# What is the single greatest line in television history? {Please include context & Episode of the Series} **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** tv-shows-scripted\ **Created:** [May 7, 2026, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892 "2026-05-07T16:30:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 16
**Author:** ![Coriolanus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/coriolanus/32/18769_2.png) [@Coriolanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coriolanus)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2026, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/304 "2026-05-23T20:30:29Z")
Greatest _word_? John Cleese: **Luxury!** - Four Yorkshiremen Sketch, At Last the 1948 Show (1967): Tim Brooke-Taylor; John Cleese; Graham Chapman; and Marty Feldman Never performed on the Monty Python show, yet often a staple of their sketch movies with varying casts. ---
**Author:** ![eburacum45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eburacum45/32/8690_2.png) [@eburacum45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eburacum45)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2026, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/305 "2026-05-23T21:07:35Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > Just for the level of disgust it conveys, Derek Jacoby’s line in _ **I, Claudius** _ when John Hurt (as the mad Emperor Caligula) tells him “Now, me—I love _my_ sisters!”: I prefer Claudius’ aside to Drusilla and Herod Agrippa about Caligula. “He’s become a god. (To Drusilla) Oh and you’re a god too. (To Herod) We’re not.” ---
**Author:** ![Sherrerd](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sherrerd/32/8_2.png) [@Sherrerd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sherrerd)\ **Post date:** [May 23, 2026, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/306 "2026-05-23T21:29:01Z")
Also from _I, Claudius_: a young relative of the ruling family has been coughing persistently and irritating Caligula. _Young relative:_ **I have a weak chest. It’s not my fault!** _Caligula:_ **But it’s YOUR CHEST!** (C. later had the kid beheaded.) ---
**Author:** ![sciurophobic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cab0a1/32.png) [@sciurophobic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sciurophobic)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2026, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/307 "2026-05-24T01:25:25Z")
_The Carol Burnett Show_ “Thank you. I saw it in a window and I just couldn’t resist it.” ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2026, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/308 "2026-05-24T05:48:08Z")
_Buffy_: “She’s a hero, you see. She’s not like us.” ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2026, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/309 "2026-05-24T06:24:33Z")
Paraphrased, from _WKRP in Cincinnati_; spoken by Johnny Fever: “When everybody is after you, being paranoid is just good common sense.” ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2026, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/310 "2026-05-24T07:58:31Z")
> [@Sherrerd](#): > > Also from _I, Claudius_: a young relative of the ruling family has been coughing persistently and irritating Caligula. The boy’s name was Gemellus. IIRC, he was another of Tiberius’s adopted sons. Claudius was horrified when he saw Gemellus’s severed head and asked who it was. **Caligula:** (_Nonchalantly_) It’s Gemellus. I’ve cured his cough. ---
**Author:** ![APB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8e8cbc/32.png) [@APB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/APB)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2026, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/311 "2026-05-24T12:05:23Z")
While the _I, Claudius_ ones are all great, none of them quite beats Livia’s comment to Tiberius following Augustus’s death - ‘By the way, don’t touch the figs.’ Brilliant punchline to the most remarkable scene in the whole series. ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2026, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/312 "2026-05-24T12:10:53Z")
> [@sciurophobic](#): > > _The Carol Burnett Show_ > > “Thank you. I saw it in a window and I just couldn’t resist it.” Good choice. I’d forgotten about that one. ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2026, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/313 "2026-05-24T15:13:48Z")
This may be a little long for a “single greatest line”, but the _I, Claudius_ references brought this to my mind: > [Senator](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0043846/?ref_=ttqu_qu): There are those who say you cannot hear properly, you cannot speak properly, and that you’ve got no experience of government > > [Claudius](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001394/?ref_=ttqu_qu): And that I am besides half-witted. Senators, it is true that I am hard of hearing, but you will find it is not for want of listening. As for speaking, again, it’s true I have an impediment. But isn’t what a man says more important than how long he takes to say it? It’s true again I have little experience of government. But then, have you more? I at least have lived with the imperial family who has ruled this empire ever since you so spinelessly handed it over to us. I’ve observed it working more closely than any of you. Is your experience better than that? As for being half-witted, well, what can I say - except that I have survived to middle age with \*half\* my wits, while thousands have died with \*all\* of theirs intact. Evidently, \*quality\* of wits is more important than \*quantity\*. Senators, I shall do nothing unconstitutional; I shall appear at the next session of the senate where you may confirm me in my position or not as you wish. But if it pleases you not to, explain your reasons to them [_points at the Praetorians_] > > [Claudius](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001394/?ref_=ttqu_qu): Not to me. ---
**Author:** ![Guest-starring\_Id](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guest-starring_id/32/21736_2.png) [@Guest-starring\_Id](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guest-starring_Id)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2026, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/314 "2026-05-24T15:31:10Z")
Felix’s finger-wagging Odd Couple trope “Let it be on your head, Oscar.” (also) “hehnck, mengck, mengck, honk…” (Felix’s sinuses acting up) ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2026, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/315 "2026-05-24T15:35:16Z")
A _little_ long? It is thirteen lines in a long paragraph. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2026, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/316 "2026-05-24T15:35:32Z")
Another one from The Odd Couple, “You should never assume, because when you assume, you make an ass of you and me.” ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2026, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/317 "2026-05-24T15:37:53Z")
I remember that courtroom scene! ---
**Author:** ![Guest-starring\_Id](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guest-starring_id/32/21736_2.png) [@Guest-starring\_Id](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guest-starring_Id)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2026, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/318 "2026-05-24T15:53:52Z")
In that scene, preferring Oscar’s chalkboard scold “It’s bail, before jail, so, you better not _fail_!” ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2026, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/319 "2026-05-24T15:58:26Z")
Another from _BtVS_: **Buffy:** _What are you doing here, Spike? 5 words or less._ **Spike:** _Out. For. A. Walk… Bitch._ ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2026, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/320 "2026-05-24T16:50:59Z")
Shower jokes in _ **The Simpsons** _. **1.** Marge to Homer: “I don’t mind you _peeing_ in the shower as long as you’re _taking_ a shower.” **2.** Thinking the alien in the shower is Marge, Homer asks if she wants some company: “I’ll take your silence for consent.” **3.** I can’t remember the line after Homer gets in the shower with the alien, but it had something to do with a tentacle and the Hershey Highway. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2026, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/321 "2026-05-24T17:10:45Z")
WILLOW: “How’d it go?” XANDER: “On a scale of one to ten? It sucked.” ---
**Author:** ![BlankSlate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blankslate/32/80_2.png) [@BlankSlate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlankSlate)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2026, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/322 "2026-05-24T17:44:47Z")
> [@outlierrn](#): > > ‘But she was naked, and all articulate.’ _Firefly_, Mal’s first encounter with YoSafBrig. And, of course, _I’ll be in my bunk_. I know it’s Firefly but I’ve forgotten what spurred it. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [May 24, 2026, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/323 "2026-05-24T17:47:57Z")
Kaylee and Jayne watching Inara welcome her new, _female_ client. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892.md?page=15) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892.md?page=17)