# What is my obligation to my friend whose ex-wife cheated on him? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 8, 2011, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033 "2011-10-08T22:18:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2011, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/21 "2011-10-09T15:26:36Z")
Frankly I’m not even sure why the night-manager felt he had to tell you. You certainly don’t have to tell your friend. If anything, your obligation is to be a good friend and not tell him something that is only going to cause him pain. ---
**Author:** ![Boyo\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Boyo\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boyo_Jim)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2011, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/22 "2011-10-09T15:39:39Z")
> [@Bear\_Nenno](#): > > Because they are not yet divorced. According to the OP, they are still married. Proof of infidelity could be useful ammo during the settlement. > > Not saying he should say anything, but I think people are missing the point of the question. You are correct. I was misled by the title saying ex-wife. She is not his ex-wife, she is his wife, and they are still in process of settling issues like custody and visitation. I’ve changed my mind. You need to tell your friend immediately. It is simply not possible to make telling him conditional on whether she tries to change the divorce terms at the last minute, as you may not hear about the changes until after the last minute. ---
**Author:** ![Prelude\_to\_Fascination](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a183cd/32.png) [@Prelude\_to\_Fascination](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Prelude_to_Fascination)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2011, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/23 "2011-10-09T15:53:31Z")
The divorce will soon be final (“rapidly moving towards finalizing the divorce”), and Bob is well aware of his wife’s indiscretions (“he is well past the denial stage”). I say leave it alone. The OP’s concerns about the wife putting the kibosh on the agreements are well-founded from a friend’s POV, but IMO, that should be something Bob should talk to his lawyer about, and make sure the lawyer handles it. After all, Bob’s aware of the wife’s relationships. I’m sure the lawyer could find out about the men’s room blowjob if necessary, and use it as ammo during the proceedings. So again, I see no reason for the OP to tell Bob about the men’s room tryst. ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2011, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/24 "2011-10-09T16:01:20Z")
Do not tell him. There is no reason to so do. For decades now, infidelity will have NO bearing on the terms of the divorce. If she was blowing her bf in front of the kids he might have a case for changing the parenting agreement. A bathroom bj when the kids were not present will not make a bit of difference. ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2011, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/25 "2011-10-09T17:59:18Z")
Unless the kids were in the bathroom with her while she was blowing the guy, who cares? They are in an unhappy marriage and are ending it. What was your motivation for tattling to Bob that his soon to be ex wife was in with a pool team? To upset him? To rub his nose in his failed marriage? What is your motivation for wanting to humiliate him with the hummer story? Keep your mouth shut and move on like Bob has done. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2011, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/26 "2011-10-09T18:21:56Z")
> [@candide](#): > > \ > Bob had his usual two beers before going home to make dinner for the kids (11 and 18 by the way). When shift-change arrived and the night manager came in he told me the story that is the point of the post. The night manager is quite a bit younger than me or Bob, and told me in confidence that one of the security staff had caught Bob’s ex in the men’s room giving her guy a blow job. He’d thrown them out.\ So at the point Bob would be told, it would be fourth-hand gossip, which is not exactly God’s honest truth. I find myself wondering why the night manager felt the need to tell the OP - it sounds purely like gossiping to me. ---
**Author:** ![BMalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@BMalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BMalion)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2011, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/27 "2011-10-09T19:00:21Z")
Unlike her, keep your mouth shut. ---
**Author:** ![Bridget\_Burke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@Bridget\_Burke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bridget_Burke)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2011, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/28 "2011-10-09T19:52:57Z")
Gosh, grown men gossiping like old biddies. The divorce settlement is underway; it sounds like dad has the kids–who were waiting at home while he drank his beer. The guys need to talk about sports or some guy stuff instead of spreading rumors that might or might not be true. We don’t know her side of the story; maybe she’s just a bit giddy to realize that there are still some sexually responsive men out there… ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 2011, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/29 "2011-10-09T20:01:07Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > So at the point Bob would be told, it would be fourth-hand gossip, which is not exactly God’s honest truth. I find myself wondering why the night manager felt the need to tell the OP - it sounds purely like gossiping to me. I realize this might sound like I’m saying gossiping is bad; if you like gossiping, knock yourselves out, but I think the OP needs to differentiate between gossip and useful information. ---
**Author:** ![candide](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/46a35a/32.png) [@candide](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/candide)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 7:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/30 "2011-10-18T07:06:10Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I realize this might sound like I’m saying gossiping is bad; if you like gossiping, knock yourselves out, but I think the OP needs to differentiate between gossip and useful information. The divorce happened on Friday. And I was with you, I was with you all. Because today, I realized I wasn’t gossiping, I was a source of information. ---
**Author:** ![candide](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/46a35a/32.png) [@candide](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/candide)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/31 "2011-10-18T07:35:20Z")
I didn’t get back on this thread because I was pissed at some of you. I twisted my knee, too. That took me out for a week. Some of you thought that I shouldn’t be in Bob’s business. Here’s what I didn’t tell you: It’s my bar. Someone sucking cock in my Men’s room is disrespectful to me. I kept my mouth shut as many suggested. Bob has been by many times. Usually he comes by on Fridays, but any day of the week, he may show up. Last week, Bob showed up and told me that the divorce would happen on Friday. It did. I know it because Bob showed up today to celebrate. “Check your email,” he told me, “You’ve got to see what my kids gave me.” There in my email were two pictures of a card Bob’s kids had given him on Saturday, the day after his divorce was final. The first picture said, “Congratulations on your Divorce! We always hated her.” The second said, “That’s all.” ---
**Author:** ![candide](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/46a35a/32.png) [@candide](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/candide)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/32 "2011-10-18T07:39:47Z")
So I told Bob today about his wife sucking cock in the basement. You want to hear about it, I will tell you how and why. I won’t delay. Tell me what you think, though. I feel guilty. Dirty, too. ---
**Author:** ![Bridget\_Burke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@Bridget\_Burke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bridget_Burke)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/33 "2011-10-18T12:33:16Z")
> [@candide](#): > > So I told Bob today about his wife sucking cock in the basement. You want to hear about it, I will tell you how and why. I won’t delay. Tell me what you think, though. > > I feel guilty. Dirty, too. Were you more aroused by what happened or by sharing that information with your “friend”? (Sounds like it’s a fine establishment that you own.) ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/34 "2011-10-18T12:46:18Z")
> [@candide](#): > > The only reason I might tell him is if she tried to put the kibosh on the agreements relating to the kids, the house, the cars, his pension at the last minute before the divorce goes through. And yet it apparently was not. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/35 "2011-10-18T13:07:12Z")
> [@Bridget\_Burke](#): > > Were you more aroused by what happened or by sharing that information with your “friend”? > > (Sounds like it’s a fine establishment that you own.) You seem pretty determined that all the men in the story should feel bad but cut the woman some slack. After all, perhaps she was “giddy” that someone was willing to accept a blowjob - because obviously the ex-hubby was a cold fish or something. **candide** , I don’t think you needed to tell the guy but I understand it’s hard to keep something like that under your hat. I hope that the wife is barred for life after a stunt like that in your bar. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/36 "2011-10-18T14:11:55Z")
> [@candide](#): > > So I told Bob today about his wife sucking cock in the basement. You want to hear about it, I will tell you how and why. I won’t delay. Tell me what you think, though. > > I feel guilty. Dirty, too. I need to know why you did it before I tell you what I think about it. It’s still not really clear to me what the guy is supposed to do with this information. ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/37 "2011-10-18T14:29:21Z")
> [@candide](#): > > So I told Bob today about his wife sucking cock in the basement. You want to hear about it, I will tell you how and why. I won’t delay. Tell me what you think, though. > > I feel guilty. Dirty, too. Damn you’re pathetic. ---
**Author:** ![not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_what_you_d_expect/32/3246_2.png) [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_what_you_d_expect)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 2:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/38 "2011-10-18T14:33:22Z")
How did he take it? ---
**Author:** ![Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/6bbea6/32.png) [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Living_Well_Is_Best_Revenge)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/39 "2011-10-18T14:41:59Z")
There was absolutely nothing to be gained by telling Bob this story. The only thing it will do is make him feel like shit. He already knew his wife was with other guys. Now he can picture them doing their thing in vivid detail thanks to your big mouth. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/40 "2011-10-18T14:50:29Z")
> [@Living\_Well\_Is\_Best\_Revenge](#): > > Now he can picture them doing their thing in vivid detail thanks to your big mouth. And hers. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033.md?page=3)