# What is the funniest, non-offensive joke you know? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 12, 2006, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208 "2006-10-12T15:39:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![williambaskerville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/f14d63/32.png) [@williambaskerville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/williambaskerville)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2006, 10:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/101 "2006-10-14T10:47:25Z")
\>\> Chowder, grow up, “thick mick” jokes are so last millenium An Irishman walks onto a building site that’s advertising for a handyman. The foreman asks “So, you can you do some bricklaying?” “No, bricklaying is beyond me”. “Well, how about carpentry ? Can you do some carpentry for us” ? “No, carpentry isn’t my thing at all”. "Plastering? Can you plaster? “Plaster? I can’t spell plaster”. “Well, what’s handy about you ?” “I only live around the corner?”. (Lobelia, I had to do it… before you take offense,(if your comment actually indicated offense), check my location. I can see the Irish sea from my study window.I love thick Irishman jokes.) ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2006, 1:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/102 "2006-10-14T13:07:57Z")
Joe is sitting in a bar that he doesn’t usually visit, when he gets a tap on the shoulder. “Hey, don’t you know who I am?” asks the stranger. “No, why should I?” “Hey everyone”, says the stranger, “Who am I?” “Levine!” replies the crowd. “You see? Everyone knows me. Everyone knows Levine.” “Oh, sure, in your own bar, everyone knows you. But in my regular bar, no one knows who you are.” Levine objects to this, because everyone knows him. So he and Joe go across town to Joe’s favorite watering hole. When they arrive, Levine shouts out “Yo, folks, who am I?” “Levine! Levine!” Joe is astonished by this, but still skeptical. “OK, people in bars know you. But I bet the governor doesn’t know you.” “Of course the governor knows me. Let’s go visit him.” So they go to the governor’s mansion. A butler answers the door. “Ah, Mister Levine. The governor was just asking about you.” “Sure”, says Joe. “The governor knows you, but I’d bet that the President doesn’t.” “Of course he does!”, replies Levine. “Let’s go to the White House.” So they go to the White House. The President himself answers the door. “Hey, Levine! I was about ta go all nukular on a armadilla!” Cheney shows up, shotgun in hand, but doesn’t fire when he sees his good friend Levine. “OK”, says Joe. “So the President knows you. But how about someone really important, like the Pope?” Levine just cracked a smile, and suggested that they go to the Vatican. And so they did. Upon arriving, Levine explains that the Pope doesn’t meet with just anyone. “I’ll go in, you stay out here, and you’ll see me walking up on that balcony with the Pope. Then you’ll see that he knows me.” “Yeah, right” says Joe. A few minutes later, Levine is walking on the balcony with the Pope, talking like old friends, when he sees Joe lying passed out on the lawn. Levine runs down, and revives Joe. “Joe, Joe, what happened?” “I was standing here, watching you up there, and this nun asks me ‘Hey, who’s that up there with Levine?’” ---
**Author:** ![chowder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/977dab/32.png) [@chowder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chowder)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2006, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/103 "2006-10-14T13:35:26Z")
[QUOTE=Lobelia Overhill] Chowder, grow up, “thick mick” jokes are so last millenium [/QUOTE] Lobelia, grow up, it’s a joke ---
**Author:** ![wisernow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/13edae/32.png) [@wisernow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wisernow)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2006, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/104 "2006-10-14T15:40:31Z")
This one is better heard than read, but here goes anyways… A husband and wife came out of the movie theater. The wife says,“Hmm…that movie was a little vague”, but she pronounces vague as “vayg-you”. The husband corrects her gently and says," Honey, that should be vague, not vayg-you". The wife says," Oh that was only a slip of my tongue", pronouncing the word again as “tong-you”. The husband gently corrects her again,“Dear, that would be tongue, not tong-you”. The wife retorts,“Ok…ok…don’t arg!” ---
**Author:** ![MacTech](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MacTech](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MacTech)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2006, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/105 "2006-10-14T16:03:38Z")
nope you’re all wrong, the world’s funniest joke is; Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! … Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@Amazon\_Floozy\_Goddess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amazon_Floozy_Goddess)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2006, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/106 "2006-10-14T16:24:55Z")
[QUOTE=MacTech] nope you’re all wrong, the world’s funniest joke is; Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! … Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput. 😉 [/QUOTE] Very true. Thankfully I’m not German, or I wouldn’t be typing this. 😃 Too bad the best comeback to that was: Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, and von vas… assaulted! peanut. Ho-ho-ho-ho. Pathetic. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Yeeter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/96bed5/32.png) [@Yeeter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yeeter)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2006, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/107 "2006-10-14T16:56:22Z")
One good, one bad: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, but the light bulb has to WANT to change. * * * Did you hear about the cow that had a bug fly into it’s ear? The next day it came out in its milk. It was a case of in one ear and out the udder. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2006, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/108 "2006-10-14T17:52:38Z")
I also a dum-dum. Need smart people explain gambling rabbi joke to me. I don’t know if this one is technically inoffensive, but here goes: What do Michael Jackson and caviar have in common? They both come on little crackers. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2006, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/109 "2006-10-14T18:35:05Z")
[QUOTE=Mellivora capensis] How does an elephant camouflage itself in a strawberry patch? It paints its balls red. [/QUOTE] Well, so much for sending this link to my neice. Thanks Mell. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2006, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/110 "2006-10-14T19:01:25Z")
[QUOTE=lissener] Well, so much for sending this link to my neice. Thanks Mell. [/QUOTE] And having read further through this thread, you were not the only person who spoiled what coulda been a great, share-able thread. Oh well, there’s a few in every bunch. ---
**Author:** ![Suburban\_Plankton](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/suburban_plankton/32/219_2.png) [@Suburban\_Plankton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Suburban_Plankton)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2006, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/111 "2006-10-14T19:13:07Z")
How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Fish! ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2006, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/112 "2006-10-14T19:26:33Z")
> [@Cisco](#): > > I am amazed at what some of you include in things that couldn’t be considered offensive to anyone at anytime. > > None of these jokes offend me in the least, but I wouldn’t dare tell a lot of them in front of my grandmother, or even my boss or most of my co-workers for that matter. Thank you! I thought I was the only one. It’s interesting that “wasn’t offensive when told among white businessmen in the 50s” is good enough for a lot of contributors to this thread. > [@chowder](#): > > Lobelia, grow up, it’s a joke And it’s also racist. Is that your idea of “non-offensive”? Seriously, do you people understand what that means? ---
**Author:** ![Cisco](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ccd318/32.png) [@Cisco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cisco)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2006, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/113 "2006-10-14T19:49:46Z")
[QUOTE=fetus] Is that your idea of “non-offensive”? Seriously, do you people understand what that means? [/QUOTE] Just when I think the population of this board is way too easily offended, they go and drop f-bombs, pedophilia, racism, religion, and prostituion into a thread specifically asking for: > [@](#): > > joke[s] which [are] NOT at the expense of any individual or group, and would be guaranteed to not offend almost any person. I swear I don’t get you people at all. Have you never known an elderly person who would gasp at a word as innocuous as _fart_? Would you tell these jokes to a small child, in front of their parents? ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2006, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/114 "2006-10-14T19:51:38Z")
I’m glad to see I wasn’t the only one. I love a great offensive joke–let’s start a thread on Holocaust jokes–but I was looking forward to being able to share this thread with my 5-10yr old nieces. Too bad it only takes a few bad apples to fuck up a good “non-offensive” joke thread. ---
**Author:** ![lissener](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lissener/32/6139_2.png) [@lissener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lissener)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2006, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/115 "2006-10-14T19:54:10Z")
[QUOTE=Suburban Plankton] How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? Fish! [/QUOTE] Actually, the correct answer is: Giraffe in a bathtub.[/ ---
**Author:** ![Azfang](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ebca7d/32.png) [@Azfang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Azfang)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2006, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/116 "2006-10-14T22:32:26Z")
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a banana? |Elephant||Banana| sin(theta). What do you get when you cross a lizard and a banana? You’d think it would be |Lizard||Banana| sin(theta), but it turns out lizards are scalar. It probably says something about my group of friends that most of them get that. ---
**Author:** ![Biotop](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biotop/32/321_2.png) [@Biotop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biotop)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2006, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/117 "2006-10-14T23:17:50Z")
Knock! Knock! Who’s there? Interrupting dead monkey in a tree. Interrupting dead monk----SPLAT!!! ---
**Author:** ![JillGat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9fc29f/32.png) [@JillGat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JillGat)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2006, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/118 "2006-10-15T00:40:44Z")
[QUOTE=lissener] I’m glad to see I wasn’t the only one. I love a great offensive joke–let’s start a thread on Holocaust jokes–but I was looking forward to being able to share this thread with my 5-10yr old nieces. Too bad it only takes a few bad apples to fuck up a good “non-offensive” joke thread. [/QUOTE] Now that there is one of the funniest posts in this thread! Pissed off that somebody fucked up the non-offensive joke thread. Okay, here: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back? A stick. ---
**Author:** ![Biotop](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biotop/32/321_2.png) [@Biotop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biotop)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2006, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/119 "2006-10-15T02:14:23Z")
Knock! Knock! Who’s there? Interrupting Dennis Hastert Cow. Interrupting Dennis Hastert Cow who? …(two years later) **…MOO!** +++++ Knock Knock Who’s there? Interrupting Anagram. Interrupting Ana-----? **MUG A TRAINING PARTNER!** +++++ Knock! Knock! Who’s there? Interrupting Spoiler Cow. Interrupting Spoile----? **The who questioner is interrupted in mid-sentence by a loud and annoying "MOO!"** +++++ Knock! Knock! Who’s there? Interrupting George Allen Cow. Interrupting George All----? **MOOOcaca!** +++++ Knock! Knock! Who’s there? Interrupting Tired Joke. Interrupting Tir—? **Knock! Knock!** ---
**Author:** ![JillGat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9fc29f/32.png) [@JillGat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JillGat)\ **Post date:** [October 15, 2006, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208/120 "2006-10-15T02:57:11Z")
Knock Knock Who’s there? Somebody who has read the whole thread so far, so I’m not going to repeat jokes that have already been posted. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-funniest-non-offensive-joke-you-know/376208.md?page=7)