# What is the goal when people grossly mislead regarding their appearance in dating? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 7, 2015, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684 "2015-12-07T06:04:05Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2015, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684/61 "2015-12-07T23:07:49Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > _sigh_ > > A heterosexual man wants a hole to fuck. A woman being paraplegic or quadriplegic really doesn’t hinder that goal at all, and some might even see it as a desirable quality because her limited mobility would give him a greater sense of power/control over her. A woman is generally more passive in sex anyway by design, so it’s not as big of a deal to an able-bodied male. > > A heterosexual woman wants an erect dick to fuck her. A man being paraplegic or quadriplegic, from what I understand, is probably going to have difficulty with getting/sustaining erections, and he cannot be as active in the role in terms of positions and exerting thrust, etc. I honestly don’t know to what degree, and from what I’ve heard/read I think it may still be possible for some to have penetrative sex. But it’s certainly a much greater challenge for a man in a wheelchair to have penetrative hetero sex than it is for a woman in a wheelchair to have penetrative hetero sex. > > So it just came off to me as really insensitive and dumb for you to respond to **Ambivalid** ’s comment with “Yeah, and women in wheelchairs do well in dating too!” when the challenge isn’t even remotely comparable. Creepy guys will happily line up in droves to fuck a woman in a wheelchair, but not so much the other way around. Major respect to **Ambivalid** and other disabled men for overcoming that challenge. This would be a great theory if you were writing “Dear Penthouse” letters, but we’re talking about women in wheelchairs _getting and accepting_ dates, not what the fetishists are busy wanking off to. Wheelchair bound women still have the agency and ability to ability to make discriminating choices about male companionship the way fully mobile women do. Your notion that wheelchair bound women are basically offering themselves up as desperate fuck pillows is both insulting and incorrect. I think there are a number of men potentially interested in having relationship with an intelligent disabled woman where they could be useful and helpful over and above the normal social graces vs some fetish pig looking for a helpless wet hole. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2015, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684/62 "2015-12-07T23:15:17Z")
> [@astro](#): > > Your notion that wheelchair bound women are basically offering themselves up as desperate fuck pillows is both insulting and incorrect. I think there are a number of men potentially interested in having relationship with an intelligent disabled woman where they could be useful and helpful over and above the normal social graces vs some fetish pig looking for a helpless wet hole. How the hell would you get _that_ from what I wrote? That’s not what I said or meant in the least. Just that being in a wheelchair wouldn’t be nearly as much of a hindrance to a woman trying to date as it is for a man trying to date. Yet you brought it up as if it were some sort of equivalent hardship, which is ultimately very dismissive toward men. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2015, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684/63 "2015-12-07T23:21:24Z")
I wanted to see if rule 34 was accurate, so I went to a well known porn site and typed in ‘wheelchair’. Was not disappointed. ---
**Author:** ![Do\_Not\_Taunt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/do_not_taunt/32/2968_2.png) [@Do\_Not\_Taunt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Do_Not_Taunt)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2015, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684/64 "2015-12-07T23:31:42Z")
> [@xizor](#): > > So then you spent a lonely Sunday night sending out about 50-60 hello message to people that match your most basic parameters (age and location), and get maybe three responses. > > At this point I gave up 😕 You gave up after you got three responses? Why? Did you not actually have an interest in those women, and just wrote to them as some sort of experiment? Were the responses poorly written? Did they all say, “fuck off, weirdo! i’m only here for the top ten percenters”? ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2015, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684/65 "2015-12-07T23:40:26Z")
> [@Do\_Not\_Taunt](#): > > 😕 > > You gave up after you got three responses? Why? Did you not actually have an interest in those women, and just wrote to them as some sort of experiment? Were the responses poorly written? Did they all say, “fuck off, weirdo! i’m only here for the top ten percenters”? 3 responses is pretty good. Except that those three are usually fake. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2015, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684/66 "2015-12-07T23:42:35Z")
Or the person flakes off after 1-2 messages. Hitting on 100 women to get 1 date is very demoralizing and not really worth it. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2015, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684/67 "2015-12-07T23:51:22Z")
Most of the time when this happens, it involves a trait like height or weight that most people use for screening out but in reality isn’t that critical to a truly desperate person. I could see someone taking the gamble that perhaps their shortcomings can be overlooked in a fit of “well, he/she isn’t _that_ bad”. To an outsider looking in, it’s crazy. But on their end, it only takes one settler to make it worth the effort. I’ve met guys who inflated their heights a good 5 or 6 inches and somehow expected my 5’9 self to either not notice or not care. It’s possible this deception came easy for them because they assumed my stats were fudged too. Me showing up much fatter than advertised would in turn make them feel less guilty for lying to me (and vice versa), thereby allowing us continue to date without either one of feeling entitled to better. I would not be surprised if this kind of thing happened often just enough to keep the habit alive on both sides. ---
**Author:** ![Do\_Not\_Taunt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/do_not_taunt/32/2968_2.png) [@Do\_Not\_Taunt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Do_Not_Taunt)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2015, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684/68 "2015-12-07T23:52:54Z")
So you just ignore the three responses you did get? I mean, I can see being slightly demoralized at the response rate, and I could see reasoning that it wouldn’t be worthwhile to message a fresh 60 women. But I can’t see why you’d drop those three assuming you emailed them earnestly in the first place, their responses didn’t contain new information that was a turnoff, and the responses were generally positive. It sounds like you’re saying ignoring those three responses because you think they may eventually not work out actually makes sense. It does not. ---
**Author:** ![Memnon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f1d935/32.png) [@Memnon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Memnon)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2015, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684/69 "2015-12-08T00:02:42Z")
[QUOTE=xizor] So then you spent a lonely Sunday night sending out about 50-60 hello message to people that match your most basic parameters (age and location), and get maybe three responses. [/QUOTE] Three responses is actually not bad, especially given how many hundreds of messages women get. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2015, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684/70 "2015-12-08T00:05:49Z")
For a long time, I used to receive messages from women on a dating website, typically several per week. I dismissed most if them as spam, fake profiles or ‘robot’ generated messages. Now I’m starting to wonder if those were all real messages from real people after all. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2015, 12:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684/71 "2015-12-08T00:12:47Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > For a long time, I used to receive messages from women on a dating website, typically several per week. I dismissed most if them as spam, fake profiles or ‘robot’ generated messages. > > Now I’m starting to wonder if those were all real messages from real people after all. They’re not. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2015, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684/72 "2015-12-08T00:27:55Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > They’re not. +1 But it can be fun to mess with them sometimes. See how over-the-top you can take it. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2015, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684/73 "2015-12-08T00:30:41Z")
I was on a web site for a few years. I changed my height from an honest 5’7" to 5’8" and got a noticeable difference in responses. Quite a few women assume that me slightly exaggerate the height. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2015, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684/74 "2015-12-08T00:30:51Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > They’re not. Some of them are. I used to message guys first. I found it much more efficient to just contact the guys I like than to wait to see what shows up in the inbox. ---
**Author:** ![Sicks\_Ate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/258eb7/32.png) [@Sicks\_Ate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sicks_Ate)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2015, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684/75 "2015-12-08T00:34:19Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > For a long time, I used to receive messages from women on a dating website, typically several per week. I dismissed most if them as spam, fake profiles or ‘robot’ generated messages. > > Now I’m starting to wonder if those were all real messages from real people after all. Some are fake. Maybe most. One particularly demoralizing evening I decided to reply to one obviously (!) generic bot message just for the hell of it. Nice profile, nice picture…very attractive package. But super, super generic e-mail, didn’t address a single thing about my profile. Just the usual blather. Can’t recall exactly what I said, but it was rather biting considering I thought I was e-mailing a program. Turns out there was a real woman behind the profile. Said something about how lucky she was that I had shown who I really was before she made th mistake of meeting me! Didn’t bother trying to explain myself. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2015, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684/76 "2015-12-08T00:38:33Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > Some of them are. I used to message guys first. I found it much more efficient to just contact the guys I like than to wait to see what shows up in the inbox. Yes but the scammers always share something in common. Whether it be having only one, super attractive, highly polished picture, listing the age range of men they are interested in as some ridiculously wide range like 18-70, or having their profile written in simplistic, broken English (as a blue eyed blonde who grew up in Ohio), you can always spot them if you look. ---
**Author:** ![Stringbean](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Stringbean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stringbean)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2015, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684/77 "2015-12-08T01:05:25Z")
You are swimming in a sea of shit-sharks in the online dating world. Crybaby-ism will guarantee you ain’t gettin’ pussy. Just be friendly, intelligent, and humorous. Like a normal human being. Internet conversations really show one’s conversational skills. This, above all, is what women want to see from you. Can you talk to them, make them laugh, and engage? The deceivers are just wallowed in insecurity, and are ruining it for those of us who are just looking to meet nice women (and fuck them, yes). ---
**Author:** ![actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e79b87/32.png) [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/actualliberalnotoneofthose)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2015, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684/78 "2015-12-08T01:23:13Z")
> [@Onomatopoeia](#): > > I also believe \*\*monstro \*\*is correct. I see many more schlubby guys dating or married to slightly less schlubby women than I do really attractive guys dating or married to any type of woman. The really attractive guys you don’t see are probably dating the schlubby guys’ wives, also. ---
**Author:** ![actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e79b87/32.png) [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/actualliberalnotoneofthose)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2015, 1:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684/79 "2015-12-08T01:34:58Z")
> [@astro](#): > > As someone who has done the net dating thing (generally successfully) a few times the difference is that for many men, women reviewing online profiles are very selective not only on looks, but also a host of other fairly particular items (height, financial status, education, hairline etc.) and you can, and will, be rejected out of hand if these are not just so. \*\*And this is done by both attractive and average looking women. \*\* If a man is good looking enough they will take shot with a non-optimal profile, but average looking guys have a tough go if they do not have compensating attributes. It’s not “fair” but it’s kind of the same way people are wired to choose mates in real life except men don’t get a chance to turn on the personal charm (if they have any play in this area) which is a serious handicap for a lot of average looking guys with attractive personalities. > > With men it’s usually body\>face\>kids yes/no\> estimated maintenance level based on profile\> smoking yes/no. Beyond that most other stuff is negotiable. > > If a man or a woman is very good looking a lot of the other stuff gets shelved. And below-average women, too. IMHO, there are many more women who feel entitled to “date up” when it comes to looks and will reject all men below 7 or so on a 10 scale. Part of this, I think, is the fault of men when it comes to sex. A lot of attractive men will gladly have sex with or accept easy sexual favors from women they would never consider having a relationship with. Said women then pine for the tall, handsome, successful dude she blew one time and hold out hope for “falling in love” and landing one in a LTR. Average looking guys would be happy with average women, but then encounter a laundry list of irrational demands. I’m not saying there aren’t any entitled guys with delusional expectations, either. But I think most men would be happy with an average woman with a pleasant demeanor. ---
**Author:** ![boytyperanma](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4491bb/32.png) [@boytyperanma](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/boytyperanma)\ **Post date:** [December 8, 2015, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684/80 "2015-12-08T02:21:54Z")
I think a lot of people misrepresent their appearance under the concept of it’s what’s on the inside that counts. They think once they get their foot in the door the other person will overlook the transgression and fall in love with the personality. I’ve done plenty of online dating and hook ups. A rule I have for meeting people is it must always be a public place. If I meet them and they weren’t honest with me I’m certainly not going home with them or taking them to my place, trust has been lost. I’ve never stood anyone up, I do tell them why I’m no longer interested. Even if I still found them attractive, dishonesty is a deal breaker. If it’s what’s on the inside that counts that’s great but liars are disgusting inside. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-goal-when-people-grossly-mislead-regarding-their-appearance-in-dating/739684.md?page=5)