What makes a racist to you?

There is a flaw in your friend’s thinking. She is equating race with culture, those two things are not the same. Ask any Cuban. There are white cubans and there are black Cubans, their race does not change their culture (although it may be possible that white cubans and black cubans have differences socio-economically speaking that change the way they relate to their Cuban culture.)

Also… people are complex. It is quite possible for a person to be caring and thoughtful and loving and bigoted. These are not mutually exclusive terms.