# What I've learned from classic video games **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [November 18, 2004, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424 "2004-11-18T05:32:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Pixiesnix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/898d66/32.png) [@Pixiesnix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pixiesnix)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2004, 9:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/81 "2004-11-20T09:48:33Z")
> [@](#): > > All mansions or police stations are designed by deranged architects who hide devices for opening doors or operating machinery throughout the building. They usually secure them by way of convoluted puzzles, such as a statue holding a red jewel that will release the jewel if you push two other statues onto metal gratings on opposite ends of the room. Once you get the jewel, you need to insert it into another statue in another room in the police station to get a key, which you can then use to open a door somewhere else in the building. Key-heads are usually made in the shape of card suits or swords and armor. I’d hate to be in one of those places and have to find the bathroom. ---
**Author:** ![PaulFitzroy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/2acd7d/32.png) [@PaulFitzroy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PaulFitzroy)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2004, 10:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/82 "2004-11-20T10:01:35Z")
The bathroom always has a zombie in it. And there’s always a bath filled with water, and you have to pull the plug and it reveals a key. ---
**Author:** ![MonkeyMule](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9fc348/32.png) [@MonkeyMule](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MonkeyMule)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2004, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/83 "2004-11-20T16:47:07Z")
> [@Superdude](#): > > Actually, several times in GTA 3 and Vice City, when you appraoch cars (and not just police vehicles), they WILL be locked, and you can’t use them. This however does not stop you from blowing them up out of spite, followed by a random hooker slaying. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2004, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/84 "2004-11-20T19:36:31Z")
Air ducts/vents are always big enough to crawl or walk through, even carrying a ton of supplies and equipment. This is particulary true for secret military facilites and such network of vents will always take you at least very close to where you want to go. You will rarely be heard or seen while crawling through said vents. Your two dimensional world boasts obstacles that have no apparent purpose and often hang in the sky with no support or reason at all. If you lived in a three dimensional world, no doubt you could easily just walk around them, but you don’t so you can’t. In addition, your entire world is often very linear. Zelda games: Eating faries will heal you and/or restore your magic. This may be why faries are so rare. Zelda 2: For once there is a road system that is safe from monsters, but it is not only in a bad repair, lacking in many places, but huge rocks keep blocking the roads. A hammer can break said rocks easily, but alas, there is only one hammer in the kingdom and it’s at the bottom of a hell hole off in the middle of nowhere. No one has ever thought of cornering the market by making hammers. In any given town, Random women will invite you into their house for sex, restoring your life or magic. [Qaugmire] Alllllllll Right! [/Qaugmire] NPC’s spend all their time waiting for you to talk to them and occasioanlly blocking your door, with only one thing on their minds. In later games, it’s two or three things that will change over time. In most RPG’s, only one major good character, if any, will die for story purposes. Once this has happened, ignore any other “deaths” as they are merely attempts emotionally manipulate you. Lost/Kidnapped childern that you have to rescue will always be safe and sound when you get there, even if you had to fight a ton of monsters and walk through some pretty dangerous areas to get to them. In older video games, Bad guys will NEVER execute their hostages. Religion does not exist in RPG’s. If it does exist, anything resembling the catholic church will be evil and anything pagan-ish will be good. You will rarely run across anything like a farmer or a farm in a mideviel fantasy world. Everything outside a city proper is wilderness. It doesn’t matter, because nobody in said needs to eat unless the plot demands it. In most video games, there are no toliets, even when and where there should be. ---
**Author:** ![Capt\_B.Phart](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9fc29f/32.png) [@Capt\_B.Phart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Capt_B.Phart)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2004, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/85 "2004-11-20T20:38:17Z")
Firing a rocket at your own feet while jumping makes your jump much higher - smarts a tad, but doesn’t result in the instant limbless death you might expect. When your vision goes all bluey and washed out - it’s party time! Any invisiblity trick that works on everything but the eyeballs needs to be sent back to the lab - with strong words about being a beta product that isn’t worth spit. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2004, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/86 "2004-11-20T21:36:30Z")
> [@PaulFitzroy](#): > > VERY rarely. In San Andreas, by the way, this doesn’t ever seem to happen. It happens occasionally. The car in your girlfriend’s front yard is usually locked, for example. 'Course, no one ever locks their car doors while driving. Even if they’re driving through a high-crime neighborhood. That’s notorious for carjackings. In the middle of a gunbattle. ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2004, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/87 "2004-11-20T22:33:12Z")
Grand Theft Auto: Weapons, including AK-47’s, flamethrowers and rocket launchers are just sitting in boxes on public sidewalks, waiting for someone to take them. Kill Frenzies do not attract any plice attention. No matter how unique a car you’re driving, if you duck into a paint shop, even with half the city trying to kill you, even if they see you do so, you will completely fool any pursurers. Dispatcher:“Suspect is driving a green tank and has already crushed 17 police cars.” Police offier:“Well, I saw a green tank go into that building, but a red tank came out. I guess I’ve lost him”. ---
**Author:** ![Paladud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Paladud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Paladud)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2004, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/88 "2004-11-20T22:38:10Z")
Most RPGs: The potion salesmen are either all really nice or have no grasp of supply and demand. Shining Force 2: The farther a character is from being human, the better he fights. The second half of the game will be decided by a fiery turkey, a rat, and a werewolf. Prince of Persia: You can die as often as you want, as long as the hour does not run out. Civ3: Reputations are not what they seem; Gandhi may well invade you while Bismarck is content with peaceful trade… ---
**Author:** ![LilyoftheValley](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/54ee81/32.png) [@LilyoftheValley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LilyoftheValley)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2004, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/89 "2004-11-21T01:14:22Z")
> [@dwc1970](#): > > Big, jagged-edged holes mysteriously open and close at regular intervals in the middle of the jungle. > > Vines swing continuously without gravity ever slowing them down. > > Logs also continously roll through the jungle. > > Alligators always sit in groups of three in swamps and open and close their mouths in pefect sync. You can get across such a swamp by hopping onto the alligator heads, and as long as their mouths are closed they won’t bother you a bit. > > Random treasures can be found right out in the open in the jungle. Underneath the jungle is one long tunnel. Unfortunately, someone built a bunch of brick walls in it. Good thing there are all these ladders lying around. ---
**Author:** ![Scissorjack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c67d28/32.png) [@Scissorjack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scissorjack)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2004, 9:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/90 "2004-11-21T09:19:34Z")
> [@PaulFitzroy](#): > > I think the commandos in Half-Life change clips. This surprised me the first time I played the game; I thought it was cool as hell that they would run and hide behind crates to re-load before attacking me again. I actually thought for a minute that they actually would run out of ammo and not be able to shoot anymore; alas, I was wrong. That’s what I like about that game: it’s fair. The Marines die of exactly the same things you do. It’s such fun creeping into a room where the Marines are in a firefight with a host of zombies, letting the fight take its course, then opening up on any survivors. That and swatting leaping headcrabs with a well-aimed swing of the prybar. ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2004, 9:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/91 "2004-11-21T09:36:02Z")
> [@Paladud](#): > > Civ3: Reputations are not what they seem; Gandhi may well invade you while Bismarck is content with peaceful trade… Invade? Hell, Gandhi will nuke your ass. No matter how much infrastructure you build to support your armies, and no matter how many units you have or how well equipped they are, when you get to the next battlefield you will only have a few lowly units and some workers, and maybe a couple of humble buildings if you’re lucky. Crates, barrels, vases, clay pots, grandfather clocks, the undersides of rocks - these are all wonderous things. All the secret treasures of the world can be found within. Guns don’t necessarily do any more damage than swords, or even have longer effective range; the guy with the sword can run up, strike the enemy, and run back in the same time it takes the guy with the gun to load, aim, and fire. Spells and items that are good for living things are bad for undead and vice versa. The effeminate swordsman is probably quite deadly. ---
**Author:** ![fluiddruid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c2a13f/32.png) [@fluiddruid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fluiddruid)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2004, 5:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/92 "2004-11-21T17:35:05Z")
All of those people are storming towards you, the innocent barkeep, for _root beer_. ---
**Author:** ![JRootabega](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8e7dd6/32.png) [@JRootabega](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JRootabega)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2004, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/93 "2004-11-21T17:52:53Z")
Tall lanky guys can jump high, little squat guys can dig good, royalty can float, and regular pudgy guys can’t do anything well. ---
**Author:** ![Darkhold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90db22/32.png) [@Darkhold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darkhold)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2004, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/94 "2004-11-21T18:33:14Z")
Being a god is surprisingly hard you can never do the things you expect and your power is always based off of the ‘belief’ of your followers. It doesn’t matter if you just saved a town from total destruction from that demon/dragon/evil empire you’re still going to pay full price at any merchant’s shop you visit. The main goal of being a pirate is sailing around trying to find pieces of a map to find your lost sister. After you find her she gives you a piece of a map to find a big treasure. At which point you start collecting pieces of a map to find your long lost brother. However if you recognize where the treasure is from the first map piece and go and get it you instantly lose interest in finding the rest of your family. The only weapon you have if you choose to fight underground dragons and those red guys with glasses is a bicycle pump. Of course with good timing you can drop rocks on them. The best part about trying to rescue a princess is not actually winning but seeing the super cool ways to die…too bad it costs an unbelievable $.50 each time you play. ---
**Author:** ![Darkhold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/90db22/32.png) [@Darkhold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darkhold)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2004, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/95 "2004-11-21T18:41:37Z")
Heh I see a couple of mine we already mentioned. I need to remember to re-read the first page if it’s been awhile since I checked the thread. ---
**Author:** ![Roland\_Orzabal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c2a13f/32.png) [@Roland\_Orzabal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roland_Orzabal)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2004, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/96 "2004-11-21T19:58:36Z")
If you shoot a car in the windshield a sufficient number of times, it will explode. Despite this, no matter how many times you shoot at the driver’s head through the windshield, the driver remains unharmed until the vehicle explodes. (This rule is invalid in California.) While being shot at, the driver will make no attempt to exit the vehicle or get out of the line of fire. He/she may halfheartedly press the gas in an attempt to flee, but will respect traffic laws while doing so. You can murder upwards of thirty people before the police take enough interest to attempt to subdue you. If you shoot an enemy in the head, that enemy will die. If an enemy shoots you in the head, you will lose approximately 35-70% of your health. This will not restrict your physical abilities in any way. Despite this, you will want to be careful afterwards, because a bullet to the foot at this point _will_ be fatal. Likewise, any enemy can be defeated by a sufficient number of bullets to the foot. This is extremely amusing. ---
**Author:** ![Kantalooppi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/a5b964/32.png) [@Kantalooppi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kantalooppi)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2004, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/97 "2004-11-21T20:25:29Z")
> [@](#): > > If you shoot a car in the windshield a sufficient number of times, it will explode. The RTS corollary: All it takes to make, say, a missile silo to explode is one guy shooting it at the side with an automatic weapon for long enough time. ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2004, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/98 "2004-11-21T22:40:48Z")
Your teammates are often dumb as a posts, even if they are supposed to be elite shock troops. They will usually end up getting themselves killed quickly even with your constant attention, because they do not understand such concepts as cover or teamwork. If you have to escort someone, half the time the person are you escorting will proceed on his own sheducle and get himself killed, rather then allowing you to go ahead and clear the area before he proceed. There was a division of the German Army during WW2 that was composed entirely snipers. They would occupy towns and harass any allied troops to the point of incredible annoyance and death. Despite the fact that you’re quite adept at kicking ass, you will occasionally enter an area where setting off a single alarm will result in defeat. Strangely enough, gunfire will rarely alert anyone in these situations. RTS: Aircraft are only useful in large numbers, because indiviual aircraft weapons are usally incredibly weak. You may have wiped out 99% of the enemies base, leaving only a few useless support structures and a few scattered troops, but the battle is not over until you scour the battlefield for every last soldier, fence and hidden pillbox and eliminate them. Losing a single battle means the complete and utter defeat for your side in the war, even if you have surronded the enemies capital and inflicted a 1:10 kill ratio before snuffing it. ---
**Author:** ![Agrippina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8797f3/32.png) [@Agrippina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agrippina)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2004, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/99 "2004-11-21T22:54:56Z")
If you are duck hunting, be sure to not miss ONE or your dog will stand up on his hind legs to snicker at you. Apparently, eating red leaves turns you into a racoon. Watch out for clouds, because sometimes they contain little creatures that throw spiny animals at you. ---
**Author:** ![SmHodge](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dec6dc/32.png) [@SmHodge](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmHodge)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2004, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/100 "2004-11-22T00:43:24Z")
> [@HPL](#): > > In older video games, Bad guys will NEVER execute their hostages. Does Arc the Lad II count as an older game (Pre-FF7)? Because that does happen in Arc II. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424.md?page=6)