# What subtle 'tells' do you look for to determine if a person is a decent human being or not **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 9, 2016, 4:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373 "2016-05-09T04:01:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2016, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/41 "2016-05-09T22:35:20Z")
> [@Doug\_K](#): > > Or: do they judge people based on “subtle ‘tells’”? Well, in my own case, I was talking about my mother. She’s spent 67 years believing that my dad forgetting to turn the coffee pot on in the morning means he did on purpose because he’s defiant, my aunt driving a different route than my mother expected and dealing our short trip by an additional two minutes was her intentionally being a smart ass and me having mental illness is because I’m lazy / an attention whore / demon possessed. You take your pick. So, yeah. The people I’ve met who are always assuming they know the “real reason” someone did something innocuous (read: negative negative negative) is because they’re bad and the one whose got them (and everyone else) all figured out is a always right and always a saint. Apparently your mileage varies a lot. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2016, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/42 "2016-05-09T22:37:42Z")
I’ll probably be taken to task for this but screw it: Straight women who don’t like cats, I’m highly suspicious of. Men who don’t like dogs. Ditto. Exceptions made for those who are allergic. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2016, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/43 "2016-05-09T23:50:18Z")
> [@Doug\_K](#): > > Or: do they judge people based on “subtle ‘tells’”? Yup, this is true. Not being sarcastic, either. Not reading too much into typical human foibles is an indication of a forgiving personality, and that means not making every small thing out to be a “subtle tell.” I don’t think most mentioned in this thread are off the mark, though. ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2016, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/44 "2016-05-09T23:54:19Z")
> [@jtur88](#): > > There are certain body language characteristics that people have adopted, which are relatively blatant, compared to the subtle subconscious ones. So much so, that the general public sees that loud noise of staged body language, masking the more subtle cues underneath. Mike Caro’s _Book of Poker Tells_ is actually a great read on the topic, because it talks about how most tells are actually the opposite of what you think since people almost instinctively try to use fakeout body language. Also, it was written in the 70s, so the people pictured in illustrations are amusing with 70s hair and clothes. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/45 "2016-05-10T00:28:43Z")
I have found some very nice and decent people who are just as big a pain in the ass as self centered pricks but for different reasons. I tend to look for moderation in most areas. Good manners and a general sense of consideration for others. ---
**Author:** ![spamforbrains](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@spamforbrains](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spamforbrains)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 2:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/46 "2016-05-10T02:27:20Z")
> [@](#): > > Quote: > Originally Posted by stillownedbysetters View Post > you can tell a tremendous amount about a person by how they treat people they see as underlings. I don’t view anyone as an “underling” and would consider anyone who did to have a problem. They’re people with different jobs and roles than you. Most people are “decent” at heart. However, everyone has crappy days and bad moods and moments of bad judgement. So it comes down to empathy. Decent people are willing to forgive someone having a bad day and believe the busboy is actually a person just doing a job. People who have no empathy can take some time to identify; I don’t think it’s something you can do in 10 seconds in a checkout line. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/47 "2016-05-10T04:06:17Z")
> [@faithfool](#): > > The motives they ascribe to others. I think this is a big one. People tend to project their own flaws on to other people. A thief thinks everyone is stealing from him. A liar never trusts anybody. An adulterer is suspicious that their spouse is cheating on them. As noted, in some cases these assessments are just objective observations. But if you meet somebody who thinks everyone is doing something wrong then it’s usually that person who is guilty. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/48 "2016-05-10T04:28:27Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > Straight women who don’t like cats, I’m highly suspicious of. Why specifically straight women? > [@](#): > > Men who don’t like dogs. Ditto. Why just men? ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/49 "2016-05-10T04:32:57Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > Why specifically straight women? > Why just men? Taking a wild guess at gender stereotypes. ---
**Author:** ![12mgdaily](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/f08c70/32.png) [@12mgdaily](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/12mgdaily)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/50 "2016-05-10T04:33:39Z")
I agree with most everything that’s been mentioned. There is one more thing I am aware of in certain situations. I like when I see a new acquaintance pocketing/holding onto trash, instead of littering. It tells me this individual has respect and consideration for the community as a whole. I don’t make snap judgements about people. Mentally I keep track of positive and negative behavior I notice while in their company. At some point, the scales tip one way or the other. That is when I form a lasting impression of their character. ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/51 "2016-05-10T04:34:50Z")
> [@faithfool](#): > > If they badmouth their exes. I have nothing against an observation or two, but if your world revolves around what an asshole they were and how you’re still seething with anger? Kick 'em to the curb. Same thing with former employers. If they just split up with the person, or just lost their job (justified or not), that’s one thing, but if it’s been, say, 20 years and that’s still all they want to talk about? Bye-bye. Ditto if they refuse to accept any responsibility for whatever went wrong. On a similar note, that’s how I feel about people who are estranged from all of their children. One child? That might genuinely be the kid’s fault, and if you split up when the kids were preschoolers, maaaaaybe she did indeed brainwash them and keep them from you. Any older than that? Look in the mirror, buddy. :rolleyes: ☹ ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/52 "2016-05-10T04:40:09Z")
> [@Trinopus](#): > > Monomaniacs are also giving you a free warning sign. When you meet someone for the first time, and they bring up the Gold Standard (or any other very specific topic) three times in thirty minutes, you have every reason to be on high alert. Add to this people who constantly preach their religion (or lack thereof) and insult people who disagree with them. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/53 "2016-05-10T04:48:49Z")
> [@panache45](#): > > Why specifically straight women? > Why just men? Just my personal anecdotal experiences. I acknowledge it’s stupid. FTR, I would never say anything or treat anyone differently based on those factors alone. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 8:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/54 "2016-05-10T08:24:52Z")
Great thread, thank you for starting it, **Wesley Clark** , and thank you Dopers for your many good and heartfelt replies. I’ve learned from them. I agree with many replies, and will add this. To me it’s being respectful and accepting and tolerant of others with differences in culture, ethnicity, religion, sexual orientation, political affiliation, or disability. It’s the ability to ‘agree to disagree’, civilly. Funny thing is, here on the Dope I see too many counter examples of that. ---
**Author:** ![Les\_Espaces\_Du\_Sommeil](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/les_espaces_du_sommeil/32/308_2.png) [@Les\_Espaces\_Du\_Sommeil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Les_Espaces_Du_Sommeil)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 9:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/55 "2016-05-10T09:29:13Z")
People whose attitude towards everyone is: “I can. You must.” Or, in other words: “Rights for me, duties for you.” Also, lying constantly of course. Even when it’s “just for fun”. A joke, you know, lighten up a bit. Yeah, right :mad:. ---
**Author:** ![Mr\_Shine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mr_shine/32/464_2.png) [@Mr\_Shine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr_Shine)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 9:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/56 "2016-05-10T09:35:12Z")
People who mumble are effectively saying “screw you, I’m not making even a little effort so you can understand me!”, and it shows in other aspects of their life. ---
**Author:** ![GlowingDarkness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f04885/32.png) [@GlowingDarkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GlowingDarkness)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 10:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/57 "2016-05-10T10:26:53Z")
People who make generalizations about others situations which they don’t know anything about. An example would be when people say that all suicidal people are cowards and selfish. I just have no respect for people like that. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 10:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/58 "2016-05-10T10:47:46Z")
> [@Mr\_Shine](#): > > People who mumble are effectively saying “screw you, I’m not making even a little effort so you can understand me!”, and it shows in other aspects of their life. That seems a little harsh. Isn’t crippling shyness the main cause of mumbling? ---
**Author:** ![DaphneBlack](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/daphneblack/32/5389_2.png) [@DaphneBlack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DaphneBlack)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/59 "2016-05-10T11:55:55Z")
> [@madmonk28](#): > > It’s not subtle, but: littering. If a person knowingly litters that is all that you need to know about that person. They are trash. This. Another big one for me is a lot of “us and them” language. And nounified adjectives about the Other (“the gays”, “the Jews”, “the blacks”, “the Feds”). ---
**Author:** ![BobLibDem](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/boblibdem/32/3149_2.png) [@BobLibDem](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BobLibDem)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 12:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373/60 "2016-05-10T12:06:47Z")
I’m big on how do they treat people they don’t need to be nice to. I always thank our custodian who comes in and empties my wastebasket and vacuums my floor. I don’t treat cashiers, waitresses, etc. like verbal punching bags. When I see someone berating a poor clerk or whatever, I consider them to be of poor character. I look at how they react to things like crying children or barking dogs. Do they say “gee, I wonder what the matter is?” or “that poor mother must be having a hard time of it” or do they say "shut the fuck up already?’ Dogs are a good judge of character. If dogs don’t like someone, then I don’t either. Any sign of bigotry based on race, religion, nationality, gender, sexual preference is a sign of someone whom I’d prefer not to associate with. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/what-subtle-tells-do-you-look-for-to-determine-if-a-person-is-a-decent-human-being-or-not/754373.md?page=4)