# What should I do about my wife? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 21, 2011, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691 "2011-11-21T21:54:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691/21 "2011-11-21T22:48:07Z")
Sorry, but this is unlikely to end well, if you define well as you guys being happily married. I am in the “cut your losses and run” camp. In the meantime, please don’t get her pregnant unless you have really, really worked this out–like 2 years of good marriage. ---
**Author:** ![MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MPB_in_Salt_Lake)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691/22 "2011-11-21T22:49:24Z")
Do you have any attractive female friends who could send you pictures of their “goods” as a show of solidarity? (If not, do you have any attractive female friends willing to send _me_ pictures of their goods as a show of Christian Charity?) Finally, congrats for joining the SDMB in order to solicit eager, earnest advice in your Hour Of Need; It’s nice to have some sincere newcomers aboard, as (believe it or not) sometimes people join simply to make up ludicrous stories just for the attention… ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691/23 "2011-11-21T22:50:24Z")
> [@Cap10](#): > > We fought for a while and I asked her to stop talking to him. Recently I checked the phone records and she had been talking to him. Whether she deserves it or not, you already don’t trust her. End it. ETA: No really, end it now. And make her pee on a pregnancy stick ASAP. And keep your dick away from her after that. ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691/24 "2011-11-21T22:50:59Z")
Sorry that this happened to you, but I agree that it sounds like she is cheating on you with this guy. There is no good explanation for why this guy would be sending pictures of his penis to her unless they are cheating. Trust your gut. I think you know in your gut that she is cheating. I personally would not even bother with couples counseling. For counseling to work for a marriage, both people have to want the relationship to be saved, and if she wanted the marriage to work she wouldn’t have kept sneaking around with this guy. However, I would suggest counseling for YOURSELF to help you deal with the fallout of the divorce and how to find a healthier relationship next time. This is clearly not a healthy relationship. ---
**Author:** ![chiroptera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/df705f/32.png) [@chiroptera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chiroptera)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691/25 "2011-11-21T22:53:07Z")
> [@Brynda](#): > > \ > In the meantime, please don’t get her pregnant unless you have really, really worked this out–like 2 years of good marriage. Oh yes, for the love of all that is good PLEASE do not breed with this woman unless you for sure work it out and know that you’re solid. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691/26 "2011-11-21T22:56:07Z")
> [@Cap10](#): > > I really don’t want a divorce because I do love her, but **I need to do what is right by me** at the same time. I just wanted to point out that you’d already answered your own question. ---
**Author:** ![Heckity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a5b964/32.png) [@Heckity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heckity)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691/27 "2011-11-21T22:56:07Z")
It sounds like a lot of clandestine activity for a relatively new marriage. I know you want to believe her - but every thing you’ve mentioned here screams cheating. If a friend of mine sent me a picture of his ‘goods’ I’d be horrified. My husband would kill him. A good marriage doesn’t have this many secrets. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691/28 "2011-11-21T23:04:39Z")
I would recommend divorce. This is a sign of very bad boundaries. If you stay in this marriage, you will likely never be able to let your guard down. This specific guy is not the problem. Even if you get her to stop talking to him, there will be hundreds of other opportunities to start talking to new guys. If you want to stay married, your goal is not to get her to stop talking to him. Your goal is to get her to change so that she won’t have this type of relationship with any guy ever in the future. That is a very big challenge. Can you get her to change her personality like that? If you stay married, keep separate bank accounts. Don’t have kids. This will make it easier if you do decide to get divorced. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 11:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691/29 "2011-11-21T23:16:20Z")
nm… already said. ---
**Author:** ![LouisB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/dfb087/32.png) [@LouisB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LouisB)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691/30 "2011-11-21T23:19:28Z")
RUN to the nearest divorce attorney you can locate. Be completely honest with said attorney. Follow said attorney’s advice explicitly. Living in a broken down car is better than your current situation. ---
**Author:** ![alice\_in\_wonderland](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alice_in_wonderland/32/176_2.png) [@alice\_in\_wonderland](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alice_in_wonderland)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691/31 "2011-11-21T23:21:03Z")
Eugh. Unless there is a very specific reason for staying with this woman, such as your 17 children or her multi-billion dollar inheritance, you need to cut your losses. I’m a married woman. If one of my ‘friends’ sent me a picture of their junk they would no longer be my friend. Ugh. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691/32 "2011-11-21T23:21:08Z")
Either decide that it’s OK for her to have sex with this guy on the side, or divorce her, because those are your only two choices. ---
**Author:** ![YourAdHere](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/65b543/32.png) [@YourAdHere](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YourAdHere)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691/33 "2011-11-21T23:43:55Z")
Disclaimer: I’m just some random Internet guy. Take this cum grano salis. Another vote for dump her. It sounds like she’s been cheating on you with this other guy and lying to you about it repeatedly. Don’t let her talk you into forgiving her or believing she isn’t doing it or wont do it again. She is, and she will again if she thinks she won’t get caught. She might fess up and be all guilty and repentant if you catch her, but that’s only bc she got caught. If she really felt bad about it and loved you and only you like she says, she wouldnt be doing this. She just came to surprise you? I’ve heard that one, seriously. She’s lying. Let them have each other and you should find someone who loves you enough to treat you well just bc she wants to, not based on whether she’d be caught. And I’m really sorry by the way, I know it’s incredibly painful and hurts your feelings a lot. I’m sorry. Get out now and don’t let her manipulate you into trusting her not to do it again or thinking that it’s your fault. Otherwise the pain will just be worse and more prolonged. That’s my two cents. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@The\_Devil\_s\_Grandmother](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Devil_s_Grandmother)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 11:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691/34 "2011-11-21T23:46:56Z")
> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > Whether she deserves it or not, you already don’t trust her. End it. > ETA: No really, end it now. And make her pee on a pregnancy stick ASAP. And keep your dick away from her after that. I’m with Inigo. Also, I think you should run a credit report today, and on on the day you legally separate. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691/35 "2011-11-21T23:49:53Z")
Cap, I feel for ya man. ---
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [November 21, 2011, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691/36 "2011-11-21T23:52:53Z")
If it was me, It be over. Adios. If she hasn’t cheated on you ‘yet’ she’s going to. P.S. If you don’t have kids what ever you do, **don’t have them with her.** That means wear a rubber starting yesterday. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2011, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691/37 "2011-11-22T00:06:30Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > If you want to stay married, your goal is not to get her to stop talking to him. True. > [@](#): > > Your goal is to get her to change so that she won’t have this type of relationship with any guy ever in the future. Wrong. You cannot change another person. What you must decide is whether you love her enough to stay with her as she is–and that includes her need to have sex with other men–or decide that even though you love her, you can’t keep [a-searchin all around lookin for your street corner girl](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VQZoU7iBYN8). ---
**Author:** ![obbn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/d6d6ee/32.png) [@obbn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/obbn)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2011, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691/38 "2011-11-22T00:06:47Z")
Dude, my heart goes out to you. From what you have written I have to agree with the others that the writing is on the wall and chances are you are headed down a road there is no coming back from. If you are intent on saving this marriage you and your wife need marriage counseling now. It isn’t a fix all, but it will help both of you confront the problem and possibly get you on the road to recovery. However, if you suggest counsling to her and she refuses to go/participate she will have told you everything you need to know. There is no hope for your marriage. I went through a terrible nasty divorce about 7 years ago. The bad news is it sucks worse than you can imagine. The good news is you WILL get over it and life WILL go on. I am no re-married to the most wonderful woman in the world and as weird as it sounds am happy I got divorced or I would have missed out on what I know is the love of my life. You didn’t mention if you had children, I am going to assume not as you said you were only married a few months. But, if you do always put the children first. No matter how bad it gets, they need to be your first priority. Regardless of if you have kids or not let me recommend a website that has some very useful information regarding divorce. The site is for Divorce/Divorcing Dads, so it is geared toward those of us with children however, there is lots of information there that you will find helpful. Probably the most important piece of information there is called the “list”. This is a list of things you NEED to do prior to the divorce happening. It has been compiled by members of the forum from experience. You can find the list here: [http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father\_divorce\_forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=15642](http://www.dadsdivorce.com/father_divorce_forum/viewtopic.php?f=4&t=15642) Once again I feel for you and I am sorry that you have to go through this. Stay strong and keep the faith. There are more fish out there and it seems the first one you caught wasn’t a keeper, but you will find your keeper eventually. Good Luck! ---
**Author:** ![Giraffe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/giraffe/32/129_2.png) [@Giraffe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Giraffe)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2011, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691/39 "2011-11-22T00:07:30Z")
> [@Cap10](#): > > she deletes her texts pretty frequently…she received a picture of his “goods” in her email…I asked her to stop talking to him…she had been talking to him…She said she would stop…she texted him last week…I saw her walking up to his apartment…She apparently stayed at his house the night before. At this point, I think it’s only about a 98-99% certainty that she’s fucking this guy, at best. It’s probably best to wait until you’re 100% certain, maybe with some accompanying video footage. Or you could just cut your losses and move on with your life. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [November 22, 2011, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691/40 "2011-11-22T00:24:25Z")
Agreed. Stop putting up with being played and get out now. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-about-my-wife/603691.md?page=3)