# What Sort Of A Spouse Would You Like **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 2, 2010, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318 "2010-02-02T01:57:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/61 "2010-02-02T18:56:12Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > In that order? I didn’t think about the order, but probably. No arguments about the first two, and the third just falls into place. ---
**Author:** ![Kyla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/eada6e/32.png) [@Kyla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyla)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/62 "2010-02-02T19:06:13Z")
I don’t get the “I want to marry someone who’s smart, but not as smart as me” thing. I’ve dated someone who wasn’t as smart as I am (or, at least not as intellectually curious, let’s say) and it was irritating, and probably a major factor in our eventual breakup. It gets boring. I’d rather be someone who is at least my equal in curiosity. Actual smarts, I don’t know. I used to date this incredibly smart guy, and at first it was kind of intimidating, but eventually I realized that while he was an amazing student and all, he was really dumb in a lot of other ways outside of the classroom. (Which wasn’t a factor in our eventual breakup, although maybe it should have been.) I guess I’m thinking about this because BF #1 just PMed me on Facebook and we chatted for a few minutes. I’d want my spouse to be someone to whom I’m attracted (and vice versa), has a good sense of humor, has lots of interests, is relatively well-educated, and has a similar worldview to me. I’m an atheist and a liberal and I don’t think I would be compatible with a conservative or a very religious person. They would also have to put up with my career goal of working in international development, which cuts down the dating pool a _lot_. ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/63 "2010-02-02T19:09:11Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > I think most of the women who fall in the “rat race” category are the ones whose spouses are picking them to be arm candy instead of a life partner. I guess I was thinking of something a little less superficial. More like: “I need a man to be and act competitive, so I can feel confident about him as a man.” ---
**Author:** ![breaking-reality](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a8b319/32.png) [@breaking-reality](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/breaking-reality)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/64 "2010-02-02T20:21:29Z")
The biggest for me would be (1) having a sense of humor, especially dry/sarcastic. I like to banter back and forth and I find that nothing can end an argument like finding something to laugh about. (2) Intelligence is also a big factor for me, and (3) passion goes right along with this. It drives me nuts to be with someone who doesn’t seem to get excited about anything. It doesn’t have to be the same thing that excites me, all the better if we have different interests. (4) Similar goals/money management. After having this be the number one fight with my ex, having someone who doesn’t like to spend money as soon as it comes in, or hoard it all into a savings account is very important me. Honestly, I’m not even sure if I would be able to have a joint account with someone again, not unless I also had a separate ‘just me’ account. Besides those things, I think only the obvious remains: that I be attracted to them and have good chemistry. ---
**Author:** ![otternell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecc23a/32.png) [@otternell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/otternell)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/65 "2010-02-02T20:26:03Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > In that order? > > Gotta ask, ladies…How much of that means “willing to share life’s burdens and contribute to life’s necessities” and how much is “willing to play the game and run the rat race so I don’t feel ashamed to be seen with him”? The first. While his lack of employment pisses me right off, if I had a job that fully supported us, I would have no problem with him not taking regular employment. Its not a shame thing for me at all. ETA: it did occur to me that an important characteristic for me at the time we started dating was also good taste in music. If he didn’t like heavy metal, I would never have found out about funny, nice or intelligent. ---
**Author:** ![breaking-reality](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a8b319/32.png) [@breaking-reality](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/breaking-reality)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/66 "2010-02-02T20:37:15Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > I guess I was thinking of something a little less superficial. More like: “I need a man to be and act competitive, so I can feel confident about him as a man.” I think the issue is (at least in my experience) them feeling more confident in themselves as a man. My ex was hardest to be around when he lost his job and I was taking care of the bills. He didn’t do a lot of housework, he was crabby and snapped at me ALL the time, and he spent most of his time in a funk. Once he found a job, it was like being with a completely different person. As a side note, I think a little competitiveness is healthy. I don’t care if the person I’m with is constantly striving to make more money or move up, if they’re happy where they’re at, that’s great. But without any sense of competition there’s no desire to do better or challenge yourself. …Maybe I’ve gone off point and this isn’t what you meant, though. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/67 "2010-02-02T20:40:22Z")
I’m planning on burning with lust forever with a combined death bed marriage ceremony/repentance. ---
**Author:** ![Rafe\_Hollister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/fbc32d/32.png) [@Rafe\_Hollister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rafe_Hollister)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/68 "2010-02-02T20:42:47Z")
I got married at 23 and wanted a wife with big boobs. I got that. Now that I’m 35 I realize I should’ve narrowed things down quite a bit. ---
**Author:** ![MN\_Maenad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e95f7d/32.png) [@MN\_Maenad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MN_Maenad)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/69 "2010-02-02T20:55:47Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > I guess I was thinking of something a little less superficial. More like: “I need a man to be and act competitive, so I can feel confident about him as a man.” I’ve known men that equate competition with being manly. I am a woman who does not. For me, it’s more about being competent than competitive, which is something I expect from everyone. The longer I’m married the more I value the ability to step back and look at why you believe what you believe and want what you want. A lot of good compromise is based on working backward and then finding a solution that fits both of your needs. Other than that, I wanted (and got) someone who is a peer, has similar values and sense of humor, and who will do the whole give-and-take thing. I try to clean the moldy food out of the fridge once in a while if he’ll pay closer attention to the dishes. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [February 2, 2010, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/70 "2010-02-02T20:57:42Z")
> [@Rafe\_Hollister](#): > > I got married at 23 and wanted a wife with big boobs. I got that. Now that I’m 35 I realize I should’ve narrowed things down quite a bit. A better bra will do that. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2010, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/71 "2010-02-03T00:20:31Z")
> [@breaking-reality](#): > > I think the issue is (at least in my experience) them feeling more confident in themselves as a man. My ex was hardest to be around when he lost his job and I was taking care of the bills. He didn’t do a lot of housework, he was crabby and snapped at me ALL the time, and he spent most of his time in a funk. Once he found a job, it was like being with a completely different person. > > As a side note, I think a little competitiveness is healthy. I don’t care if the person I’m with is constantly striving to make more money or move up, if they’re happy where they’re at, that’s great. But without any sense of competition there’s no desire to do better or challenge yourself. …Maybe I’ve gone off point and this isn’t what you meant, though. It pretty much is, thanks. I’ve had lifelong problems with achievement, intimacy, and self-esteem and it’s been a barrier to healthy relationships. I agree that people who feel useless aren’t attractive, but it isn’t realistic to represent myself any other way. ---
**Author:** ![Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/f04885/32.png) [@Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qin_Shi_Huangdi)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2010, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/72 "2010-02-03T01:28:45Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Maybe. Maybe its an agreed upon arrangement between all parties that all parties are content with. Not my cup of tea, but I’m not going to throw stones at someone else’s happiness. One person’s “isn’t that perfectly normal?” is another persons “disgusting fetish.” If you know my views on morality you’d know what I’m meaning. Now I"ll shut up on that part for the rest of the thread. > [@Broomstick](#): > > It has been my observation and experience that politicians don’t go into the profession to help others, they do it help themselves. Occasionally, along the way, other people get helped, too. Well depends. You don’t become as rich being a politician than being a CEO or banker. Some politicians do really do it for the nation people like Polk, Lincoln, Reagan, McCain, and some others. > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Marriage doesn’t change either one of these things, and what’s wrong with either of them if you’re single? See response to Dangerosa. > [@badbadrubberpiggy](#): > > I was commenting on the OP’s list, specifically, not anyone who has qualities they’d like in a spouse. His list seems rather nit-picky and specific - smart, but not as smart as him, good looking but in a really specific way, etc. > > There’s a difference between wanting someone who has the same values, and having an image in your head nobody is going to be able to live up to. Actually I’m one of the top three or so smartest people in my grade level so most likely my spouse will not be intelligent as me. And as for in appearance at least I’ve seen (and briefly talked with a girl) who fits my criterion-though I strongly doubt I’ll end up married to her. > [@pbbth](#): > > 1. Love me for who I am > 2. Be a responsible adult > 3. Have a good sense of humor > > In my experience the longer your list the more likely you will end up alone because no one can meet those requirements. Seriously, **Curtis** , if you found a woman who met all of your requirements but was attractive in a sexy way as opposed to a graceful way would you walk away from that because it wasn’t exactly what you put on your list? These are just guidelines not a strict laundary list. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2010, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/73 "2010-02-03T01:37:36Z")
Your grade level? Are you in high school? That explains a lot. FYI, practically everybody here was the smart kid in their class. The board tends to attract that type. They’re a dime a dozen. It won’t be hard for you to find one. ---
**Author:** ![Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/f04885/32.png) [@Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qin_Shi_Huangdi)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2010, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/74 "2010-02-03T02:05:59Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Your grade level? Are you in high school? That explains a lot. > > FYI, practically everybody here was the smart kid in their class. The board tends to attract that type. They’re a dime a dozen. It won’t be hard for you to find one. 8th Grade though it’s a very small (50 to 60 kids). ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2010, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/75 "2010-02-03T02:06:46Z")
> [@Curtis LeMay](#): > > If you know my views on morality you’d know what I’m meaning. Now I"ll shut up on that part for the rest of the thread. I know what you are meaning. Just disagree that its black and white, or that your views on morality are what Alice chooses to apply to her life, and I was responding to her. Beware of Doug - that’s “willing to share life’s burdens” - nothing like marrying a guy who quits jobs (or repeatedly loses them), sits around while you mow the lawn, doesn’t clean the bathroom, doesn’t do laundry, doesn’t feed himself, and looks at dingy walls day after day without it ever occurring to him that a paint brush and can of paint can be acquired and fixing that will take half a day. However, one of life’s burden’s is figuring out what to do and doing it (or arranging that it gets done) - so some form of self-starter is implicit in that. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2010, 2:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/76 "2010-02-03T02:14:01Z")
> [@Curtis LeMay](#): > > 8th Grade though it’s a very small (50 to 60 kids). So you are maybe in the 94th percentile - assuming the population of your school is normal. You won’t have any problem finding plenty of women as bright as you are. The other thing is that as you get older you discover the idea of “different” intelligence. If you ask me who is smarter, I’d tell you my husband is. He has a better head for facts and can synthesize information better. He’s better with language as well. But he’d tell you I am - I grasp connections and abstractions better and can assess likely outcomes better and have a broader base of “general” knowledge in things like Literature, History, Art. (I don’t doubt he has the higher IQ…but there is not a question that I’m better looking.) ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2010, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/77 "2010-02-03T02:58:32Z")
> [@Curtis LeMay](#): > > 8th Grade though it’s a very small (50 to 60 kids). I didn’t realize you were so young. Your posting style actually makes more sense now. Actually, for an 8th grader, you’re fairly bright. I’ll tell you that a lot of how you view the world now is going to be completely different by the time you’re old enough to get married. When you start having real relationships, you won’t be ticking off check boxes. You’ll be dealing with those partners as they are, not as abstract sets of criteria. Don’t be surprised if a woman ends up changing the way you think about some things. In fact, I can just about guarantee that will happen. ---
**Author:** ![StGermain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stgermain/32/2868_2.png) [@StGermain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StGermain)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2010, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/78 "2010-02-03T04:02:55Z")
I’d like someone who respects me, who I can respect. I’d strongly prefer him to be Catholic, although I could possibly compromise if he didn’t expect me to change my faith. He’s have to be an animal lover. Someone who would help around the farm - stacking hay by myself is hard work! A reasonable income. It would be nice to be supported in luxury, but it would just as nice to be able to share the expenses with someone else. I don’t want kids, and I’m getting too old for them, but if he had kids, I’d love them. And probably buy them ponies. I’d like sort of a homebody, because I don’t want to be out late every night hanging with friends. That’s nice occasionally, but there’s no place like home. No wonder I’m still singe at 48. StG ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2010, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/79 "2010-02-03T04:28:36Z")
One that stays in love with me. ---
**Author:** ![Elyanna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b5ac83/32.png) [@Elyanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elyanna)\ **Post date:** [February 3, 2010, 7:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/80 "2010-02-03T07:55:58Z")
Midget showing up on doorstop dressed as cupid. Painted gold. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318.md?page=5)