# What species is your monkey butler? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 23, 2011, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-is-your-monkey-butler/600546 "2011-10-23T16:28:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-is-your-monkey-butler/600546/1 "2011-10-23T16:28:46Z")
Monkey butlers. We all adore them. But when you picture your dream monkey butler, what kind of monkey is he? Capuchin? Rhesus? Macaque? Baboon? And while we’re at it, what are his primary duties? His strengths? Does he get to wear a hat with his uniform? I know I may be courting trouble, but the idea of a mandrill butler sounds too awesome to be true. ---
**Author:** ![Ostrya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/35a633/32.png) [@Ostrya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ostrya)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-is-your-monkey-butler/600546/2 "2011-10-23T17:23:27Z")
It would be a Rhesus named Peanut Butter Cup. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-is-your-monkey-butler/600546/3 "2011-10-23T17:41:03Z")
You gotta go with the Chimpanzee. They’re the Cadillac of monkeys. ---
**Author:** ![LawMonkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/d6d6ee/32.png) [@LawMonkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LawMonkey)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-is-your-monkey-butler/600546/4 "2011-10-23T19:00:13Z")
Ringtailed lemur, of course. His primary duty is to bite my prostitutes right on the face. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-is-your-monkey-butler/600546/5 "2011-10-23T19:06:08Z")
Gods. When my eyes flicked over the title I thought it said ‘What spices in your monkey butter?’ ---
**Author:** ![lazybratsche](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ba8739/32.png) [@lazybratsche](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lazybratsche)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-is-your-monkey-butler/600546/6 "2011-10-23T19:07:41Z")
Spider monkey, because my monkey butler greats guests by swinging by his tail from the chandelier. Plus, he has more hands and feet free to carry my stuff. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 7:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-is-your-monkey-butler/600546/7 "2011-10-23T19:15:40Z")
Bonobos. Their tool use and conflict resolution system can’t be beat. I want several bonobos because otherwise, I expect my cats to be frequently violated. Duties include all domestic chores such as cleaning, ironing and probably cooking if they show enough potential. I will also make them type randomly on computer keyboards and see if the saying is true. The use of hats will be entirely dependent on whether the historical character they’re dressed as that day wore one. Note: I presume that when you say “monkey”, you mean to include all primates. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-is-your-monkey-butler/600546/8 "2011-10-23T19:20:38Z")
[Japanese macaque](http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_HmwaFEtsYDo/TE5Z1OuxbxI/AAAAAAAAAG0/c5AKMjN5AiU/s1600/SnowMonkeyMM6829_0050_c.jpg). Massage and light cleaning. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-is-your-monkey-butler/600546/9 "2011-10-23T20:01:51Z")
> [@MichaelEmouse](#): > > Note: I presume that when you say “monkey”, you mean to include all primates. Well, I hadn’t considered that but why not? But not humans. Where’s the fun in that? ---
**Author:** ![MichaelEmouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/michaelemouse/32/101_2.png) [@MichaelEmouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelEmouse)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-is-your-monkey-butler/600546/10 "2011-10-23T20:04:34Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > But not humans. Where’s the fun in that? If you get to treat them like monkeys, SO MUCH! ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-is-your-monkey-butler/600546/11 "2011-10-23T20:46:17Z")
Whatever kind is good at getting these bloody splinters out of my foot. ---
**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-is-your-monkey-butler/600546/12 "2011-10-23T21:04:43Z")
[The Red Uakari Monkey](http://images.nationalgeographic.com/wpf/media-live/photos/000/006/cache/red-uakari-monkey_682_600x450.jpg)–as I think he looks a little like Winston Churchill, or a senior law partner, or a stockbroker,or…a butler. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [October 23, 2011, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-is-your-monkey-butler/600546/13 "2011-10-23T22:33:47Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > Monkey butlers. We all adore them. But when you picture your dream monkey butler, what kind of monkey is he? A flying monkey from Oz. ---
**Author:** ![appleciders](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/85f322/32.png) [@appleciders](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/appleciders)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-is-your-monkey-butler/600546/14 "2011-10-24T00:36:25Z")
A gorilla. With a bow tie. ---
**Author:** ![Duckster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/duckster/32/1244_2.png) [@Duckster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duckster)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 1:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-is-your-monkey-butler/600546/15 "2011-10-24T01:25:39Z")
Sasquatch. I have _no_ problems with the neighbors. ---
**Author:** ![EKDS5k](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c5a1d2/32.png) [@EKDS5k](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EKDS5k)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-is-your-monkey-butler/600546/16 "2011-10-24T04:52:11Z")
> [@appleciders](#): > > A gorilla. With a bow tie. You stole mine. But add a top hat. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-is-your-monkey-butler/600546/17 "2011-10-24T04:56:47Z")
I would pick a male [Proboscis Monkey](http://wildlifevillage.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/proboscis_monkey1.jpg). He would wear a [porkpie hat](http://content.artofmanliness.com/uploads/2008/03/porkpie.png) and his main job would be to answer the door and scare away Jehovah’s Witnesses. ---
**Author:** ![Invisible\_Chimp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/f05b48/32.png) [@Invisible\_Chimp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Invisible_Chimp)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 5:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-is-your-monkey-butler/600546/18 "2011-10-24T05:48:56Z")
Take a wild guess. ---
**Author:** ![Colibri](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/colibri/32/1841_2.png) [@Colibri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Colibri)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-is-your-monkey-butler/600546/19 "2011-10-24T15:16:11Z")
> [@appleciders](#): > > A gorilla. With a bow tie. Something like[Magilla Gorilla](http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_T0yBN1LAMoc/SFgsi_iW7II/AAAAAAAAFRA/oiIHcJ0nvOw/s400/MagillaGorilla.png)? ---
**Author:** ![Mollie\_Magill](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mollie_magill/32/20882_2.png) [@Mollie\_Magill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mollie_Magill)\ **Post date:** [October 24, 2011, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-is-your-monkey-butler/600546/20 "2011-10-24T15:19:36Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > You gotta go with the Chimpanzee. They’re the Cadillac of monkeys. Gorilla with a top hat and monocle. If chimps are the Cadillac, then they’re the Bentley of monkeys. ETA: He must have Stephen Fry’s voice. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-is-your-monkey-butler/600546.md?page=2)