# What should Disney butcher next? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 15, 2001, 12:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007 "2001-04-15T00:19:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Saint\_Zero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c4cdca/32.png) [@Saint\_Zero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Zero)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2001, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007/41 "2001-04-17T21:10:20Z")
I think I saw on Ain’t it Cool News a few weeks ago they are working on a spaceborne version of Robert Louis Stevenson’s “Treasure Island”. It’s said to be a more serious project, considering their musicals are tanking badly. ---
**Author:** ![barflyer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/dc4da7/32.png) [@barflyer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/barflyer)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2001, 9:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007/42 "2001-04-17T21:30:17Z")
Remember the **Goofy’s Physical Fitness** shorts? They play all the time on Disney Channel. I’d like them redone with the modern exercises. Sweating to the Oldies, AB Rollers, Thigh Master. Jazzercize. ---
**Author:** ![Agrippina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8797f3/32.png) [@Agrippina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agrippina)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2001, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007/43 "2001-04-17T21:37:26Z")
When in Rome… \*Julius Ceasar \*Caligula Or more books? \*_Cujo_ by Stephen King \*_The Scarlet Letter_ by Nathanial Hawthorn \*_One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest_ by Ken Kesey \*_Lord of the Flies_ by William Golding \*Have they done _Frankenstein_ by Mary Shelley? \*_Uncle Tom’s Cabin_ by Harriet Beecher Stowe Heh. I could just imagine the McDonald tie ins with _Cujo_ or Caligula. ---
**Author:** ![Agrippina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/8797f3/32.png) [@Agrippina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Agrippina)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2001, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007/44 "2001-04-17T21:37:26Z")
When in Rome… \*Julius Ceasar \*Caligula Or more books? \*_Cujo_ by Stephen King \*_The Scarlet Letter_ by Nathanial Hawthorn \*_One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest_ by Ken Kesey \*_Lord of the Flies_ by William Golding \*Have they done _Frankenstein_ by Mary Shelley? \*\*Uncle Tom’s Cabin[/i by Harriet Beecher Stowe Heh. I could just imagine the McDonald tie ins with _Cujo_ or Caligula. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2001, 10:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007/45 "2001-04-17T22:00:06Z")
Kafka’s _Metamorposis_. 😃 Just full of rip-roaring , family fun!!! ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2001, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007/46 "2001-04-17T22:39:31Z")
_Lord of the Flies_ I’m picturing Pumba’s head on a stick. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2001, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007/47 "2001-04-17T23:36:05Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by neptune\_1984 \* > \*\*When in Rome… > \*Julius Ceasar > \*Caligula > Heh. I could just imagine the McDonald tie ins with _Cujo_ or Caligula. > > \*\* I’ll have you know that I am writing a musical based on the life of Caligula. There’s the warm and cuddly opening number, “Little Boot”, describing how the future emperor got his nickname. There’s the love song, “My Favorite Sister”. Then there’s the dramatic finale, “No Cure for Caesar”, in which Cal meets his timley demise. ---
**Author:** ![Protesilaus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Protesilaus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Protesilaus)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2001, 3:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007/48 "2001-04-18T03:33:47Z")
I’d really like to see Disney try to de-violence-fy _Braveheart_ or _Gladiator_. I also wonder what they would do with something like Machiavelli’s _The Prince_, even though it’s an essay, not fiction. It seems like someone (not Disney) has already “taken care of” [_King Kong_](http://www.jabootu.com/mightykong.htm). > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by KKBattousai_ > \*\*My friends and I had this conversation a few years ago, sometime after Pocahontas and before Mulan. We decided on Joan of Arc. It has the quasi-spritual aspect Disney seems to like, a strong heroine which Disney also sort of likes (even if they do subordinate themselves in the quest for us men folk quite often), and even more sword fights. And, for the sake of marketing, they can give her a pet dog (since, as we all know, Little Brother didn’t get nearly enough screen time). \*\* You know, I can see that! If I can find the time, I may just have to write a Disneyfied Joan of Arc myself. ---
**Author:** ![Ell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e47774/32.png) [@Ell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ell)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2001, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007/49 "2001-07-11T02:19:05Z")
How about Disney presents _A Tale of Two Cities_. I don’t even want to imagine what they would do with this. ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2001, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007/50 "2001-07-11T02:22:17Z")
\ I hate when people resurrect old threads… Anywho, “TV Funhouse” on Saturday Night Live did a funny cartoon - _Disney’s Titanic!_. Onboard were a plethora of famous people (Einstein, Darwin, a few others), Whoopi Goldberg was the voice of the evil Iceberg, and she and the happy little Titanic make friends at the end and Titanic doesn’t sink. Cracked me up. Esprix ---
**Author:** ![Zene111](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/848f3c/32.png) [@Zene111](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zene111)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2001, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007/51 "2001-07-11T02:39:10Z")
SURVIVOR Filmed on location “uranus” ---
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2001, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007/52 "2001-07-11T02:44:51Z")
Hey, I recently wrote an (woefully inaccurate :() essay on this very topic… Well, actually on _how_ they’d butchered other classics. If you wanna read it, email me at [libraryalexandria@home.com](mailto:libraryalexandria@home.com) and I’ll be glad to send it over. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2001, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007/53 "2001-07-11T03:01:17Z")
I’m surprised I haven’t seen this title up for grabs yet: _Catch 22_ - ripe for animal characters to replace the people if they want to take the road they went with for _Robin Hood_. Any sense of satire would be lost, but think of the cute little animals flying fighter planes! And since Disney dipped its animated toe into history with _Pocahontas_, it’s about time to try it again with the Civil War and _The Red Badge of Courage_. And although I’ve never read the book, I’d love to see a Disney-fied version of _War and Peace_. Someone mentioned _Beowulf_, but why stop there? How about the Disney versions of _The Iliad, the Odyssey_, and _The Aenid_? And my all-time top choice for a Disney-fied version of classic – _Disney’s Lolita_. I’d love to see what they do with this one. ---
**Author:** ![saepiroth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5ac83/32.png) [@saepiroth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/saepiroth)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2001, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007/54 "2001-07-11T04:17:03Z")
i want to see them screw with norse mythology- Ragnarok, specifically. actually, i just want to see how angry **Fenris** the poster gets when **Fenris** the wolf is changed from a gigantic wolf that eats the sun to signal the coming of Ragnarok and thereby the end of all life on the planet into a small canine animal that acts as comic relief and, at the end, chokes on a lightbulb, finally coughing it up so it knocks the bad guy out in a humerous manner. ooh, he will be pissed! ---
**Author:** ![Katisha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bcef8e/32.png) [@Katisha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Katisha)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2001, 7:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007/55 "2001-07-11T07:23:55Z")
Somebody posted a Disneyfied _Les Miserables_ to a board I used to post at. (This was not long after Hunchback came out, so it was a while ago.) I saved the post, so now you can all enjoy: > [@](#): > > THE DISNEY LES MIS > by Sheyna Watkins > > Jean Valjean is a poor, overly cutesied man who is cruelly persecuted by the Evil Inspector Javert . After much daring struggle Jean Valjean manages to escape. He goes to live in Montreuil-sur-mer, where he starts a factory. One of the workers at the factory is a poor young widow named Fantine (don’t you dare call her an unwed mother; this is a children’s program!). Well, Fantine is very poor and her landlord is threatening to evict her. But she always outsmarts him–after all, she is incredibly beautiful, and she is a smart-talking broad–while Fantine’s cute cat Alphonse drives the landlord crazy clawing up his socks. > > Finally Jean Valjean becomes aware of Fantine’s troubles and he comes to her aid. The two soon fall in love and get married (Ahhwwwww…sweet). Fantine’s daughter Cosette is finally able to leave the orphanage run by the Evil M. and Mme. Thenardier, where Fantine was forced, through the laws of the land, to keep her daughter. Cosette rejoices at leaving the Thenardiers’ orphanage and [their] cruel talking dogs named Griff and Gruff, who always stepped on her feet. > > The years pass and Cosette loves her mother and new father. When Cosette is the ripe old age of 16, with the body of a model, she meets a really cute boy named Marius in school. (Women are educated too.) There are a lot of neat people at school like Marius’ friends Eponine and Enjolras. The problem here is that Eponine also has a crush on Marius. > (Some actual dialogue: > Marius: " Hey babe, want to go to the woods with me and listen to the singing animals?" > Cosette: “Are you always this charming or am I just lucky?” > Eponine: “Grrrrrrrr!”) > > Of course in the end they go to the wood where the woodland creatures give a wonderful rendition of “Do you Hear the Creatures Sing”. > > But this peace is short-lived. The Evil Inspector Javert, aided by the Thenardiers and Griff and Gruff, is plotting to take over France. Our heroes must stop him! > (Enjolras: “Citizens of Paris, Javert has persecuted our people long enough, ransacked our city, and now he has declared war on France herself! Who will be strong and stand with me?!”) > > The students rise, the people rise, Enjolras and Marius fight at the barricade, Fantine, Eponine, and Cosette smart-talk the bad guys, while Jean Valjean tends the wounded woodland animals, and Alphonse claws up Javert’s socks. > > Javert’s forces are defeated, but now he seeks revenge on Jean “the Over-Cutified” Valjean. Javert attacks the poor innocent sensitive man. He guilt-trips him for putting himself above the law. Jean Valjean wins the fight, using his incredible strength, and decides to let Javert go. But Javert attacks Jean Valjean again when his back is turned. Through no fault of Jean Valjean’s Javert loses his balance and falls off a ledge and dies. (Why do Disney villains always die by falling off ledges?!) The Thenardiers and Griff and Gruff also fall off a ledge, and then Fantine’s landlord falls off a ledge. > > And after the cruel ruling French government falls off a ledge, Lamarque is made president, and everyone parties. Enjolras and Eponine get together in the final scene. Everyone is happy as their castle fades off into the sunset, just as the reprise of “Do you Hear the Creatures Sing” climaxes. _shudder_ ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2001, 9:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007/56 "2001-07-11T09:59:11Z")
Nah, it’ll never fly - the hero is a _man_. We all know that Disney only uses women now as main characters. (“Aladdin” was a fluke.) Esprix ---
**Author:** ![Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Tapioca\_Dextrin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tapioca_Dextrin)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2001, 1:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007/57 "2001-07-11T13:38:26Z")
And what about disney’s **Naked Lunch**? Those mugwumps would be _soooooo_ cute. ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2001, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007/58 "2001-07-11T14:42:05Z")
Disney presents: the karma sutra ---
**Author:** ![slortar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6bbea6/32.png) [@slortar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/slortar)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2001, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007/59 "2001-07-11T15:02:54Z")
I’d suggest the Donner Party. Even though it’s been done as a musical, it hasn’t been done as a musical with cute animal sidekicks has it? Dante’s **Divine Comedy**. C’mon. You know you’ve always wanted to see Dante portrayed as a gentle, adorable bear and Virgil as a studious, kind turtle. Other ideas that come to mind: the **Black Hole of Calcutta** , **Uncle Tom’s Cabin** , the **Rodney King Beating** , the story of OJ, and everyone’s favorite **the Rape of Nan King** (sp?). A think a remake of **Full Metal Jacket** with the soldiers portrayed by singing chipmunks might also be in order. ---
**Author:** ![filthy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/da6949/32.png) [@filthy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filthy)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2001, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007/60 "2001-07-11T17:12:57Z")
C. Frog beat me to it. Therefore, I’ll have to put forth: “The Adventures and Follies of a Good Natured Libertine.” Ya’ve never heard of it? Well, It’s an old book that was sold from ‘under the counter’ way back in the '50s. Find it. Read it. Doozy would have a blast! regards, f [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-disney-butcher-next/62007.md?page=4)