# What skills and knowledge would I need to defeat a gorilla in hand to hand combat? **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [January 14, 2007, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990 "2007-01-14T22:28:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![alterego](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6bbea6/32.png) [@alterego](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alterego)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2007, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/1 "2007-01-14T22:28:57Z")
In Man vs. Gorilla, suppose your hypothetical man could have any skills - the foremost expert in the world and trained since birth. He is also an expert in gorilla anatomy. What skills would you give him, and how would he go about defeating this gorilla in hand to hand combat given his knowledge? Or do you say it’s impossible? I am particularly interested in martial arts that are supposed to work irrespective of size and strength. While I was studying Ki-Aikido, for example, an expert once came in, and I was absolutely amazed at how effortlessly this small old man could throw even the largest men present. But you can of course pick any martial art of your liking (with no weapons). Related column: [Can a 90-lb. chimp clobber a full-grown man?](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_001b.html) ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2007, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/2 "2007-01-14T22:42:04Z")
No. Only Happy Crazy People want to fight Gorillas hand to hand. OnYou are not a Happy Crazy People, who wants to fight Gorillas hand to hand. No. BTW–anybody who says hat any possible combinations of Martial Arts will enable you to fight Gorillas hand to hand is _wrong, **bad** and **E-vil!** _ ---
**Author:** ![mr.jp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/48db29/32.png) [@mr.jp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mr.jp)\ **Post date:** [January 14, 2007, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/3 "2007-01-14T23:18:34Z")
Interesting about our muscles being useless compared to a chimps. I wonder what the evolutionary reason for this is. ---
**Author:** ![Operation\_Ripper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/34f0e0/32.png) [@Operation\_Ripper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Operation_Ripper)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2007, 12:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/4 "2007-01-15T00:09:52Z")
[QUOTE=alterego] an expert once came in, and I was absolutely amazed at how effortlessly this small old man could throw even the largest men present [/QUOTE] Pfft. ---
**Author:** ![lostronin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a4c791/32.png) [@lostronin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lostronin)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2007, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/5 "2007-01-15T00:13:04Z")
ummm, having trained myself for a number of years the only thing I can think of that might remotely result in survival: Simultaneous deep thumb strike to the eyes, really deep (focus on the back of his brain case) afterwhich: Run like hell On that note, once upon a time a doberman came after me No place or time to run Spear hand right down the throat Got nicked up a bit but came away in far better shape than if I’d run or froze ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2007, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/6 "2007-01-15T00:29:13Z")
[QUOTE=lostronin] Spear hand right down the throat [/QUOTE] And you did what, rip his lungs out? ---
**Author:** ![lostronin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a4c791/32.png) [@lostronin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lostronin)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2007, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/7 "2007-01-15T00:32:58Z")
[QUOTE=carnivorousplant] And you did what, rip his lungs out? [/QUOTE] Nope, just a quick in and out, that rip out body parts hollywood bullshit is just that. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2007, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/8 "2007-01-15T00:45:56Z")
> [@](#): > > What skills would you give him, and how would he go about defeating this gorilla in hand to hand combat given his knowledge? I would, of course, tutor him well on the techniques of guerrilla warfare ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2007, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/9 "2007-01-15T00:50:11Z")
[QUOTE=lostronin] Nope, just a quick in and out, that rip out body parts hollywood bullshit is just that. [/QUOTE] I was being sarcastic. 🙂 Did you hurt him so much that he changed his mind about going for you? My luck, it would just piss him off. ---
**Author:** ![WarmNPrickly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/d78d45/32.png) [@WarmNPrickly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WarmNPrickly)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2007, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/10 "2007-01-15T00:55:28Z")
The skill of bench pressing 5000 lbs might help. ---
**Author:** ![lostronin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a4c791/32.png) [@lostronin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lostronin)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2007, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/11 "2007-01-15T01:07:04Z")
He was a she actually. Not much damage (just a bruised throat) but enough initial pain and surprise that she backed off to hack and cough long enough that the owner came out and leash her. She didn’t look like she was ready for another go anyway as I had the upper hand, so to speak, and was advancing in order to keep it. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2007, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/12 "2007-01-15T01:09:43Z")
Interesting to see what would happen if one stuck one’s hand down the throat of a gorilla. I expect that one would soon be missing the hand, if not the entire arm. ---
**Author:** ![Helix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e19adc/32.png) [@Helix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helix)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2007, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/13 "2007-01-15T01:48:27Z")
I can’t imagine any combination of skills that you could acquire to defeat a gorilla in hand to hand combat. I vote for impossible. I once thought a Doberman would be relatively easier to defend against until I owned a couple. Playing around is one thing but a Doberman with serious malice in its’ heart (or fear) is another. Reading about foot pounds of force takes on a whole new meaning. Much faster and much stronger than I thought. A gorilla - probably with experience exerting his dominance over others and bigger - would be much worse. My martial arts experience is limited to full contact tae kwon do but most of it works better if you can keep your adversary off of you. The gorilla, he’ll grab you and that nifty turn around back kick you see Walker do all the time just will not work. Of course, if you consider ritual suicide an extension of some martial arts then I do see some application here … ---
**Author:** ![Lumpy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lumpy/32/446_2.png) [@Lumpy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lumpy)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2007, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/14 "2007-01-15T02:00:02Z")
I’m sorry, the only “hand to hand” technique that would have a chance is being able to smoothly pull the trigger of a .44 magnum. ---
**Author:** ![Horatio\_Hellpop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e5b9ba/32.png) [@Horatio\_Hellpop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Horatio_Hellpop)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2007, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/15 "2007-01-15T02:19:24Z")
Out of curiosity, how small does a simian have to be to constitute a fair fight with a human? Spider monkey? Bonobo? ---
**Author:** ![groman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/73ab20/32.png) [@groman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/groman)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2007, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/16 "2007-01-15T02:23:41Z")
Well, if you can get the gorilla to run away from you across a huge grassy valley, you could probably chase it until it collapsed and died of exhaustion. That’s the only physiological upper hand you have as a human being – if something is running away from you, you don’t have to keep up, just not lose track. ---
**Author:** ![Sage\_Rat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sage_rat/32/399_2.png) [@Sage\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sage_Rat)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2007, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/17 "2007-01-15T02:26:18Z")
Put on a blond wig and stand next to the Empire States building? ---
**Author:** ![Argent\_Towers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e8c25b/32.png) [@Argent\_Towers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Argent_Towers)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2007, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/18 "2007-01-15T03:40:26Z")
Wear a monkey mask. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2007, 3:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/19 "2007-01-15T03:54:47Z")
Moses and Aaron on a stick, have you never seen a gorilla close up? They are muscled like a horse. They’d rip a human apart like a chicken. Chimps bite off the face and genetalia to incapacitate victims, be they other chimps or [humans.](http://www.cbc.ca/world/story/2005/03/04/chimpanzee-attack050304.html) I’ll up what the man said, the best martial art against an ape is a 12 gauge. ---
**Author:** ![David\_Simmons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9de053/32.png) [@David\_Simmons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/David_Simmons)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2007, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/20 "2007-01-15T04:09:38Z")
[QUOTE=alterego] In Man vs. Gorilla, suppose your hypothetical man could have any skills - the foremost expert in the world and trained since birth. He is also an expert in gorilla anatomy. What skills would you give him, and how would he go about defeating this gorilla in hand to hand combat given his knowledge? Or do you say it’s impossible? I am particularly interested in martial arts that are supposed to work irrespective of size and strength. While I was studying Ki-Aikido, for example, an expert once came in, and I was absolutely amazed at how effortlessly this small old man could throw even the largest men present. But you can of course pick any martial art of your liking (with no weapons). Related column: [Can a 90-lb. chimp clobber a full-grown man?](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a1_001b.html) [/QUOTE] I don’t know about a 90 lb. chimpanze, but [here’s what two of them did.](http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/state/20050304-0117-ca-chimpanzeeattack.html) > [@](#): > > Kern County Sheriff’s Cmdr. Hal Chealander told The Bakersfield Californian that besides the damage to his face, Davis had his testicles and foot mauled off. Buddy, a 16-year-old male chimp, initiated the attack and after he was shot, Ollie, a 13-year-old male, grabbed the gravely injured man and dragged him down the road, according to Chealander. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990.md?page=2)