# What is the best way for a male to spurn unwanted advances? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 2, 2014, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744 "2014-01-02T22:54:28Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![JRDelirious](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jrdelirious/32/9531_2.png) [@JRDelirious](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRDelirious)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2014, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/81 "2014-01-05T00:11:06Z")
> [@eclectic\_wench](#): > > I totally agree with the people saying that there’s flirting for fun and then there’s flirting with intent - And it would be really, really helpful if the one and the other were accompanied by a conspicuous and distinctly colored signal light or flag being waved 😛 But yes, “oh that’s nice, but no, sorry”; “oh, I’m a happily married man”; redirecting the conversation to innocuous subjects and rejoining the crowd, all are good… … save “excuse me, have you met my friend Lorenzo here? We cosplay as Frodo and Sam twice a week” for truly extreme cases 😃 As to the direct “wannafuck” approach… > [@Malacandra](#): > > By now the news has got around, and everyone understands that women only ever act this way in psychology experiments, unless (a) they are barking mad or (b) you are such a horndog that gals are always acting this way around you. So if a hot chick were to ask me to do the nasty completely out of the blue, I would know that there was a zero percent chance this was on the up-and-up, and all I’d be looking to do would be to preserve everyone’s dignity as best I could. > [@astro](#): > > No… assuming I do not look like a male model an out of the blue unsolicited offer of no strings sex by an attractive, sober woman I have never met before would make every red flag in a normal man’s head start flying. Robbery setup, rape claim setup, mental issues, revenge fuck, husband wants a three way cuckold fantasy,… the list goes on, and few options are good ones. …aye, 'tis a sad time we live in that it must be so, but survival requires it. ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2014, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/82 "2014-01-05T00:36:35Z")
Like several others in this thread, I would be _extremely_ suspicious of attractive women approaching me randomly with offers for sex - my first thoughts would be to assume either she was a prostitute, it was a practical joke by some girls having a night out, it’s a scam/setup or it was one of those hidden camera shows etc. To address the OP, when I was younger there was the girlfriend of a colleague who made it very clear, in increasingly certain terms, that she wanted to hook up with me in a way neither of our partners would approve of. My polite rejections (“I’m flattered but spoken for”, “I’m seeing someone, but thanks anwyay”, “We’re both in relationships so this isn’t something I’m comfortable with” etc) didn’t work and only seemed to encourage her to try even harder. Other people noticed this (and also noticed my continuing polite and civil rejections), so it wasn’t something that was being taken out of context. It finally culminated one day when she said she had a hotel room on the other side of town for some implausible reason and I should “come and check it out [with her] because it’s got a great view from the bedroom”. I flatly told her no, it wasn’t going to happen, I wasn’t interested, stop it, etc. Her reaction was the (as mentioned by other posters) classic “OMG, you thought I meant it like that! Pfft! Don’t flatter yourself, weirdo,” etc. There was some drama when she told her boyfriend I’d been hitting on her, but that was very quickly sorted out when half a dozen people came to my defence and said it was the other way around and she’d been hitting on me and I hadn’t wanted a bar of it. Anyway, I later had a female colleague (at a different job) develop a romantic interest in me, and remembering the dramas from last time, I just played dumb. You want to go to a movie? Sure, which one? That one? Sorry, my girlfriend doesn’t like [the actor/genre] and doesn’t want to see it/My girlfriend is working then and can’t make it. Let’s get coffee? Sounds good, my girlfriend wants to come along as well. I wouldn’t comment if she was wearing more makeup or jewellery and would talk about the cool stuff my girlfriend and I had been up (we went to a winery at the weekend, it was great!) and so on. After about two months, my colleague worked out I wasn’t interested and there was no drama, unpleasantness, or hurt feelings. Having said all that, I think most guys would agree it’s quite unusual for women to blatantly hit on them unless they look like Ryan Gosling or Gerard Butler. It’s just not how things generally work, in our experience. ---
**Author:** ![all\_timestamps\_displayed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/958977/32.png) [@all\_timestamps\_displayed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/all_timestamps_displayed)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2014, 9:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/83 "2014-01-05T09:06:37Z")
Difficult situation. I agree with the people who said “play dumb.” But I would suggest being a bit of a lousy actor. What you really want, is for her to “realize” that you’re playing dumb in order to avoid an awkward situation (including hurt feelings) because you’re not interested. The other thing that can work is to be “turned off” by her flirting. In other words, your politeness becomes a bit more pointed and you glance away briefly in embarassment (for HER) when she flirts. Graciously let her flirtatious comments fall flat. Like if she asks you a question fraught with innuendo, answer it literally and politely and hopefully she’ll catch on that this is exactly what you’re doing. You can also use IFTTT to schedule a text for yourself during the next time you’re around this person (towards the end). When you get it, look down and let a smile flash over your face like you just got a great text. Then say “oh, there’s my wife, gotta go, catch you later.” It’s okay to be a bit awkward, you kind of want to be a tiny bit fumbling with it, handling things too adroitly could make you all the more desirable. And trying to be slick and failing could invite reprisal from someone pissed that you’d think to put one over on them. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2014, 9:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/84 "2014-01-05T09:42:50Z")
> [@Martini\_Enfield](#): > > Her reaction was the (as mentioned by other posters) classic “OMG, you thought I meant it like that! Pfft! Don’t flatter yourself, weirdo,” etc. There was some drama when she told her boyfriend I’d been hitting on her, but that was very quickly sorted out when half a dozen people came to my defence and said it was the other way around and she’d been hitting on me and I hadn’t wanted a bar of it. Makes you wonder what the game plan really was - wonder if that was just face-saving, or something more fucked-up (like: she likes seeing her boyfriend kick the shit out of supposed interlopers). ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2014, 10:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/85 "2014-01-05T10:00:13Z")
> [@Mangetout](#): > > Makes you wonder what the game plan really was - wonder if that was just face-saving, or something more fucked-up (like: she likes seeing her boyfriend kick the shit out of supposed interlopers). My gut feeling is it was a face saving exercise combined with a “How could he reject me? ME? I’ll show him!”, hence my different (and totally drama-free) approach the next time the situation occurred. ---
**Author:** ![48Willys](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/4/db5fbb/32.png) [@48Willys](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/48Willys)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2014, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/86 "2014-01-05T13:14:21Z")
> [@epbrown01](#): > > Play dumb - centuries of conditioning have trained women to accept this without hesitation. 🙂 Whose playing? My wife is the one that notices when other women are hitting on me, not I. Seriously, I do not know. I am clueless! I often bring my wife into my conversations because she is one of my favorite subjects. I think that most ladies around me quickly figure out that my wife is my one true love. We will celebrate our 29th anniversary this month. yay!! ---
**Author:** ![epbrown01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7ba0ec/32.png) [@epbrown01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/epbrown01)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2014, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/87 "2014-01-05T15:16:26Z")
> [@48Willys](#): > > Whose playing? My wife is the one that notices when other women are hitting on me, not I. Seriously, I do not know. I am clueless! And thanks to men like you, the system works! 🙂 And as some above anecdotes have mentioned, a side benefit is being clueless is more gentle than rejection which, speaking from general experience, women don’t handle well. ---
**Author:** ![LC\_Strawhouse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e19adc/32.png) [@LC\_Strawhouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LC_Strawhouse)\ **Post date:** [January 5, 2014, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/88 "2014-01-05T16:49:24Z")
Thanks for the opinions. I think that bringing up my female partner in conversation is still kind of blunt and accusatory. In the past it has gotten on my nerves when I’m having an innocent conversation with a woman and then she brings up “my FIANCE” or “my HUSBAND” multiple times with emphasis, out of the blue. (yeah, I got your point and no, I wasn’t trying to hit on you) I’d rather not do the same thing in reverse. Whenever it’s happened to me, I’ve preferred to act dumb & distracted, and pretended not to hear any direct questions about phone numbers, etc. But I feel like I can be smoother about it. ---
**Author:** ![Nisslbody](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/e36b37/32.png) [@Nisslbody](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nisslbody)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2014, 7:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/89 "2014-01-06T07:46:18Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I think there’s a cognitive-fallacy-thingy here. When one is single and someone is being friendly and open, the question “are they coming on to me?” is an interesting hypothetical. One tests the hypothesis: they respond in kind, raising the stakes a little. Much of the time, the other person doesn’t really change behavior, because they weren’t flirting and so don’t really register the the behavior as flirtatious. They might deescalate, because they weren’t flirting but think the first person has started flirting. Or they might respond in kind, and something develops. So out of the ten people a person thinks might be coming on to them in a year, only one or two really are, and when you are single you know that. > > But when a person is in a serious relationship, they never test the hypothetical. It’s flattering to think the person was totally into you. So it seems like people are hitting on you all over the place. If someone’s married or with a partner, clearly they aren’t failing THAT hard with the opposite sex… ---
**Author:** ![Nisslbody](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/e36b37/32.png) [@Nisslbody](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nisslbody)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2014, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/90 "2014-01-06T07:57:52Z")
> [@Belowjob2.0](#): > > Have one of your single male friends go to a popular nightspot, once while wearing a ring, and once without. Guarantee you he’ll get more interest while wearing a ring. As a single girl, I am way more likely to talk to a married man than a single one, but not because I’m interested. Rather, it’s because I’m not worried that I’m sending the wrong message by being friendly and chatty, because he’s married and therefore not on the prowl. One would hope. So, if a guy I’m totally not interested in sexually who is NOT wearing a wedding ring strikes up a conversation, I am much more likely to blow him off or give him the cold shoulder than if he was wearing a ring, because in the former case I would assume he was hoping to get somewhere with me, and in the latter case I would assume he just wanted to have a conversation. Guys are notorious for assuming that a woman smiling and chatting with them indicates sexual interest. That is totally not always the case, and especially isn’t the case when a guy is wearing his “designated safe to talk to” badge, AKA wedding ring. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2014, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/91 "2014-01-06T16:12:50Z")
> [@LC\_Strawhouse](#): > > If a male in a stable relationship is approached by a “homewrecker” type of woman, what’s the best way to smoothly reject the advances? > > I’d be concerned about being too harsh in case that would hurt her pride and turn her into a “woman scorned” who wants revenge. On the other hand, I wouldn’t want to be too indulgent and accidentally give mixed signals or put myself in a compromising looking position. (So I’d actually prefer to duck out of the way and have my female partner do the dirty work of telling the other woman to get lost!) Any opinions or anecdotes? I simply hold up my left hand and let her get a good look at my wedding ring. ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2014, 7:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/92 "2014-01-06T19:11:30Z")
> [@LC\_Strawhouse](#): > > Thanks for the opinions. I think that bringing up my female partner in conversation is still kind of blunt and accusatory. In the past it has gotten on my nerves when I’m having an innocent conversation with a woman and then she brings up “my FIANCE” or “my HUSBAND” multiple times with emphasis, out of the blue. (yeah, I got your point and no, I wasn’t trying to hit on you) > . . . I think it’s fine as long as you aren’t doing it in a sick singsongy way (“My fee-AHN-say . . .”) or using hostile tight-lipped eye-contact. (full-contact eye-contact? 😛 ) IOW, I’d guess it was the emphasis, not the mention that made it offensive. ---
**Author:** ![SerafinaPekala](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecae2f/32.png) [@SerafinaPekala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SerafinaPekala)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2014, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/93 "2014-01-06T19:20:15Z")
This is a true story. My now-husband and I once worked together. He was new kid in town, and I asked him if he would like to go out with my gf and I to see a band play that we had been talking about. He gave me the Once-Over and said, “I dont think so.” wtf? :dubious: And we still had to work together! Cordial but aloof I was. Months pass and Im working in a different department by then; I hear my name paged overhead. Its Him. “Hey wanna go out this Sat?” Tic toc… (Im thinking). what the hell, “Sure.” His story is that he didnt want to go out with me and GIRLFRIEND, just me. Whatever. Its lasted 18 years. ---
**Author:** ![Fotheringay-Phipps](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/d9b06d/32.png) [@Fotheringay-Phipps](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fotheringay-Phipps)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2014, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/94 "2014-01-08T15:15:12Z")
> [@Nisslbody](#): > > As a single girl, I am way more likely to talk to a married man than a single one, but not because I’m interested. Rather, it’s because I’m not worried that I’m sending the wrong message by being friendly and chatty, because he’s married and therefore not on the prowl. One would hope. > > So, if a guy I’m totally not interested in sexually who is NOT wearing a wedding ring strikes up a conversation, I am much more likely to blow him off or give him the cold shoulder than if he was wearing a ring, because in the former case I would assume he was hoping to get somewhere with me, and in the latter case I would assume he just wanted to have a conversation. > > Guys are notorious for assuming that a woman smiling and chatting with them indicates sexual interest. That is totally not always the case, and especially isn’t the case when a guy is wearing his “designated safe to talk to” badge, AKA wedding ring. I mentioned this theory to my wife, and she agreed but added a slight twist. Her point was that a lot of women like to flirt, whether to have their attractiveness and desireability confirmed or for whatever other reason. But a lot of these women don’t want to go any further than that. So they may see flirting with a married man as safer, since the guy is less likely to interpret than as an invitation to take it further, or less likely to actually try to take it further in any event. Largely the same point you’re making, but not such an innocent “friendly and chatty”. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2014, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744/95 "2014-01-08T20:03:13Z")
> [@Nisslbody](#): > > I am much more likely to blow him off or give him the cold shoulder than if he was wearing a ring, because in the former case I would assume he was hoping to get somewhere with me, Where? Like down to the bowling alley? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-for-a-male-to-spurn-unwanted-advances/677744.md?page=4)