK](#): > > Is being attractive an advantage? Yes. They’ve done studies. > [@LinusK](#): > > Are there any advantages to being unattractive? You have much more time for reading and other quiet hobbies. ---
**Author:** ![HandsomeGorilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ed655f/32.png) [@HandsomeGorilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HandsomeGorilla)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2015, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive/724541/19 "2015-07-08T14:52:12Z")
> [@Onomatopoeia](#): > > Yeah, why not. I will shoot one over later. Thanks! ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [July 8, 2015, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive/724541/20 "2015-07-08T14:55:03Z")
Hey, I think we all want to see! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-feel-like-to-be-unattractive/724541.md?page=2)