# What should I do in this situation? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 28, 2023, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-in-this-situation/990815 "2023-09-28T14:07:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 14\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![kjwrites](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4bbf92/32.png) [@kjwrites](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kjwrites)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2023, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-in-this-situation/990815/1 "2023-09-28T14:07:33Z")
So, my mother isn’t a very friendly person. She’s kind of a recluse. Well, she has an aunt named Jenny who married a woman named Nikki and they have a daughter named Abbi. And my mother doesn’t really get along with them so I’m exposed to a lot of, for lack of better term, trash talk at home. And I kind of formed an opinion that they were horrible people. Cue my great-grandmother’s birthday party. I hung out at Jenny’s table and - they were pretty nice. I mean, Abbi was a little oddly defensive (but she had been recently told she couldn’t have any more children due to being diagnosed with epilepsy and can’t really see out of her left eye) but Jenny and Nikki were fun. That being said, Jenny also took pictures and videos of my brothers and I without my mother’s permission which seems kind of rude. But my mother is kind of being abrasive about the entire situation. Which brings me to my questions. What should I do? Who should I side with? I really just want everyone to stop being antagonistic about it. I really, really hate antagonism and the fighting makes me uncomfortable. As does the ‘trash talk’, especially now that I’ve connected with them. And I _should_ be loyal to my mother, but the others are family too, so… yeah. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2023, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-in-this-situation/990815/2 "2023-09-28T14:14:36Z")
> [@kjwrites](#): > > …Jenny also took pictures and videos of my brothers and I without my mother’s permission which seems kind of rude. Is that what you are conflicted about? ---
**Author:** ![kjwrites](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4bbf92/32.png) [@kjwrites](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kjwrites)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2023, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-in-this-situation/990815/3 "2023-09-28T14:20:25Z")
All of it really. I just want to know who I should side with or if I should ignore the situation… That being said, how does one ignore a situation that they’re in the middle of? ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2023, 2:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-in-this-situation/990815/4 "2023-09-28T14:21:39Z")
Why take sides? Just be decent and respectful to people as long as they are decent and respectful to you. If someone demands you take sides, respectfully decline. ---
**Author:** ![Horatius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/horatius/32/3572_2.png) [@Horatius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatius)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2023, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-in-this-situation/990815/5 "2023-09-28T14:28:56Z")
> [@kjwrites](#): > > That being said, how does one ignore a situation that they’re in the middle of? When the “trash talk” starts, leave the room. Don’t make a production of it, just walk away. Eventually they’ll clue in. Also, remember a friend of mine’s old adage: “You have to love your family, but you don’t have to like them.” ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2023, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-in-this-situation/990815/6 "2023-09-28T14:54:27Z")
> [@kjwrites](#): > > That being said, Jenny also took pictures and videos of my brothers and I without my mother’s permission which seems kind of rude. How old are you and your brothers? Is Jenny a relative? Why would she need your mother’s permission to take pictures at a birthday party? ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2023, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-in-this-situation/990815/7 "2023-09-28T14:58:23Z")
**What should I do in this situation?** Use a more descriptive title. ---
**Author:** ![kjwrites](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4bbf92/32.png) [@kjwrites](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kjwrites)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2023, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-in-this-situation/990815/8 "2023-09-28T15:02:41Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > How old are you and your brothers? Is Jenny a relative? Why would she need your mother’s permission to take pictures at a birthday party? I am sixteen, my oldest brother is seventeen, and my youngest brother is fifteen. The pictures started when we were about four-five. Jenny is… my mother’s aunt, so she’d be my great-aunt. My mother likes to limit pictures of my brother and I on any platform or in any way. For example, school pictures are generally avoided and very rare. ---
**Author:** ![Fretful\_Porpentine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fretful_porpentine/32/2873_2.png) [@Fretful\_Porpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fretful_Porpentine)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2023, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-in-this-situation/990815/9 "2023-09-28T17:24:40Z")
> [@kjwrites](#): > > My mother likes to limit pictures of my brother and I on any platform or in any way. For example, school pictures are generally avoided and very rare. That’s unusual, though – the vast majority of parents have no problem with school pictures, and it’s pretty normal, in general, to take pictures of one’s younger relatives at a family event, even if the parents haven’t explicitly given permission. It doesn’t sound like she’s done anything particularly rude, unless you or your mother directly asked her not to take pictures and Jenny ignored the request. ---
**Author:** ![tofor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tofor/32/13727_2.png) [@tofor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tofor)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2023, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-in-this-situation/990815/10 "2023-09-28T17:29:42Z")
I do ask people not to post pictures of my children online. But I agree with Fretful\_Porpentine that it’s normal to take pictures of relatives at a family event without asking. ---
**Author:** ![Moriarty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/moriarty/32/49_2.png) [@Moriarty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Moriarty)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2023, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-in-this-situation/990815/11 "2023-09-28T17:32:54Z")
> [@Horatius](#): > > When the “trash talk” starts, leave the room. Don’t make a production of it, just walk away. Eventually they’ll clue in. This is the best answer, by the way. Stay above the fray. Do not engage in the drama. (This goes for the rest of your life too. If you talk about people behind their back, say only good things. Your reputation will be better for it). ---
**Author:** ![DavidNRockies](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/davidnrockies/32/6279_2.png) [@DavidNRockies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DavidNRockies)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2023, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-in-this-situation/990815/12 "2023-09-28T17:34:13Z")
Here’s a secret that I wish I had learned in elementary school: If you can manage your own reactivity to the events in your life, you – and probably many around you – will be the better for it. Your reactions are your reactions, but your _responses_ are overwhelmingly of your choosing. Keep breathing. Let it go. You don’t have to swing at every pitch _or_ “pick sides” in every interpersonal situation. My $0.02. YMMV. Closed course. Professional driver. Etc. Welcome! ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2023, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-in-this-situation/990815/13 "2023-09-28T20:45:33Z")
Is someone pressuring you to take sides in this situation? I suspect one thing that may be going on here is you are awakening to the fact that your mother may not always have accurate perceptions about other people - and maybe unreasonable expectations for some people. You’re allowed to acknowledge that and still love her. And you can love her without agreeing with her. And you can love your Aunties too, if you want to. Life is often more complex than one person is all right and the other person is all wrong. ---
**Author:** ![UnusedDivision](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/db5fbb/32.png) [@UnusedDivision](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UnusedDivision)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2024, 7:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-should-i-do-in-this-situation/990815/14 "2024-02-15T07:37:47Z")
I agree, take no sides specifically and try to see the merits in both points of view, however hard it may seem.