# What is the best way to deal with a socially clueless person? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 13, 2010, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-to-deal-with-a-socially-clueless-person/539327 "2010-05-13T17:54:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-to-deal-with-a-socially-clueless-person/539327/21 "2010-05-14T17:15:51Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > I’m curious as to why anyone would want to _not_ damage such an acquaintanceship. I tend to be direct and honest. If that doesn’t work, than the person is avoided in the future. And I do not clean up someone else vomit. I mean, _ **WTF** _? Oh, I definitely hear your WTF on not cleaning up after your kid, and I nth it. But as to why I might want to maintain this acquaintance, I’ve been wading through the minefield of Mommy Wars long enough to know that the idiot I scream at for cutting me off in traffic may be my child’s next coach. There’s lots of people I cut out of my own personal life because of their behavior, but when my kids are involved, I chose to gingerly play a lot more politics so as not to sabotage their future choices. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-to-deal-with-a-socially-clueless-person/539327/22 "2010-05-14T17:19:06Z")
One thing I’ve noticed in social situations like that is the group will defer to the leader - the leader of that group was the host woman. If she didn’t tell Jane to get her vomit-machine out of the house, no one else would step over that line. Jane is probably clueless, but some extent, the host woman is, too, and didn’t seem to realize that she was the one who was supposed to tell Jane what to do. ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-to-deal-with-a-socially-clueless-person/539327/23 "2010-05-14T17:49:24Z")
> [@dangermom](#): > > No, taking your barfing child home is Basic Mothering 101, unless you can immediately explain it with “Sorry, she gets carsick easily” or similar (as in allergies etc., but if my kid throws up from allergies it knocks her out for hours). Kid throws up, kid goes home. This is my opinion, too. Spit up is one thing; projectile vomiting is another entirely. When that happens, my first response is to get the kid into the bathroom to make sure he/she is done, clean them up, clean up the mess, then get the hell out, with an apology. Then call later to find out what I missed and to offer to help clean up further if necessary. I try really hard not to be an over-apologetic person, but I find vomit incredibly disgusting, even moreso if it’s all over the place and you might be transmitting a contagious stomach virus. Perhaps that’s irrational, but that’s the way I see it anyway. In my (albeit limited) experience, most kids prefer to be at home with familiar things and people when they’re not feeling well anyway. Then there’s the not-so-little question of not wanting them to give others their cooties or ruin their things. And even if the projectile vomit is a result of a drug interaction or allergy, vomiting hurts and for little kids it’s scary. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-to-deal-with-a-socially-clueless-person/539327/24 "2010-05-14T19:09:01Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Oh, I definitely hear your WTF on not cleaning up after your kid, and I nth it. But as to why I might want to maintain this acquaintance, I’ve been wading through the minefield of Mommy Wars long enough to know that the idiot I scream at for cutting me off in traffic may be my child’s next coach. There’s lots of people I cut out of my own personal life because of their behavior, but when my kids are involved, I chose to gingerly play a lot more politics so as not to sabotage their future choices. But you should realize that, if you are dealing with a jerk here, there’s not much you can do to make the situation better. Jerks do what they do because it gets them what they want, and they don’t care what effect their behavior has on others. Communicating with them more clearly isn’t going to help. And there are people in this world with truly staggering levels of indifference to the effects of their behavior on others. An important corollary to this is that, if a jerk acts like a jerk, it isn’t your fault. Don’t blame yourself for not communicating with them in the right way. It’s possible that you communicated your discomfort loudly and clearly, but she just doesn’t care. If what you are dealing with is a socially clueless person, then communicating with her more clearly might help. But there’s also the possibility that you’re dealing with a jerk, and that communicating better isn’t the answer. > [@overlyverbose](#): > > In my (albeit limited) experience, most kids prefer to be at home with familiar things and people when they’re not feeling well anyway. This isn’t limited to kids, either. Feeling bad is always worse when you’re away from home. ---
**Author:** ![Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/bc8723/32.png) [@Unauthorized\_Cinnamon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unauthorized_Cinnamon)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-to-deal-with-a-socially-clueless-person/539327/25 "2010-05-14T20:46:58Z")
As far as why we want her in the group - it’s not a playgroup, it’s a meeting for a volunteer group, which is not of our own devising, so we don’t necessarily have the power to pick and choose who is involved. Now, to be fair regarding the cleanup, the hostess jumped on that like Monk on speed, while the mom was in the bathroom with Upchuck Jr (who btw is 2 1/2, so spit up is not really likely). So there wasn’t much for her to do on that score. I think part of the reason why no one, including the hostess, said anything at first is we really couldn’t believe she wasn’t leaving. It truly does take longer to process the evidence before your eyes when it mismatches your internal model of the world. So there was a 10-15 minute lag, during which it seemed (to her) like everyone was OK with her staying, and then I think the hostess felt really awkward about saying something after that interval. I will be talking to all the other group members and suggesting that we just remember that this person is not on the same page, and is likely to do stuff that we don’t accept. And that we need to remember to promptly, matter-of-factly just tell her what we want her to do. One person is already on board with that. ---
**Author:** ![In\_Winnipeg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a8b319/32.png) [@In\_Winnipeg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/In_Winnipeg)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-to-deal-with-a-socially-clueless-person/539327/26 "2010-05-14T23:41:01Z")
> [@](#): > > What is the best way to deal with a socially clueless person? I suggest using a brick. ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-to-deal-with-a-socially-clueless-person/539327/27 "2010-05-15T14:08:33Z")
It’s a little late to be complaining about this woman. You (the group of you) should have addressed it more directly at the time it was happening. There’s no point in bringing it up now that the incident is over with. But if it happens again you (the group) should dig a little deeper to find out if the kid is possibly contagious and if he is to get him out of there. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-to-deal-with-a-socially-clueless-person/539327/28 "2010-05-15T20:19:10Z")
I’m just happy there are people in here agreeing with my basic tenant: You should not get mad at people for not doing what you expect them to do if you have not communicated that expectation. I know it’s impossible not to a be little upset in the moment, but there’s no reason to stay upset at someone who doesn’t know they offended you or did not live up to your expectations. Only a true jerk warrants being upset. And even then you should just get them out of your life so you don’t actually have to stay upset with them. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [May 16, 2010, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-to-deal-with-a-socially-clueless-person/539327/29 "2010-05-16T00:47:45Z")
Bottom line, speaking as someone who sometimes doesn’t pick up on social cues: If the person is oblivious to social cues that others pick up on much quicker, then you simply have to be less reserved or subtle about things and a bit more blatant, obvious and above board. Just be nice about it, and the person will generally be happy to be told that they’re embarassing themselves by failing to notice clues that to them, are a bit too subtle to be noticed. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-best-way-to-deal-with-a-socially-clueless-person/539327.md?page=1)