# What I've learned from classic video games **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [November 18, 2004, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424 "2004-11-18T05:32:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![SmHodge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dec6dc/32.png) [@SmHodge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmHodge)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/21 "2004-11-18T16:00:17Z")
> [@Anastasaeon](#): > > Never, ever, \*never, ever \* attack chickens. I was about to make a tasteless joke about how Link works at KFC chicken plant or something, but maybe not. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/22 "2004-11-18T16:24:43Z")
LodeRunner: If you bury someone alive, you can take all their money. Zork: Always leave a nightlight on, lest a grue eat you. ---
**Author:** ![Tentacle\_Monster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba9def/32.png) [@Tentacle\_Monster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tentacle_Monster)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/23 "2004-11-18T16:27:20Z")
> [@Tapioca Dextrin](#): > > Aliens have no concept of military strategy nor do they need it. The relentless alien wave tactic invariably triumphs over even the nimblest of swift moving good guys. \Increase speed! Reverse direction!\ ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 4:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/24 "2004-11-18T16:36:22Z")
> [@Manatee](#): > > No matter what you do, no matter how good you are, eventually you’re effed. On the other hand, no matter how effed you are, you can always start over. Also, Thinking of doing something really stupid or dangerous? Go right ahead—just remember to save your progress first! Hurry up and do what you have to do, before Evil Otto shows up. ---
**Author:** ![Chairman\_Pow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/838e76/32.png) [@Chairman\_Pow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chairman_Pow)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/25 "2004-11-18T16:44:00Z")
> [@The King of Soup](#): > > It takes very steady hands, but you can position the paddles so the ball will bounce horizontally between them long enough for you to leave the game unattended and go get a sandwich or something. I can’t tell you how often this has come in handy for me. I will never understand people who play two player games against themselves. Bobby Fischer excepted. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/26 "2004-11-18T16:49:15Z")
If it isn’t nailed down, take it. ---
**Author:** ![Anonymous\_Coward](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/94ad74/32.png) [@Anonymous\_Coward](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anonymous_Coward)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/27 "2004-11-18T16:54:13Z")
Hamsters and microwaves don’t mix. It doesn’t matter how long you go forward or how many tanks and UFOs you blow up, you can’t reach the mountains. ---
**Author:** ![Incubus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c68b51/32.png) [@Incubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Incubus)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/28 "2004-11-18T17:03:58Z")
Hoodlums have little strategy when it comes to attacking vigilantes and will often just slowly creep toward them. Maybe some guy in a blazer will charge after the hero, but it only seems to be the blazer-wearing guys who do that. Generally there’s also some fat guys present to attempt to belly flop on said vigilante. Fortunately these nogoodniks always kind of crowd around in such a way that one well-placed jump kick will knock them all down like a bunch of bowling pins. You’d think these guys get together and mutually agree on who does what Boss: Okay, mohawk guy, I want you to grab the vigilante from behind and… Mohawk: Hell no, that’s gay! I wanna hit him with my pipe. Boss: No, only Transvestite Man gets to hit people with pipes. Hobo: What do you want me to do? Boss: Well, lets see, nobody does anything fire-related, so I want you to douse yourself in whiskey, set yourself ablaze, and run after the vigilante. 3 guys with knives: Then we can stab em! Boss: No, you run up, throw you knives, then run away. 3 guys: …and stab him? Boss: I SAID NO! And if you get hit, just…play dead. 3 guys: Wait, why the hell is our lifebars so small?! Yours is long. And its GREEN. Are you compensating for something?! Boss: Back off. Or I’ll throttle you very slowly until you die of aspyxiation 5 minutes later. Goon: You sure its okay if I park here? I heard there’s some guy that’s been trashing everything in sight. Boss:Yeah its fine. Goon: Because…I only have liability insurance, and I just bought this car last week. Boss: ITS FINE! :mad: ---
**Author:** ![paulberserker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c4cdca/32.png) [@paulberserker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/paulberserker)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/29 "2004-11-18T17:08:51Z")
Yep, you’ve been commisioned to save the world from Demons coming atcha from another dimension, but all you’ll ever get equipped with is a 9mm and a hundred rounds. People flash when they die. Lil Dinosaurs cry quite a lot. ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/30 "2004-11-18T17:21:08Z")
Bad guys don’t keep their keys on a, you know, keychain. They randomly disperse them throughout their lair where any Joe Hero can find them. Killing rodents and other small mammals can net you full sets of armor and halberds. When travelling across the Great American West in order to settle down in the Pacific Northwest, traders and merchants are pathetically stupid. Oftentimes, you can trade them 1 ox for 2 oxen. You know an enemy is nearby if the music picks up its pace. ---
**Author:** ![SmHodge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dec6dc/32.png) [@SmHodge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmHodge)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/31 "2004-11-18T17:45:35Z")
From Metroid: Bombs make you FLY. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/32 "2004-11-18T17:57:11Z")
If there is only one character with hair cooler than yours, he is your enemy. ---
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/33 "2004-11-18T19:07:00Z")
> [@paulberserker](#): > > People flash when they die. Or decompose into a pile of molecules in a matter of seconds, rendering them invisible and without any substance. > [@Zsofia](#): > > Nobody really minds if you walk into their house and rifle through their cedar chests and closets and such. Actually, they’ll just stand there and watch you do it, because they’re so wrapped up in what they have to tell you about the cave in the nearby mountains that they don’t have time for petty blather like “Stop! Thief!” I thought _Knights of the Old Republic_ handled this fairly well in one scene. When you first arrive or Taris, and are leaving your hideout for the first time, you can encounter a woman named Dia. When you first walk into her apartment, she yells at you. When you tell her you’re sorry, and was just investigating the area, she lectures you on how rude it is to just waltz into people’s houses. Oh, another lesson worth passing along: If you EVER have the chance, kill the strange kid you encounter who’s stowed away with your party. They’ll only cause you trouble down the road. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Carnage](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/max_carnage/32/12775_2.png) [@Max\_Carnage](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Carnage)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/34 "2004-11-18T19:40:39Z")
> [@Incubus](#): > > Goon: You sure its okay if I park here? I heard there’s some guy that’s been trashing everything in sight. > > Boss:Yeah its fine. > > Goon: Because…I only have liability insurance, and I just bought this car last week. > > Boss: ITS FINE! :mad: 😃 I don’t know whether it’s sad or wonderful that I know where all of these come from. ---
**Author:** ![chrisk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6de8d8/32.png) [@chrisk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chrisk)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/35 "2004-11-18T19:54:14Z")
> [@Gyrate](#): > > Zork: Always leave a nightlight on, lest a grue eat you. Can’t you sleep in the dark, in zork, with perfect grue safety?? I thought it was just trying to MOVE AROUND in the dark that attracted grues from who-knew-where. (Thus carrying a flashlight with you to sleep is sufficient.) I was about to say, leave a flashlight in the bedside table, but when it’s dark in ZORK, you cannot pick up or manipulate anything that you’re not already carrying, can you? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![shijinn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@shijinn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shijinn)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/36 "2004-11-18T20:02:29Z")
a blue key goes to the blue door, a red key goes to the red door, a green key … ---
**Author:** ![LordVor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/90ced4/32.png) [@LordVor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LordVor)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/37 "2004-11-18T20:11:13Z")
> [@Anastasaeon](#): > > Never, ever, \*never, ever \* attack chickens. Unless you’re a hedgehog, and the chicken has a gun. Space Invaders: Shields just get in the way. -lv ---
**Author:** ![dwc1970](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a183cd/32.png) [@dwc1970](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dwc1970)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/38 "2004-11-18T21:21:29Z")
Big, jagged-edged holes mysteriously open and close at regular intervals in the middle of the jungle. Vines swing continuously without gravity ever slowing them down. Logs also continously roll through the jungle. Alligators always sit in groups of three in swamps and open and close their mouths in pefect sync. You can get across such a swamp by hopping onto the alligator heads, and as long as their mouths are closed they won’t bother you a bit. Random treasures can be found right out in the open in the jungle. ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Some\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ad7895/32.png) [@Just\_Some\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Some_Guy)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/39 "2004-11-18T21:50:36Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > If it isn’t nailed down, take it. If it is nailed down, you need to find the claw hammer before continuing. ---
**Author:** ![duffer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duffer/32/1026_2.png) [@duffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/duffer)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2004, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/40 "2004-11-18T22:24:37Z")
If you’re a circus performer and have to move the see-saw to catch your partner so he can shoot you in the sky, you can kill up to 5 co-workers before being fired. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424.md?page=3)