# What makes a spouse/partner "high maintenance"? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 26, 2009, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-makes-a-spouse-partner-high-maintenance/483141 "2009-01-26T23:07:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2009, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-makes-a-spouse-partner-high-maintenance/483141/61 "2009-01-29T16:34:13Z")
> [@bengangmo](#): > > Almost there - the high maintenance girl not only gets up two hours early to do her hair, \*\*but expects you to get up at the same time to keep her company \*\*- even if you were working late the night before. > > she wants a foot massage EVERY NIGHT, and if you don’t give her one, you don’t love her anymore. > > If you let her choose the movie, you are “a wimp” if you do choose the movie, and she doesn’t like it you are either selfish or don’t know her well. > > If she goes someone you don’t like, then its “her right”, if you go somewhere she doesn’t like you are being selfish. > > If, after three hours in the mall you tell her that you are bored with shopping and would like to go home, you are rushing her and being an asshole, if you stay, but look tired you are rushing her and being an arsehole. If you tell her that she is free to carry on but you want to go to a bookshop you are not being supportive. > > If she asks you to get the handbag that she used three weeks ago and bring it to her, but you can’t find / remember from her vague description (the square LV bag - sorry darling, which squarre LV bag? You have four of them) you are stupid. > > THe high maintenance woman, if she calls you when she has finished work, you must leave THAT INSTANT to meet her, but if you call her when you finish work, you are rushing her and not being supportive and belittling her work. And you can make your own way home. > > She will sit in the bedroom and call you to wait on her, where is my water, get me some chocolate, take out the rubbish - if you ask her to do something similiar the reply? What do I look like your maid? Gosh, \*\*bengangmo \*\*- do you have any personal experience with this? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2009, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-makes-a-spouse-partner-high-maintenance/483141/62 "2009-01-29T16:43:52Z")
If she spends an hour primping, then great. If she spends two hours primping, then that sounds like she’s a little vain, but still great. If she spends two hours primping, and it does no good, and it’s because the universe hates her, then there may be a little problem. If she spends two hours primping, and it does no good, and it’s YOUR FAULT for not loving her enough, then it’s time to find another hobby. ---
**Author:** ![dre2xl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/34f0e0/32.png) [@dre2xl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dre2xl)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2009, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-makes-a-spouse-partner-high-maintenance/483141/63 "2009-01-29T20:17:54Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > My now ex-wife is extremely high maintenance. One of her typical stunts was to walk out of the house, get in her BMW, and call me on her cell phone nearly as soon as she pulled out of the driveway and I mean that literally. It happened about 95% of the time. I was always furious and usually just told her to stop playing with the phone but she never understood the issue. > > She also has the distinction of never having issued a genuine apology in her life. The closest she has ever come was “I am sorry that you got mad at me” even if it is something blatant like being an hour late for something very important. She was raised a spoiled little rich girl and has only worked for her family since college. Our house and our daughters were picture perfect almost all of the time and were even part of a Boston Globe photo shoot recently but that was never good enough for her. If she saw a single crumb on the floor, the entire house had to be vacummed again despite the fact that already had been 4 times that week. > > That is high maintenance and I could not get away from it fast enough. wow, that sounds awful. How did you manage to get the point of marriage? ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-makes-a-spouse-partner-high-maintenance/483141/64 "2009-01-30T03:25:24Z")
Depends on context I guess. I gotta side with the people who say that having to get your hair and nails done every week is high maintenance, though. It doesn’t make you a bad person, just someone who requires a higher than average amount of work to keep up physically. The fact that you’re willing to do the work yourself doesn’t mean there’s any less work to be done. I think that’s the true common thread among the different ways of being high maintenance–how much work does it take to keep you up and running? If it’s a lot, you’re high maintenance. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 9:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-makes-a-spouse-partner-high-maintenance/483141/65 "2009-01-30T09:51:22Z")
Back to my “chore” definition, I’d like to offer ways in which men in my life have been high maintenance more often than women: The guy around whom you have to watch yourself like a hawk, because 99.99999% of what you do is unacceptable and the other 0.00001% too. The guy who you have to watch like a whole pride of hawks, because he’s likely to try and grab the waitress’ ass. It’s her fault, btw: she provoked him, by owning a bum. And her, you and the maitre are just being narrow-minded and square and disrespecting his right to grab any asses he sees fit. That’s bloody high maintenance too. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 11:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-makes-a-spouse-partner-high-maintenance/483141/66 "2009-01-30T11:14:56Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > The guy who you have to watch like a whole pride of hawks, because he’s likely to try and grab the waitress’ ass. It’s her fault, btw: she provoked him, by owning a bum. And her, you and the maitre are just being narrow-minded and square and disrespecting his right to grab any asses he sees fit. > > That’s bloody high maintenance too. **Nava** , I’d put that as more dirtbag but you have a point. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 11:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-makes-a-spouse-partner-high-maintenance/483141/67 "2009-01-30T11:19:48Z")
Yeah, I know, I would normally not describe it as “a high maintenance guy” either, but it sure makes the relationship high maintenance. I think that when it comes to the term “high maintenance” we may all have one of those mental ruts… like the can of Pepsi (it’s always Pepsi) in a previously-undiscovered planet, showing that the planet was, indeed, not previously-undiscovered. “Previously undiscovered planet” goes with “can of Pepsi” and “high maintenance” goes with “woman,” but it’s just a brain groove the needle keeps falling into, a scratched record. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-makes-a-spouse-partner-high-maintenance/483141/68 "2009-01-30T13:50:34Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > Yeah, I know, I would normally not describe it as “a high maintenance guy” either, but it sure makes the relationship high maintenance. Why? You leave the dirtbag and tell him to fuck off. That’s about as low maintenance as you can get. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-makes-a-spouse-partner-high-maintenance/483141/69 "2009-01-30T14:04:22Z")
“High maintenance” is anyone who habitually wants more from me than I’m inclined to give them. Any other definition is of academic interest at most. ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 2:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-makes-a-spouse-partner-high-maintenance/483141/70 "2009-01-30T14:10:32Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > “High maintenance” is anyone who habitually wants more from me than I’m inclined to give them. Any other definition is of academic interest at most. Hey - don’t get rational on us; we’re havin’ a conversation here!! ;)😃 ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-makes-a-spouse-partner-high-maintenance/483141/71 "2009-01-30T15:32:38Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > I think that when it comes to the term “high maintenance” we may all have one of those mental ruts… It is interesting that the majority of the responses so far (not all, but many) seem to be of the form “high maintenance means \” ---
**Author:** ![WordMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e8c25b/32.png) [@WordMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WordMan)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-makes-a-spouse-partner-high-maintenance/483141/72 "2009-01-30T15:35:48Z")
> [@Cervaise](#): > > It is interesting that the majority of the responses so far (not all, but many) seem to be of the form “high maintenance means \” \*\*Cervaise \*\*- any thoughts regarding my first post? Does my description align with your gf or your thinking about high maintenance / high reward partners (vs. simply high maintenance)? Or, to ask it another way: are there any aspects of this thread, including my post, that adds to your conversation with your gf? ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-makes-a-spouse-partner-high-maintenance/483141/73 "2009-01-30T16:07:02Z")
We haven’t talked about it in detail yet, but she’s been reading along, and has found the conversation illuminating and entertaining. I’ll report back after we have a chance to really talk. ---
**Author:** ![BlinkingDuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eada6e/32.png) [@BlinkingDuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlinkingDuck)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-makes-a-spouse-partner-high-maintenance/483141/74 "2009-01-30T20:25:28Z")
> [@bengangmo](#): > > Almost there - the high maintenance girl not only gets up two hours early to do her hair, \*\*but expects you to get up at the same time to keep her company \*\*- even if you were working late the night before. > > she wants a foot massage EVERY NIGHT, and if you don’t give her one, you don’t love her anymore. > > If you let her choose the movie, you are “a wimp” if you do choose the movie, and she doesn’t like it you are either selfish or don’t know her well. > > If she goes someone you don’t like, then its “her right”, if you go somewhere she doesn’t like you are being selfish. > > If, after three hours in the mall you tell her that you are bored with shopping and would like to go home, you are rushing her and being an asshole, if you stay, but look tired you are rushing her and being an arsehole. If you tell her that she is free to carry on but you want to go to a bookshop you are not being supportive. > > If she asks you to get the handbag that she used three weeks ago and bring it to her, but you can’t find / remember from her vague description (the square LV bag - sorry darling, which squarre LV bag? You have four of them) you are stupid. > > THe high maintenance woman, if she calls you when she has finished work, you must leave THAT INSTANT to meet her, but if you call her when you finish work, you are rushing her and not being supportive and belittling her work. And you can make your own way home. > > She will sit in the bedroom and call you to wait on her, where is my water, get me some chocolate, take out the rubbish - if you ask her to do something similiar the reply? What do I look like your maid? That’s not high maintenance…that’s an asshole. High maintenance isn’t necessarily bad (as others in the thread have noted) ---
**Author:** ![Billdo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/billdo/32/315_2.png) [@Billdo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billdo)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-makes-a-spouse-partner-high-maintenance/483141/75 "2009-01-30T20:48:36Z")
> [@BlinkingDuck](#): > > That’s not high maintenance…that’s an asshole. > > High maintenance isn’t necessarily bad (as others in the thread have noted) The thing that makes the items in **bengangmo** ’s list symptoms of being high maintenance is that each item of conflict/disagreement is escalated to a high emotional pitch. It’s not that you’re not in the mood to give her a foot massage, it’s that _you don’t love her_. It’s not that you don’t understand which handbag she wants, it’s _you’re stupid_. With a high maintenance person, every damn thing is ratcheted up to being highly emotionally fraught. A disagreement isn’t just a disagreement, it’s a potential fundamenal rupture in the relationship. A day out with your buddies isn’t just a bit of time apart, it’s a sign that you never want to spend time together. And, conversely, bringing home the type of flowers she likes isn’t just a nice gesture, but rather a sign of your deep and abiding comittment to the relationship. Essentially, anything that happens will be given excessive emotional consequences. When you run into a pitfall, watch out! So it can be exhausting trying to avoid all potential pitfalls. On the other hand, when things are going smoothly, it can be all-encompassingly wonderful (at least until the first minor misstep, when it careens off the rails again). One thing that is common in high maintenance relationships is ultimatums over minor things. An ex-girlfriend from law school would get very upset if I, for instance, took longer than she expected at one of my study groups. When I saw her , she would turn it into a whole production that my meeting her late was a sign that the relationship was doomed, and that I had to demonstrate that I really wanted to continue to go out. After too much of this (and any of this is really too much), I took her up on one of her ultamatums, responding to her “does this mean you’re breaking up with me?” question with “well, we have to talk.” It wasn’t pretty. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-makes-a-spouse-partner-high-maintenance/483141/76 "2009-01-30T21:08:51Z")
A low maintenance woman/man is happy or indifferent with what has been provided and takes care of a problem by herself/himself. A high maintenance woman/man is dissatisfied with what has been provided and requires others (this means _ **you** _) to handle her/his dissatisfaction, rather than sucking it up. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-makes-a-spouse-partner-high-maintenance/483141/77 "2009-01-30T21:32:20Z")
> [@BlinkingDuck](#): > > High maintenance isn’t necessarily bad (as others in the thread have noted) The situations where people said it wasn’t bad are things that I (and apparently others) wouldn’t call HM. (It just occurred to me that HM can also stand for Her Majesty.) A woman that spends an hour or three getting ready to go out isn’t high maintenance, because she’s maintaining herself. A man that needs constant validation, reassurance, or drama is, because he leans on others to maintain his emotional state. Everyone needs maintenance. The difference is who does the maintaining. ---
**Author:** ![Algorithm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/algorithm/32/12204_2.png) [@Algorithm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Algorithm)\ **Post date:** [January 30, 2009, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-makes-a-spouse-partner-high-maintenance/483141/78 "2009-01-30T23:52:29Z")
It’s 2 AM and you’ve just gotten home to your boyfriend’s house after a closing shift at the restaurant where the managers hate you for no reason and are totally unfair to only you and everyone else gets special treatment, but they’re jerks anyway because they wouldn’t trade shifts when you wanted to, don’t they get that you have a party you want to go that night _so bad_? Assholes. Anyway, so you’re getting to your boyfriend’s place and it’s 2 AM an your boyfriend has fallen asleep as planned, he has to get to work at 9 so he probably wants to sleep but you really need to use the computer so you’ll have to turn the light on and using the laptop downstairs isn’t really reasonable because you are there to be WITH him and hey can you talk for a minute about how horrible the managers at my job are? Such jerks. Anyway so after Julie wouldn’t take my Saturday shift and I was like “okay that sucks” (just kidding I called her a bitch in front of customers)… What the fuck? Why are you getting mad at me? I only need the light on for JUST A MINUTE and you can just go back to sleep after that, anyway YOU don’t need to sleep medicated so it isn’t an issue for you that you’re being woken up, why don’t you want to talk to me anyway, you make it seem like such a chore to be with me, you’ve gone to work late before anyway so why can’t you tomorrow, maybe you should just call in sick? Why can’t we just spend some time talking before I go to sleep, I’m not really tired yet anyway, so please make more effort to spend time with me at TWO IN THE GOD DAMN MORNING ON A WORK NIGHT you insensitive clod! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2009, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-makes-a-spouse-partner-high-maintenance/483141/79 "2009-02-02T23:55:29Z")
> [@Cervaise](#): > > It is interesting that the majority of the responses so far (not all, but many) seem to be of the form “high maintenance means \” Well, the OP did ask for answers in the form of an amusing anecdotes. Sometimes it’s less “the list” than the emotional fragility that goes with it. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2009, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-makes-a-spouse-partner-high-maintenance/483141/80 "2009-02-03T01:44:42Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > A woman that spends an hour or three getting ready to go out isn’t high maintenance, because she’s maintaining herself. I’m gonna be a maverick and say that I understand why this kind of person would be called high maintenance. In a literal sense, that’s exactly what they are. To me, it doesn’t matter who is doing the maintaining if we’re describing a _person_. Since those who fits this mold often end up effecting their relationships with their behaviors, it’s not unreasonable to opine that a HM person are predisposed to HM relationships. If it always takes someone 3 hours to make themself “presentable” and this person has to look presentable before they go outside, that’s gonna put a damper on “I’m in the mood for brunch” spontaniety or even a trip to the grocery store. Someone who spends a lot of money and time on their hair and nails more likely will not want to do anything that messes those things up. So guess who gets to open all the jars of sphagetti sauce? Guess who will have walk the dog when it rains because the humidity will case a bad hair day? Not everyone who gets bi-monthly manicures will be like this, of course. But they probably are correlated enough to justify the HM title. Most of the time HM implies emotional manipulation, but I say that sometimes it does not. To me, a HM relationship means that I’m gonna have to make a whole bunch of unwelcome accomodations just to be with the other person. Don’t eat meat? That’s fine. But having a problem with us eating anywhere other than a vegetarian restaurant? Problem. Borderline neat freak? Cool with me. Anal retentive to the point that I can’t even set my brief case on the floor without you throwing spasms? Problem. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-makes-a-spouse-partner-high-maintenance/483141.md?page=3)