# What Sort Of A Spouse Would You Like **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 2, 2010, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318 "2010-02-02T01:57:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![History\_Monk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/67e7ee/32.png) [@History\_Monk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/History_Monk)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/161 "2010-02-11T05:44:36Z")
Curtis LeMay, you of course don’t have to justify yourself to me, a random stranger on the internet, but why would you want to marry someone less smart than you? I don’t even tend to have friendships with people who aren’t smarter than me. (Admittedly, people smarter than me aren’t terribly difficult to find, but even so…) I’m just interested in your rationale. What’s the appeal in (possibly) spending the rest of your life with someone dumber than you are? And no, this isn’t rhetorical, I’m just curious about the appeal of it to you. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/162 "2010-02-11T06:28:23Z")
> [@Curtis LeMay](#): > > I believe it’s accredited although again I’m not going there. Ah, you’re right – it finally did so about four years ago. Nevermind then. ---
**Author:** ![B.Serum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/b.serum/32/14266_2.png) [@B.Serum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/B.Serum)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/163 "2010-02-11T17:06:25Z")
A new Onion [video](http://www.theonion.com/content/video/nasa_scientists_plan_to_approach) that made me think of this thread for some reason. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/164 "2010-02-11T17:13:25Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > FYI, practically everybody here was the smart kid in their class. . . Not me, I was a Straight C student without cracking a book and staring off into space into my own fantasy world. Where’s my prize? ---
**Author:** ![BlinkingDuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eada6e/32.png) [@BlinkingDuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlinkingDuck)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/165 "2010-02-11T17:17:56Z")
> [@Beware\_of\_Doug](#): > > Female. At least part-time heterosexual. Drinks. Eats meat. Not physically repulsive. Mental health under generally good control. > > This is asking a lot. I had: - Not obese - Reasonably mentally stable. That knocked out 99.9% of the women interested in me when I was in my 20’s. It really is asking alot. ---
**Author:** ![legalsnugs](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/45deac/32.png) [@legalsnugs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/legalsnugs)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/166 "2010-02-11T17:37:47Z")
> [@Shirley\_Ujest](#): > > Not me, I was a Straight C student without cracking a book and staring off into space into my own fantasy world. Where’s my prize? That does not disqualify you as the smartest kid in the class. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![MeanOldLady](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/meanoldlady/32/10737_2.png) [@MeanOldLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MeanOldLady)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/167 "2010-02-11T17:54:03Z")
> [@BlinkingDuck](#): > > I had: > > - Not obese > > - Reasonably mentally stable. > > That knocked out 99.9% of the women interested in me when I was in my 20’s. > > It really is asking alot. It’s the not crazy part that’s killing you folks. I’ve revised my criteria to “Possibly crazy, but in a way that is acceptable to me. And good in the sack.” ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 7:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/168 "2010-02-11T19:59:03Z")
> [@Curtis LeMay](#): > > Assuming I do get married would it be probable that my prospective wife would be a virgin? Also will she be able to not mind putting off sex until after the marriage? It is not reasonable to assume any random woman who has reached an age appropriate for marriage is a virgin. But there ARE women who wait until they are married to have sex. So it is probable that, if it is important to you, you will not marry a woman who is a virgin. That will, however, lower the pool of women that you would be willing to marry, and possibly you will spend a lot of time dating women only to break up with them when you discover the state of their hymen (as asking “are you a virgin and if so, would you like to go have a cup of coffee” is not generally a great pick up line.) Your chances of finding a virgin go up significantly if you spend more of your time is social circles where virginity is more common (conservative churches or schools) and less time where virginity is scoffed at (pick up bars, pagan retreats). Also, if you date younger women - many women will wait for Mr. Right to come for some period of time, and when they don’t find him, decide pre-marital sex is a valid option for them after all. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/169 "2010-02-11T20:12:09Z")
Even in those social groups and subcultures, virginity can become pretty technical (lotta saddlebackin’ going on), or even “renewed.” A buddy of mine way back in the day once dated a “born-again virgin,” which was something new to us at the time. Apparently, if you say some magic words, it makes you a virgin again (my buddy undid that pretty quickly, though). ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/170 "2010-02-11T20:26:33Z")
> [@Curtis LeMay](#): > > Assuming I do get married would it be probable that my prospective wife would be a virgin? Also will she be able to not mind putting off sex until after the marriage? I am a non-Christian, but it seems to me from a purely Christian perspective, aren’t all things forgiven in Jesus? If she wasn’t a virgin, but she ended up dating you it’s pretty clear she’d have to be okay with not having sex until marriage while with you. That should be enough. It’s not going to be a common thing, though, and as **Dio** said a lot of folks play the technicality game (I did it myself–when I was Catholic and sixteen it was really really easy to pretend oral sex “didn’t count”–and my 13-yr-old self would have been horrified if you’d told me that’s how I’d end up.) I’m going to echo the other posters here a bit with some generic advice. I was a Roman Catholic version of you when I was your age–I was top 1 or 2 of my class of 90 people, very religious and conservative, knew exactly what I wanted from a wife/girlfriend (long hair, housewife, matched my beliefs in every way), had my whole life planned out (I was going to double-major in nuclear and aerospace engineering and get into NASA, in fact) and was confident in all of it. So now I’m 30, a Zen Buddhist, a system administrator with an Operations Management degree (and a 3.74 GPA, a far cry from the 98.8% grade average I pulled in 8th grade!), married (short hair, strongly disagree on any number of political issues while sharing a basic moral sensibility, works as a professional writer/editor) no kids and two cats. But you know, I’m happy as a clam. Things change, and all I’m gonna say is whether they change or not for you try not to end up hating yourself for not being what you thought you’d be. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/171 "2010-02-11T20:52:44Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Even in those social groups and subcultures, virginity can become pretty technical (lotta saddlebackin’ going on), or even “renewed.” > > A buddy of mine way back in the day once dated a “born-again virgin,” which was something new to us at the time. Apparently, if you say some magic words, it makes you a virgin again (my buddy undid that pretty quickly, though). And that makes for an even better pick up experience - “Please fill out this sixty question form on your sexual experience…” Or you could hand people the purity test. I bet you wouldn’t get many dates. ---
**Author:** ![Asimovian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asimovian/32/172_2.png) [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/172 "2010-02-11T21:10:36Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > Or you could hand people the purity test. I bet you wouldn’t get many dates. Oh, I don’t know – doing the purity test together can make for a pretty fun date night. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/173 "2010-02-11T21:19:48Z")
> [@Asimovian](#): > > Oh, I don’t know – doing the purity test together can make for a pretty fun date night. 🙂 I suspect not for someone looking for a virgin to marry… ---
**Author:** ![tacoloco](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7993a0/32.png) [@tacoloco](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tacoloco)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/174 "2010-02-11T21:42:37Z")
A spec sheet and feature list for Spouse 1.0 is all well and good, but for many people, it all goes out the window when someone comes along and you just click with them. ---
**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/175 "2010-02-11T21:46:08Z")
> [@legalsnugs](#): > > That does not disqualify you as the smartest kid in the class. 😃 Thanks! ---
**Author:** ![Shot\_From\_Guns](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ccd318/32.png) [@Shot\_From\_Guns](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shot_From_Guns)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/176 "2010-02-11T22:33:37Z")
Hrm, let’s see. Off the top of my head… [ul][li]About as smart as I am, if not smarter (if I had to choose, I’d rather be the stupider one)[/li][li]Funny and thinks I’m funny[/li][li]Able to admit when he’s wrong and encouraging of me to do the same[/li][li]At a minimum, a tolerance for each others’ interests[/li][li]Considerate of others[/li][li]Good manners or the willingness to be taught good manners (e.g., don’t be chewing with your mouth open and bringing your face down to the plate so you can keep your elbow on the table, dammit)[/li][li]If not conventionally attractive, at least confident in his own appearance (so, a fat guy who likes how he looks could be okay, but not a fat guy who hates that he’s fat)[/li][li]Intellectually curious[/li][li]Compatible in terms of the naughty, sinful sex things that poor \*\*CLM \*\*is trying to avoid[/li][li]Probably an atheist or at least an agnostic[/ul][/li] > [@Curtis LeMay](#): > > (WARNING: This will ramble on for a bit and to some of the more “progressive” members of our board will sound old fashioned possibly even sexist though I don’t think it is) While I had some issues with your list that others have addressed here, I wanted to stop to observe that you’re right: it’s not sexist. What would be sexist would be expecting every woman to be like you want your wife to be, but at long as that’s just your personal preference, that’s fine. Sexism comes in when you expect those traits to be intrinsic to the gender. So, “this is what I want in a woman” is fine; “this is what I think all women should be like” is not. > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I think it’s kind of like being over 6 feet tall, but not like NBA tall. Hijack: This is actually one of the things I love about the building where I work. I’m a six-foot-tall woman, which is pretty unusual, but somehow this place is like a magnet for the 5’10"-and-over female crowd. I’ve never in my life been around so many other women close to my height or taller. > [@Curtis LeMay](#): > > Assuming I do get married would it be probable that my prospective wife would be a virgin? Also will she be able to not mind putting off sex until after the marriage? 1.) Depending on how old you are, there’s probably a good chance that she’s had PIV sex (and a bigger chance that she’s been on either the giving or receiving end of manual or oral), with the probability increasing as you get older. 2.) If she’s waiting already, she won’t mind waiting longer. But if she’s already had sex, she probably won’t want to wait until marriage to have it with you. Speaking personally, a guy who wasn’t interested in sex outside of marriage would almost certainly be a deal-breaker for me. > [@Curtis LeMay](#): > > Why not-they don’t force you to be Catholic? I get along with them better than the leftist Harvard or Berkeley intellectuals. I can’t speak for other Jesuit universities, but mine (Marquette) was relatively liberal. I don’t know where you’re getting the idea that being Christian means you have to be conservative; part of the reason I broke with the Church is that, IMO, any Christian who isn’t a radical socialist is a massive hypocrite. And no, Jesuit universities don’t require you to be Catholic or even Christian: while I was raised Catholic, I was pretty well on my way to being an atheist by the time I started college, and firmly atheist by the time I left. ---
**Author:** ![badbadrubberpiggy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/57b2e6/32.png) [@badbadrubberpiggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/badbadrubberpiggy)\ **Post date:** [February 11, 2010, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/177 "2010-02-11T22:47:08Z")
> [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > I can’t speak for other Jesuit universities, but mine (Marquette) was relatively liberal. I don’t know where you’re getting the idea that being Christian means you have to be conservative; part of the reason I broke with the Church is that, IMO, any Christian who isn’t a radical socialist is a massive hypocrite. And no, Jesuit universities don’t require you to be Catholic or even Christian: while I was raised Catholic, I was pretty well on my way to being an atheist by the time I started college, and firmly atheist by the time I left. Another anecdote, my husband went to Jesuit school to get his first masters degree, and was (is) an atheist. He was not required to be Catholic, or any religion at all. ---
**Author:** ![Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/f04885/32.png) [@Qin\_Shi\_Huangdi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qin_Shi_Huangdi)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/178 "2010-02-12T01:44:30Z")
> [@History\_Monk](#): > > Curtis LeMay, you of course don’t have to justify yourself to me, a random stranger on the internet, but why would you want to marry someone less smart than you? I don’t even tend to have friendships with people who aren’t smarter than me. (Admittedly, people smarter than me aren’t terribly difficult to find, but even so…) I’m just interested in your rationale. What’s the appeal in (possibly) spending the rest of your life with someone dumber than you are? And no, this isn’t rhetorical, I’m just curious about the appeal of it to you. I’m not looking for a dumb person in fact I am unwilling to marry one of those moronic whores many women are to be. I want a fairly intelligent one but not necessrily someone smart as me. > [@Shot\_From\_Guns](#): > > 1.) Depending on how old you are, there’s probably a good chance that she’s had PIV sex (and a bigger chance that she’s been on either the giving or receiving end of manual or oral), with the probability increasing as you get older. > > 2.) If she’s waiting already, she won’t mind waiting longer. But if she’s already had sex, she probably won’t want to wait until marriage to have it with you. Speaking personally, a guy who wasn’t interested in sex outside of marriage would almost certainly be a deal-breaker for me. I’m only thirteen. > [@](#): > > I can’t speak for other Jesuit universities, but mine (Marquette) was relatively liberal. I don’t know where you’re getting the idea that being Christian means you have to be conservative; part of the reason I broke with the Church is that, IMO, any Christian who isn’t a radical socialist is a massive hypocrite. And no, Jesuit universities don’t require you to be Catholic or even Christian: while I was raised Catholic, I was pretty well on my way to being an atheist by the time I started college, and firmly atheist by the time I left. The Roman Catholic Church is quite conservative. ---
**Author:** ![Zeriel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/58956e/32.png) [@Zeriel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zeriel)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 1:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/179 "2010-02-12T01:59:30Z")
> [@Curtis LeMay](#): > > The Roman Catholic Church is quite conservative. Whiel that’s true, the Jesuits are significantly more liberal than the Catholic Church as a whole–and realistically, the Catholic Church is a lot more liberal than the typical American Protestant Church on many issues (like, for example, the positive moral value of welfare and a social safety net) ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [February 12, 2010, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318/180 "2010-02-12T02:07:07Z")
> [@Curtis LeMay](#): > > I’m not looking for a dumb person in fact I am unwilling to marry one of those moronic whores many women are to be. I want a fairly intelligent one but not necessrily someone smart as me. I’m sure you’ll have to beat the moronic whores off with a stick. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-sort-of-a-spouse-would-you-like/527318.md?page=10)