# What species of Doper are YOU? (May offend.) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 10, 2001, 1:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402 "2001-03-10T01:57:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Feynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecb155/32.png) [@Feynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feynn)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2001, 8:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/41 "2001-03-13T08:25:08Z")
Hey Doc, seen any of these running around? The **Eclectic Wraith** is a species that is able to adapt to any habitat within the SDMB with ease yet they are difficult to classify due to their liquid nature. At one moment they may be debating the rights of the disabled or rambling about how much they like black ink and the next tearing someone a new one in The Pit. They cannot stand injustice, despise cliques, and resist classification knowing that a few words cannot fully describe their true nature. Being chameleon-like the Wraith can travel freely without drawing too much attention to itself despite the fact it leaves it markings everywhere. It’s habits are relatively unknown as it does not frequently share details, those who are able to draw this reclusive creature out are truly master posters. Few have heard the mating call of the Wraith as they are monogamous in nature and even when alone they are not prone to gratuitous flirting. It is rare to see the name of a specific Wraith on any posted list despite the fact they are comely beasts and make friends easily. People simply forget to mention them without knowing why. They are non-conformist and solitary but may be drawn into the company of others if glasses of Drambuie are left out as bait. In warmer climates beer has been known to offer good results. The Wraith is generally friendly and unassuming so they can play the part of the Devil’s Advocate and rarely offend anyone. It is almost impossible to provoke the Eclectic Wraith to wanton displays of anger. When provoked the Wraith is a dangerous beast indeed. They are rarely at a loss for words and will often poke fun at themselves before making fun of anyone else. One can never know when or where one might show up. ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2001, 8:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/42 "2001-03-13T08:41:55Z")
I’ve not seen too many Eclectic Wraiths around but would like to see more despite the fact I happen to know they dislike Drambuie and tend to be closet egotists. ---
**Author:** ![Tequila\_Mockingbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/41988e/32.png) [@Tequila\_Mockingbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tequila_Mockingbird)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2001, 9:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/43 "2001-03-13T09:01:51Z")
Hint of #7 #8 # 11 hits close to home as did #12 then again so did #18 and #20 as well as #23, if you go in a flirty way… (I’m working on that though) Definately #24…“Preview…huh???” Does this make me one of those wraithe thingies??? [sub]Help me I am pathetic and I know it, still don’t care much for Drambuie though[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2001, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/44 "2001-03-13T14:29:57Z")
It seems to me we’re forgetting a particular genus of Doper… ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2001, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/45 "2001-03-13T14:31:28Z")
It seems to me we’re forgetting a particular genus of Doper… 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crankyasanoldman/32/11670_2.png) [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2001, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/46 "2001-03-13T14:47:20Z")
Dr. Pap, you made my morning. I’ve been avoiding the boards because server crawl is driving me bats, but what a treat to find this. Green Bean, I wanted to high five you when I saw your addition. I’m definitely a Performance Artist/Hijacker Hybrid. With a little Hit And Run thrown in. I can think of a few more categories, but I don’t have two creative brains cells to rub together this week (dissertation woes! Ugh!) so I couldn’t hope to match the hilarity/aptness precedents set by the rest of you. ---
**Author:** ![Modian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Modian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Modian)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2001, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/47 "2001-03-13T16:35:07Z")
I’m a cross between a lurker and a hit and run. I rarely post, and when I do, I rarely check back for replies. I mostly hang out in IMHO and GQ though. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2001, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/48 "2001-03-13T16:51:21Z")
After some thought, I’ve decided I am the Genius type: > [@](#): > > Species 14: The Genius > > Synonym: Old Know It All, I am not a modern major-general, Wonker > Geography: omnipresent > Habits: Giving answers. Avoiding questions. > Mating call: “Few share my knowledge of Babylonian chamber pots” > Sample thread: “I had a hemorrhoid once” > Advantages: Easy target, lack of insight > Disadvantages: Often right, insufferable. > Warning: This category does not include you. Mind you, I’m not saying that I AM a genius, but that this type seems to most closely fit me. The main reason I come to the SDMB is for the fun of replying to queries using arcane knowledge from the depths of my memory and experience. It’s not to show off or anything – it’s the challenge. (although I must admit I know nothing of Babylonian chamber pots or hemmorhoids. I incline more to the physics-bad movies-history and myth nexus) ---
**Author:** ![Feynn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ecb155/32.png) [@Feynn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feynn)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2001, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/49 "2001-03-13T17:09:45Z")
Doc, The correlation between the appearance of Wraiths and the presence of Drambuie has been been observed many times by myself in a number of field studies. Setting out Drambuie for a Wraith could be likened to throwing chum into the water when fishing for sharks, they simply cannot resist this bait. Perhaps you have been observing too small a sample group to make an informed hypothesis or you have discovered a local sub species of the order indiginous to your own area. You pointed out that they have a tendency to be closeted egoists and my ongoing observations would support this as well. Tequila could almost fall into the spectrum of the Wraith if it wasn’t for her tendency towards flirtiness and exhibitionism and a stated dislike of Drambuie. Whenever someone compiles all this research and writes “The Origin of Doper Species” I can safely say we will find that there as many species as there are Dopers. I believe that this will be due to the fact that The Doper is not normally a migratory animal and each has evolved its own unique set of adaptations to survive in its own particular environment. It would be interesting to see what the offspring of partnered Dopers are like to determine what characteristics are dominant. ---
**Author:** ![ultress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/7c8e57/32.png) [@ultress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ultress)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2001, 5:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/50 "2001-03-13T17:17:04Z")
ok…I can do this I know Species: The Post Padder Synonym: I can type Geography: All Forums Mating call: I can type, therefore I am Habits: Will post to any thread, usually adding nothing to the thread, thinks that if there is a high post count under their name it validates them. Will post even more if someone does acknowledge them. Sample thread: “I Just Fed My Dog,” “I Just Hit \_\_\_\_\_ Posts, Time to Party” Advantage: Giving other posters a view of why we fight ignorance on SD. They tend to knock each other’s threads off the page, saving us from having to keep viewing the thread title. Disadvantage: Has no idea why other dopers ignore them. Slows the board down so that people are irritated by the length of time it takes for the board to load. Bonus: Makes everyone else look smart. Warning: Self-denial. Will not admit that their posts are a total waste of words. ---
**Author:** ![Diceman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Diceman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diceman)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2001, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/51 "2001-03-13T20:40:06Z")
Heh heh. I’ve been alot of these at times, but I’m mostly a combination of “The Expert” and “The Schizoid.” **The SockPuppet** **Synonym:** Parrot **Geography:** GQ, GD, The Pit **Habit:** Mimics the arguments and positions of other Dopers, but never makes a substantive contribution to any discussion. **Mating call:** “Me, too!” **Sample thread:** None. They never start their own threads. **Advantages:** Their support can be comforting, if they’re on your side. **Disadvantages:** Slows down the message boards, causes more interesting threads to be bumped off the first page. ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [March 13, 2001, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/52 "2001-03-13T23:13:38Z")
**The Double-poster** **Synonym:** Oops, Idiot, Chagrinned **Geography:** All forums **Habit:** Tires of waiting for page to load, hits “Submit Reply” again; also: Not sure if first attempt wa successful so re-submits…just to be sure; also: purely accidental **Mating call:** “Sorry 'bout that” or “Damn, my bad” **Sample thread:** Rare double thread starters **Advantages:** They sometimes provide comic relief **Disadvantages:** They make the thread longer without saying anything new **Bonus** : Invariably similar to **Guaderes Law** ---
**Author:** ![Dr\_Paprika](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dr_paprika/32/3042_2.png) [@Dr\_Paprika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr_Paprika)\ **Post date:** [March 14, 2001, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/53 "2001-03-14T16:53:07Z")
Species # ooh a whole bunch **The Killjoy** Geography: omnipresent Habits: can’t recognize sarcasm, asks for cites for things that are obviously invented, asks mods to move threads Sample thread:“Prove to me pregnancy takes 9 million cals” Advantages: yells in satisfying manner when applying pain Disadvantages: hard to apply pain over the Internet Disclaimer: Not a direct descendant of Brainy Smurf since he was sterile and had no chance with Smurfette anyhoo. ---
**Author:** ![Liberal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2001, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/54 "2001-04-23T19:26:47Z")
**The Popular Guy** Synonym: Fifteen Minutes of Fame, Good Buddy Geography: Mostly MPSIMS, but visits other threads Habits: Seems to say the right thing at the right time. Mating Call: “Putz!” Sample thread: What I found in my laundry Advantages: Good timing, good writer, brightens threads Disadvantages: Vulnerable god-like status Caveat: Here today, gone tomorrow… [moment of silence] **The Shape Shifter** Synonym: Slippery Soap, Weasel Geography: GD Habits: Reforms his arguments as they proceed. Mating Call: “That’s not what I meant!” Sample thread: The Nature of Evil Advantages: Makes you think, hones your debating skills Disadvantages: His threads drone on never-ending Caveat: When he can’t slide out, he disappears. **The Nit Picker** Synonym: The I-dotter, The T-crosser, The Grammarian Geography: Mostly GQ Habits: Points out misspellings, less than perfect word choices. Mating Call: “That’s speed, not acceleration.” Sample thread: Never starts threads (too afraid to leave a permanent goof in nonpreviewable title) Advantages: Keeps things honest, cleans up the details Disadvantages: Gets on your nerves Caveat: Will call _you_ a nit-picker if you point out _his_ mistakes. **The Nanny** Synonym: The Buttinsky, The Overlord Geography: Starts mostly in GD or IMHO, ends up in the Pit Habits: Jumps into discussion to complain, cajole, or pile on. Mating Call: “I’m not a moderator, but…” Sample thread: Why So-and-so Is Wrong Advantages: Makes good fodder for Pit lovers Disadvantages: Rains on everybody’s parade. Caveat: Hope that he doesn’t take your side. **The Bitch** Synonym: The Cunt, The Dick, The Angry Atheist Geography: The Pit, sometimes infiltrates GD Habits: Posts in sudden inexplicably angry outbursts. Mating Call: “Fuck you!” Sample thread: The Christian God is a Moron Advantages: Elevates adrenaline Disadvantages: Elevates blood pressure Caveat: Usually burns up like flash paper… **The Lazy Poster** Synonym: Searchless, Clueless, Akimbo Nimbo Geography: Mostly GQ, but also GD sometimes Habits: Asks questions or starts debates that are ongoing or already settled to death. Mating Call: “I can’t search with my software.” Sample thread: What Causes Piss Shiver? Advantages: None Disadvantages: Slows board speed, wastes space Caveat: Don’t bother linking him to other thread. He’ll get huffy. **The Drunk** Synonym: The Late Night Poster, The Morning After Poster Geography: Meant to be in MPSIMS, but posted in ATMB Habits: Belches as he types. Sometimes vomits. Mating Call: “I’m not a damn yankee!” Sample thread: Hey!! Whuzzuuuuuuuuppppp!!! Advantages: Mildly entertaining sometimes. Disadvantages: Very irritating at other times. Caveat: Like a troll, feed him at your own risk. He can turn on ya pretty quick. **The Goofy Adolescent** Synonym: The Pesky Kid, The Pathetic Loser Geography: Oddly, crops up mostly in GD or GQ Habits: Writes incomprehensible or infantile drivel Mating Call: “hay lades, i ready to roock an role!” Sample thread: god sukcs Advantages: Fun to gang bang and tease. Disadvantages: Can become a nightmare for the moderators. Caveat: Might be middle aged. ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2001, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/55 "2001-04-23T21:08:46Z")
**The Double-poster** **Synonym:** Oops, Idiot, Chagrinned **Geography:** All forums **Habit:** Tires of waiting for page to load, hits “Submit Reply” again; also: Not sure if first attempt wa successful so re-submits…just to be sure; also: purely accidental **Mating call:** “Sorry 'bout that” or “Damn, my bad” **Sample thread:** Rare double thread starters **Advantages:** They sometimes provide comic relief **Disadvantages:** They make the thread longer without saying anything new **Bonus** : Invariably similar to **Guaderes Law** ---
**Author:** ![Liberal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/848f3c/32.png) [@Liberal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Liberal)\ **Post date:** [April 24, 2001, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402/56 "2001-04-24T14:36:43Z")
Wow. From best thread since invisible nylon to dead. In one day? Is this a record of some sort? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-species-of-doper-are-you-may-offend/57402.md?page=2)