# What is the best way for a male to spurn unwanted advances? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 2, 2014, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744 "2014-01-02T22:54:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/61 "2014-01-03T17:54:22Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > I’ve watched women do it with my husband Oh…really? ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/62 "2014-01-03T18:15:37Z")
> [@Chimera](#): > > What. > The. > Fuck. If some random guy, out of nowhere, asks me “Hey, want to fuck?”, then yes, I am going to be offended. That’s so outside all social norms that I am going to think it’s very likely that for that guy, women are something you use for sex, not, you know, people, and so that he thought I might be open to being used is offensive. ---
**Author:** ![Learjeff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/94ad74/32.png) [@Learjeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Learjeff)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/63 "2014-01-03T18:16:00Z")
> [@Jackmannii](#): > > Oh…really? LOL. You have a perverted mind. > [@epbrown01](#): > > Play dumb - centuries of conditioning have trained women to accept this without hesitation. 🙂 Bingo. Works for me, or so my wife tells me. > [@Voyager](#): > > My answer too. A drink? Sorry, I have to work late. Or be home early. > If that fails, start talking about Star Trek. Yup, or your wife. Evidently I’m unaware, but my wife occasionally lets me know I’m missing the signals. (I play music, sometimes she shows up at the venue, and I enjoy it when she does.) Of course, being dumb may be more effective than playing dumb. Not long ago at a blues jam, while packing up my keyboards, the MC mentioned that so-and-so had asked him if I was single. Who? He explains. Yikes. Thank goodness I’m not! I’m 56, but I think she’d still qualify as a cougar. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/64 "2014-01-03T18:39:10Z")
Just decline the same way that anyone else would-- give them a plausible excuse that makes your intentions clear while giving them room to keep their dignity. Something like: “Oh, I’m not a big texter. You can probably find me on Facebook” (…where I’ll decline your friend request…) “I don’t really give my number out. Sarah knows how to reach me if you need me.” (…and now I am going to tell Sarah to not tell you anything…) “Coffee? My ski-ball league keeps me pretty busy these days, so I don’t have any free time.” “I’m the cook at home, so I have to get back right after work to start dinner. No happy hour for me!” Women spend a lot of time shrugging off advances, so she’ll know what you are saying. If she persists, she’s a creeper, and your best off avoiding her. I don’t think women who pursue married men are necessarily getting off on being home-wreckers. They are often looking for a challenge or for a fling with no long-term potential, and often aren’t really thinking through the pain the cause. There is some chance she is crazy, but she’s probably just trying her luck. ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/65 "2014-01-03T18:42:18Z")
> [@AK84](#): > > Why do some women find married men attractive.? A guy who cannot get a woman to tell him the time of the day, suddenly has hangers on. Is marriage some feminine seal of approval?😉 This has always seemed simple to me. You’ve got some guy who has always been likable and personable, the only thing is, is he’s married. Now, put him working with some single girl. She’s used to constantly dating guys who have agendas of some sort; they’re afraid she wants to get married, they’d rather play the field than be in any relationship, they feel like dating her is somehow beneath them, etc. Add in the plain old jerks of the world, and she’s got a pretty pessimistic view of men in general. But this married fellow? He’s not trying to get in her pants, or hell, even go out with her at all, yet he is the epitome of nice. Constantly friendly, positive, laughing (whatever), and before you know it, he seems perfect to her, except for that one small issue. Then it begins to feel like _all_ the good ones are taken and, since she’s already over the moon about _this_ one, she can either go ahead and pursue him or focus on any of the other “perfect” men she’s now just realized that are out there. No more assholes and a much larger, and safer (supposedly – no doing their dirty laundry, dealing with them when they are sick, basically only seeing them at their very best), dating pool. Plus, super hot sex. At least, that’s my take on why. ---
**Author:** ![brazil84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8491ac/32.png) [@brazil84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brazil84)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/66 "2014-01-03T19:14:22Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > While this is reasonable in one way, giving a “homewrecker” something like an “insanely jealous wife” to latch on to is a bad idea. Why? What harm is likely to come of it? ---
**Author:** ![JerrySTL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e274bd/32.png) [@JerrySTL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JerrySTL)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/67 "2014-01-03T19:34:16Z")
> [@AK84](#): > > Why do some women find married men attractive.? A guy who cannot get a woman to tell him the time of the day, suddenly has hangers on. Is marriage some feminine seal of approval?😉 My son and his friends use to play a game called “bachelor party”. They would go into a bar and act like it’s part of a bachelor party. Women would flock all over the ‘groom’ and he’d often get laid before the night was over. ---
**Author:** ![Belowjob2.0](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Belowjob2.0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belowjob2.0)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/68 "2014-01-03T19:56:48Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I think there’s a cognitive-fallacy-thingy here. When one is single and someone is being friendly and open, the question “are they coming on to me?” is an interesting hypothetical. One tests the hypothesis: they respond in kind, raising the stakes a little. Much of the time, the other person doesn’t really change behavior, because they weren’t flirting and so don’t really register the the behavior as flirtatious. They might deescalate, because they weren’t flirting but think the first person has started flirting. Or they might respond in kind, and something develops. So out of the ten people a person thinks might be coming on to them in a year, only one or two really are, and when you are single you know that. > > But when a person is in a serious relationship, they never test the hypothetical. It’s flattering to think the person was totally into you. So it seems like people are hitting on you all over the place. Have one of your single male friends go to a popular nightspot, once while wearing a ring, and once without. Guarantee you he’ll get more interest while wearing a ring. > [@](#): > > **Dangerosa** > > Oh, and she isn’t going to transfer her attentions to a single guy. The type of women who flirts with a married man for the purpose of moving beyond flirting isn’t interested in attentions on a single guy - a single guy comes with complications and without the power. This. ---
**Author:** ![Belowjob2.0](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Belowjob2.0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belowjob2.0)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/69 "2014-01-03T19:59:02Z")
> [@brazil84](#): > > Why? What harm is likely to come of it? If drama is what she’s seeking, the possibility of major drama is all the more thrilling. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/70 "2014-01-03T20:07:57Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Each individual is the best judge of their relationship and if you think your wife would be so easily manipulated by a man eater, don’t bring her over. But I think in that case either you or your wife have bigger issues that she would trust the manipulations of a stranger over her husband. MOST women aren’t blind to evil crazy bitch - we knew her in high school and she hasn’t changed a bit - well, her face is a little more stretched… I’m really happy that you’re both supremely confident and trustful in your relationship, but there’s really no need to define people who are just _different_ as somehow dysfunctional. Some people are quiet, shy, innocent, have emotional or social vulnerabilities etc - and part of a completely healthy, functional relationship for them is that they protect or nurture one another, or steer away from known, obvious dangers. ---
**Author:** ![LC\_Strawhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e19adc/32.png) [@LC\_Strawhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LC_Strawhouse)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/71 "2014-01-03T20:24:32Z")
> [@AK84](#): > > Why do some women find married men attractive.? A guy who cannot get a woman to tell him the time of the day, suddenly has hangers on. Is marriage some feminine seal of approval?😉 I think that in some cases it has nothing to do with the guy’s qualities at all, he might as well be a cardboard cutout. I’ve seen drama where woman “A” thinks that woman “B” needs to be taken down a notch or two and goes about it by stirring up trouble in the other woman’s relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 9:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/72 "2014-01-03T21:12:33Z")
> [@brazil84](#): > > Why? What harm is likely to come of it? Blaming it all on an insanely jealous wife, may give her the idea that you might be interested in her, if it weren’t for the horrible person you’re married to. The thought then becomes how you can avoid your wife finding out, instead of just going away because he isn’t interested. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/73 "2014-01-03T22:23:08Z")
> [@Belowjob2.0](#): > > Have one of your single male friends go to a popular nightspot, once while wearing a ring, and once without. Guarantee you he’ll get more interest while wearing a ring. That may well be, but interest isn’t actual sex. For example, I know with a married man I am less likely to “not-flirt”–that is to say, because he’s married and I am married, I don’t go out of my way to make it clear that I am Not Interested, I don’t worry as much about sending mixed signals. To a recently married guy, this might look like “wow, all these women are a lot more interested in me now”, but that doesn’t actually mean they are all looking to have sex with a married man. > [@Cheesesteak](#): > > Blaming it all on an insanely jealous wife, may give her the idea that you might be interested in her, if it weren’t for the horrible person you’re married to. The thought then becomes how you can avoid your wife finding out, instead of just going away because he isn’t interested. Furthermore, if someone is part of your work or social circle, the last thing you want is for them to go around confidently telling people that your marriage is on the rocks. ---
**Author:** ![runningdude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e9c0ed/32.png) [@runningdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/runningdude)\ **Post date:** [January 3, 2014, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/74 "2014-01-03T23:35:55Z")
> [@LC\_Strawhouse](#): > > If a male in a stable relationship is approached by a “homewrecker” type of woman, what’s the best way to smoothly reject the advances? Act flattered, but casually mention your spouse/girlfriend in any encounter. I get this often enough from women (even when I’m not consciously flirting with them), that a would be women should recognize it herself. Demur on any request for contact information… If worse comes to worst, gently but firmly place an out reached hand on her shoulder, look her in the eye, and say that you are sorry but not interested. > [@](#): > > (So I’d actually prefer to duck out of the way and have my female partner do the dirty work of telling the other woman to get lost!) Any opinions or anecdotes? Wouldn’t work. A “homewrecker” specifically doesn’t care that there is another women. It looks weak on your part, which is enticing to a women who wants a new “toy”. She needs to hear it directly from you that you are interested. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2014, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/75 "2014-01-04T00:52:33Z")
> [@Learjeff](#): > > Yup, or your wife. > > Evidently I’m unaware, but my wife occasionally lets me know I’m missing the signals. (I play music, sometimes she shows up at the venue, and I enjoy it when she does.) Of course, being dumb may be more effective than playing dumb. > > Not long ago at a blues jam, while packing up my keyboards, the MC mentioned that so-and-so had asked him if I was single. Who? He explains. Yikes. Thank goodness I’m not! I’m 56, but I think she’d still qualify as a cougar. As noted, talking about my wife might encourage them. The only time this happened to me was with the mother of a friend of my daughter’s when my wife was away. I played dumb. No sacrifice - her husband was nice, and she and her daughter were both crazy. And if I picked up on it, it was quite blatant. ---
**Author:** ![toofs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4491bb/32.png) [@toofs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/toofs)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2014, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/76 "2014-01-04T00:56:21Z")
> [@JerrySTL](#): > > My son and his friends use to play a game called “bachelor party”. They would go into a bar and act like it’s part of a bachelor party. Women would flock all over the ‘groom’ and he’d often get laid before the night was over. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2014, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/77 "2014-01-04T01:05:50Z")
> [@John\_Mace](#): > > I would have thought most men would have eagerly accepted! No… assuming I do not look like a male model an out of the blue unsolicited offer of no strings sex by an attractive, sober woman I have never met before would make every red flag in a normal man’s head start flying. Robbery setup, rape claim setup, mental issues, revenge fuck, husband wants a three way cuckold fantasy,… the list goes on, and few options are good ones. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2014, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/78 "2014-01-04T01:45:05Z")
Play dumb & tap your left hand on a table nearby nervously. Bonus points if you can make a loud tapping sound on it _with your wedding ring_. ---
**Author:** ![brazil84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8491ac/32.png) [@brazil84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/brazil84)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2014, 11:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/79 "2014-01-04T11:32:31Z")
> [@Cheesesteak](#): > > Blaming it all on an insanely jealous wife, may give her the idea that you might be interested in her, if it weren’t for the horrible person you’re married to. The thought then becomes how you can avoid your wife finding out, instead of just going away because he isn’t interested. > [@BelowJob2.0](#): > > If drama is what she’s seeking, the possibility of major drama is all the more thrilling. Based on my experience, I would have to disagree. Stating or implying that you are uninterested in someone is more likely to provoke a bad reaction than blaming a third party. ---
**Author:** ![Washoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ecae2f/32.png) [@Washoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Washoe)\ **Post date:** [January 4, 2014, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/80 "2014-01-04T23:25:28Z")
> [@brazil84](#): > > Why? What harm is likely to come of it? Schlemiel! Schlimazel! Hasenpfeffer Incorporated! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744.md?page=5)