# What is your opinion of this comment: consentual sex and rape **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 11, 2020, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-your-opinion-of-this-comment-consentual-sex-and-rape/846262 "2020-01-11T05:20:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2020, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-your-opinion-of-this-comment-consentual-sex-and-rape/846262/1 "2020-01-11T05:20:19Z")
“Men shame women for having a lot of consensual sex more than they shame other men for rape.” ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2020, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-your-opinion-of-this-comment-consentual-sex-and-rape/846262/2 "2020-01-11T05:27:42Z")
Reported for subject change. Should be concensuial sex and rape. ---
**Author:** ![Turek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/turek/32/18782_2.png) [@Turek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turek)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2020, 9:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-your-opinion-of-this-comment-consentual-sex-and-rape/846262/3 "2020-01-11T09:00:51Z")
Bullshit. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2020, 9:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-your-opinion-of-this-comment-consentual-sex-and-rape/846262/4 "2020-01-11T09:14:24Z")
I’m pretty sure it doesn’t apply to me or anyone that I know. I can only assume that the OP sees some merit in it because their experience is different. ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2020, 9:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-your-opinion-of-this-comment-consentual-sex-and-rape/846262/5 "2020-01-11T09:36:52Z")
Considering people get sent to prison for rape, it’s total BS. And now I fully expect page and pages of thoughtful, polite posts. ---
**Author:** ![septimus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/septimus/32/410_2.png) [@septimus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/septimus)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2020, 10:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-your-opinion-of-this-comment-consentual-sex-and-rape/846262/6 "2020-01-11T10:46:56Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > “Men shame women for having a lot of consensual sex more than they shame other men for rape.” If you had written “_Some_ men _seem to_ shame women for having a lot of consensual sex _almost_ more than they shame other men for rape.” then I and others might find much merit in the observation and discussion would focus on this unfortunate truth. But you didn’t. Discussion in the thread will focus on the fact that the comment in thread title is an exaggeration which isn’t literally true. ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2020, 11:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-your-opinion-of-this-comment-consentual-sex-and-rape/846262/7 "2020-01-11T11:10:57Z")
Some men doubtless think that rape is impossible since it’s a women’s duty to have sex on command. Some men no doubt think murder is justified on the basis of might is right. Some women no doubt agree with the above takes. Some women undoubtedly believe that all men ar A actual or potential rapists. Let’s not take an extreme position and consider it the default or standard belief. ---
**Author:** ![I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/i_love_me_vol.i/32/521_2.png) [@I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_Love_Me_Vol.I)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2020, 11:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-your-opinion-of-this-comment-consentual-sex-and-rape/846262/8 "2020-01-11T11:36:01Z")
This is strange to me because I consider those two things in very separate categories. Rape is a violent crime against a person whereas the amount of consensual sex one has is a personal preference that is perfectly legal. I don’t think you should shame anyone over the amount of sex they choose to have but at least it makes some kind of sense even if it’s wrong. But the idea of shaming someone for rape just seems bizarre to me. It’s like: “Oh Johnny raped his classmate the other day. Rather poor form, wouldn’t you say? Such a scamp! His family must be so embarrassed! I say, let’s not invite him to our barbecue.” My opinion of the statement in the OP is that it doesn’t even make sense to me because the two behaviors are fundamentally different in the effects they have on innocent people. ---
**Author:** ![Weedy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/weedy/32/301_2.png) [@Weedy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weedy)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2020, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-your-opinion-of-this-comment-consentual-sex-and-rape/846262/9 "2020-01-11T16:34:58Z")
I think as far as proven-in-court rape goes, men in general have never been okay with that. It used to be that things might happen that were actually pretty rape-y, but men wouldn’t really criticize, maybe might even applaud the behaviour. And women definitely got shamed a lot for having too much sex. But I think both those attitudes are changing now. They probably still happen, but to a much lesser extent. Shaming women for having too much sex, is that still a thing? I feel like society has gotten over that. Calling out men for bad behaviour is something that happens more and more. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2020, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-your-opinion-of-this-comment-consentual-sex-and-rape/846262/10 "2020-01-11T16:47:12Z")
I think Weedy is dead on. When I was growing up, in the late 90s, pretty rapey behavior was at least tolerated. It was outright celebrated in movies and pop culture, and while the sa came sort of thing in real life might make dudes uncomfortable with their friend, it wouldn’t be a reason to actually cut him out of their social circle. But being a slut could close doors. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2020, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-your-opinion-of-this-comment-consentual-sex-and-rape/846262/11 "2020-01-11T17:05:34Z")
It is a total bullshit statement. It’s something that someone posted on Facebook and I disagreed with. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2020, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-your-opinion-of-this-comment-consentual-sex-and-rape/846262/12 "2020-01-11T17:06:11Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > “Men shame women for having a lot of consensual sex more than they shame other men for rape.” Among my reactions to this statement are: 1. “Cite?” I.e. Who is saying this, and what are they basing it on? 2. To “shame” other men for rape seems… disproportionate. If I knew that a man was a rapist, I wouldn’t say, “Tsk tsk, he should be ashamed of himself.” I would say, “Holy crap, he raped somebody. He should be locked up.” 3. I’m curious: Do men shame women for having a lot of consensual sex more than other women shame women for having a lot of consensual sex? ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2020, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-your-opinion-of-this-comment-consentual-sex-and-rape/846262/13 "2020-01-11T18:22:34Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > It is a total bullshit statement. It’s something that someone posted on Facebook and I disagreed with. At the risk of hijacking the topic, I cannot recall a single thing said on Facebook, that was worth repeating/sharing. Seriously, why even? /hijack ---
**Author:** ![AK84](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85e7bf/32.png) [@AK84](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AK84)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2020, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-your-opinion-of-this-comment-consentual-sex-and-rape/846262/14 "2020-01-11T18:59:22Z")
And WTF is “rapey”? It’s either rape or it’s not. No consent=rape, consent=not rape. ---
**Author:** ![Two\_Many\_Cats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/8dc957/32.png) [@Two\_Many\_Cats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Two_Many_Cats)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2020, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-your-opinion-of-this-comment-consentual-sex-and-rape/846262/15 "2020-01-11T19:36:51Z")
> [@AK84](#): > > And WTF is “rapey”? It’s either rape or it’s not. > No consent=rape, consent=not rape. I think it’s a term for sexual harassment in the form of catcalling, groping, etc. Sometimes, groups of men would find this a fun thing to do. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2020, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-your-opinion-of-this-comment-consentual-sex-and-rape/846262/16 "2020-01-11T21:49:43Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I think Weedy is dead on. When I was growing up, in the late 90s, pretty rapey behavior was at least tolerated. It was outright celebrated in movies and pop culture This. The point is not that most men would consciously think _“Wow, that guy is actually a rapist, but eh, no big deal, I’m okay with that”_. I don’t think anybody is making that claim. The point is that a lot of aggressively non-consensual sexual behavior on the part of men, at least up until very recently, has simply not been culturally perceived as rape, even when the law would consider it such. Remember the character in the 1984 movie _Revenge of the Nerds_ who disguises himself as the boyfriend of his crush in order to trick her into sex? Yup, that’s actually rape. Did the moviemakers present it as rape, did audiences view it as rape, did anybody shame the character who committed it? Nope. The issue is not that men consciously approve of the crime of rape: the vast majority of men don’t. The issue is that men (and women too, naturally) are routinely socialized to consider that many, many, many situations where a man has sex with a nonconsenting woman simply don’t “really count” as rape. And they’re also socialized to consider that sexual promiscuity in a woman is bad and “slutty”, whereas sexual promiscuity in a man is allowable and virile. Which is how you get a lot of men more readily shaming women for “sluttiness” than shaming other men for rape. They’re just socially conditioned to find “sluttiness” easier to spot than many rape situations are. ---
**Author:** ![Kimstu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/ecd19e/32.png) [@Kimstu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimstu)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2020, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-your-opinion-of-this-comment-consentual-sex-and-rape/846262/17 "2020-01-11T22:02:06Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > 1. I’m curious: Do men shame women for having a lot of consensual sex more than other women shame women for having a lot of consensual sex? I’m not sure, but AFAICT, it’s more usual for men than women to be outright hypocrites about it. That is, women who don’t object in principle to a lot of consensual sex, and/or who engage in a lot of consensual sex themselves, typically don’t disparage other women for having a lot of consensual sex. But there are a lot of men who have or want to have a lot of consensual sex, who will do all they can to encourage women to have a lot of consensual sex with them, and then join right in with their male friends in making fun of the woman they just had sex with, for being “slutty”. Again, it’s the societal double standard that holds that sexual promiscuity in a woman is bad and “slutty”, whereas sexual promiscuity in a man is allowable and virile. Women have always had to worry that complying with a man’s earnest pleas for sex will end with his subjecting her to humiliation and contempt, which is why _“will you respect me in the morning?”_ was already a catchphrase back in your great-grandfather’s day. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2020, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-your-opinion-of-this-comment-consentual-sex-and-rape/846262/18 "2020-01-11T22:55:20Z")
Look at the stereotype of the[gun-toting father](https://melmagazine.com/en-us/story/the-fully-loaded-history-of-the-gun-toting-dad-greeting-his-daughters-date)who has assigned himself responsibility for protecting his daughters’ precious virginity. Does this father make it his responsibility to keep his sons in line? I don’t know of any pop culture tropes featuring fathers who violently threaten their own sons with violence for sexually predatory behavior. If they are out there, maybe someone can share them? In the absence of such tropes, it certainly sends the message “sexual daughters=horrific; sexual sons=not a problem whatsoever”. When you layer on the message that “boys who have sex with daughter are inherently predatory as nature has decreed”, this results in the normalization of sexually predatory male behavior. The boy who tries to get his date as drunk as possible so he can put the moves on her is just acting like a horn dog, not a rapist. His conduct isn’t shamed the same way the girl who is outed as sleeping with him is. Attitudes are changing but not enough to make the OP’s quote complete bullshit. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2020, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-your-opinion-of-this-comment-consentual-sex-and-rape/846262/19 "2020-01-11T23:09:29Z")
> [@I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](#): > > This is strange to me because I consider those two things in very separate categories. Rape is a violent crime against a person whereas the amount of consensual sex one has is a personal preference that is perfectly legal. > > I don’t think you should shame anyone over the amount of sex they choose to have but at least it makes some kind of sense even if it’s wrong. > > But the idea of shaming someone for rape just seems bizarre to me. It’s like: “Oh Johnny raped his classmate the other day. Rather poor form, wouldn’t you say? Such a scamp! His family must be so embarrassed! I say, let’s not invite him to our barbecue.” > > My opinion of the statement in the OP is that it doesn’t even make sense to me because the two behaviors are fundamentally different in the effects they have on innocent people. That’s pretty much exactly what I was about to write, so I will quote and agree. Took me a while to even comprehend the OP’s sentence might actually mean, because it hit me like one of those questions that are specifically written to make no sense (e.g. “Which is softer: a fridge, or November?” ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [January 11, 2020, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-your-opinion-of-this-comment-consentual-sex-and-rape/846262/20 "2020-01-11T23:10:52Z")
> [@Weedy](#): > > I think as far as proven-in-court rape goes, men in general have never been okay with that. > > It used to be that things might happen that were actually pretty rape-y, but men wouldn’t really criticize, maybe might even applaud the behaviour. And women definitely got shamed a lot for having too much sex. But I think both those attitudes are changing now. They probably still happen, but to a much lesser extent. Shaming women for having too much sex, is that still a thing? I feel like society has gotten over that. Calling out men for bad behaviour is something that happens more and more. This. As for fathers who think it’s their duty to be the guardian of their daughters’ chastity or even safety…I’ve never thought that was healthy, nor especially prudent. What happens when this girl who has always had a protector no longer has one? I mean, that’s exactly the opposite of teaching them that their body is THEIR body to give or protect as they see fit; and it doesn’t teach them what a predator looks like and how to deal with one. Stewpid. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-is-your-opinion-of-this-comment-consentual-sex-and-rape/846262.md?page=2)