# What skills and knowledge would I need to defeat a gorilla in hand to hand combat? **URL:** \ **Category:** Factual Questions\ **Created:** [January 14, 2007, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990 "2007-01-14T22:28:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![OneCentStamp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/13edae/32.png) [@OneCentStamp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OneCentStamp)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2007, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/41 "2007-01-15T21:54:41Z")
[QUOTE=Lumpy] I’m sorry, the only “hand to hand” technique that would have a chance is being able to smoothly pull the trigger of a .44 magnum. [/QUOTE] Make that smoothly pull the trigger **several times**. ---
**Author:** ![alterego](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6bbea6/32.png) [@alterego](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alterego)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2007, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/42 "2007-01-15T23:26:49Z")
What if you were willing to sacrifice your non-dominant hand? Suppose you reached out with your left hand, enticing the gorilla to go after it, and with your right hand reached in and removed one of his eyeballs. Surely having an eyeball pulled out of its socket would incapacitate even an angry gorilla? ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2007, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/43 "2007-01-15T23:30:57Z")
But surely having a left hand pulled out of its socket would incapacitate even an angry gorilla-fighter? I don’t know about you, but losing a hand tends to ruin my whole day. ---
**Author:** ![Burrido](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Burrido](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Burrido)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2007, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/44 "2007-01-15T23:34:05Z")
Travel to lone Kung fu master in the mountains of China and learn Five-Point-Palm Exploding Heart Technique. ---
**Author:** ![Raguleader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/258eb7/32.png) [@Raguleader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raguleader)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2007, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/45 "2007-01-15T23:59:38Z")
[QUOTE=Capa84] bear vs gorilla [/QUOTE] Bear in Sherman tank vs. Gorilla with Panzerfaust. ---
**Author:** ![MovieMogul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f08c70/32.png) [@MovieMogul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MovieMogul)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2007, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/46 "2007-01-16T00:04:37Z")
[QUOTE=Earl Snake-Hips Tucker] How about chimp vs. gorilla. I know gorillas are much bigger, and probably stronger, and battle each other over dominance–but chimps are just damn mean, and gorillas are rumored to be rather shy. Any guesses??? [/QUOTE] Why guess? Looks like a midnight trip to the zoo is in order… ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2007, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/47 "2007-01-16T00:05:47Z")
If you had a boar spear- _maybe._ :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![lizardling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f4b2a3/32.png) [@lizardling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lizardling)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2007, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/48 "2007-01-16T00:07:15Z")
I vote for attaching a shiny thingamajig to the ring on a hand grenade, and then giving it to the gorilla. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2007, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/49 "2007-01-16T00:10:30Z")
[QUOTE=lizardling] I vote for attaching a shiny thingamajig to the ring on a hand grenade, and then giving it to the gorilla. 😃 [/QUOTE] As far as I’m concerned, we have a winner. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Raguleader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/258eb7/32.png) [@Raguleader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raguleader)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2007, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/50 "2007-01-16T00:18:36Z")
[QUOTE=carnivorousplant] As far as I’m concerned, we have a winner. 🙂 [/QUOTE] Don’t forget to run and jump behind something solid. Modern hand grenades have a 15 meter kill radius. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2007, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/51 "2007-01-16T00:24:55Z")
Drive up to gorilla in D4 bulldozer. Reach around blade, hand gorilla grenade with fruit tied to ring on a long pole. Shift into reverse. Drive like hell, keeping blade between yourself and the great ape. ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2007, 12:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/52 "2007-01-16T00:37:09Z")
Also remember that once the pin is pulled Mr. Grenade is no longer your friend. ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2007, 12:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/53 "2007-01-16T00:41:17Z")
> [@](#): > > I’d guess that tools made the energy devoted to building up muscle not well spent, since if we simply carried around a spear like any sensible paleolithic we’d be able to defeat a chimp with or without huge muscles. Nitpick: The sensible paleolithic would be using a pretty good club or other blunt weapon, or possibly even a crude sling, but not a spear. For a spear, you’d either need a sharpened stone point, or a wood point whittled sharp with a stone knife, and in either case sharpened stone tools put you, by definition, in the neolithic age. And I’m not sure I’d make the blanket statement that our muscles are “inferior”, either. Our leverage is not as conducive to exerting large forces, but it is better for quick, low-force movements (such as, say, throwing things, one thing we’re really good at compared to other animals). ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2007, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/54 "2007-01-16T00:53:31Z")
[QUOTE=Chronos] but it is better for quick, low-force movements (such as, say, throwing things, one thing we’re really good at compared to other animals). [/QUOTE] My trip to the zoo in the rain was a total disaster, not in the least because the Head Chimp nailed Mrs. Plant with a dirt clod in the eye (yes, thank G-d, dirt) at fifty feet. ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2007, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/55 "2007-01-16T01:33:30Z")
I have no idea if this is true or not, but it was told to me by my physical anthropology professor in undergrad in the mid 90’s: he said that gorrillas, despite being powerhouses, are extremely non-agressive, and the only verified instance of an uprovoked attack on a human was when a guy suprised one when they were both making their way through some tall grass. The gorrilla freaked out, took one wild swing before he booked it, and broke the guy’s jaw. So, assuming this was true, the best knowledge you can attain to survive hand-to-hand combat with a gorrilla is how to avoid tall grass in gorilla country. ---
**Author:** ![Raguleader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/258eb7/32.png) [@Raguleader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Raguleader)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2007, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/56 "2007-01-16T01:58:59Z")
[QUOTE=carnivorousplant] My trip to the zoo in the rain was a total disaster, not in the least because the Head Chimp nailed Mrs. Plant with a dirt clod in the eye (yes, thank G-d, dirt) at fifty feet. [/QUOTE] Now, let’s see the monkey try the same thing with a 16 inch naval rifle from 15 miles away with the aid of a targeting drone. Humans are MUCH better at flinging stuff long distances. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2007, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/57 "2007-01-16T02:19:12Z")
Apes. They are apes. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2007, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/58 "2007-01-16T04:27:32Z")
> [@](#): > > My trip to the zoo in the rain was a total disaster, not in the least because the Head Chimp nailed Mrs. Plant with a dirt clod in the eye (yes, thank G-d, dirt) at fifty feet. Oh, our close kin are pretty good throwers, as animals go. I won’t deny that. But we’re still much better than them at it. Even a nerd like me could easily beat that chimp’s throw (using unaugmented muscle power alone, wise guys). ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2007, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/59 "2007-01-16T12:50:32Z")
[QUOTE=pravnik] I have no idea if this is true or not, but it was told to me by my physical anthropology professor in undergrad in the mid 90’s: he said that gorrillas, despite being powerhouses, are extremely non-agressive, and the only verified instance of an uprovoked attack on a human was when a guy suprised one when they were both making their way through some tall grass. The gorrilla freaked out, took one wild swing before he booked it, and broke the guy’s jaw. So, assuming this was true, the best knowledge you can attain to survive hand-to-hand combat with a gorrilla is how to avoid tall grass in gorilla country. [/QUOTE] Nuts. Gorillas have killed keepers in zoos. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2007, 12:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990/60 "2007-01-16T12:59:57Z")
[QUOTE=OneCentStamp] Make that smoothly pull the trigger **several times**. [/QUOTE] In emergency, disregard “smoothly” :D. I think we’re talking **BLAM!!** **BLAM!!** **BLAM!!** **BLAM!!** **BLAM!!** **BLAM!!** **BLAM!!** **BLAM!!** **BLAM!!** **BLAM!!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** **Click!** … here. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-skills-and-knowledge-would-i-need-to-defeat-a-gorilla-in-hand-to-hand-combat/387990.md?page=4)