# What public "formalities" do you favor? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 11, 2022, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920 "2022-03-11T20:15:41Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2022, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920/101 "2022-03-13T14:54:20Z")
Agreed on dressing respectfully at a funeral: it’s just basic courtesy, people are grieving and upset, don’t do anything to distract or irritate them. The last thing a grieving widow needs is to have her mother in law complaining to her that someone is wearing shorts. Just understand that the day isn’t about you and do what you can to make the hardest day of their lives a little easier. It’s astounding to me that more people don’t get this. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2022, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920/102 "2022-03-13T14:58:02Z")
> [@XOldiesJock](#): > > I’m an informal guy, but this peeves me to no end. I worked in a casual industry. When a business associate passed away, me and two co-workers attended his funeral service, and we wore suits. It’s respectful. He was quite well-known and the service was widely attended. There were people there who looked like they just stopped by on their way to or from the gym. I was shocked at the utter cluelessness. If you don’t have a suit, fine, but at least wear something appropriate to the occasion. I always wear a suit, unless there’s some specific stipulation that I dress a certain way (I’ve been to beach weddings that said no suits), and I’ve seen people at weddings and funerals who look like they usually just rolled in off the street. But a lot of them look like maybe they don’t have enough cash to afford a suit, especially when they won’t wear it often- weddings and funerals maybe, probably not job interviews. I can’t say I’ve run across a lot of people who look like they _can_ afford to own a suit and just choose not to. ---
**Author:** ![Die\_Capacitrix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/die_capacitrix/32/9_2.png) [@Die\_Capacitrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Die_Capacitrix)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2022, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920/103 "2022-03-13T15:06:36Z")
> [@XOldiesJock](#): > > We attended a street fair in our city, held on Mother’s Day, a real family event, attended by thousands of people. I spotted a guy wearing a t-shirt that said in large bright red letters, “Fuck You!” I cannot, for the life of me, understand why anyone would choose to dress that way under any circumstances, much less an event like that. In the American branch of my employer, wearing a shirt with the F-word will get the person sent home, if they don’t have another shirt, or can somehow cover the shirt. Where I am now? Not a problem. It’s a different standard. > [@madmonk28](#): > > The last thing a grieving widow needs is to have her mother in law complaining to her that someone is wearing shorts. I would rewrite that sentence, “The last thing a grieving widow needs is to have her mother in law complaining to her.” My husband has a suit, Hasn’t worn it in more than 2 decades, not sure if it even fits. He wore clean jeans to his father’s funeral - no one blinked an eye, and it was exactly as his father would have expected of him. My father-in-law didn’t really care for public formalities such as dress code. And he would always be polite to people, including people performing services, such as cashiers and cleaners. ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Hedonia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ann_hedonia/32/319_2.png) [@Ann\_Hedonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Hedonia)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2022, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920/104 "2022-03-13T15:07:28Z")
One of my favorite cruise ship activities is people watching, and I’m frequently amazed at the lack of self-awareness. Sometimes I just want to ask “Don’t you have a mirror in your cabin?” My all time winner was a woman that had dressed for dinner. The dress itself was lovely, white with an asymmetrical cut, bare on one shoulder. It would’ve been beautiful had it clung where it was supposed to cling and flowed were it was supposed to flow, but it was about three sizes smaller than the woman wearing it. On this woman, it looked like a defective sausage casing. But that alone wouldn’t have been nearly enough to make her my grand prize winner. This woman had been in the sun all day and had gotten burned. Really burned, while wearing a swimsuit. Let’s just say the swimsuit pattern burned into her bright red skin did not complement the lovely white dress. Her shoes were OK though. I love people watching. ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2022, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920/105 "2022-03-13T15:20:12Z")
Sounds like he dressed and behaved respectfully at the funeral. ---
**Author:** ![bob\_2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bob_2/32/3341_2.png) [@bob\_2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bob_2)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2022, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920/106 "2022-03-13T15:24:10Z")
My main gripe is the people who film stage performances with their phones. Instead of watching the carefully choreographed show with the MK 1 eyeballs they were born with, they watch it via a tiny screen. This even happens at events that are going to be broadcast on TV and could easily be recorded. \*I realise that not everyone has fully functioning eyes, but surely the view on a phone screen is far worse than the stage. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2022, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920/107 "2022-03-13T16:00:13Z")
> [@bump](#): > > I always wear a suit, unless there’s some specific stipulation that I dress a certain way (I’ve been to beach weddings that said no suits), and I’ve seen people at weddings and funerals who look like they usually just rolled in off the street. There are cultural factors involved. In my country, for instance, the goal is to bury the body as quickly as possible, usually within 24 hours of death. A few years ago, the mother of a friend of mine died in her sleep. Her father found out when he woke up at 7:00. I heard about it at around 10 AM. The funeral was at 3 PM, an hour and a half from my home. Believe me, I came in my work clothes, and so did almost everyone else. Nobody cared. ---
**Author:** ![XOldiesJock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/ec9cab/32.png) [@XOldiesJock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/XOldiesJock)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2022, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920/108 "2022-03-13T16:01:41Z")
> [@bump](#): > > _I can’t say I’ve run across a lot of people who look like they can afford to own a suit and just choose not to._ Well, I agree with that. My point was that one should dress a little better for a funeral than they would for the gym. Most men have one dress shirt and perhaps a tie on hand, and khakis would be fine to go with it. Sweats, however, are inappropriate. Just my opinion. I own one suit, which I bought from Land’s End 30 years ago. It still fits me, more or less (enough to get by), and I only wear it for a formal occasion. I live in a somewhat blue collar-leaning area. There are no men’s stores. There used to be several, but they closed years ago. I don’t even know where men who need to wear a suit buy one, much less have it tailored to fit. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2022, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920/109 "2022-03-13T16:34:57Z")
> [@bump](#): > > I can’t say I’ve run across a lot of people who look like they _can_ afford to own a suit and just choose not to. Ten-ish years ago I decided I wasn’t going to ever wear a suit again. I had hundreds of ties, so I took them along with my three suits to Goodwill. My gf thought it was a joke and I was just updating my wardrobe. I would have considered renting something for my kids’ weddings, but my son had a beach wedding and my daughter eloped (COVID). I generally do not attend funerals, so that hasn’t been a problem. When my gf’s dad died I wore clean pants and a Hawaiian shirt to his funeral. I was dressed better than many. ---
**Author:** ![Yookeroo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yookeroo/32/323_2.png) [@Yookeroo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yookeroo)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2022, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920/110 "2022-03-13T17:25:50Z")
> [@k9bfriender](#): > > Yes, you are doing so by observing those formalities. There is no functional or physical benefit to doing so, the only reason to do so is to make another person feel more comfortable with your presence. That’s not a functional benefit? > [@Ann\_Hedonia](#): > > There are a couple of new dress related customs that I have yet to get used to, old lady that I am. > > One is visible bra straps. Not only does no one try to conceal them anymore, it’s seems like it’s almost fashionable. I’m not talking about a little glimpse of strap at the shoulder, I’m talking about things like wearing a standard shoulder strap bra with a racerback tank. That’s not new. That’s been happening for decades. ---
**Author:** ![BrickBat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac91a4/32.png) [@BrickBat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrickBat)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2022, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920/111 "2022-03-13T17:26:09Z")
> [@bob\_2](#): > > My main gripe is the people who film stage performances with their phones. Instead of watching the carefully choreographed show with the MK 1 eyeballs they were born with, they watch it via a tiny screen. This even happens at events that are going to be broadcast on TV and could easily be recorded. I could never understand that either. Performances, events, competitions etc. I noticed this decades ago in the VHS/Hi-8 camcorder era. Some friends of mine were all ga-ga about getting _everything_ on film. While I was enjoying myself soaking it all in with my eyes, they were “seeing” the same thing through one eyeball via the grainy-ish square inch B&W image the viewfinders of the camcorders of the era had, and further distracted by their attempts to fancify their filming by constantly zooming in/out, panning etc. Later they’d almost brag about how they got 30 minutes, and hour of footage they could later watch, forgetting it’s all second hand by then. Hope I make the edit, but another thing about these people is they are always shushing everybody because “I’m filming here!”, or rudely demand that others get out of their way. ---
**Author:** ![Mallard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Mallard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mallard)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2022, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920/112 "2022-03-13T18:12:36Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > Regarding dressing in public, I used to fly a lot and I hated seeing people board the plane dressed for the gym or the beach. You’re going to be packed in with other people, please cover your skin, m’kay? I don’t want your hairy armpits in my face when you reach for your overhead luggage, or bump up against your bare shoulders and knees in my seat. YES! No shorts or bare shoulders! > > But that’s just me. If you’re 20 & female I probably won’t be too upset about it. ---
**Author:** ![thorny\_locust](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thorny_locust/32/431_2.png) [@thorny\_locust](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thorny_locust)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2022, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920/113 "2022-03-13T18:28:36Z")
> [@madmonk28](#): > > Agreed on dressing respectfully at a funeral: it’s just basic courtesy, people are grieving and upset, don’t do anything to distract or irritate them. The last thing a grieving widow needs is to have her mother in law complaining to her that someone is wearing shorts. Just understand that the day isn’t about you and do what you can to make the hardest day of their lives a little easier. It still depends on the funeral. I put on my one Weddings and Funerals Dress to go to a good friend’s funeral some years back. The grieving daughters, as well as some of the other attendees, were in work pants. Nobody thought anything of it. In case of doubt, I’d put the dress on, though. (I’m not sure, in that case, that the deceased had ever seen me in one. Several people commented on it.) ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Hedonia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ann_hedonia/32/319_2.png) [@Ann\_Hedonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Hedonia)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2022, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920/114 "2022-03-13T19:10:11Z")
> [@Yookeroo](#): > > > [@k9bfriender](#): > > > > Yes, you are doing so by observing those formalities. There is no functional or physical benefit to doing so, the only reason to do so is to make another person feel more comfortable with your presence. > > That’s not a functional benefit? > > > [@Ann\_Hedonia](#): > > > > There are a couple of new dress related customs that I have yet to get used to, old lady that I am. > > > > One is visible bra straps. Not only does no one try to conceal them anymore, it’s seems like it’s almost fashionable. I’m not talking about a little glimpse of strap at the shoulder, I’m talking about things like wearing a standard shoulder strap bra with a racerback tank. > > That’s not new. That’s been happening for decades. Yes, but I’m VERY old. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2022, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920/115 "2022-03-13T20:55:44Z")
> [@BrickBat](#): > > I could never understand that either. Performances, events, competitions etc. I noticed this decades ago in the VHS/Hi-8 camcorder era. I can actually remember the moment - walking from the car to a pumpkin patch w/ our toddlers, 25 years ago, holding the big VHS camcorder on my shoulder, getting ready to record a bunch of tape I’d never look at again. Looking at all the other idiot dads doing the same. From that moment I resolved to primarily experience whatever I and my family were engaging in first, with pictures video a distant 2d (or 3d, or 20th…). Really did not prepare me well for today’s camera focused world. ---
**Author:** ![Yogeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yogeekgirl/32/4129_2.png) [@Yogeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yogeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2022, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920/116 "2022-03-13T21:16:44Z")
Even worse, people standing at a sit down venue that start what I call “Muppet Dancing”, the whole show, if it’s musical. To muppet dance, get up in a hurried motion, wave your hands all around above your head and jerk back and forth to the music. 🙄 ---
**Author:** ![Yogeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yogeekgirl/32/4129_2.png) [@Yogeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yogeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2022, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920/117 "2022-03-13T21:28:12Z")
I must add: my most favored public formality is wearing clothes in public. Ok, maybe you locked yourself out of the house in your pj’s and have to go to the closest restaurant to call for help. Maybe you lost a bet. Or have issues with the details(maybe you have a broken limb or condition/disability that makes something fussy like a button up shirt impossible). If you’re not in any of these situations and you’re going for brunch or dinner in something not intended for public wear, WTF? You don’t have to be dressed for church or the opera, but yoga leggings, pj’s and bathrobes aren’t what I was getting at. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2022, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920/118 "2022-03-13T22:01:02Z")
> [@k9bfriender](#): > > Those are just as arbitrary. If you would make people feel uncomfortable by wearing a baseball cap to church, or by wearing a t-shirt to a funeral, then you should avoid making them uncomfortable by doing so. No different from please and thank you. Exactly. The idea that you should wear a suit (or whatever) to some event is a gesture of respect toward the person(s) who are the focal point of the event. If it’s a wedding, it’s respectful to dress appropriately, whatever that may be. Same thing for funerals. It’s saying “I care enough about you and consider your ceremony important enough to dress appropriately for the situation, instead of wearing what _I_ feel like wearing.” That doesn’t necessarily mean a suit- if say… the couple getting married are big Star Trek fans and have a Star Trek themed wedding, you’d probably be perfectly respectful by wearing your best Klingon armor and bringing your bat’leth. Most of the time for men in the US, it’s suit & tie for weddings, funerals, job interviews, etc… ---
**Author:** ![Mallard](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Mallard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mallard)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2022, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920/119 "2022-03-13T23:15:35Z")
> [@Yookeroo](#): > > > [@k9bfriender](#): > > > > Yes, you are doing so by observing those formalities. There is no functional or physical benefit to doing so, the only reason to do so is to make another person feel more comfortable with your presence. > > That’s not a functional benefit? > > > [@Ann\_Hedonia](#): > > > > There are a couple of new dress related customs that I have yet to get used to, old lady that I am. > > > > One is visible bra straps. Not only does no one try to conceal them anymore, it’s seems like it’s almost fashionable. I’m not talking about a little glimpse of strap at the shoulder, I’m talking about things like wearing a standard shoulder strap bra with a racerback tank. > > That’s not new. That’s been happening for decades. Perhaps, but I have to agree with the poster that it seems much more obvious nowadays particularly on younger women. ---
**Author:** ![minor7flat5](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/minor7flat5/32/258_2.png) [@minor7flat5](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/minor7flat5)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2022, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920/120 "2022-03-14T12:42:10Z")
I was taught to hold doors open for people–both men and women. I was taught to say “excuse me” if I walk in front someone in public. Both of these are becoming rarer. As a guy, I normally don’t expect a door to be held open for me, but please don’t let it slam in my face when you are one step ahead of me. Come on folks. Last Fall I broke my shoulder and was wearing a sling for some weeks. I was shocked at the number of people who just didn’t care that I didn’t have use of my dominant arm: there I was, a gray-bearded older guy with an obviously broken right arm, and they would shove past me to get to the door of a business and not hold the door for me. Of those who opened doors for me, it was almost always men–women would shove past briskly without as much as an “excuse me” …which brings me to the second point: I was taught to say “excuse me” any time I pass in front of someone. That includes walking between a person in the grocery store and the can of beans they are contemplating from six feet away. Some older guy violated this rule with me yesterday when I went to get coffee–I was standing two feet from the counter and he crossed between me and the counter twice without caring that he had done so. Very rude. Like many manners, neither of these two rules of basic manners are requirements for life, but they can certainly smooth some of life’s bumps over. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-public-formalities-do-you-favor/960920.md?page=7)