# What qualities make for the best lover? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 9, 2016, 2:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405 "2016-03-09T14:26:30Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2016, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405/21 "2016-03-09T19:57:20Z")
For me the answer is: Pay Attention to what works and what doesn’t. That thing that made your ex see stars may not do anything for me. Give feedback. I hate hate hate it when a guy is totally silent during sex. Yes, I know, the presence of the boner (usually) indicates that I’m doing things right - but it’s not really enough. Let me know how good it feels, with words or moans. Just like my vocalizations add to your pleasure, yours add to mine. ---
**Author:** ![madsircool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madsircool/32/3432_2.png) [@madsircool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madsircool)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2016, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405/22 "2016-03-09T20:05:13Z")
The best thing we can do in bed is listen, watch what is working and be absolutely supportive IMO. Secure lovers are good lovers. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2016, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405/23 "2016-03-09T20:44:52Z")
> [@Morgenstern](#): > > Showing off your Rebew brand? You win one internet for today, honey. ---
**Author:** ![dizzee\_dee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7c8e57/32.png) [@dizzee\_dee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dizzee_dee)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2016, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405/24 "2016-03-09T20:55:16Z")
> [@Charlie\_Wayne](#): > > I once knew a guy who amazed me because he seemed to sleep with a different lady every night. > > I asked him what his secret was and this is what he told me. > > “From the moment you start making love, never stop moving. Use every part of your body that can move and move them over your partner’s body”. > > I asked him just what parts of his body he was referring to and he said: > > “Both hands. Both arms. Both feet. Both legs. Your lips. Your tongue.” > > He was just an average guy - not an acrobat or a contortionist. I never understood how someone could move all those body parts at the same time. That sounds really unpleasant. I can see why only one date. ---
**Author:** ![Charlie\_Wayne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4bbf92/32.png) [@Charlie\_Wayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charlie_Wayne)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2016, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405/25 "2016-03-09T21:07:10Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > Begs the question - if he was so good, why did he have to sleep with a “different lady every night”? > > No repeat business? Heh. Heh. Yes. He did go on a few sprees now and then. But for the most part, he seemed to need to make conquests. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2016, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405/26 "2016-03-09T21:13:47Z")
I have never been one with a lot of finesse or a great technique so I have had to learn other strategies. I make the woman feel like she is responsible for every reaction that comes out of me. I am very reserved by nature and it takes a lot for me to really cut loose. It might take them a couple of hours to break me down but once they do I just go into cave man mode and bang the day lights of them. 90% of the women I have been with will continue to come back for more and a big share of them have fallen in love with me. I can get on the phone and have someone over within the hour anytime I feel like it and I am admittedly at best a mediocre lover. The best I can do is allow them to work their magic and the best I can do is respond to it. It really works. ---
**Author:** ![Charlie\_Wayne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4bbf92/32.png) [@Charlie\_Wayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charlie_Wayne)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2016, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405/27 "2016-03-09T21:22:39Z")
> [@HoneyBadgerDC](#): > > I have never been one with a lot of finesse or a great technique so I have had to learn other strategies. I make the woman feel like she is responsible for every reaction that comes out of me. I am very reserved by nature and it takes a lot for me to really cut loose. It might take them a couple of hours to break me down but once they do I just go into cave man mode and bang the day lights of them. 90% of the women I have been with will continue to come back for more and a big share of them have fallen in love with me. I can get on the phone and have someone over within the hour anytime I feel like it and I am admittedly at best a mediocre lover. The best I can do is allow them to work their magic and the best I can do is respond to it. It really works. I’m guessing that may work while you’re young and handsome. But have you thought about the future? Any thoughts about getting married and settling down with a single lady? ---
**Author:** ![stolatt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5e925/32.png) [@stolatt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stolatt)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2016, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405/28 "2016-03-09T21:41:17Z")
Since enthusiasm is taken, I’ll go with knowledge of basic physical capabilities. Sex in the water is not possible because you need lubrication. I can only do that acrobatic move for a little bit. No marathon intercourse, because those tissues are as delicate as the inside of your mouth. It really ruins it when you’re in bed with someone who doesn’t understand the basics. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [March 9, 2016, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405/29 "2016-03-09T21:55:11Z")
I’d use a word like “receptivity” or “responsiveness” but there’s something unidirectional about those words that makes them wrong. What would you call it when someone is a delicate virtuoso who delights in your own receptivity and responsiveness, both emotional and tactile? So, the combo of those two things, being a really sensitive receptive-responsive reactor and being a really sensitive virtuoso who enjoys mine. Feelings of the multiple varieties, passions on multiple levels, gently, delicately, but fervently and ecstatically done. ---
**Author:** ![Rigamarole](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/77aa72/32.png) [@Rigamarole](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rigamarole)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2016, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405/30 "2016-03-10T00:01:27Z")
> [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > Someone who would have the guts to stand by you & not let Nostril-Fucks mess with you free of [del]scars[/del] response. > > Someone who would use what leverage or power that they had personally to privately and publicly damage anyone who’d try to get off on hurting someone they cared about… even if they had a big face in your industry\*. > \*ESPECIALLY if they had a Big Face in your industry. What does _any_ of this mean? ---
**Author:** ![Ellecram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellecram/32/18948_2.png) [@Ellecram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellecram)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2016, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405/31 "2016-03-10T00:54:36Z")
Separate sleeping arrangements. ---
**Author:** ![kopek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kopek/32/337_2.png) [@kopek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kopek)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2016, 12:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405/32 "2016-03-10T00:57:27Z")
Trick pelvis and questionable morals. ---
**Author:** ![scootergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e99b99/32.png) [@scootergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scootergirl)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2016, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405/33 "2016-03-10T04:47:50Z")
> [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > Someone who would have the guts to stand by you & not let Nostril-Fucks mess with you free of [del]scars[/del] response. > > Someone who would use what leverage or power that they had personally to privately and publicly damage anyone who’d try to get off on hurting someone they cared about… even if they had a big face in your industry\*. > \*ESPECIALLY if they had a Big Face in your industry. > [@Rigamarole](#): > > What does _any_ of this mean? You took the words right out of my typing fingers, **Rigamarole**. I’ve read it three times. Er…I got nothing. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2016, 5:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405/34 "2016-03-10T05:58:33Z")
> [@Charlie\_Wayne](#): > > I’m guessing that may work while you’re young and handsome. But have you thought about the future? Any thoughts about getting married and settling down with a single lady? Charlie, I am older and tried marriage twice. This is my senior citizen approach! ---
**Author:** ![Charlie\_Wayne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/4bbf92/32.png) [@Charlie\_Wayne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Charlie_Wayne)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2016, 6:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405/35 "2016-03-10T06:47:09Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Sleeping with a different lady every night - that is, the acquisition of all those women - has really not much to do with how good of a lover you are. Getting the girl into bed requires different skills than pleasing her in bed. > > God knows they don’t always match up. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now and I must admit you are definitely correct. More than that, it’s a very important distinction. If I knew the key reason he was able to sleep with so many different women, I would have used that info myself. But, I’m just not sure. However, I will tell you what I’ve observed. Over the years, I’ve read many times that the key characteristics for a man to use to attract a lady are those things that have been mentioned in this thread by other people. 1. Projecting self-confidence 2. The ability to make the lady laugh and smile. Not necessarily the same as a good sense of humor. I can also tell you what I observed when he was with a lady and before they slept together. He would often smile and laugh a small laugh that seemed to me to indicate he was a very harmless man. By that I mean he gave the impression that he would never talk harshly or do anything bad to a lady. This kind of laugh was more like a giggle than a full laugh. But the ladies seemed to react very positively to this. When he laughed that laugh, they would usually touch his arm and/or laugh themselves and smile at him and usually kiss him too. He projected a sense of genuine caring. This was true. He really liked women. He never had a bad thing to say about them and he would always take any opportunity to help them or spend time with them and give them comfort when they were feeling bad. Those are just two things I observed about him. But I really don’t understand the dynamics of what he did and how it worked. I’ve tried to behave like him a few times and I almost never succeeded like he did. I just didn’t come close. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2016, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405/36 "2016-03-10T14:28:01Z")
I was also thinking about the lover I had that would rank as “best”, and I’d say his biggest endearing trait was a sense of…I guess non-urgency. He never seemed to be in a hurry to get his dick wet. Everything was in its proper place and time, and everything was leisurely and relaxed. It wasn’t about him getting off as fast as possible, it was about both of us enjoying the journey. Another good trait to have, I guess. Patience! ---
**Author:** ![somepumpkin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7feea3/32.png) [@somepumpkin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/somepumpkin)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2016, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405/37 "2016-03-10T15:14:31Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > What does _any_ of this mean? > [@scootergirl](#): > > You took the words right out of my typing fingers, **Rigamarole**. I’ve read it three times. Er…I got nothing. I love a good mystery. It sounds like someone had been blackmailed for an episode of non-consensual nose-sex and a great lover saved the day. Or maybe the great lover was the blackmailer. Is the\* big face\* comment there to refer us back to the nostrils? ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2016, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405/38 "2016-03-10T19:19:43Z")
> [@Rigamarole](#): > > What does _any_ of this mean? Someone who would be There for you, even if Assholes were trying to break it up or cause you both trouble. Get it? No? Read it again. Get it NOW? Pull that “other board” meme, which you’re trying to bring here, out of your rear while your at it. > [@scootergirl](#): > > You took the words right out of my typing fingers, **Rigamarole**. I’ve read it three times. Er…I got nothing. Maybe you do Now. #MemeFail ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2016, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405/39 "2016-03-10T19:24:58Z")
> [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > Someone who would be There for you, even if Assholes were trying to break it up or cause you both trouble. Get it? No? Read it again. Get it NOW? > > Pull that “other board” meme, which you’re trying to bring here, out of your rear while your at it. > > Maybe you do Now. > > #MemeFail To me it comes off as someone really turned on by power and the ability to crush people. That is a turn on for a lot women that I try to steer clear of. ---
**Author:** ![stillownedbysetters](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/41988e/32.png) [@stillownedbysetters](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stillownedbysetters)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2016, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405/40 "2016-03-10T19:37:58Z")
^5 to Anaamika - patience, indeed. Particularly when you are new together and you aren’t yet sure what works and what doesn’t. Curiousity is a big deal for me. I like experimentation. Not everything works, but why not give it a go and see? Sure there are times when you can’t get to it fast enough, but after you get that out of the way, spend some time and play. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-qualities-make-for-the-best-lover/748405.md?page=3)