# What I've learned from classic video games **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [November 18, 2004, 5:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424 "2004-11-18T05:32:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2004, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/121 "2004-11-22T20:41:31Z")
> [@Hamish](#): > > 6)Parallel worlds in different universes can have different cultures, architectural styles, species, histories, levels of technology, and even fundamentally different laws of nature, but they will have a grizzled engineer named Cid. But only one will tell you to “Sit down and drink your \*\*\*\*ing tea!” ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2004, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/122 "2004-11-22T21:36:05Z")
> [@Hamish](#): > > …but they will have a grizzled engineer named Cid. There will probably also be people named Wedge and Biggs, and they will be soldiers. They’ve even been known to appear in other Square games outside of the FF series. ---
**Author:** ![Tentacle\_Monster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba9def/32.png) [@Tentacle\_Monster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tentacle_Monster)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2004, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/123 "2004-11-22T22:31:22Z")
> [@Hamish](#): > > 6)Parallel worlds in different universes can have different cultures, architectural styles, species, histories, levels of technology, and even fundamentally different laws of nature, but they will have a grizzled engineer named Cid. > [@HPL](#): > > But only one will tell you to “Sit down and drink your \*\*\*\*ing tea!” “Now sit your ass down and drink your goddamn TEA!!” --Cid Highwind, _Final Fantasy VII_ ---
**Author:** ![RitzyRae](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/aca169/32.png) [@RitzyRae](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RitzyRae)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2004, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/124 "2004-11-22T22:49:06Z")
> [@Zsofia](#): > > Nobody really minds if you walk into their house and rifle through their cedar chests and closets and such. Actually, they’ll just stand there and watch you do it, because they’re so wrapped up in what they have to tell you about the cave in the nearby mountains that they don’t have time for petty blather like “Stop! Thief!” Yeah, they fixed this is Baldur’s Gate. I’ve been arrested repeatedly, but that’s what happens when you are a crappy thief. Oh - and you will never, ever have all the money/coins you need when you truly need them, therefore you must roam aimless in the woods outside of town hacking and hacking and hacking creatures mindlessly until you do. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Angel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d26b3c/32.png) [@Johnny\_Angel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Angel)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2004, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/125 "2004-11-22T23:51:56Z")
The guy who will eventually bring down the big bad evil comes from the town with only the cheapest, crappiest gear in the world for sale. If I were an evil overlord, I’d find that town and see to it that they never feel the boot of oppression. Life is red. Magic is blue. Poison is green. Disease is yellow. Lumberjacks get paid extra if the trees all fall the same way. As a security measure, some buttons are placed so that they can only be actuated by grenade launchers. The ship’s AI can teleport items to you, but can’t teleport, say, a bomb to the people it wants you to eliminate. A good pickpocket can sell the same four machine guns to a librarian over and over in exchange for books that disappear when read. A beholder will keep walking around in a sqare pattern for as long as it takes to kill it. Even if everyone in your party has a loaded and locked grenade launcher and plasma thrower slung across the backs of their heavy lunarian battle armor with ECM fields, a couple guys with laser pistols will still pick a fight with you at a bar. Thirsty bards can’t sing. Ten crowns! Darth’s tie fighter can take anything you got, pal. You walk the land alone, until a battle breaks out, at which point two of your comrades pop out of your ass or something. Zombies are alergic to root beer. A conspicuously placed waste basket always contains a keycard. You’re not going anywhere without a crowbar and some rope. No matter what you accomplish, everyone you meet will still belittle you, even your wife, no matter how many times you saved her from undead pirates. Steal your enemies’ ammo and ply them with alcohol before you speak with them. Never give Ian a burst weapon. Never ask, “What am I going to do with a bunch of junk mail?” The question is, what are you going to do without it? Smiling, happy drunks are full of money. Save early, save often. ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2004, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/126 "2004-11-23T00:04:18Z")
> [@Diceman](#): > > Actually, there are two different versions of this game: Beer Tapper and Root Beer Tapper. I’ve seen and played both. Aside from the name, the only difference is the color of the beverage. At the risk of slaughtering a joke by explaining it, yes, I know. “Root Beer Tapper” came out after parents’ groups complained about the risk that a beer-oriented video game might end up in an arcade where impressionable youngsters could see (and play) it. Hence the (formerly witty) comment… ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2004, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/127 "2004-11-23T00:13:26Z")
> [@Johnny Angel](#): > > Zombies are alergic to root beer. If this is what I think it is, you’re wrong. It’s ghosts who are allergic to Root Beer. Sqirting Root Beer on a zombie just creates a sticky zombie. ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2004, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/128 "2004-11-23T05:27:54Z")
> [@Johnny Angel](#): > > Never give Ian a burst weapon. Well, if you have power armor it’s OK to give him an SMG, a lot of the bullets will bounce off your back. An assault rifle would be bad news though. If you have high enough skill in melee, a high strength, and a powered smashy hammer, you can literally knock enemies halfway across town. You may want to have a nice sniper rifle on hand so you can shoot them before they get up and run away. If you train in the right skills, you can attack twice as often with a knife as with your bare hands. If you are lucky enough, you might find all sorts of cool gadgets and random weirdness out in the desert. ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2004, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/129 "2004-11-23T05:44:23Z")
> [@sturmhauke](#): > > If you are lucky enough, you might find all sorts of cool gadgets and random weirdness out in the desert. Aliens prefer felt pictures of elvis. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2004, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/130 "2004-11-23T06:02:07Z")
More on armor: All armor, despite its appearances and protective qualities, is actually made out of Spandex. Therefore, the same breastplate will form-fit perfectly well on a scrawny little pencilnecked wizard, a musclebound barbarian mountain of manhood, or a full-bosomed, wasp-waisted warrior maiden, with no alterations necessary in any case. ---
**Author:** ![sturmhauke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e47c2d/32.png) [@sturmhauke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sturmhauke)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2004, 9:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/131 "2004-11-23T09:28:01Z")
In World of Warcraft it even goes a bit further: on Undead characters, the clothes or armor has gaps at the joints so you can see the bones sticking out. On Tauren (think minotaurs) cloaks have a slit down the middle so the furry back hump can stick out, and boots don’t cover the hooves, just the upper part of the foot and ankle. ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [November 25, 2004, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/132 "2004-11-25T21:41:09Z")
Zelda2: Ghostly Klansmen guard Hyrulan palaces. ---
**Author:** ![chinbender](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c77e96/32.png) [@chinbender](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chinbender)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2004, 6:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/133 "2004-11-26T06:50:04Z")
Joe Montana can take a snap at the fifty, run backwards to his own goal line, and throw a pass 105 yards to Jerry Rice who will catch it despite being triple covered…every…single…time. And there are three types of hockey players: fat, skiny, and in between. ---
**Author:** ![Wolfian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/7ea924/32.png) [@Wolfian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wolfian)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2004, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/134 "2004-11-26T18:27:57Z")
Dolphins don’t need oxygen to breath provided that there are enough fish around. In the end violence solves everything. In order to save the world you must go on many, many quests for magical items. On your quests you will gain enough experience to beat the bad guy. The bad guy should just give the good guy all the items while the good guy is still at level 1, kill him, and retake the items. Performing an elaborate dance with your weapon multiplies its attack power. Performing an elaborate dance after the battle does nothing, but its fun anyway. ---
**Author:** ![ShockingAlberto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ea924/32.png) [@ShockingAlberto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ShockingAlberto)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2004, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/135 "2004-11-26T18:51:35Z")
Suicide is never the answer…unless you’re stuck. Then it totally is. ---
**Author:** ![duffer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duffer/32/1026_2.png) [@duffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/duffer)\ **Post date:** [November 26, 2004, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/136 "2004-11-26T22:47:45Z")
Outer space is _extremely_ small. If you ever find yourself somehow the only member of an armada in an asteroid belt, you’ll notice two things. First, you have unlimited fuel and ammo. Second, if you hit any of the rocks, don’t breath easier. It’ll only be a few seconds before the chunck hits the end of space and wraps around to your other side to try to get you again. ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2004, 12:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/137 "2004-11-27T00:15:24Z")
> [@duffer](#): > > Outer space is _extremely_ small. If you ever find yourself somehow the only member of an armada in an asteroid belt, you’ll notice two things. > > First, you have unlimited fuel and ammo. > > Second, if you hit any of the rocks, don’t breath easier. It’ll only be a few seconds before the chunck hits the end of space and wraps around to your other side to try to get you again. So not only is space small, but it’s also curved. ---
**Author:** ![duffer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duffer/32/1026_2.png) [@duffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/duffer)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2004, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/138 "2004-11-27T03:29:37Z")
> [@HPL](#): > > So not only is space small, but it’s also curved. Yeah, but the point is it only takes a few seconds, meaning space is very, very small. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2004, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/139 "2004-11-27T04:03:48Z")
> [@](#): > > So not only is space small, but it’s also curved. Nitpick: It’s still flat. It’s just topologically nontrivial. One of my professors has devoted a fair bit of research time to this distinction, as it applies to our own real Universe. ---
**Author:** ![duffer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duffer/32/1026_2.png) [@duffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/duffer)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2004, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424/140 "2004-11-27T04:36:58Z")
Leave it to me to come up with the one game that can spark a debate on the physics of the universe. :smack: [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-ive-learned-from-classic-video-games/275424.md?page=8)