# What is it with women and gay men? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 15, 2010, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513 "2010-05-15T04:35:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/61 "2010-05-16T18:24:05Z")
> [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > Question for the gay male respondents to this thread: is it an actual occurrence in your lives to have female aquantances adopt an approach that’s essentially: _"About all I know of you is that you’re gay, so hey, let’s be bestests friends, starting right now!_"? Yes, it has happened to me before. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/62 "2010-05-16T18:33:43Z")
> [@Slithy\_Tove](#): > > Question for the gay male respondents to this thread: is it an actual occurrence in your lives to have female aquantances adopt an approach that’s essentially: _"About all I know of you is that you’re gay, so hey, let’s be bestests friends, starting right now!_"? Acquaintances yes, but not by upper tier friends. My female _friends_ are friends with me on merit only. Probably my closest female friend is the one I’ve referred to as “the Little Big Horn of my Heterosexuality”- I wasn’t out when we met and she made me realize that I wasn’t bisexual or capable of a long term hetero relationship because if I couldn’t get interested in _her_ that way I couldn’t be in any woman. (She’s super attractive, funny, brilliant, we have the same taste in almost everything- the coveting of he-ass unfortunately for our romantic prospects being one of them.) I have been drunkdialed by lower tier female friends- more than once- wanting to Tell the Gay Friend about their romantic problems and suggesting we hook up or even- and I’m serious (and it’s happened more than once) get married. “I doonnnn care thattt you doan fine me sexuallll [hic] desira… good looking, we doan have to screw, just be togeeether…”. In the queeniest voice I can muster, “AWWWWWWWWWWK-WARD!” Any other homos had this experience or something similar? My own Best Gay Friend (BGF)- a former lover who many years later is still the person I call the most/vacation with/use as default escort [in the non rentboy sense] to weddings and the like, and who being better looking than I am and more of a partier has had this experience even more- explained it best when talking to a drunk she-friend: “Look, it’s not that gay guys are _nicer_ than straight guys or any less motivated by sex than straight guys. Take the average straight guy and the average gay guy and there’s no difference in morality or kindness or ethics, you’ve got a lot of gay and straight ‘real shits’ out there and you’ve got some gay and straight real ‘saints’ out there and then most guys, gay or straight, somewhere in between. The difference is that we treat _women_ like straight guys treat their _buddies_- people with whom we can be blunt and crude and coarse and all but not have to worry about sexual tension We treat our boyfriends like straight guys treat their girlfriends and wives and we treat other gay guys like straight guys treat women.” ---
**Author:** ![levdrakon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/49beb7/32.png) [@levdrakon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/levdrakon)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/63 "2010-05-16T18:42:10Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > I have been drunkdialed by lower tier female friends- more than once- wanting to Tell the Gay Friend about their romantic problems and suggesting we hook up or even- and I’m serious (and it’s happened more than once) get married. “I doonnnn care thattt you doan fine me sexuallll [hic] desira… good looking, we doan have to screw, just be togeeether…”. In the queeniest voice I can muster, “AWWWWWWWWWWK-WARD!” Any other homos had this experience or something similar?" Add to that, “I’m getting old and I want a baby! You’d father my child, wouldn’t you? It’d be total responsibility-free for you!” ---
**Author:** ![Justin\_Bailey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/justin_bailey/32/8792_2.png) [@Justin\_Bailey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Justin_Bailey)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/64 "2010-05-16T19:00:43Z")
> [@levdrakon](#): > > Add to that, “I’m getting old and I want a baby! You’d father my child, wouldn’t you? It’d be total responsibility-free for you!” Wait, you mean that’s not just the plot of a terrible Madonna movie? ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/65 "2010-05-16T19:17:07Z")
> [@levdrakon](#): > > Add to that, “I’m getting old and I want a baby! You’d father my child, wouldn’t you? It’d be total responsibility-free for you!” Three times. No joke. ---
**Author:** ![MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MPB_in_Salt_Lake)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/66 "2010-05-16T19:25:16Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > I wasn’t out when we met and she made me realize that I wasn’t bisexual or capable of a long term hetero relationship because if I couldn’t get interested in _her_ that way I couldn’t be in any woman. (She’s super attractive, funny, brilliant, we have the same taste in almost everything… As someone who has read your posts for years and who tends to agree with most of your opinions, you could always introduce this lonely lady to me—I am sure the three of us would get along just great!!! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/67 "2010-05-16T19:28:45Z")
> [@Oy](#): > > My guess is that just about every possible unlikely sexual act has happened occasionally under the “what the hell?” influence of alcohol. High school. Me, about 16. Him, a total, out, raging queen, about 17. Drinking age: 18. We went to a bar and had a couple of beers (no one ever asked for ID!). Left in his car and parked, if you know what I mean…:eek::eek::eek: Yowza, how did THAT happen??? I must have been one of those warm available bodies mentioned :D. He left right after school to work as a hair stylist, so that was the end of that. I wonder whatever became of him, he was a good friend and certainly advanced my, uh, education. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/68 "2010-05-16T19:32:42Z")
> [@Oy](#): > > My guess is that just about every possible unlikely sexual act has happened occasionally under the “what the hell?” influence of alcohol. Perhaps for some people, but even at my drunkest I can’t imagine having sex with a woman. ---
**Author:** ![yuliya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/f6c823/32.png) [@yuliya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yuliya)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/69 "2010-05-16T20:08:53Z")
> [@salinqmind](#): > > High school. Me, about 16. Him, a total, out, raging queen, about 17. Drinking age: 18. We went to a bar and had a couple of beers (no one ever asked for ID!). Left in his car and parked, if you know what I mean…:eek::eek::eek: Yowza, how did THAT happen??? I must have been one of those warm available bodies mentioned :D. He left right after school to work as a hair stylist, so that was the end of that. I wonder whatever became of him, he was a good friend and certainly advanced my, uh, education. He sounds…not that gay. You sure he wasn’t bi? I love my gay friends because if they tell me I look good, I know they’re not lying to get in my pants. My mom is a total fag hag; pretty much all of her friends are gay men. I think that is because of her career, though—she doesn’t actually go seek out gay guys to be bestest friends with. ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/70 "2010-05-17T01:08:47Z")
Well, he COULD have been bi, or omni-sexual, for all I knew. He presented himself to the world as gay gay gay. (I saw polaroid pics of him and his boyfriend:eek:) Raging hormones were certainly a factor. This was quite a few years ago, we were small town teens , and before teh internets. ---
**Author:** ![MaddyStrut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dbc845/32.png) [@MaddyStrut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MaddyStrut)\ **Post date:** [May 17, 2010, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/71 "2010-05-17T01:29:07Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > Expounding upon the “straight men are rapist” misunderstanding, it’s not rape women are worried about. From what I’ve heard from several female friends is that often, sometimes even straight guys they’ve known and been friends with for years platonically will misread a signal or they’ll suddenly go from “just friends” to “drunk dialers” (though I’ve known women who drunk dial as well) when they break up with their girlfriend or wife and it’s very awkward. More awkward is when the woman _does_ sleep with the straight male friend but doesn’t want a relationship- essentially it loses her the friendship because it has to be back burnered. (Gore Vidal once said “You can become friends with somebody you’ve had sex with but never have sex with a friend” and in my experience, personal and by observation, it’s good advice.) > > With a gay man the odds of a misread signal or an “I’m lonely/you’re lonely/let’s be lonely together for a night” bad idea moment are reduced to near non-existence. I won’t say it never happens, because gay men can under the right circumstances and with the right amount of alcohol and atmosphere be attracted to a woman for an evening- but it’s rare and the odds are way way way lower than with a straight guy and the odds of it happening twice if they remain friends are even more negligible. For me, it’s _sort of_ this. I have wonderful female friends. Would never give them up, ever. My very best friends are other women. But I do like men and male companionship. There’s something about a male friend you don’t get with a female friend. While I have straight male friends, I can’t be quite as relaxed with them as with my gay male friends. There’s a line you have to be careful not to cross or you send signals you don’t intend. There’s an undercurrent of “is one of us attracted to the other or looking for something more”? That kind of thing. ---
**Author:** ![SecondJudith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5ac83/32.png) [@SecondJudith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecondJudith)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2010, 12:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/72 "2010-05-18T12:03:44Z")
… ---
**Author:** ![Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ccd318/32.png) [@Paul\_in\_Qatar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paul_in_Qatar)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2010, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/73 "2010-05-18T14:13:14Z")
What is it about straight men and lesbians? ---
**Author:** ![elmwood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/elmwood/32/3060_2.png) [@elmwood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elmwood)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2010, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/74 "2010-05-18T14:23:30Z")
> [@Paul\_in\_Qatar](#): > > What is it about straight men and lesbians? There’s nothing about straight men and lesbians, even though there should be the same dynamic as with straight women and gay men. No sexual tension (lesbians aren’t interested, and men generally don’t find real-life lesbians attractive), interest in the same things, similar styles of communication, and so on. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [May 18, 2010, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/75 "2010-05-18T14:59:24Z")
> [@elmwood](#): > > There’s nothing about straight men and lesbians, even though there should be the same dynamic as with straight women and gay men. No sexual tension (lesbians aren’t interested, and men generally don’t find real-life lesbians attractive), interest in the same things, similar styles of communication, and so on. Hello, my name is Cellphone and I’m a Dutch Boy (gender inverse of “Fag Hag” or “a boy who hangs around dikes/dykes”). I can assure you there are many, many, many of my sister’s friends that I’ve met over the years and thought, “Hot damn, she’s a goddess!” only to be disappointed to find out they’re totally not into men. :: le sigh :: But anyway, no, one should not expect a similar dynamic between lesbians and straight men. A girl can hang out with a guy and never even think for a second that the guy is anything other than a friend - a 0% romantic interest - , but the guy no matter how much he se’s the girl as a “friend only” may still reserve a 1% “well, I now she doesn’t like me, but if she ever did, then… maybe” feeling for the girl. So my sister’s lesbian friends _still_ would prefer to hang out with gay guys because they are the “best friend guys” who also have the 0% interest and therefore there will never, ever be that awkward conversation in which the guy says, “I know you aren’t at all interested, being a lesbian and all, but I still feel I need to confess that I have a crush on you.” And then the poor guy gets the “I see you as a brother” speech. Seriously, most of my sister’s friends have a story about how their best male friend (straight) ruined a perfectly good friendship by confessing they wish they could be more than friends. Also, IME, lesbians don’t really have any more in common with guys than straight women do. Granted, more of my sister’s gay friends own their own power saws than most straight women I know, but that’s about it. They still like “girl stuff” even if they don’t like girlie versions of girl stuff. Eg/ My sister’s girlfriend loves well designed full-length dresses, but not frilly froo-froo. ---
**Author:** ![raindrop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/74df32/32.png) [@raindrop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raindrop)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2010, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/76 "2010-05-20T03:10:08Z")
> [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > … Seriously, most of my sister’s friends have a story about how their best male friend (straight) ruined a perfectly good friendship by confessing they wish they could be more than friends. I’m a straight woman, and your post reminds me of how my lesbian friends have complained about how many straight men have wanted to have sex with them in order to “convert” them. The way they described it the guy was so cock-sure of himself, and so sure she was only a lesbian because she hadn’t slept with the “right” straight guy. And he wanted to “fix” that for her. Bleh. It seemed lesbians couldn’t just relax and be friends with straight guys for the same reason straight women couldn’t. The straight guys they hung with still couldn’t stop thinking of them as a sex object, but even more so _especially because_ they were lesbian. Irony. > [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > …Also, IME, lesbians don’t really have any more in common with guys than straight women do. Granted, more of my sister’s gay friends own their own power saws than most straight women I know, but that’s about it. They still like “girl stuff” even if they don’t like girlie versions of girl stuff. Eg/ My sister’s girlfriend loves well designed full-length dresses, but not frilly froo-froo. I’ve found this also to be true. Whether they’re butch or the frilly/girly type, lesbians don’t get along with straight guys any more than straight women do, and vice-versa. I personally haven’t been friends with gay guys. It seems I’ve only encountered the competitive catty gay men who wanted to scratch my eyes out and steal my boyfriend. I’ve had a few lesbian friends, but have never been friends with gay men. But I’ve had quite a few platonic friendships with straight guys, probably because I grew up with lots of brothers and can relate to guys… (erm… just p_some_ of them). ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2010, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/77 "2010-05-20T04:09:04Z")
Gee, from reading all this it seems it’s impossible for a straight guy ever to be friends with a woman (gay or straight). All those times I thought I was getting along with my female “friends,” I was actually intimidating them as they wondered from moment to moment whether I was about to put the moves on them (if not rape them). Gosh, I never realized just what a wild animal I am. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2010, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/78 "2010-05-20T04:12:25Z")
> [@Koxinga](#): > > Gee, from reading all this it seems it’s impossible for a straight guy ever to be friends with a woman (gay or straight). All those times I thought I was getting along with my female “friends,” I was actually intimidating them as they wondered whether I was about to put the moves on them (if not rape them). Gosh, I never realized just what a wild animal I am. Koxinga, I realise that some characterisations of female-straight male relations were overly broad but please let’s not turn this into a thread similar to the sexual assault ones. One can believe that something is commonly a problem without thinking that it’s always a problem. ---
**Author:** ![bashere](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/779978/32.png) [@bashere](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bashere)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2010, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/79 "2010-06-13T03:13:02Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > Koxinga, > > I realise that some characterisations of female-straight male relations were overly broad but please let’s not turn this into a thread similar to the sexual assault ones. One can believe that something is commonly a problem without thinking that it’s always a problem. Uh…you know that at least 3 posters got to these before Koxinga, right? ---
**Author:** ![Moonlitherial](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4bbf92/32.png) [@Moonlitherial](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moonlitherial)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2010, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513/80 "2010-06-13T04:01:51Z")
I have friends of both sexes, multiple orientations and I personally have no issue with sexual tension with any of them. There have been in the past but I have found that honesty is an excellent first step and if that doesn’t work brutal honesty is the next one. However, one of the women in our circle has been dealing with an ongoing crush by one of the men that just adds an extra level of stress for her to all the outings. It’s a fairly tightknit group and she doesn’t want him to feel unwelcome but she’s constantly dancing on the line of hurting his feelings vs giving him encouragment. He’s been openly and clearly told that although she values his friendship she harbors no romantic feelings for him but he quite obviously holds out hope that will change at some point in the future. She hasn’t extrapolated that to all men, but I can see why having had that experience she would be wary of new male friends. She’s a nice lady and is trying very hard to not hurt his feelings and force friends to choose, but in the long run I think they’d both be better off if she’d move to brutal honesty. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-it-with-women-and-gay-men/539513.md?page=5)