# What is meant by "a pick-me girl."? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 7, 2024, 12:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230 "2024-02-07T12:15:06Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2024, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230/21 "2024-02-07T16:51:04Z")
I agree that it’s used as a pejorative, but I think using it so simplisticly creates a situation where women, once again, can’t win. Any behavior that involves minimizing one’s femininity for male approval gets dumped in the penumbra of “pick-me”, so now women are damned if they do, damned if they don’t. ---
**Author:** ![planetcory](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/planetcory/32/1032_2.png) [@planetcory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/planetcory)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2024, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230/22 "2024-02-07T17:07:54Z")
Oh, it’s definitely misused a bunch, just like most slang that gets popular. But still the majority of uses I see are within that narrow context. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2024, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230/23 "2024-02-07T17:33:04Z")
Does this have the same connotation as _slutty_ except by different means? IOW, seeking male approval by minimizing femininity and feigning interest in _guy things_ as opposed to maximizing femininity in the sense of advertising sexual attraction and availability? ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2024, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230/24 "2024-02-07T18:00:58Z")
Again, that reduces it to a sex thing. Slutty behavior is hyper sexual, not hyper feminine. Think Elle in Legally Blonde. That’s the sort of hyper-feminine behavior that results in men not taking her seriously. It’s not slutty. ---
**Author:** ![Darren\_Garrison](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/darren_garrison/32/92_2.png) [@Darren\_Garrison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darren_Garrison)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2024, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230/25 "2024-02-07T18:20:57Z")
Sounds pretty much like the already-existing trope “not like other girls”. > **[A Look Into The “Not Like Other Girls” Phenomenon — Gen Z: We Are The Future](https://www.genzwearethefuture.org/articles/all/a-look-into-the-not-like-other-girls-phenomenon)** > > “You’re not like other girls.” It’s a statement meant to be interpreted as a compliment, meaning that one is “different” from the stereotypical girl, who enjoys makeup, pink, and shopping. However, it’s far from being positive; the statement puts... > **[Criminally Cringey Posts From Women Who Are 'Not Like Other Girls'](https://cheezburger.com/15246853/criminally-cringey-posts-from-women-who-are-not-like-other-girls)** > > Get over yourself. > **[Not Like Other Girls - TV Tropes](https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/NotLikeOtherGirls)** > > On the surface, it's nice to hear someone say you're special. It's flattering to the ego to hear that you're better than the competition. That might be why this line is almost only found in young adult and teen stories. Writers may not expect … > **[Not Like Other Girls — How to Avoid This Toxic Trope in Your Writing](https://writingcooperative.com/not-like-other-girls-how-to-avoid-this-toxic-trope-in-your-writing-29025a3d3b06)** > > We can train ourselves to be alert, to question, and to push back ---
**Author:** ![Pleonast](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pleonast/32/1183_2.png) [@Pleonast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pleonast)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2024, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230/26 "2024-02-07T18:38:37Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I agree that it’s used as a pejorative, but I think using it so simplisticly creates a situation where women, once again, can’t win. Any behavior that involves minimizing one’s femininity for male approval gets dumped in the penumbra of “pick-me”, so now women are damned if they do, damned if they don’t. Exactly. The whole point of pejoratives is to demean the target. This one is very effective because it not only demeans the specific target, but also puts all women in a no-win situation. And does a divide-and-conquer approach where some women use it against other women. (The worst sort of misogyny is women deriding other women for being a woman “wrong”.) ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2024, 7:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230/27 "2024-02-07T19:21:41Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > In general, I think this has gotten much better. Maybe, but it’s still very much an issue. I tend towards masculine styles and mannerisms not because I’m trying to fit in with the guys but because it’s my nature. And I’m legitimately uncomfortable in a lot of female-only spaces. My kids say they think I’m a trans man in denial. But i look like a woman and i think of myself as “socially female”. I hear women complain about not being taken seriously by the plumber, or whatever, and _i rarely have that experience_. And when i do, it really ticks me off, in part because it’s always unexpected. So for a while i thought other women were exaggerating. And then i realized, no, they aren’t. “Masculine mannerisms” work. Most of the time, the plumber and the mechanic treat me the way they treat men, and not the way they treat women. And sometimes, especially with a new-to-me person who isn’t familiar with me, but sees what i look like, i get treated like a woman and get annoyed. > [@Kimstu](#): > > Speaking as a middle-aged female professional in STEM with a serious textile-craft addiction, I’d say that yes it’s better, but it’s still quite a ways from fixed. Hmm. My son knits. He even had one if his patterns hit the “top ten” (or whatever they list) on ravelry. But i guess he has a lot of feminine traits… ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2024, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230/28 "2024-02-07T19:31:16Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > Maybe, but it’s still very much an issue. I tend towards masculine styles and mannerisms not because I’m trying to fit in with the guys but because it’s my nature. And I’m legitimately uncomfortable in a lot of female-only spaces. My kids say they think I’m a trans man in denial. But i look like a woman and i think of myself as “socially female”. > > I hear women complain about not being taken seriously by the plumber, or whatever, and _i rarely have that experience_. And when i do, it really ticks me off I am not really sure what even is my nature, and what are mannerisms i adopted specifically so that I wouldn’t be classified as a “girl”. Do i cuss like a sailor because I have an obsession wirh words, and cussing tickles my linguistic pleasure center, or is it because I learned men listen better when I establish Im not one of those snowflakes who get offened by an F bomb? Did i elope because I don’t like parties, or is it because on some level I’ve internalized a level of contempt for brides, the most feminine of roles? ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2024, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230/29 "2024-02-07T19:50:43Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > Again, that reduces it to a sex thing. Slutty behavior is hyper sexual, not hyper feminine. Think Elle in Legally Blonde. That’s the sort of hyper-feminine behavior that results in men not taking her seriously. It’s not slutty. Ok, thanks. This is a new concept to me. So a ‘pick me’ girl is acting like ‘one of the guys’ as opposed to maybe a ‘girly girl’ accentuating being as different as possible from men. I guess both could be considered immature behavior if it’s done just to attract men and doesn’t reflect their genuine personalities. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2024, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230/30 "2024-02-07T23:03:48Z")
In a way, the “pick-me girl” sounds like the feminine version of the “nice guy”. Nice guys say, “I’m not a macho jerk - I’m sensitive, like you!” while pick-me girls say, “I’m not a girly-girl - I’m cool, like you!”; both, of course, are full of shit. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2024, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230/31 "2024-02-07T23:06:08Z")
Also, both are harmful to women. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [February 7, 2024, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230/32 "2024-02-07T23:07:19Z")
I’d say that both are harmful to everyone involved. ---
**Author:** ![MrDibble](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mrdibble/32/114_2.png) [@MrDibble](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrDibble)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2024, 10:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230/33 "2024-02-08T10:10:41Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > But references to textile-related subjects (especially anything fashion-related) will be politely received but never encouraged or pursued. I’m lucky, my office is full of knitters (all genders) - we did blanket squares for charity last year (I managed a grand total of 1 - knitting is not my textile skill. I can tablet-weave, sew and felt, though…). But yeah, fashion-related chat with my male colleagues goes nowhere. I have given up pointing them to Aesthetics Wiki links to explain my _Mori Boy_ or Dark Academia outfits… ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2024, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230/34 "2024-02-08T13:55:47Z")
I don’t think most “pick-me” behavior is artifice. Its not like ypu jave this deep-seated yearning for a pink bag, but you act like you don’t. Its more like, when you are 4 years old and have no particular opinion, and those kids in your preschool who you already know get more attention and respect are like “eeew! Pink!”, you adopt that opinion. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2024, 1:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230/35 "2024-02-08T13:58:27Z")
But we’re not talking about 4-year-olds here, we’re taking about teenagers and adults, with agency. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2024, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230/36 "2024-02-08T14:35:01Z")
Well, yes, but you develop your tastes and preferences really early, and you don’t think of it as hiding your true self. It is your true self. The pick me really does think weddings and pink and media with female protagonists are boring. Overtly sneering at girl things for being girly is conscious behavior, but that’s just part of it. I’m very much non-girly. I have no idea how much of that is a product of rejecting things I associated with being one of the people who got dismissed because of their gender, and adopting traits that I associated with respect from those in power, but I suspect it’s a lot. I’ve spent the last 20 years trying to unpack it, and it’s fucking complicated. The origins of nice guy behavior are likely also very complicated, but they are also very different. The underlying power issue is different. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2024, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230/37 "2024-02-08T15:00:25Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I’m very much non-girly. I have no idea how much of that is a product of rejecting things I associated with being one of the people who got dismissed because of their gender, and adopting traits that I associated with respect from those in power, but I suspect it’s a lot. I’ve spent the last 20 years trying to unpack it, and it’s fucking complicated. Separating the external from internal influences that shape us is tough for everyone. I wish we could all be more comfortable in our skins however we came to have them. After enough time we all have to make choices and follow our preferences as practical matters. IMHO, and IME, you’ll be better off leaving those bags packed. ---
**Author:** ![leahcim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/b4bc9f/32.png) [@leahcim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leahcim)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2024, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230/38 "2024-02-08T17:24:19Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > while pick-me girls say, “I’m not a girly-girl - I’m cool, like you!”; From the examples I’ve seen, I don’t think “not a girly-girl” is quite it. I think it’s closer to “I’m not demanding – you don’t need to change at all to be with me because I like all the stuff you like”. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2024, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230/39 "2024-02-08T17:33:21Z")
I’m not a woman, but this seems to be, as someone else pointed out, an attempt at enforcing conformity. Either be girly, or else you’re a pick-me. Another no-win situation. You’re bad if you’re girly, and you’re bad if you’re not. Even if you are **not** , in fact, a pick-me, but rather, simply an un-girly girl who likes being un-girly. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [February 8, 2024, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230/40 "2024-02-08T17:45:50Z")
> [@leahcim](#): > > “I’m not demanding – you don’t need to change at all to be with me because I like all the stuff you like”. That also sounds a lot like a “nice guy”. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-meant-by-a-pick-me-girl/997230.md?page=3)