# What is the funniest, non-offensive joke you know? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 12, 2006, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208 "2006-10-12T15:39:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![A.R.Cane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ee7513/32.png) [@A.R.Cane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/A.R.Cane)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2006, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/21 "2006-10-12T16:56:38Z")
Proofreading is not one of my finer skills! :smack: ---
**Author:** ![bouv](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bc8723/32.png) [@bouv](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bouv)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2006, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/22 "2006-10-12T16:57:52Z")
[QUOTE=Alistair McCello] Ooh, ooh, is that the one about the snake named Nathan? Greatest. joke. ever. I have recieved my share of death threats over telling that joke. [/QUOTE] Yes. Yes it is. Some more: A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks and them and goes, “What is this, a joke?” Two idiots are standing on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other, “Hey, how do I get to the other side?” The other one shouts back, “You moron, you ARE on the other side!” ---
**Author:** ![Mellivora\_capensis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8797f3/32.png) [@Mellivora\_capensis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mellivora_capensis)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2006, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/23 "2006-10-12T17:02:56Z")
How does an elephant camouflage itself in a strawberry patch? It paints its balls red. How was Tarzan killed? Picking strawberries. ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2006, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/24 "2006-10-12T17:33:13Z")
A man walks into a movie theater and a few rows in front of him there is a woman and her dog. As the movie wore on, he noticed that the dog seemed to be watching the show intently. During the sad scenes, he could hear the dog whimpering. During the action scenes, the dog was standing on the seat with his paws on the back of the seat in front of him. He even swore he heard the dog chuckling at the funny lines. And at the end of the movie, the dog again stood on his seat and barked his approval. The man could stand it no longer, he had to talk to the woman with the dog. “Excuse me”, he said, “I just wanted to let you know that I could not believe how much your dog enjoyed the movie.” “Me either” said the woman, “he hated the book.” ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2006, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/25 "2006-10-12T17:39:29Z")
[QUOTE=Bobotheoptimist] ARGH! **Ethilrist** … Preview… Dammit… Why’d the monkey fall out of the tree? It was dead. [/QUOTE] pssst… see post #4… ---
**Author:** ![Bobotheoptimist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/919ad9/32.png) [@Bobotheoptimist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bobotheoptimist)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2006, 6:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/26 "2006-10-12T18:04:11Z")
Why’d the third monkey fall out of the tree? It was handcuffed to the first monkey. Preview _then_ submit! ---
**Author:** ![Spiff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spiff/32/9852_2.png) [@Spiff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiff)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2006, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/27 "2006-10-12T18:06:44Z")
Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play? ---
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2006, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/28 "2006-10-12T18:07:18Z")
Q: How many elephants can fit in a volkswagon? A: Four. Two in front, two in back. Q: How can you tell if you’ve got an elephant in your refridgerator? A: There’s footprints in the butter. Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refridgerator? A: You can hear them talking. Q: How can you tell if there are three elephants in your refridgerator? A: The door won’t close. Q: How can you tell if there’s four elephants in your refridgerator? A: There’s an empty volkswagon outside. ---
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2006, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/29 "2006-10-12T18:10:09Z")
Q: How can you tell if somebody can’t spell refrigerator? A: They’re posting elephant jokes. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2006, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/30 "2006-10-12T18:12:00Z")
[QUOTE=Spiff] Aside from that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play? [/QUOTE] _Nonoffensive?_ Knock Knock Who’s there? Banana Banana who? Knock Knock Who’s there? Banana Banana who? Knock Knock Who’s there? Orange Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say “Banana”? ---
**Author:** ![TimeWinder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bcef8e/32.png) [@TimeWinder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TimeWinder)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2006, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/31 "2006-10-12T18:14:32Z")
Knock Knock… Who’s there? Interrupting Clam Interrupting Clam who? Hmmm, maybe needs a little more work. ---
**Author:** ![Infovore](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/infovore/32/420_2.png) [@Infovore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Infovore)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2006, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/32 "2006-10-12T18:28:28Z")
Q: What do you have if you’re holding two little green balls in your hand? A: Kermit’s undivided attention. * * * A duck walks into a store. “Got any duck food?” “Sorry, no,” says the proprietor. Duck leaves. He comes back the next day. “Got any duck food?” Proprietor is slightly annoyed. “I told you yesterday: no.” Duck leaves. Comes back the next day. “Got any duck food?” “No! And if you ask me one more time I’m gonna nail your feet to the counter!” Duck considers. “Got any nails?” “No.” “Got any duck food?” (yeah, it’s a dumb joke but it never fails to make me laugh) 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2006, 6:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/33 "2006-10-12T18:32:12Z")
One of my two all-time favorite jokes: Why are elephants big, grey, and wrinkled? Because if they were small, white, and smooth, they’d be aspirin. My very favorite joke requires interaction: Ask me if I’m a duck. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2006, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/34 "2006-10-12T18:37:06Z")
Are you a duck? ---
**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2006, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/35 "2006-10-12T18:39:43Z")
So, **Max** you a duck? What’s blackandwhiteandgreenandwhiteandblack and smells terrible? Two skunks fighting over a pickle ---
**Author:** ![myskepticsight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cc9497/32.png) [@myskepticsight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/myskepticsight)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2006, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/36 "2006-10-12T18:41:14Z")
Haha yes I love jokes like these. I’ll tell my groan inducing old standby: Three tomatoes are crossing the street. Mom, Dad, and baby tomato. They are in a hurry to get somewhere. The baby tomato starts to lag behind. The dad tomato goes back to the baby tomato, smushes him and says, “Catch up!” ---
**Author:** ![Maastricht](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a88e57/32.png) [@Maastricht](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maastricht)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2006, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/37 "2006-10-12T18:41:36Z")
[QUOTE=Max Torque] My very favorite joke requires interaction: Ask me if I’m a duck. [/QUOTE] Well, are you a duck? ---
**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2006, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/38 "2006-10-12T18:42:07Z")
Knock Knock. Who’s there? Control freak. Now you say “Control freak who?” ---
**Author:** ![FordPrefect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e99b99/32.png) [@FordPrefect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FordPrefect)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2006, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/39 "2006-10-12T18:42:42Z")
Another fun joke is not really a knock-knock joke Person 1: “Do you want to hear a knock-knock joke?” Person 2: “Yeah, sure.” Person 1: “Okay you start.” Person 2: “Knock, knock!” Person 1: “Who’s there?” Person 2: “Ahh, crap…” ---
**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2006, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/40 "2006-10-12T18:43:12Z")
[QUOTE=Maastricht] Well, are you a duck? [/QUOTE] No [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208.md?page=3)