# What species of Doper are YOU? (May offend.) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 10, 2001, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402 "2001-03-10T01:57:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/1 "2001-03-10T01:57:58Z")
WARNING: May offend. Dopers are a funny breed. A funny genus, too. As I see it, there are about 20 known species of Dopers although more are constantly being discovered. According to my records, the following species of Dopers exist. Each is describwed in a bit more detail below, along with synonyms, geography, habits, mating calls, sample threads and main advantages and disadvantages. So here we begin. Species 1: The Lurker Synonym: Who goes there?, Bandwidth Blocker, Ghost, Ip X, Sneaky Pete Geography: All forums Habits: Stealing your ideas for personal profit, gawking, haunting Mating Call: Shhhhh! Sample Thread: “I am a long time lurker and this is my first post” Advantages: Not irritating, mostly harmless Disadvantages: Ripping off stuff, Propensity to sock puppet, Boring. Bonus: Gets mildly irritated when called a shiftless bunch of low-lifes Species 2: Ol’ Black and White Synonym: Damn democratic, Damn republican, Daddy votes this way too Geography: GD Habits: Shamelessly baiting other members, gross oversimplification Mating Call: Kennedy’s daddy bought him the election Sample thread: “Is Ford the best president ever?” Advantages: Able to simplify complex issues Disadvantages: Insist on simplifying complex issues, pig-headedness Warning: This is not a dream! Species 3: The Gay Avengers Synonym: Gay and proud, Gay and depressed, Gay and slightly too proud Geography: omnipresent Habits: Talking about orgies, discussing penis paraphenalia Mating Call: Any song from “Priscilla: Queen of the Desert” Sample thread: “Let’s have an orgy and discuss genitalia” Advantages: Able to educate, interesting, generally good posters Disadvantages: Monopolize chat, May be one-trick/turn tricks/Eat Trix Warning: Your gay or lesbian friend may vary Species 4: The Sexually Repressed Synonym: Three-balled tomcat, The Horny Toad, Mixing Meat and Milk Geography: MPSIMS Habits: Hitting on others, sucking up, using lots of smilies Mating Call: Keywords sex/fetish/GUND/porn/adult/bra/breast/cock Sample threads: “Fuck me if I’m wrong, but is your name Gretchen?”; “Which cartoon character would you like to stick with your stiffy?” Advantages: Interesting viewpoints, may be entertaining Disadvantages: Monopolize chat, May become smug after sex Disclaimer: YOU are not in this category, okay, just the other guys Species 5: The Mod Squad Synonyms: Chronos, Coldfire, Czarcasm, D [NOTE: Edited by Ed\_Zotti at 19:32 PM CST or perhaps not] Mating Call: I’m a mod. ADVANtages: charismatic geniuses, Tantric sexual proficiency Disadvantages: None known save finite lifespan. Species 6: I am God’s Co-Pilot Synonym: Old Zealot, Fine Line Between Sinner and Cinder, Soul Yeller Geography: GD Habits: Saving souls, turning other cheek after abuse, citing scripture Mating Call: That IS a bible in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you Sample thread: “Post here be you Christian or Jew or Miscellaneous” Advantages: Tolerant, meek, easy target, uses lots of quotes Disadvantages: Tend to post often, smug when right Bonus: Knows all about Darwin from best friend ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/2 "2001-03-10T02:00:02Z")
Species 7: The Skeptical Enquirer Synonym: Nietzche, Niet so fast, Trollfelcher, Pit Bull Geography: GD, Pit Habits: Asking for cites, Siting for trolls, Trolling for dollars Mating Call: “Do Athiests deserve respect and tasty fudge?” Sample Thread: “Corinthians is correct on May 33” Advantages: Use of scientific method, logical, rigorous Disadvantages: Smug, multiply quickly, tend to shoot first Warning: Tendency to obsessive-compulsiveness Species 8: The Flea Synonym: Lightweight, Stream of Consciousness, Deep Thought Geography: omnipresent, esp. GQ, MPSIMS Habits: Telling you they are hungry, describing breakfast Mating Call: “Let me tell you about my poop” Sample thread: “I pooped four times today” (12 hits) Advantages: Untaxing, pads post count, easily avoided Disadvantages: TMI, Intellectually unsatisfying, waste of space Caution: Multiplying in certain regions, immune to antibiotics Species 9: The Flipper Synonym: I Agree, The flopper, The flapper, OTOH Geography: GD, IMHO, Pit Habits: Agreeing with vigour, backtracking, fence-sitting Mating Call: “Can’t we all just get along?” Sample thread: “What type of toothbrush should I buy?” Advantages: Flexibility. Polite. May be entertaining. Disadvantages: Flexibility does not involve sex. Spineless. Species 10: The Juicer Synonym: Bearbaiter, You Suck, Young Hitler, The basher, Cap’n Tact Geography: Pit, but often found elsewhere Habits; Cheap attempt to bait nationality, sex, weight, etc. Mating call: “Many of my best friends” Sample thread: “Are you a fat, circumcised WASP bastard?” Advantages: Easy target, enthusiastic responses, gets juices flowing Disadvantages: Short life expectancy, juices not related to sex Warning: Is reading this thread as we speak. Species 11: Wild Women Out of Control Synonym: Silver Fire, Wyldelf, Wyldelf Wannabe, Cougar Geography: omnipresent, Chat Habits: Flirting, Licking wounds, Speaking in tongues Mating call: “Charm me out of my panties” Sample thread: “You can ring my bell” Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys Disadvantages: Unreliable; less fun than barrel of hot monkey sex Bonus: Send your picture to e-mail address below! Species 12: The Schizoid Synonym: Strange Brew, Builds Odd Things in the Wee Hours Geography: GQ, MPSIMS Habits: Saying mainstream things suck, playing electric digiridoo Mating call: “Does anyone else do this?” Sample thread: “Militia are saving you from yourself” Advantages: Entertaining, often informative Disadvantages: Can be very, very disturbing. Bonus: Easily baited, may be sexually repressed in disguise Species 13: The Powderkeg Synonym: Overreaction, Are you talking to me?, Whine and cheese Geography: GD, Pit Habits: Taking things personally. Angry invective. Mating call: “You fucking fucker” Sample thread: “Dear Cecil, Dr\_Pap hit me.” Advantages: Angry invective. Doesn’t use smilies. Disadvantages: Novelty short lived. Passive-aggressive. Can’t let go. Bonus: Easily baited and swooshed. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/3 "2001-03-10T02:02:18Z")
Species 14: The Genius Synonym: Old Know It All, I am not a modern major-general, Wonker Geography: omnipresent Habits: Giving answers. Avoiding questions. Mating call: “Few share my knowledge of Babylonian chamber pots” Sample thread: “I had a hemorrhoid once” Advantages: Easy target, lack of insight Disadvantages: Often right, insufferable. Warning: This category does not include you. Species 15: The Cecil Synonym: Cece-o-rama, Cecil Adams, Grand Panjandrum, Ol’ Stinky Geography: Feared extinct Habits: Calling NASA, calling bluffs, culling morons Mating call: “Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Ohhhhh. Oh. Ohhhhhhhhhh. Dammit, Mrs. Adams, what did I tell you about sneaking up on me like that?” Sample thread: Usually a guest! Advantages: Pathognomic. Cult status gives discount at White Castle. Disadvantages: Uses wealth from book purchases to control zinc prices Caution: Will not tell you the four common words that end in “grE” Species 16: The Professional Synonym: Scumsucker, Fat Cat, Quackster, Skippy Geography: GQ Habits: Diatribes. Pointed comments. Trollbashing. Mating call: “I can prescribe anything I want to!” Sample thread: “Exploring your inner wellnessness” Advantages: Can understand many discussions, may use cites Disadvantages: Does not mention which prison currently residing in Warning: If symptoms persist, blame someone else Species 17: Performance Artist Synonym: The Genius, Storyteller, Fun With Beef Geography: IMHO, MPSIMS Habits: Starting story threads involving 3 people, Mime, Clowncraft Mating call: “This time, there are no limits” Sample thread: “Haiku about my ennui with the world” Advantages: Overeducated, good use of quotes and obscure references Disadvantages: Tendency to bump own threads Species 18: Sweetness and Light Synonym: The Nursemaid, The Smilie, {{{{{{{}}}}}}} Geography: MPSIMS Habit: Giving hugs, giving support, giving unrealistic advice Mating call: I just want to cuddle Sample thread: “I’m so depressed I’d eat at Arby’s” Advantages: compassionate, genuine, use of smilies Disadvantages: may induce hyperglycemia, watches daytime TV Species 19: The Puppet Synonym: Illuminatus, Trilat, Peace II: Electric Boogaloo Geography: Omnipresent Habit: Controlling world zinc prices, Sucking up to ant overlords Mating call: “Some of my best friends” Sample thread: “So what if my post count is 3?” Advantages: gives trollfelchers sport Disadvantages: gives mods ulcers Species 20: Class Clown Synonym: Punster, Joke-n-Poke, Whopper Geography: MPSIMS, Pit Habit: Collecting jokes off the internet Mating call: “Pull my finger” Sample thread: “Give me a punchline” Advantages: Often very funny, may cause spittage on screen Disadvantages: Knows many jokes and will tell them. Uses Simpson’s references at every opportunity. Doh! So add to this list if you wish. Send flame mail to the pit, please, punk! ---
**Author:** ![Albert\_Rose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9de053/32.png) [@Albert\_Rose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Albert_Rose)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/4 "2001-03-10T02:44:46Z")
Species 21: The Newbie Synonym: Firstname Lastname Geography: Any Forum, usually MPSIMS Habits: Viewing 90 threads, posting in two of them Mating Call: “Have you seen this great message board at [http://www.straightdope.com](http://www.straightdope.com)?” Sample Thread: “How do I put Smilies in my posts?” Advantages: May develop into Scylla or Eve, doesn’t overload each post with inscrutable signatures Disadvantages: May develop into CompleteMoron, doesn’t get ‘felching’ references Caution: This one may use inappropriate language in non-Pit threads. _I actually recognize some of the first 20! These are pretty funny, Dr. Paprika._ ---
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/5 "2001-03-10T03:19:10Z")
Hmmm. I’m about 9 of those. Which is another reason why I chose the name of a kind and beautiful nymph turned evil monster, a monster with 9 heads. Dude, Don’t try to like label me and stick me in you’re box, Maaan! ---
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/6 "2001-03-10T03:21:53Z")
Albert: Thanks for the compliment (you might want to watch it though, I’m pretty much persona au gratin right now) 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 3:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/7 "2001-03-10T03:27:43Z")
Scylla, I had no idea that you were a sexually repressed, homosexual, bible-thumping skeptic, flip-flopping, schizoid powderkeg, puppet woman out of control when I started this thread. My apologies. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/8 "2001-03-10T03:30:20Z")
As long as we’re clear. ---
**Author:** ![ExTank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/35a633/32.png) [@ExTank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ExTank)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/9 "2001-03-10T03:30:47Z")
By your definitions, I see myself as largely a #2, with a touch of #'s 1 and 13 tossed in for variety. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/10 "2001-03-10T03:43:49Z")
Species 22: The Drama Queen Synonyms: The Paranoid, The Center of the Universe Geography: MPSIMS, The Pit, IMHO Habits: Taking things personally. Assuming that every post is a veiled insult. Mating Call: “I’m leaving and I’m never coming back!” Sample Thread: “To everyone on the board who hates me:” Advantages: Often gets involved in entertaining flame-wars Disadvantages: Often gets involved in disgusting flame wars Note: I bet you think I’m talking about _you_. ---
**Author:** ![meek](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ce73a5/32.png) [@meek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/meek)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/11 "2001-03-10T03:44:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Dr\_Paprika \* > > …May become **smug** after sex… > > … **smug** when right… Species 22: The Labelist. Synonym: Pigeon Holer, branding iron, Judge Judy Geography: omnipresent Habits: Classifying and sorting people. Stereotyping. Mating call: “I know you are - but what am I?” Sample thread: “What genre of Doper are YOU?” Advantages: Often ignored, lack of tact. Disadvantages: Often funny, obsessed with the word\*\* “smug”\*\*. Warning: May incite pit threads with potentially offensive comments. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/12 "2001-03-10T04:29:51Z")
Species 22c: The **Highlighter** Synonyms: Me me me. Yellow Pen. Cut n’ Paste, Egotist Geography: MPSIMS Habits: Does archive search for name before reading boards Mating call: If you were always right and had sex all the time, you’d become **me** Sample thread: Only replies to threads containing words similar to moniker Advantages: This means doesn’t reply to most threads Disadvantages: Snide remarks deeply wounding and making me all misty eyed and stuff. Multiplies quickly. Caution: Will become a movie reviewer or include an edited version of this thread on his resume, something like: “And for my third reference, Dr\_Paprika M.D. says that ‘ **smug** … is… better… than… sex’” Lies! O mores! O tempora! ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 5:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/13 "2001-03-10T17:48:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Scylla \* > > I’m pretty much persona au gratin right now 😉 \*\* Mmmmm a monster _and_ covered with cheesy goodness? What more could you ask for? Let me tell you about the time I played a cheesy monster in my high school play… . . Which leads me to Species #23: **The Hijacker** Synonym: Hijack, OT Geography: omnipresent Habits: Starts every response with a [QUOTE] . Mating call: Well, that reminds me of the time I. . . Sample thread: None, Never starts a thread on their own. Advantages: Doesn’t bump your thread off the page by creating a new thread. Disadvantages: Turns every thread into a double entendre Warning: Probably coming to a thread near you soon. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mermaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@The\_Mermaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mermaid)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/14 "2001-03-10T17:57:56Z")
Species 24: The NonPreviewer Synonyms:All **bold** ,all _italic_,all jumbled up mess poster Geography: All forums Habits: In much too big of a damn hurry a lot of the time. Mating call: Damn Smilies, Damn VB code Sample thread: See above Advantages: Serves as a bad example. Disadvantages: Looks like an idiot Caution: If it hasn’t happened to you, it will soon enough. The Law of Averages insures it. ---
**Author:** ![Soul\_Brother\_Number\_Two](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/soul_brother_number_two/32/3515_2.png) [@Soul\_Brother\_Number\_Two](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soul_Brother_Number_Two)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/15 "2001-03-10T18:03:21Z")
brill, doc, simply brill. the doc is my fave poster. i dont care who knows it. i dont _really_ know which kind of poster _i_ am, but if i were forced to take a pick, id have to go with species 23, which reminds me of the time i had hot monkey sex jungle fuck a gogo style in studio 54 with two homeless drug addicts blah blah blah… ---
**Author:** ![MysterEcks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@MysterEcks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MysterEcks)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/16 "2001-03-10T20:10:51Z")
**Green Bean** said: > [@](#): > > Species 22: The Drama Queen Dammit, **Green Bean** , don’t do that to me when I have a full mouth! ---
**Author:** ![Zenster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/cdc98d/32.png) [@Zenster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenster)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/17 "2001-03-10T22:03:48Z")
**Doc Pap** , (_may I call you that_?) You are so at the top of my Christmas list with this thread. I’ll calmly apply for an even baker’s dozen of the above classifications. (You heard it here first!) I will now have to stalk your threads with an increased vigor. [Threat, not promise.] [gush] You are a welcome influx at these boards. Keyword = flux (as in “What the flux”). I will now finish wiping off my monitor and while I’m at it kindly ask you for a character profile. The one you did for **Scylla** was spot on and hilarious. [/gush] [Bugs Bunny] You realize that this means war? [/Bugs Bunny] I may just have to create a SDMB Taxonomy Thread in your “honor”. Tape at eleven. ---
**Author:** ![Scylla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Scylla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scylla)\ **Post date:** [March 10, 2001, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/18 "2001-03-10T23:49:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Zenster \* > \*\*The one you did for **Scylla** was spot on and hilarious. > \*\* I must be missing all the good jokes today. Do you mean > [@](#): > > a sexually repressed, homosexual, bible-thumping skeptic, flip-flopping, schizoid powderkeg, puppet woman out of > control That’s ludicrous. I don’t own any flip-flops, or even sandals. ---
**Author:** ![Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c77e96/32.png) [@Speaker\_for\_the\_Dead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Speaker_for_the_Dead)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2001, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/19 "2001-03-11T01:23:47Z")
Species 9: The Flipper Synonym: I Agree, The flopper, The flapper, OTOH Geography: GD, IMHO, Pit Habits: Agreeing with vigour, backtracking, fence-sitting Mating Call: “Can’t we all just get along?” Sample thread: “What type of toothbrush should I buy?” Advantages: Flexibility. Polite. May be entertaining. Disadvantages: Flexibility does not involve sex. Spineless. This fits me, mostly, but none of them really completely describe me. I also have an annoying habit of making really short (padding) posts. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [March 11, 2001, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/20 "2001-03-11T01:38:34Z")
Hmmm… I’d go with a sexually repressed, juice-oozing, class clown, perormance artist, professional genius powderkeg. I’m bumping this thread as we speak! Guess I’m also a labelling, hijacking non-previewer. The fun should begin with this thread when I ask other Dopers to classify other Dopers in the Pit. 🙂 You may call me **Doc Pap** if you wish. However, you should know I’m jealous of Scylla and his cheese and also hope to be _persona au gratin_. Paprika grates. (“stolen from inor” – isn’t that a British discount chain?) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402.md?page=2)