# What is the best way for a male to spurn unwanted advances? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 2, 2014, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744 "2014-01-02T22:54:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![brazil84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8491ac/32.png) [@brazil84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brazil84)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 10:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/41 "2014-01-03T10:39:03Z")
> [@LC\_Strawhouse](#): > > If a male in a stable relationship is approached by a “homewrecker” type of woman, what’s the best way to smoothly reject the advances? Just blame your ‘insanely jealous’ wife or girlfriend. So if she asks for your phone number, just say “No way, my wife would kill me” and laugh about it. Even if the advance is nominally platonic, it will still work because you can claim your wife gets jealous even over non-romantic contact with other girls. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 11:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/42 "2014-01-03T11:05:18Z")
“I’m flattered but I really don’t think I want to get involved in a complicated affair. However we could try just one quick one to confirm my feelings. And forget all about it afterwards.” ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/43 "2014-01-03T12:21:49Z")
> [@AK84](#): > > Why do some women find married men attractive.? A guy who cannot get a woman to tell him the time of the day, suddenly has hangers on. Is marriage some feminine seal of approval?😉 I think there’s a cognitive-fallacy-thingy here. When one is single and someone is being friendly and open, the question “are they coming on to me?” is an interesting hypothetical. One tests the hypothesis: they respond in kind, raising the stakes a little. Much of the time, the other person doesn’t really change behavior, because they weren’t flirting and so don’t really register the the behavior as flirtatious. They might deescalate, because they weren’t flirting but think the first person has started flirting. Or they might respond in kind, and something develops. So out of the ten people a person thinks might be coming on to them in a year, only one or two really are, and when you are single you know that. But when a person is in a serious relationship, they never test the hypothetical. It’s flattering to think the person was totally into you. So it seems like people are hitting on you all over the place. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/44 "2014-01-03T13:11:51Z")
> [@brazil84](#): > > Just blame your ‘insanely jealous’ wife or girlfriend. > > So if she asks for your phone number, just say “No way, my wife would kill me” and laugh about it. While this is reasonable in one way, giving a “homewrecker” something like an “insanely jealous wife” to latch on to is a bad idea. Your wife isn’t ‘insanely jealous’ she isn’t going to ‘kill you’, she would just ‘get the wrong idea’ about the _ **completely, utterly, unquestionably platonic relationship** _ you have with the ‘homewrecker’. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/45 "2014-01-03T13:27:44Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > Best way to what unwhatted what? :dubious: Spurn. Fancy word for jizz. /science ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/46 "2014-01-03T13:33:08Z")
> [@chacoguy](#): > > “_I’m flattered, but there is no way I would ever cheat on my partner_.” I’ve had it happen a couple of times and this is similar to what I said, because in a way, I actually was flattered. Lest anyone think I’m bragging, let’s just say neither was any kind of prize, although one did have some money! When I ran back into my wife, the first thing I said was “Hey, guess who wants to sleep with me!” ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/47 "2014-01-03T13:42:58Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > Maybe I’m being paranoid, but I see a risk in this technique - if the flirty woman is sociopathic enough to just want to stir shit into your marriage, and/or cunning/practiced enough at it, she could act in such way as to make you look a bit seedy in front of your wife, make your wife a bit suspicious of you and then position herself as the only person who understands you. I’ve seen it happen. > > This is a better idea, IMO. Safety in numbers. Also, introduce this woman to a single male (or a series of them) who will welcome her attention. I would think that is only likely to happen if your wife doesn’t trust you to start with. I’ve watched women do it with my husband, and as long as he gets into the car with “could you believe her?” I’m fine. About the only time I’ve been threatened by in in 20 years was an old girlfriend, at his brother’s wake when his defenses were down and he was drunk. But then, I trust him at an ordinary office party, and I don’t trust other women. Can anyone make you look seedy to someone who trusts you if you aren’t a seedy person? That would be so out of character for my husband that I think I’d only wind up confused. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/48 "2014-01-03T13:46:45Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > This is a better idea, IMO. Safety in numbers. Also, introduce this woman to a single male (or a series of them) who will welcome her attention. Oh, and she isn’t going to transfer her attentions to a single guy. The type of women who flirts with a married man for the purpose of moving beyond flirting isn’t interested in attentions on a single guy - a single guy comes with complications and without the power. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/49 "2014-01-03T13:55:51Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > I would think that is only likely to happen if your wife doesn’t trust you to start with. I’ve watched women do it with my husband, and as long as he gets into the car with “could you believe her?” I’m fine. About the only time I’ve been threatened by in in 20 years was an old girlfriend, at his brother’s wake when his defenses were down and he was drunk. But then, I trust him at an ordinary office party, and I don’t trust other women. > > Can anyone make you look seedy to someone who trusts you if you aren’t a seedy person? That would be so out of character for my husband that I think I’d only wind up confused. Not everybody’s relationship is perfect, neither is everyone wise and confident. But even if there’s a lot of trust, a cunning assault could still cause unnecessary aggravation. Like I said, I’ve seen things like it happen and cause hurt where none was due. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 2:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/50 "2014-01-03T14:57:23Z")
“Most of the open sores in my mouth have stopped oozing pus. Shall we proceed?” Regards, Shodan Actually what I would do when seriously propositioned is to look confused and babble idiotically, but that works too. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/51 "2014-01-03T15:19:59Z")
It’s interesting how men and women reject sexual advances differently. I was watching a documentary the covered this very thing. In the show, trey did an experiment. They had a handsome guy go up to random women and ask them if they would like to have sex. Most of the women’s knee jerk reaction was to get pissed off at they guy. When they reversed roles and had an attractive woman go up to random dudes and ask the same question, most guys immediate reaction was very apologetic. Almost as if they felt guilty for turning down this strange woman’s advances. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/52 "2014-01-03T15:56:45Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > It’s interesting how men and women reject sexual advances differently. > I was watching a documentary the covered this very thing. In the show, trey did an experiment. They had a handsome guy go up to random women and ask them if they would like to have sex. Most of the women’s knee jerk reaction was to get pissed off at they guy. When they reversed roles and had an attractive woman go up to random dudes and ask the same question, most guys immediate reaction was very apologetic. Almost as if they felt guilty for turning down this strange woman’s advances. That’s because it’s still pretty well entrenched in society that a woman is lessened by a sexual encounter and a man is enriched by it: women “give it up” to men. So a man _asking for sex_ is asking a woman to demean herself; a woman\* offering sex \*is extending a favor at a personal cost. Does everyone feel that way? No. But if a random guy asks me for sex, I am going to think he might be in the “women demean themselves when they give it away” and get angry at him. And if I were a man and a random woman asked for sex, I would think “Well, she might be thinking she is offering a great favor, and will be shamed by my rejection” and would be embarrassed to cause her pain. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Mace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/john_mace/32/185_2.png) [@John\_Mace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Mace)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/53 "2014-01-03T16:16:19Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > It’s interesting how men and women reject sexual advances differently. > I was watching a documentary the covered this very thing. In the show, trey did an experiment. They had a handsome guy go up to random women and ask them if they would like to have sex. Most of the women’s knee jerk reaction was to get pissed off at they guy. When they reversed roles and had an attractive woman go up to random dudes and ask the same question, most guys immediate reaction was very apologetic. Almost as if they felt guilty for turning down this strange woman’s advances. I would have thought most men would have eagerly accepted! ---
**Author:** ![eclectic\_wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac91a4/32.png) [@eclectic\_wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eclectic_wench)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/54 "2014-01-03T16:18:14Z")
> [@brazil84](#): > > Just blame your ‘insanely jealous’ wife or girlfriend. > > So if she asks for your phone number, just say “No way, my wife would kill me” and laugh about it. > > Even if the advance is nominally platonic, it will still work because you can claim your wife gets jealous even over non-romantic contact with other girls. No way in hell would I badmouth my husband to get rid of some guy (or for any other reason). And I wouldn’t be happy if he badmouthed me to get rid of some woman. That’s scummy. The question here is no different from ‘What is the best way for a woman to spurn unwanted advances?’ Politely but firmly, by setting your boundaries and not shifting them for the other person. The answer to ‘Can I have your phone number?’ (assuming you don’t want to give it) is ‘I’m better about checking my emails than my texts. Here’s my work email.’ The answer to ‘We should meet up for coffee’ (again, assuming you don’t think it’s platonic friendliness) is ‘Things are pretty chaotic for me over the next while; I won’t have much free time in the next few months.’ Repeat as necessary. I totally agree with the people saying that there’s flirting for fun and then there’s flirting with intent - but the moment one of the flirters suggests making contact outside of the current situation, that’s flirting with intent. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/55 "2014-01-03T16:43:09Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > I would have thought most men would have eagerly accepted! I’m like 90% sure the takers got edited out of the show. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![LC\_Strawhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e19adc/32.png) [@LC\_Strawhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LC_Strawhouse)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/56 "2014-01-03T16:44:21Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I won’t be one of those people. To me, flirting is flirting. 🙂 Agreed … I’ve OFTEN heard people say something like “I should be able to flirt / go to coffee / have intimate conversations with whoever I want, and if my partner isn’t secure enough for that, then we shouldn’t be together.” But… I just can’t bring myself to do that flirting thing if I have a female partner - it feels really icky. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/57 "2014-01-03T17:06:20Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > I would have thought most men would have eagerly accepted! By now the news has got around, and everyone understands that women only ever act this way in psychology experiments, unless (a) they are barking mad or (b) you are such a horndog that gals are always acting this way around you. So if a hot chick were to ask me to do the nasty completely out of the blue, I would know that there was a zero percent chance this was on the up-and-up, and all I’d be looking to do would be to preserve everyone’s dignity as best I could. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/58 "2014-01-03T17:34:29Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > Not everybody’s relationship is perfect, neither is everyone wise and confident. But even if there’s a lot of trust, a cunning assault could still cause unnecessary aggravation. Like I said, I’ve seen things like it happen and cause hurt where none was due. Each individual is the best judge of their relationship and if you think your wife would be so easily manipulated by a man eater, don’t bring her over. But I think in that case either you or your wife have bigger issues that she would trust the manipulations of a stranger over her husband. MOST women aren’t blind to evil crazy bitch - we knew her in high school and she hasn’t changed a bit - well, her face is a little more stretched… I will say that if you saw my ex do this to me, you saw hurt feelings. Because he wasn’t trying to use me as a shield from evil crazy bitch, he was trying to pressure me into a threesome - and here was someone that seemed game. But from the outside, you wouldn’t have known that the issues had little to do with her. When you see from the outside, you seldom know what is really happening between two people - and my guess is what you saw had very little to do with the woman standing there. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 5:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/59 "2014-01-03T17:43:19Z")
> [@chacoguy](#): > > “_I’m flattered, but there is no way I would ever cheat on my partner_.” This. People of both sexes have come on to my partner as long as I’ve known him, and he takes it much better than I do. To him it’s a compliment, to me it’s rudeness. But most of the time a simple direct statement works. On rare occasions something more insistent is called for. In my experience, if BOTH people in the relationship regularly get advances, it’s much harder to keep the relationship intact. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/60 "2014-01-03T17:46:03Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > But if a random guy asks me for sex, I am going to think he might be in the “women demean themselves when they give it away” and get angry at him. What. The. Fuck. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744.md?page=4)