# What is my obligation to my friend whose ex-wife cheated on him? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 8, 2011, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033 "2011-10-08T22:18:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Death\_of\_Rats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a6a055/32.png) [@Death\_of\_Rats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Death_of_Rats)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/41 "2011-10-18T15:10:31Z")
On the other hand, at least 5 people knew about this incident. It is not like it was going to remain a big secret. At least Bob heard about it from a firend soon after it happened, rather then the story going around for days or weeks with Bob being the only one who didn’t know. It was not like the Ex or her boytoy had any motivation to spare Bob’s feelings. ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/42 "2011-10-18T15:19:27Z")
Don’t blame the OP. After all, this is the best of all possible threads he could have posted. ---
**Author:** ![Bridget\_Burke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@Bridget\_Burke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bridget_Burke)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 3:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/43 "2011-10-18T15:21:20Z")
> [@Autolycus](#): > > Don’t blame the OP. After all, this is the best of all possible threads he could have posted. I think you stole that idea… ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/44 "2011-10-18T15:54:44Z")
> [@candide](#): > > The next day I was tending bar and Bob came in. I mentioned to him that his wife had been in and told him who she was with. I don’t even see the point of telling him _this_, let alone the other thing. Bob’s ex _is_ an **ex** , right? Knowing who she’s with, where she’s going, and what sexual practices she’s engaging in doesn’t benefit him in any way and only makes him feel bad, right? ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/45 "2011-10-18T16:38:08Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > I don’t even see the point of telling him _this_, let alone the other thing. > > Bob’s ex _is_ an **ex** , right? Knowing who she’s with, where she’s going, and what sexual practices she’s engaging in doesn’t benefit him in any way and only makes him feel bad, right? Who cares how Bob feels? The point is that it both excites and revolts candide. Frankly I’m getting a little tingly just at his retelling. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/46 "2011-10-18T18:16:18Z")
> [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](#): > > How did he take it? That’s what I’d like to know - did he look at you funny, like, “Why are you telling me this?” or was he grateful to know exactly what his ex was up to? I’m not sure if it changes anything that it’s your bar, **candide**. The information is still fourth-hand by the time it got to Bob. I agree that you can bar anyone you want from your bar, and Bob’s ex-wife and new friend are good candidates for that, though, based on their actions. ---
**Author:** ![gwendee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/35a633/32.png) [@gwendee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gwendee)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/47 "2011-10-18T18:26:47Z")
> [@muldoonthief](#): > > And hers. You’re assuming facts not in evidence. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/48 "2011-10-18T18:38:02Z")
> [@Bridget\_Burke](#): > > Gosh, grown men gossiping like old biddies. The divorce settlement is underway; it sounds like dad has the kids–who were waiting at home while he drank his beer. Judging the cuckold…sweet. I’m sure the 11 y.o. was too much for the 18 y.o. to handle. :rolleyes: > [@](#): > > The guys need to talk about sports or some guy stuff instead of spreading rumors that might or might not be true. We don’t know her side of the story; maybe she’s just a bit giddy to realize that there are still some sexually responsive men out there… We couldn’t hear it because her mouth was full…probably some explicit cocktales would have been had. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![miss\_elizabeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/838e76/32.png) [@miss\_elizabeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/miss_elizabeth)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/49 "2011-10-18T18:47:13Z")
> [@candide](#): > > There in my email were two pictures of a card Bob’s kids had given him on Saturday, the day after his divorce was final. The first picture said, “Congratulations on your Divorce! We always hated her.” > > The second said, “That’s all.” This is just disgusting. You run an awful bar full of awful people. Everyone deserves everything they get. The End ---
**Author:** ![gwendee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/35a633/32.png) [@gwendee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gwendee)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/50 "2011-10-18T19:07:22Z")
> [@candide](#): > > I didn’t get back on this thread because I was pissed at some of you. I twisted my knee, too. That took me out for a week. > > There in my email were two pictures of a card Bob’s kids had given him on Saturday, the day after his divorce was final. The first picture said, “Congratulations on your Divorce! We always hated her.” > > The second said, “That’s all.” Missed this earlier. I weep for these kids. It’s one thing to be sure your parents will be happer apart, and to want that for them, but to essentially publish that you’ve always hated your mother - I mean, I haven’t kept it secret on the boards that my mom is no prize, but I don’t actively HATE her. Yikes. ---
**Author:** ![Yeticus\_Rex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/a698b9/32.png) [@Yeticus\_Rex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeticus_Rex)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/51 "2011-10-18T22:15:46Z")
> [@miss\_elizabeth](#): > > This is just disgusting. You run an awful bar full of awful people. Everyone deserves everything they get. > > The End The kids hatred for mom made the bar awful? Or was it security tossing out two offenders that made the bar awful? Or was it someone who is not sure what to do with information is what made the bar disgusting? Or is it just some unpleasant facts that was brought up in this thread that made the bar awful? How about the infidelity? That’s what’s awful, and also the tip-toeing that other people have to do when the 800lb. gorilla is sitting center table. Cheating on your spouse is disgusting. Not respecting your spouse or kids is disgusting. Doing it with people that your (ex)husband knows of is disgusting. Giving a blow job and getting caught at the same bar that your (ex)husband frequents is disgusting. The End. ---
**Author:** ![not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/not_what_you_d_expect/32/3246_2.png) [@not\_what\_you\_d\_expect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/not_what_you_d_expect)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/52 "2011-10-18T22:24:05Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > That’s what I’d like to know - did he look at you funny, like, “Why are you telling me this?” or was he grateful to know exactly what his ex was up to? > > I’m not sure if it changes anything that it’s your bar, **candide**. The information is still fourth-hand by the time it got to Bob. I agree that you can bar anyone you want from your bar, and Bob’s ex-wife and new friend are good candidates for that, though, based on their actions. I’m hoping to hear that he was not hurt too badly by this news. And curious to know how it made candide feel if it did. ---
**Author:** ![miss\_elizabeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/838e76/32.png) [@miss\_elizabeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/miss_elizabeth)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/53 "2011-10-18T22:33:52Z")
> [@Yeticus\_Rex](#): > > The kids hatred for mom made the bar awful? Or was it security tossing out two offenders that made the bar awful? Or was it someone who is not sure what to do with information is what made the bar disgusting? Or is it just some unpleasant facts that was brought up in this thread that made the bar awful? > > How about the infidelity? That’s what’s awful, and also the tip-toeing that other people have to do when the 800lb. gorilla is sitting center table. > > Cheating on your spouse is disgusting. > Not respecting your spouse or kids is disgusting. > Doing it with people that your (ex)husband knows of is disgusting. > Giving a blow job and getting caught at the same bar that your (ex)husband frequents is disgusting. > > The End. Um, all of it? Seriously, no one in this story comes off looking good to me. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/54 "2011-10-18T23:17:00Z")
> [@gwendee](#): > > Missed this earlier. I weep for these kids. It’s one thing to be sure your parents will be happer apart, and to want that for them, but to essentially publish that you’ve always hated your mother - I mean, I haven’t kept it secret on the boards that my mom is no prize, but I don’t actively HATE her. Yikes. His ex-wife isn’t necessarily the mother of his children (and from the sounds of it, I’d say she isn’t). > [@miss\_elizabeth](#): > > Um, all of it? Seriously, no one in this story comes off looking good to me. Agreed. It’s all very tawdry. ---
**Author:** ![gwendee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/35a633/32.png) [@gwendee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gwendee)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2011, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/55 "2011-10-18T23:30:40Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > His ex-wife isn’t necessarily the mother of his children (and from the sounds of it, I’d say she isn’t). That thought did cross my mind. I reread to find they’d been married 22 years and the kids are 11 and 18. Of course that doesn’t prove anything, but that’s how I drew that conclusion. ---
**Author:** ![Typo\_Negative](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/typo_negative/32/484_2.png) [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/56 "2011-10-19T00:13:17Z")
I wouldn’t have told Bob anything. I may have mentioned it to the EX, as in _'Live your life anyway you want, but can you show some consideration for Bob’s feelings and blow this guy in some other bar_?’ 'Cause that’s all I have a problem with…that she did it where Bob hangs out. ---
**Author:** ![Gukumatz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/74df32/32.png) [@Gukumatz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gukumatz)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/57 "2011-10-19T00:39:48Z")
> [@Enderw24](#): > > Damn you’re pathetic. [Mod Hat] This is IMHO. Insults are neither appropriate nor welcome in this venue. No Warning issued. [/Mod Hat] ---
**Author:** ![candide](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/46a35a/32.png) [@candide](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/candide)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/58 "2011-10-19T03:35:34Z")
> [@Enderw24](#): > > Who cares how Bob feels? The point is that it both excites and revolts candide. Frankly I’m getting a little tingly just at his retelling. **Ender** , I like telling stories, and I like shifting tingliness… Here’s the part of the story I didn’t tell last night.. When Bob showed up he ordered a beer. Then he said, “I met with Tony and we talked about Janice.” “Tony?” I asked. “Yeah, Tony from X-bar. Janice dumped him, too.” (in this story, Janice is the ex, Tony is the guy who was getting the hummer. neither is a real name.) “You went out with Tony?” “Yeah, Janice hammered him the way she hammered me. He even has her car keys and she told him, 'Throw ‘em away, I don’t want to see you anymore.’” The talk we had was a bit longer than that, but that’s the gist. I said, “Bob, I gotta go smoke a cigarette.” Outside I pondered what to do, what to say. I went back in and said: “Bob, you’re a better man than me. I don’t think I would have been as forgiving to Tony.” “He couldn’t help it. Janice targeted him. She knew he was lonely and she targeted him.” I shook my head. Shook my head. “Still, what he did.” “Do you know something?” “I do know something, Bob, but I don’t want to tell you.” “If you know something, I want to know what you know.” “Okay.” That’s when I told Bob that Janice had been caught sucking Tony’s dick in my basement bathroom. I had a customer and served them their beer. Bob took the story well. He’s got the kids and I think that is most important to him. “You know,” he said to me, “she wanted me to do that. She wanted to suck my dick and I wouldn’t do it. And she held it against me.” Now, I understand that I have only one side of this story. But if you want to castigate me for being a friend to my friend, recognize… ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 4:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/59 "2011-10-19T04:20:29Z")
> [@candide](#): > > “You know,” he said to me, “she wanted me to do that. She wanted to suck my dick and I wouldn’t do it. And she held it against me.” Buahahahahahahahahaha ---
**Author:** ![Locrian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/locrian/32/14146_2.png) [@Locrian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Locrian)\ **Post date:** [October 19, 2011, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033/60 "2011-10-19T05:23:34Z")
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. Holy crap. This certainly isn’t a good story, **candide** , but I think you did the right thing. You listened first, then decided. Not like most of MY friends who would be racing to me to tell me “the news.” Seriously, did Bob really say she tried to do that to him and he refused?? I can understand why (bad divorce) but he seems so non-chalant, was he drunk when you told him? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-my-obligation-to-my-friend-whose-ex-wife-cheated-on-him/599033.md?page=4)