# What I've learned from classic video games **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [November 18, 2004, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424 "2004-11-18T05:32:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/1 "2004-11-18T05:32:48Z")
Recently I’ve been replaying some of the more classic video games like Mario and Zelda and such and there’s a couple things I’ve noticed. -Bad guys may have big, impressive fortresses with big imposing gates, but they never bother to actually lock said gates. If they do, they have a tendency to leave an etremely obvious point of entry that makes the gate useless. This phemoeon has continued into the present day of video games. -Said fortresses often have floor plans that make no sense whatsoever. Not even to MC Escher. -Italian plumbers have fat asses and hard heads, which is why Mario is able to do so much by using his body as a projectile. Converly, Elf warriors(Link) are rather wussy, relying on magic weapons to get much of anything done. -Princesses may be kidnapped again and again, but they never bother to hire some elite guards to protect them. I believe that this means one of several things. 1. Said princesses suffer from stockholm syndrome and really like their kidnappers. 2. Said princesses have no other way to get the hero’s attention. 3. Princesses are stupid, naive or masochistic. 4. Video game designers have no new ideas. -Coins are found in the oddest places, with no apparent origin and there is sometimes nothing to spend them on. -Blocks are randomly distributed in the oddest places and contain strange things…coins, mushrooms, flowers, etc. Feel free to add more. Doesn’t have to be classic video games though. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/2 "2004-11-18T06:00:29Z")
The only form of armor ever used by good guys, and frequently the only weapon as well, is thick-soled shoes. If any other part of a good guy contacts any part of an enemy, the good guy will be injured or killed, without any harm to the enemy. If, however, the soles of a good guy’s shoes make contact with an enemy, the situation will be reversed. ---
**Author:** ![LeeshaJoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e8cbc/32.png) [@LeeshaJoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LeeshaJoy)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 6:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/3 "2004-11-18T06:13:42Z")
Forget what Lewis Caroll said. Both sides of the mushroom will make you grow taller. Unless it’s green, then it’ll just give you an extra life. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 6:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/4 "2004-11-18T06:16:07Z")
Nobody really minds if you walk into their house and rifle through their cedar chests and closets and such. Actually, they’ll just stand there and watch you do it, because they’re so wrapped up in what they have to tell you about the cave in the nearby mountains that they don’t have time for petty blather like “Stop! Thief!” ---
**Author:** ![Manatee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/50afbb/32.png) [@Manatee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Manatee)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/5 "2004-11-18T06:24:07Z")
From Missile Command, Centipede, and a host of others: No matter what you do, no matter how good you are, eventually you’re effed. ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/6 "2004-11-18T06:44:32Z")
Never underestimate how fast the ghosts will flash from blue back to their regular colors. ---
**Author:** ![Arch\_Trout](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9f8e36/32.png) [@Arch\_Trout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arch_Trout)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 8:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/7 "2004-11-18T08:00:57Z")
Mario - Ghosts only attack you when your back is turned. Bowser will always try to kidnap the princess and kill Mario and Luigi, the only way around this is to set up a karting, golf or tennis tournament then Bowser will happily play along. ---
**Author:** ![armedmonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/d6d6ee/32.png) [@armedmonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/armedmonkey)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 8:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/8 "2004-11-18T08:01:50Z")
Dig Dug: The most powerful weapon against underground monsters is a bicycle pump. If more people carried these simple tools about their person, there would be far fewer C.H.U.D. related casualties. Joust: An ostrich could kick the crap out of Pegasus. ---
**Author:** ![Achren](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/898d66/32.png) [@Achren](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Achren)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 8:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/9 "2004-11-18T08:33:23Z")
only you can save humanity’s future ---
**Author:** ![The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a87d85/32.png) [@The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_King_of_Soup)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 8:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/10 "2004-11-18T08:48:31Z")
It takes very steady hands, but you can position the paddles so the ball will bounce horizontally between them long enough for you to leave the game unattended and go get a sandwich or something. I can’t tell you how often this has come in handy for me. ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 8:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/11 "2004-11-18T08:49:13Z")
The Tomb Raider series: all cultures across all times, from the Egyptians to the Incans to the Polynesians to the builders of the London Underground employed the same firm of architects: their trademark was the inaccessibly placed switch, which will open a door somewhere but only at the expense of activating a number of fiendish traps - collapsing floors, swinging pendulums, jets of flame, spiked ceilings - which must be negotiated in order to reach it. Sadly, this trend has not persisted to the present day, or I might be tempted to subscribe to House And Garden. ---
**Author:** ![Freejooky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ba8739/32.png) [@Freejooky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freejooky)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 9:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/12 "2004-11-18T09:14:30Z")
Though you’ve been commissioned to save the kingdom/world/princess, you’ll only be given a club/small sword, leather armor, and enough money to buy either one healing potion or one weak shield. ---
**Author:** ![passengerpigeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/58f4c7/32.png) [@passengerpigeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/passengerpigeon)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 9:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/13 "2004-11-18T09:25:37Z")
The reward for a job well done is the same job over from the beginning, but faster. On a related note, it is impossible to effectively imprison a gorilla; no matter how many times you make him fall on his head, he will always break right back out of his cage, steal your girlfriend, and take her to the top of a very poorly designed construction site. –p ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 10:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/14 "2004-11-18T10:39:08Z")
Space Invaders: Aliens have no concept of military strategy nor do they need it. The relentless alien wave tactic invariably triumphs over even the nimblest of swift moving good guys. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Miskatonic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mr.miskatonic/32/310_2.png) [@Mr.Miskatonic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Miskatonic)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/15 "2004-11-18T11:44:55Z")
A steak or other meal found on the ground will heal that festering, bleeding gunshot or sword wound you just recieved. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 12:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/16 "2004-11-18T12:18:19Z")
> [@Middlecase](#): > > The Tomb Raider series: all cultures across all times, from the Egyptians to the Incans to the Polynesians **to the builders of the London Underground** employed the same firm of architects: their trademark was the inaccessibly placed switch, which will open a door somewhere but only at the expense of activating a number of fiendish traps - collapsing floors, swinging pendulums, jets of flame, spiked ceilings - which must be negotiated in order to reach it. This explains a lot about my morning commute. “Mind the gap” indeed… ---
**Author:** ![Uvula\_Donor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e19adc/32.png) [@Uvula\_Donor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uvula_Donor)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/17 "2004-11-18T12:45:54Z")
There are no problems that a really \*huge \* hammer can’t fix. (Donkey Kong) ---
**Author:** ![Merijeek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f05b48/32.png) [@Merijeek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merijeek)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 12:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/18 "2004-11-18T12:52:03Z")
While Our Hero may be able to slay dragons with a butter knife, shoot lightning bolts from his eyes, and carries enough wealth to buy a small kingdom, he still can’t swim across a river. Instead, he needs to use the bridge. Of course, that bridge is guarded by a gnome Our Hero could easily kill, or even walk past, but instead Our Hero will be forced to go on a months-long quest to get the gnome his doodad. -Joe ---
**Author:** ![shijinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@shijinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shijinn)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/19 "2004-11-18T12:56:40Z")
doors. they’re nigh invincible but doors have them stumped. that, or a waist high fence they can’t jump over. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/20 "2004-11-18T12:57:00Z")
Feathers allow you to fly… with a cape. Every treasure you find, you _must_ hold it aloft with your mouth agape. Whenever you discover a secret, a door opens, a chest appears, and very familiar chimes play. Ocarinas are invaluable tools. Whenever you receive a new weapon, and learn to use it, you will shortly encounter a large enemy, who is vulnerable to that weapon. How lucky for you! If you do manage to steal something from your local store, you will be forever known as “Thief”. To everyone. Even people you’ve never met. Never, ever, \*never, ever \* attack chickens. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424.md?page=2)