# What matters most when finding a soulmate? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 18, 2011, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-matters-most-when-finding-a-soulmate/593234 "2011-08-18T22:07:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-matters-most-when-finding-a-soulmate/593234/21 "2011-08-22T17:48:42Z")
> [@Larry\_Mudd](#): > > Flatulence parity. And dirt. Finding a person who agrees with you about what is “clean” and what is “dirty” will save you many household arguments. ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-matters-most-when-finding-a-soulmate/593234/22 "2011-08-22T18:02:09Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > Mutual admiration. You have to think the other person is really amazing, and they need to think you are amazing, too. > > And you need to like who you are when you are with them. Absolutely. You should both feel like the lucky one in the relationship, and not in a low-self-esteem, co-dependent way. As I once put it to a friend, “You bet your ass he’s damn lucky to have me. I’m just even luckier to have him.” People who feel like they’ve settled or traded down are typically not very happy folks, people who feel lucky/blessed/like they’re getting the long end of the stick are typically very happy. And having similar attitudes toward cleanliness and punctuality are _huge_ factors in living happily together. You can have identical attitudes toward money, sex, kids, and what should play on the car stereo, but if one of you is always picking up after the other one or sitting around waiting for them to get ready to leave already, there’s going to be fairly constant discord and strife. There are friends whom I love dearly and consider some of my favorite people on the planet, but if I had to deal with them on a daily basis I’d murder them inside a week for that very reason. ---
**Author:** ![Crown\_Prince\_of\_Irony](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ed655f/32.png) [@Crown\_Prince\_of\_Irony](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crown_Prince_of_Irony)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-matters-most-when-finding-a-soulmate/593234/23 "2011-08-22T18:35:20Z")
If by “soulmate” you mean “someone who you can live and love with the rest of your life”, then I think I found a plan. Shack up together only a month after your first date, and have a couple kids over the next seven years, and **then** you’ll know if you have a keeper. Hey, it worked for me, but YMMV. Seriously, though - I think my wife and I realized the very first time we went out that we had something. I talk about it [here](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=13651905&postcount=67) - we’d known each other casually before that (and I’d even asked her out but she shot me down), so it wasn’t an “our eyes locked and it was love at first sight” sort of thing - I don’t really know if that happens all that often. But we happened to go out with some friends, and talked at length for the first time, her laughing at my stupid jokes, and making even stupider jokes (it was New Year’s Eve and I remember her using party hats to pantomime a lewd act - be still, my beating heart!). My face hurt the next day, I was laughing and smiling so much. Four kids, and 16 years later, and we still make each other laugh. ---
**Author:** ![Sattua](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sattua/32/11906_2.png) [@Sattua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sattua)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-matters-most-when-finding-a-soulmate/593234/24 "2011-08-22T19:08:41Z")
Hmmm. It’s definitely important to realize that you can have a lasting, loving, rewarding relationship and still disagree, irk each other sometimes, and even have an occasional argument. There is no big sparkly omgPERFECT partner out there. We’re all just human. Having said that, it was also eerie how well my husband and I got along right from the get-go. We talked about moving in together within two weeks and getting married within a month. We want the same things out of life and don’t have unrealistic, unfair expectations of each other. And we’re both cute. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-matters-most-when-finding-a-soulmate/593234/25 "2011-08-22T19:15:44Z")
> [@Crown\_Prince\_of\_Irony](#): > > \ making even stupider jokes (it was New Year’s Eve and I remember her using party hats to pantomime a lewd act - be still, my beating heart!). \ I think my husband knew I was the one for him when, after a couple of weeks of dating, I called someone I was talking about a cornholer. I think he was thinking I was a little prudish before that. 😃 (I can’t believe it took me a couple of weeks before I called someone a rude name. I must have been on my BEST behaviour.) I don’t believe in The Soulmate either - I believe in the Spectrum of Compatibility, and there will be lots of people on the Spectrum who will be good and compatible with you. You probably need to take care of the big ticket items (kids, religion, money, sex, time spent with in-laws, etc.) to make sure you’re compatible, but beyond that, you should probably just enjoy being together. ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-matters-most-when-finding-a-soulmate/593234/26 "2011-08-22T19:18:18Z")
If you have a checklist, it’s not a soulmate. ---
**Author:** ![Motorgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e36b37/32.png) [@Motorgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Motorgirl)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-matters-most-when-finding-a-soulmate/593234/27 "2011-08-22T19:19:59Z")
> [@Blackberry](#): > > That the person doesn’t use terms like “soulmate”. ding ding ding! We have a winner! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 7:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-matters-most-when-finding-a-soulmate/593234/28 "2011-08-22T19:25:38Z")
Many of the things listed above, but for me personally? She must love the beach, seafood, and boats. I have very strong feelings about those things, and they are central to my vacations, and my vacations are central to my happiness. Also, she shouldn’t be the type who will endlessly nitpick about an innocuous word like “soulmate.” ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-matters-most-when-finding-a-soulmate/593234/29 "2011-08-22T19:44:06Z")
But that’s just flexibility. People likely won’t know him but the comic book writer Dave Sim, in one of his columns, once said something to this effect: “If she’s one in a million that just means there’s 5000 of her out there.” Throw away the concept of ‘soul mate’. Ideas like that have done more harm to people that most dictators, fire ants, and the Dallas Cowboys ever could. Find a person of your preferred gender that you get along with. See where it goes. DON’T go looking for some magical thing like ‘soul mate’. That sort of thing is just you saying that you don’t want to control your romantic attachments. You, and only you, are in control of your life. Glory in that. Revel in it. Because, in the end, it’s the only thing you truly have. ---
**Author:** ![Jaledin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jaledin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaledin)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-matters-most-when-finding-a-soulmate/593234/30 "2011-08-22T19:44:43Z")
Tits, vag – that doesn’t matter so much. Somebody who really doesn’t give a shit about talking over and above and in fun of everything, with all intent to harm or mock intact. That said, having met a few like that, it doesn’t really matter – always ends badly. Screw soulmates. Maybe if you’re fifteen that counts, but who cares what you fuck, as long as she’s fly? Get a business partner and one of those creepy flesh dolls. Well, I could have just quoted one of the million torchy standards on this topic, but who cares. ---
**Author:** ![perfectparanoia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a5b964/32.png) [@perfectparanoia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/perfectparanoia)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-matters-most-when-finding-a-soulmate/593234/31 "2011-08-22T19:54:35Z")
> [@Larry\_Mudd](#): > > Flatulence parity. I knew he was the one when not only could I let one rip but he would still want to have sex with me right after (well, after the smell dissipated). Also, the moment that he said something really stupid in the height of coitus and I laughed was a turning point. I thought he might be hurt or angry. Instead, we had a great laugh together. ---
**Author:** ![Jaledin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jaledin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jaledin)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-matters-most-when-finding-a-soulmate/593234/32 "2011-08-22T20:14:15Z")
> [@perfectparanoia](#): > > I knew he was the one when not only could I let one rip but he would still want to have sex with me right after (well, after the smell dissipated). Gross. Why it’s gross is that you brought up the unmentionable – the smell. Horrible. I had a few GFs who would get all pissed off when I made fun of them while they were on the shitter, and since I don’t like any of them anymore, it’s true that they were all gross poopers. Modus, wait, never mind, don’t have the skillz to make a pun in Latin right now. ETA But you must have one hell of a cooze if they’d wade in after the outhouse aroma you give off. Good job! Also, something in one of Ovid’s about aromas and sexual attraction, can’t remember. ---
**Author:** ![Hero\_From\_Sector\_7G](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/65b543/32.png) [@Hero\_From\_Sector\_7G](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hero_From_Sector_7G)\ **Post date:** [August 22, 2011, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-matters-most-when-finding-a-soulmate/593234/33 "2011-08-22T22:46:17Z")
Fingering. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-matters-most-when-finding-a-soulmate/593234.md?page=1)