# What is the single greatest line in television history? {Please include context & Episode of the Series} **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Tags:** tv-shows-scripted\ **Created:** [May 7, 2026, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892 "2026-05-07T16:30:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2026, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/83 "2026-05-07T22:01:33Z")
> [@We\_re\_wolves\_not\_werewolves](#): > > “We have to go back Kate”!" > > -Jack from Lost > > reveals that the what we thought was a flashback was actually a flash forward, total WTF moment that was such a great cliff hanger in a great show. Perhaps not a contender for the greatest line in television history but the one I remember from the series Lost was, “Live together, die alone.” (And from Heroes, “Save the cheerleader, save the world.”) ---
**Author:** ![wolfpup](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolfpup/32/10618_2.png) [@wolfpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfpup)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2026, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/84 "2026-05-07T22:02:16Z")
> [@zimaane](#): > > It’s from the puffy shirt episode. Jerry agrees to wear a puffy shirt made by Kramer’s friend because she was a low talker and he didn’t understand what she was saying. When he tries the ridiculous shirt on, Kramer tells him he is going to be a pirate and Jerry says “I don’t want to be a pirate!” > > [Jerry Seinfeld: I don’t wanna be a Pirate, a Cowboy or Switzerland](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iRER1Rbg9_o) That’s probably far from the greatest line in television history, but since we’ll never agree on what the best line is, a compilation of great ones is the way to go, and that’s one of the great ones. The humour is in the perfect unadorned simplicity. Kramer tells Jerry that he’ll be a trendsetting pirate model in the ridiculous puffy shirt, and Jerry simply replies (and it has to written phonetically for proper effect): “But I don’t wanna be a pirate!” IIRC, the “pirate” line was the original, and the “cowboy” and “Switzerland” ones were later copycats. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Stainless\_Steel\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_stainless_steel_rat/32/5727_2.png) [@The\_Stainless\_Steel\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Stainless_Steel_Rat)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2026, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/85 "2026-05-07T22:11:46Z")
One more from _Babylon 5_’, which has many of them. “No boom today. Boom tomorrow. There’s always a boom tomorrow.” There is more to it but I’m trying to keep to a single line. And while context may be important, I think this line can stand by itself, given past and present day life. Susan Ivonova was a very practical woman. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2026, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/86 "2026-05-07T22:24:15Z")
I’ve never watched Babylon 5 and that line means nothing to me. The real test is to recite the line to someone unfamiliar with the show. ---
**Author:** ![Mahaloth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mahaloth/32/1079_2.png) [@Mahaloth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mahaloth)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2026, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/87 "2026-05-07T22:46:14Z")
> [@Superdude](#): > > “Who are you? How did you get in here?” > “I’m a locksmith, and…I’m a locksmith.” A great line from the show, but I also would nominate: “We would have come earlier, ma’am, but your husband wasn’t dead then.” ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2026, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/88 "2026-05-07T23:22:30Z")
> [@Shoeless](#): > > There was an old sitcom with Matt Frewer called “Doctor Doctor” that ran for a couple of years. One line that has always stuck with me was when someone accidentally spilled a cup of coffee in his lap and he said “Boy, I hope that was decaf or I’m going to be up all night!” Another classic is this exchange: The group are in a light plane that’s crashing: “What do we do?” “Depends.” “Depends on what?” “Depends, the adult diaper.” But for my money, the greatest line is: I’m the Doctor. I’m a Time Lord. I’m from the planet Gallifrey in the Constellation of Kasterborous. I’m 903 years old and I’m the man who is gonna save your lives and all 6 billion people on the planet below. You got a problem with that? ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2026, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/89 "2026-05-07T23:50:33Z")
> [@Civil\_Guy](#): > > Buddy Hacket, not Buddy Hackman (I think). Oops. Still counts. Wins the thread (so far) in my view. ---
**Author:** ![silenus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/silenus/32/166_2.png) [@silenus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/silenus)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2026, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/90 "2026-05-07T23:51:45Z")
Babylon 5: “What do you want?” “I’d like to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it on a pike as a warning to the next ten generations that some favors come with too high a price. I’d look up at your lifeless eyes and wave like this. Can you and your associates arrange it for me, Mr. Morden?” **Morden** and **Vir** , _In the Shadow of Z’ha’dum_ ---
**Author:** ![blondebear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blondebear/32/1022_2.png) [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2026, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/91 "2026-05-07T23:53:02Z")
> [@Dewey\_Finn](#): > > Mammal. You’d think a marine biologist would know a whale is a mammal. But no, George says “fish”, thus blowing his cover. He does save the golf ball-afflicted creature, so you have to give him credit for that. ---
**Author:** ![TreacherousCretin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/treacherouscretin/32/476_2.png) [@TreacherousCretin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TreacherousCretin)\ **Post date:** [May 7, 2026, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/92 "2026-05-07T23:54:05Z")
> [@mbh](#): > > When Ed Ames appeared on the show, he was playing a Native American character on _Daniel Boone_. Ames mentioned that he had to learn tomahawk-throwing for the role, and Johnny brought out a tomahawk and a human-shaped target. Ames threw the hatchet . . . . and struck the target in the groin. Johnny said, “I didn’t know you were Jewish!” This is the first thing I thought of, but the OP specified “scripted” lines. ---
**Author:** ![billy-jack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac91a4/32.png) [@billy-jack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billy-jack)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2026, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/93 "2026-05-08T00:04:47Z")
Johnny Carson’s reply to Zha Zha Gabor. Zha Zha: Would you like to pet my pussy? Johnny: Sure. Move the cat. That was the main topic of conversation on our 45 minute ride to school the next morning and was frequently brought up all that day. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2026, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/94 "2026-05-08T00:05:32Z")
> [@sciurophobic](#): > > "Lieutenant Colonel Henry Blake’s plane was shot down over the Sea of Japan… it spun in. There were no survivors”. My first thought. I guess I’ll go with: “It’s a cookbook!” ---
**Author:** ![Stratocaster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stratocaster/32/16393_2.png) [@Stratocaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stratocaster)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2026, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/95 "2026-05-08T00:10:45Z")
Almost certainly apocryphal. ---
**Author:** ![penultima\_thule](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penultima_thule/32/3833_2.png) [@penultima\_thule](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/penultima_thule)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2026, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/96 "2026-05-08T00:18:18Z")
The Aunty Jack Show (in the losing credits of every episode) Aunty Jack (Grahame Bond) _“If you don’t tune in next week, I’ll jump through your TV screen and rip your bloody arms off!”_ Rest of cast: _“And she will too.”_ ---
**Author:** ![blondebear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blondebear/32/1022_2.png) [@blondebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blondebear)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2026, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/97 "2026-05-08T00:21:57Z")
I don’t know where it rates in the terms of “greatest”, but James Kirk’s real-world reality check to the young space castaway in “Charlie X” has always been one of my favorite lines in Star Trek. > _There are a million things in this universe you can have and a million things you can’t have. It’s no fun facing that, but that’s the way things are._ ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2026, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/98 "2026-05-08T00:25:12Z")
If only it had really happened, it would have been funny. ---
**Author:** ![billy-jack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac91a4/32.png) [@billy-jack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billy-jack)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2026, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/99 "2026-05-08T00:27:40Z")
Nope. It happened. Zha Zha filed a lawsuit about a week or two later. With a god newspaper archive, you could probably find it, if you looked long enough. I also remember sitting on my grandparent’s screened porch reading the paper while eating lunch one day that June or July that the lawsuit had been dismissed. (We used to come in from the fields to her house to eat lunch back then.) There was also a Time magazine article during that time period that talked about the fireworks that showed up with Zha Zha appeared on the Tonight Show. Note that no news source at the time would be so crass as to repeat the remarks. All of us knew what they were talking about though. It really did happen. ---
**Author:** ![Dewey\_Finn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dewey_finn/32/4222_2.png) [@Dewey\_Finn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dewey_Finn)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2026, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/100 "2026-05-08T00:30:41Z")
[Snopes says](https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/carson-cat-remark/) it’s false. ---
**Author:** ![Stratocaster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stratocaster/32/16393_2.png) [@Stratocaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stratocaster)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2026, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/101 "2026-05-08T00:31:37Z")
Not according to Snopes: > **[Did Johnny Carson Make a Risqué Remark About a Guest's Cat?](https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/carson-cat-remark/)** > > A purported quip by 'Tonight Show' host Johnny Carson regarding Zsa Zsa Gabor and her cat has become one of the most infamous of broadcast legends. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2026, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892/102 "2026-05-08T00:34:39Z")
Nope, it didn’t. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-the-single-greatest-line-in-television-history-please-include-context-episode-of-the-series/1029892.md?page=6)