# What is it with women and gay men? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 15, 2010, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513 "2010-05-15T04:35:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/41 "2010-05-15T22:14:04Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > I have no sympathy for women who constantly fear being raped. In my experience, they are the ones that act like shitty people. They may say they don’t treat every guy as a rapist until proven otherwise, but that must mean they generally treat people rather shittily. How do you account for women who _have_ been raped, and constantly fear getting raped again? Do you have any sympathy for them? ---
**Author:** ![Illuminatiprimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/illuminatiprimus/32/11520_2.png) [@Illuminatiprimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Illuminatiprimus)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/42 "2010-05-15T22:52:19Z")
> [@NinetyWt](#): > > Who in this thread is saying that they \*\*constantly \*\*think of the worst possible thing that can happen to them? > [@rhubarbarin](#): > > While being sexually assualted by an acquaintance is a **constant and reasonable concern for most women** (and it has in fact happened to many of my female friends), I’m not a worrier, and don’t assume most straight men I know will be inappropriate, preoposition me, or rape me - most are decent people who have good boundaries. I’d like to make clear as a gay guy that I don’t feel personally maligned by the notion that straight men are all potential rapists, even if it is pretty insulting, there does seem to be some very selective reading going on in this thread if you can’t see why some of us are taking offence. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/43 "2010-05-15T23:17:52Z")
To lighten things up a bit - [The Bloodhound Gang - I Wish I Was Queer So I Could Get Chicks](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qv5OqExn7PI). 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![NinetyWt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/cc9497/32.png) [@NinetyWt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinetyWt)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/44 "2010-05-15T23:21:24Z")
Thank you **IP** , I actually did read right over that without it registering. Sorry about that. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/45 "2010-05-15T23:23:55Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Not really. You aren’t really in a position to weigh in on my question regarding how women think, unfortunately. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/46 "2010-05-15T23:34:22Z")
It seems to be a combination of it being a ‘safe’ friendship, being able to get a male perspective that isn’t even possibly clouded by sexual interest and often shared interests. I rather enjoy it because I’ve always liked the company of straight women. My main friends even in kindergarten were the girls. The funny part is getting the straight boys jealous when girls will run up to me, hug, kiss, sit in my lap or whatnot. That never fails to amuse me. ---
**Author:** ![missred](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/missred/32/14096_2.png) [@missred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missred)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/47 "2010-05-16T00:01:32Z")
From the perspective of a straight woman of a certain age, I agree with **gang green** and will add that in my case, I tend to have more in common with a gay man with no kids than some of my friends who have current childcare obligations, male or female. Neither of our worlds revolve around soccer practice, ballet rehearsals or the mac and cheese we’re fixing for supper. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/48 "2010-05-16T00:10:01Z")
Are they really guaranteed to be more non-competitive than a female friend? Did Truman Capote never ever go to bed with any of his swans’ husbands? ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/49 "2010-05-16T00:17:35Z")
Am I going to be the first to comment on the appropriateness of the question being posed by someone with a username that combines “Michael” and “Mouse” ? ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/50 "2010-05-16T02:33:48Z")
Expounding upon the “straight men are rapist” misunderstanding, it’s not rape women are worried about. From what I’ve heard from several female friends is that often, sometimes even straight guys they’ve known and been friends with for years platonically will misread a signal or they’ll suddenly go from “just friends” to “drunk dialers” (though I’ve known women who drunk dial as well) when they break up with their girlfriend or wife and it’s very awkward. More awkward is when the woman _does_ sleep with the straight male friend but doesn’t want a relationship- essentially it loses her the friendship because it has to be back burnered. (Gore Vidal once said “You can become friends with somebody you’ve had sex with but never have sex with a friend” and in my experience, personal and by observation, it’s good advice.) With a gay man the odds of a misread signal or an “I’m lonely/you’re lonely/let’s be lonely together for a night” bad idea moment are reduced to near non-existence. I won’t say it never happens, because gay men can under the right circumstances and with the right amount of alcohol and atmosphere be attracted to a woman for an evening- but it’s rare and the odds are way way way lower than with a straight guy and the odds of it happening twice if they remain friends are even more negligible. ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/51 "2010-05-16T02:51:24Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > More awkward is when the woman _does_ sleep with the straight male friend but doesn’t want a relationship- Ah hah . . . it occurs to me now that probably the “safety” offered by a gay guy has to do in part with the woman not having to worry about not trusting _herself_. > [@](#): > > With a gay man the odds of a misread signal or an “I’m lonely/you’re lonely/let’s be lonely together for a night” bad idea moment are reduced to near non-existence. I won’t say it never happens, because gay men can under the right circumstances and with the right amount of alcohol and atmosphere be attracted to a woman for an evening- but it’s rare and the odds are way way way lower than with a straight guy and the odds of it happening twice if they remain friends are even more negligible. Once again y’all are painting it as a matter of all about the big bad male and what are _his_ intentions, but there are two parties involved in those disasterous drunken booty calls, you know. Is it so much the worry over being offered the proposition . . . or more the risk that once it’s offered, you’ll say “yes”? ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 3:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/52 "2010-05-16T03:05:27Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > More awkward is when the woman _does_ sleep with the straight male friend but doesn’t want a relationship- essentially it loses her the friendship because it has to be back burnered. English isn’t my first language. What do you mean by “back burnered”? ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/53 "2010-05-16T03:12:35Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > English isn’t my first language. What do you mean by “back burnered”? That if the friendship turns sexual, the actual friendship part becomes secondary. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/54 "2010-05-16T05:16:16Z")
> [@](#): > > Although, some of the responses in this thread make me think that maybe certain Doper women need to be checked for an anxiety disorder. If you go through life constantly thinking of the worst possible thing that can happen to you, then you are catastrophizing. This means you have a problem. And if a woman DOESN’T take proper precautions in her everyday life, and gets raped, she’ll be considered at least partly to blame for it. We’re not supposed to let strangers handle our food and drink (other than servers). We’re not supposed to dress provocatively. We’re not supposed to go into the parking lot without our keys in our hands. We’re not supposed to walk alone in the dark. Etc., etc. Like they say, it’s not paranoia if someone really IS out to get you. Even a paranoid (and I’m using the term in the layman’s sense of the word) might have some very real enemies. It’s a real problem. Don’t attempt to dismiss it by saying that women who are alert to the dangers of rape are mentally ill. ---
**Author:** ![Shakester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shakester/32/437_2.png) [@Shakester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shakester)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/55 "2010-05-16T07:03:22Z")
I’m a straight male, and one of my closest friends is a gay female. If you have things in common and compatible personalities, things like sexual orientation don’t matter at all. Not to me, anyway. Interestingly, we go out together regularly, and people treat us as if we were a couple (rather than as two individuals, like they would if I was with another male) despite the fact that my friend looks (to me) pretty obviously gay. And dresses in a fairly dykey way, too. So, either a lot of people are completely clueless, or maybe they think I haven’t noticed a fairly important fact about my tomboy “girlfriend” yet. It’s kind of funny, either way. It shouldn’t need to be said, but just to be sure: I have no interest in trying to “convert” her or to get any kind of sexual benefit out of the friendship. Assuming all guys are only ever interested in women for sex is, well, highly offensive, which is why there are so many highly offended guys posting in this thread. Women, if you want to fight sexism, don’t be sexist towards guys. We’re not all the same any more than you are. Nobody likes being stereotyped. ---
**Author:** ![Illuminatiprimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/illuminatiprimus/32/11520_2.png) [@Illuminatiprimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Illuminatiprimus)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 11:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/56 "2010-05-16T11:08:40Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > I won’t say it never happens, because gay men can under the right circumstances and with the right amount of alcohol and atmosphere be attracted to a woman for an evening- but it’s rare and the odds are way way way lower than with a straight guy and the odds of it happening twice if they remain friends are even more negligible. Do you have any evidence for this? I know you’re gay as well but I can’t imagine any amount of chemical substances would make me start craving vagina. ---
**Author:** ![Oy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bc8723/32.png) [@Oy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oy)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 1:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/57 "2010-05-16T13:36:33Z")
My guess is that just about every possible unlikely sexual act has happened occasionally under the “what the hell?” influence of alcohol. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/58 "2010-05-16T15:11:24Z")
> [@Illuminatiprimus](#): > > Do you have any evidence for this? I know you’re gay as well but I can’t imagine any amount of chemical substances would make me start craving vagina. Just anecdotal. It’s not about the vagina but about the contact and the intimacy and the need and opportunity for another warm human body available and willing right then and there. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/59 "2010-05-16T16:33:14Z")
Question for the gay male respondents to this thread: is it an actual occurrence in your lives to have female aquantances adopt an approach that’s essentially: _"About all I know of you is that you’re gay, so hey, let’s be bestests friends, starting right now!_"? ---
**Author:** ![DigitalC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ebca7d/32.png) [@DigitalC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DigitalC)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/60 "2010-05-16T17:00:47Z")
An ex gf told me it was because men just made better friends than women. Made perfect sense to me, her friends were bitches. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513.md?page=4)